Indeed, River. But it WAS mentioned in the original post when the OP said that his wife was looking for something that she was not getting from their marriage. True, he did not use the word "complete" either but the notion of "incompleteness" was implicit in that description, as well as being a concept that is repeatedly touched on throughout the forum.
Polyamory as an excuse?
- Thread starter MrMom
- Start date
Indeed, River. But it WAS mentioned in the original post when the OP said that his wife was looking for something that she was not getting from their marriage. True, he did not use the word "complete" either but the notion of "incompleteness" was implicit in that description, as well as being a concept that is repeatedly touched on throughout the forum.
River
Well-known member
Well, I think it's just wrong to imagine oneself as incomplete and in need of completion by another, or by several (or dozens) of others. I also think it is just wrong to think that one is complete. None of us are aptly described in terms of incompleteness/completeness. That's what I think.
What is sad and pathetic is that so many people are looking to be completed by particular relationships. Wholeness isn't identical with completeness. We're all whole in our relation with all of life, and not without it. Yet we are all in relation with all of life! Broken and whole, we are whole.
GroundedSpirit
New member
Hey River,
Although I agree pretty much in total with what you mean when talking about this, I think part of this is just more of the same misuse of terms without explanation.
Like you, I feel sad for anyone who really, in the literal meaning of the term, thinks that completion comes from somewhere outside. But I don't think that vast majority of people who discuss things of this nature are attached to that literal meaning. I think it's just their way of expressing that there are certain elements they want/enjoy in their life, and that it's unrealistic to find all those elements in one place/person.
Maybe another worthwhile observation in a discussion like this would be to acknowledge that it's also unhealthy or unreasonable to expect from another person that they develop and embrace all the same beliefs and preferences that you do in order to please you. A better understanding of different perspectives, i.e., a little horizontal movement, doesn't hurt any of us. To be expected to redesign ourselves to fit someone else's model is totally unacceptable. But that doesn't mean we won't have many, even a majority of those qualities that make for a nice fit.
Derbylicious
New member
I know a number of people who really are looking for someone to "complete" them, in the real literal sense. I don't think that entering into a relationship without feeling complete in yourself is a very good foundation. Looking for validation from outside without feeling like a whole person inside is not the best way to start anything.
Sorry to hijack, MrMom!
Sorry to hijack, MrMom!
LovingRadiance
Active member
Yes, your reaction is normal, but hers may be, as well.
I am a polyamorous woman. I was born poly. I can honestly tell you that in my whole life I've always felt love deeply with more than one person.
I kept it a secret because I was raised in a strict Christian home and thought I was flawed.
I married my husband. (Maca is his login. If you search it you can read his version.) I love him deeply, and would do damn near anything for him, including trying my damnedest to be a good wife, as defined by the church and most of society.
But I couldn't stop my heart. I also love my best friend, GG. I had an affair. Lots of drama, etc. I came out as poly in September.
The bottom line for me is that I am in love with both of them. I don't want a random fuck, so it would be pointless for Maca to agree to an open marriage if I only fucked someone else. First of all, it wouldn't change that I am in love with GG. What it would do is create an atmosphere where I was again supposed to suppress that, and pretend to be something I'm not, for my husband's comfort.
Second of all, it wouldn't operate, because I'm not interested in sleeping around. I'm interested in honestly being myself with my husband. In order to be with me, he has to accept me for who and what I really am. What I really am is truly deeply committed to him, in love with him and happy being with him, and truly deeply committed to GG, in love with GG, and happy being with GG.
That said, no one here knows your wife, so we can't say that she struggled through a mess like the one I did. She may have (certainly not unusual), or she may be using poly as an excuse. Only deep, open, non-confrontational, accepting conversation is going to figure that out.
I know it's painful to deal with an affair, and it's difficult to decide to change a major dynamic in a relationship. Together they can be hell. The good news is that it can be done.
Feel free to PM me or Maca if you would like to talk. God knows we've been there before, but coming out has been well worth it. Even if we divorced now (not happening, just saying), what we have each learned about ourselves, our needs, our requirements in relationships is irreplaceable. I truly don't know how we managed at all before.
*FYI, Maca is 34 and I am 38 yrs old. GG and I have been friends since he was 17, and he's 33 now. So we grasp the high school thing.
anon4now
New member
Edit: maybe I should read all 3 pages before I post. Even though it might not be helpful, I don't think it will hurt to leave it up.
Let me start with the fact that I am new to polyamory. I am dealing with almost the same thing as you and your wife, but I am the one who had an affair.
I can tell you that I 100% do love the woman I was having an affair with. I would love to be able to convince my wife to open our marriage to include her, but know that she will have the exact same response as you if she were to be ok with the idea. She would say, "HELL NO, NOT WITH HER!"
I would say the exact thing your wife said. I only want to be with my wife and this other woman. The emotions I have for both of them have been formed over MANY years of knowing them, and I couldn't imagine falling into love with anyone else because of the lack of history. I don't want to "find" another love, because I already have them.
Since I am still trying to come to terms to tell my wife about what has happened, and that I would like to open our marriage in this manner, I don't have any answers. I just want you to know that there is a great chance that she really does love this other man (as I love the other woman) and we don't want to use polyamory as a reason to have other sexual partners.
I don't know if this helps at all, but feel free to PM me.
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Polyamory doesn't mean people are disposable or interchangeable, and, while people do it, it doesn't mean that relationships outside the primary one are only sexual either, so, in the sense that your wife is talking about polyamory, no, it doesn't make sense that it's an excuse. What polyamory does seem to mean (among other things) is that one need not destroy one relationship to have another.
While it's understandable that the OP wants to feel in control of this situation, and he's right that this relationship is a threat to his current situation, it should be obvious that he has not been able to control his wife's or her friend's feelings. He won't be able to control those. The only thing he can control is his reaction to it. His wife has a second relationship. She is attempting to preserve the first relationship. All the OP can do is also attempt to preserve that first relationship.
I've been in this situation, too. In our case, the person in OP's role eventually destroyed the relationship by focusing on trying to control the other two rather than connecting with the original partner.
You don't have to be "everything" to your wife, but you have to be a partner she wants to connect to if you want to preserve your relationship. You're married, you have history, you are in a strong position. Focus on your strengths and the love you feel for your wife to calm your fears and process your anger. Of course, I don't know, and it's possible you can force your wife to end the other relationship, but from the looks of it, your wife is going down this road. My guess is you can't stop her, so you can choose to either go with her or watch her walk away. You may feel it's wrong or unfair, but it is what it is. You will be happier and stronger if you deal with what is, rather that what you think it should be.
While it's understandable that the OP wants to feel in control of this situation, and he's right that this relationship is a threat to his current situation, it should be obvious that he has not been able to control his wife's or her friend's feelings. He won't be able to control those. The only thing he can control is his reaction to it. His wife has a second relationship. She is attempting to preserve the first relationship. All the OP can do is also attempt to preserve that first relationship.
I've been in this situation, too. In our case, the person in OP's role eventually destroyed the relationship by focusing on trying to control the other two rather than connecting with the original partner.
You don't have to be "everything" to your wife, but you have to be a partner she wants to connect to if you want to preserve your relationship. You're married, you have history, you are in a strong position. Focus on your strengths and the love you feel for your wife to calm your fears and process your anger. Of course, I don't know, and it's possible you can force your wife to end the other relationship, but from the looks of it, your wife is going down this road. My guess is you can't stop her, so you can choose to either go with her or watch her walk away. You may feel it's wrong or unfair, but it is what it is. You will be happier and stronger if you deal with what is, rather that what you think it should be.
msskellington
New member
LR wrote my story for me, apparently. We came out publicly this month, but I told my H years ago that I was deeply in love with V and would always be. V wasn't available until recently to be in a relationship with me, but we are working through something very similar.