Polyamory bringing up fundamental relationship issues

K

Kay23

New member
Hi,
First of all thanks for this wonderful forum and all the amazing people on here.
My husband John and I are newbies to polyamory. He's met someone who he's really excited about seeing. And I'm a mess.
We recently had a conversation that goes to the heart of our relationship. And it has rocked me.
The prime reason he is seeing someone else is that he's felt neglected by me for months. He says he no longer feels attractive, his self esteem has taken a battering because I don't listen when he says he needs more affection. I took his pleas to mean he needs more sex and I have to say my sex drive has been super low. But he says it's not about sex it's about intimacy.
I've been so focussed on my PhD and also some health issues that I've basically been shutting him out emotionally. But relying on him hugely for day to day help & support while giving nothing back. He's sacrificed huge amounts for me.
But now, when I feel threatened by this new relationship my sex drive has come roaring back, I am listening to him, I give him affection and love and it's like when we first started going out. He's responded all that back to me.
But, my returning interest in him only happened because I feel directly threatened. I never listened or took seriously his pleas for more affection until it concerned me.
The realisation that I'm completely self obsessed and oblivious to his needs has floored me.
The jealousy and fear I feel about this new relationship of his is tremendous. It's like being punched in the stomach every 5 minutes. I think there's a very real danger that he will fall in love with her, that she will be there for him more than I will. It's terrifying.
But, if I tell him to stop, we go back to the way it was and we will be back in the same place again. He told me that although he adores me (he does) he can't live without affection and that while he doesn't want our relationship to die, he can't live in a relationship without affection.
He wants me to see other people - his greatest fantasy is me having sex with another guy. I'm not all that into it myself. I totally get polyamory in theory. It makes sense, it's ethical, I know it can work for many people. It's just in practice where I find it difficult. I'm not outwardly emotional and keep most of my feelings locked up to stop myself hurting. But it makes me emotionally very distant
My dilemma is whether I can live with this agony of him seeing her, to ensure my continued interest in him or whether we go back to monogamy with the real risk that I go back to complacency, which I'm pretty sure will happen.
The added fear is I'm going to the US (I'm in Australia) in a couple of weeks for 2 weeks for work and the thought of them being together without me counter balancing that relationship takes my breath away. I would literally lose my shit if that happens. He was noticeably disappointed when I asked him not to see her during that time. That really really hurt.
 
I think it's great that you're recognizing that you haven't been fulfilling a need of your partner and that you've been neglecting that part of a relationship.... but Poly isn't a crutch and your husband's partner should not be considered a marital aid. You've identified the problem, so why are you so sure that if he didn't have someone else there you'd go back to neglecting him? And even if you did... if he noticed and spoke up, you'd at least now know what he was talking about and could address it. If all of this is stemming from your inability to open up emotionally, then it sounds like you should consider some self-help and look at the reasoning behind that to see what you can do to feel more comfortable providing intimacy without there being another partner.

I'm not trying to talk you guys out of polyamory, but it does sound like you're doing it for the wrong reasons. If you look around and read enough from others you'll see that it's actually quite common for people to say that polyamory shines a spotlight on the weak parts of reltaionships, which is why you need a strong relationship in order for it to work well.... because if you try to use it as a bandaid it's more likely to backfire and hurt the relationship.

I think you guys have a lot of communicating to do and that you need to get on the same page before you're really ready for polyamory. I'm not trying to be dismissive of your issues, just warn you based on the experience of many! Plus, if practicing polyamory in actuality is really this painful for you.... then you're definitely not ready, and maybe you'll never be. Polyamory isn't for everyone, and that's not a bad thing. Everyone has their own wants and needs for how they do relationships!
 
Hi Kay23,

It sounds like you have become aware of a deficit in your relationship with John. I don't necessarily recommend putting the brakes on polyamory, but I do recommend some reflection and some realization. Is there anything you are lacking from your marriage with John? Is there any reason you can't provide him the affection he desires?

Just some thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
It seems your focus is on him. Maybe the time apart would be good so you two can evaluate the situation without being in it at the same time? You have known each other for a long time so no doubt you two could make a pact that you could trust that you could take with you in yourself so you know you can make resolution with each other after this two week period. Maybe in this time apart you could focus on yourself?
 
Thanks everyone. You are right we are not ready for poly. I don't know if I'll ever be.
I went to see my psychologist this morning and described the sort of affection John needs from me and he said he sounded like a teenage boy rather than a grown man. And that the sex and passion in 11 year relationships does naturally taper off. He said John is incredibly needy and his demands are bordering on abuse. He wondered why I just accepted this situation as being my problem, where were my boundaries. I said I felt I had to otherwise he'd leave. Which is exactly what he said would happen if he doesn't get the affection he needs.
Given that I have a history of sexual abuse, the description of johns demands as abuse is startling. But there were many occasions where it felt that way. I did what I'd always done and locked that feeling away and made myself feel bad for feeling uncomfortable. And now those feelings are coming out and I'll have to deal.
I told John all this and he is devastated. He's ready to work on it in couples counselling and one his own so that's positive.
So the upshot is, that there will be a lot of money spent on therapists in the coming months.
But I have to thank our excursion into polyamory for bringing these issues up. Poly does shine a light on your relationship which is not a bad thing. As long as you get help.
Love and light
K
 
Woh, Kay, that sounds really complicated. I just want to point out what I heared in your two posts

1) I've been so self absorbed! I've neglected my partner totally!
2) He's so needy it's abusive! I need to put up boundaries and he needs to fix himself!

is very much from one extreme to the other. At this point, we have no means to tell what is more true and maybe you don't even have the means, and maybe your therapist doesn't have the means either ('cause they only hear what you two tell them) and maybe there is no one easy Truth.

It sounds like you both are willing to work, so I think you can settle this. What I kindly suggest is taking all the focus off blame and finding faults in yourself and each other, and instead focus on getting to a better feeling place on your own and on the togetherness you have with your partner.
 
Kay23 said:
I went to see my psychologist this morning and described the sort of affection John needs from me and he said he sounded like a teenage boy rather than a grown man. And that the sex and passion in 11 year relationships does naturally taper off. He said John is incredibly needy and his demands are bordering on abuse.
Click to expand...

Like Tinwen said, this sounds like an extreme. I do know from experience, that when a partner has been neglected their need tends to get to that desperate stage. Once they do start getting that attention again, it becomes addictive and they realize what they've been missing and they crave it intensely. It is a form of NRE (New Relationship Energy). This too will level off eventually.

To tell a man that his needs for intimacy and attention is abuse, especially when you have been neglectful is also abuse. I would suggest backing off the abuse angle and just start talking about things. Very likely there is a workable compromise between what he thinks he needs and what you are capable of giving.

I would suggest a couples counselor that is NOT your therapist or affiliated with your therapist.

A Book I would suggest is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is excellent! We may think we are doing all this stuff to show are partner we love them, but they don't see it because we are doing what we need to feel loved and not what they need - and vise versa.
 
We can't tell from your OP whether it's your busy-ness in school and your health issues, or John's "abusive" need for sex and intimacy, that is the problem here.

I'd say, cut yourself a break on having a lower sex drive right now. First of all, couples can and often do, have mismatched libidos. This is just a fact. No one is at fault, there is no need to cast blame.

My own sex drive has waxed and waned over the years. When I was younger it was high. When I had 3 children in 5 years, it became very low because I was exhausted and "touched out" all the time from the kids. When they got older (ages 4, 7 and 9) my libido came rushing back, much to my surprise! That was at age 42 and it hasn't stopped.

My poor ex husband (like many husbands) had to ride out the waxing and waning. He was just basically always horny, unless down with flu. Now I know how he felt, and I feel kinda bad about it.

Now, my present (female poly) partner has a lower libido than I do, and that is one reason I seek other relationships. And she is fine with it. On her side, she seeks male Doms to provide an outlet for her particular kinks, and I have no desire to provide that. I used to feel a little insecure that I couldn't Domme her (I do Top her often, but that is different), but it just wasn't me. She was always fine with us being egalitarian, and seeking the power exchange thing elsewhere.

I hear that you've been sexually abused in the past. So many of us have, in one way or another! I am very sorry to read that. Shutting down your emotions worked for you when you were younger and trapped in that. But now it's an outgrown behavior. You are becoming aware of that and working with a therapist to change your coping skills. That is great. Shutting off our emotions to avoid pain isn't healthy. Pain is a part of life, needs to be faced, dealt with, and moved on from. You can never really shut it off forever. You've seen the results of trying.

However, you have (physical?) health problems and a very busy work schedule to get your degree. That is just something your husband needs to be aware of, and accomodate, since the schooling is temporary. Hopefully you heal from your physical issues as well, and have a rebirth of a healthy sex drive. Jealousy (or perhaps arousal from picturing your h with his lover?) re-stimulated your libido, so it's in there someplace!

I don't think you have a right to demand your h not see his gf while you are away. Vetoes rarely work, they usually just cause resentment and a widening gap of relating between the married couple. He may be ready for poly. Maybe you will be too, eventually. Maybe not. Right now you're too busy and ill to even imagine taking a lover. But it's possible you could learn to handle a mono/poly relationship. Many people do live this way.

You can REQUEST your h not see his gf, but he has every right to refuse. You are his partner, not an authority figure, to him. In poly, we talk more about "consent" than "permission." We recognise the autonomy of each individual, whether they are partnered or not.

You could learn compersion as you heal. Successful poly partners learn this by doing. Eventually it become second nature. You get to the point where you have vicarious pleasure in your partner's pleasure with someone else, just as you would if they were off to a day with a platonic friend who shared interests with your partner that you didn't.

Say your h is into going to NASCAR races, and you hate it. You'd be happy to send him off with his car loving friend. You know you'd be miserable at the races. You then get to pursue your own hobbies that day, or do self care by working out or getting a massage or shopping or whatever. This is kind of what compersion is like.

Right now you're afraid of losing your husband entirely to his new partner. Asking for reassurance, and going on romantic dates with your h can help. It's time to, yes, rebuild your intimacy.

If you are on the autism spectrum, you may not be able to build more emotional intimacy easily or at all. Dunno if that is a consideration.
 
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