Polyamory? Or NRE addiction?

pheonixaise said:
However, I make this promise now, I will not date someone until our relationship is better, and I won't date someone until I feel a REAL connection.
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That's good, but I think our confusion comes from the fact that you said you are mono. It seems to me, if you are mono, "feeling a real connection with someone else," as you say, is impossible.

I'm sorry if I sound demoralising. I just don't want you to get into that wild-goose chase. Certainly, you are free to ask her to give you the same rights that she has, but it looks like you are... well, dreaming a bit.

I mean, if I said, as a poly, that I'd wait to find the one person that makes me not need to be poly anymore, people would tell me I've gone crazy. It won't happen.

Right now you sound to me a bit like... I know. imagine my boyfriend is bisexual, and I decide that since he gets to have sex with both genders, I will too. But because I don't want to hurt anyone, I'll wait to have a real connection with a woman, emotionally, intellectually and physically.
That's not going to happen. I'm straight. The odds against that are astronomical. I guess they're not zero, though.

If it helps you to know you have the same right she does, good for you. I just have a bad feeling about it, I guess. I'm worried you'll wait for things to magically get better, and they won't.

I still wish you the best of luck about it. I could very well be completely off-base, after all.
 
I didn't say you are a bastard. Quite the contrary, you are hurt. I get that. I just don't see what I can offer if you have already decided that you are right and I am wrong. I offered my thoughts and you disagree. That is fine, but please don't assume you know that I am wrong. You obviously have not read anything I have written, or you would know that I know a great deal about what you are talking about and am willing to share what I have learned because of it. All I'm saying is it sounds like you are stuck in your anger. When you are done, I would be more than willing to engage you. For now, I will leave it to others.

Do me a favour, though. Please don't assume I know nothing of what you are going through and am full of shit. If you have read anything of what I have written about myself for two years here (see how many posts in the right hand corner?) you will see I have a few years on your story. Mine was very similar.

Good luck to you. Take care of your baby girl. I can see why you would worry about her.
 
Tonberry said:
That's good, but I think our confusion comes from the fact that you said you are mono. It seems to me, if you are mono, "feeling a real connection with someone else," is impossible.
I'm sorry if I sound demoralising, I just don't want you to get into that wild goose chase. Certainly, you are free to ask her to give you the same rights that she has, but it looks like you are dreaming a bit.

If I said, as a poly, that I'd wait to find the one person that makes me not need to be poly anymore, people would tell me I've gone crazy. It won't happen.

Imagine my boyfriend is bisexual, and I decide that since he gets to have sex with both genders, I will too. But because I don't want to hurt anyone, I'll wait to have a real connection with a woman, emotionally, intellectually and physically. That's not going to happen. I'm straight. The odds against that are astronomical. I guess they're not of zero, though. If it helps you to know you have the same right she does, good for you. I just have a bad feeling about it, I guess. I'm worried you'll wait for things to magically get better and they won't.

I still wish you the best of luck...
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Okay, that was much better for me. When I don't feel like I'm being attacked, I have a much better chance of understanding where you are coming from.

Here is my theory. I haven't yet found someone who I could be in a relationship with while I am with Liz. However, I have felt certain kinds of different connections, and at it's core, I believe that having multiple connections is not wrong.

That would be the reason why I haven't left Liz, and why I dated her in the first place. On paper, the theory is fine, and while a little outlandish and occasionally farfetched, with little to no logical backing, it has a massive amount of emotional backing.

My theory, and again, I could be wrong as well, is that when someone comes along (and I have ridiculously high standards that, trust me, I've tried to lower) that I feel really attached to, or put it this way, that I would date if I were single (as a mono person, that's kind of how I relate it), and they are okay with poly, then who knows? Based on my acceptance of the mindset as it is on paper, a positive piece of empirical evidence to suggest that it can in fact, be positive for me, as well, may be all I need to say "Wait a minute! This NRE stuff is great, and I can now see where Liz is coming from!"

I haven't had that yet, and as much as a realize why it is such a drug for her, it still hurts tremendously to have it right there for me to see all the time, and yet don't retain any of the positive myself.

I have a theory that one can bolster NRE with more NRE. That is that the natural irrationality, or predisposition to ignoring negative qualities once mutuality in a relationship is established, can be compensated for by focusing those portions of your attention on the other NRE.

For example, if I like football (soccer over here) and Liz doesn't, but my theoretical second girlfriend does, when I want to catch a match, I would catch it with my second girlfriend. If my second girlfriend hates horror movies, and Liz doesn't, then I'll watch horror with Liz.

It's still just a theory, but I am actually working at giving this whole thing a shot. It just requires me finding a logical reason to put myself on the train tracks again.
 
redpepper said:
I didn't say you are a bastard. Quite the contrary, you are hurt. I get that. I just don't see what I can offer if you have already decided that you are right and I am wrong. I offered my thoughts and you disagree. That is fine, but please don't assume you know that I am wrong. You obviously have not read anything I have written or you would know that I know a great deal about what you are talking about and am willing to share what I have learned because of it. All I'm saying is it sounds like you are stuck in your anger and when you are done, I would be more than willing to engage you. For now I will leave it to others.

Do me a favour, though. Please don't assume I know nothing of what you are going through and am full of shit. If you have read anything of what I have written about myself for two years here (see how many posts in the right hand corner?) You will see I have a few years on your story.
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I apologize. I don't think you are full of shit, or wrong. I suppose my biggest question, stepping out of my defense and anger, is if you have been dealing with similar problems for two years, what is the point of the complexity?
 
Hi, I'd like to chime in.

I want to go back to what you said about your earlier life. You had 12 sexual relationships, but weren't gratified until the 12th one, with your current partner, Liz. You also mentioned having Asperger's. One of the possible ways Asperger's can manifest is in missing social cues, and another is in taking a large interest in some topics or hobbies, to the point of rigidity or seeming obsession. (My gf's nephew is obsessed with electric fans, a nephew of mine with making paper cut-out dolls. My dad is obsessed with NASCAR, etc., etc.)

So, for whatever reason, no woman satisfied you sexually until you met Liz. I am thinking she is highly sexual, and this brought out your reluctant libido.

Maybe *she* isnt satisfied with *your* lukewarm libido, and needs a more highly sexual partner. IMO (sorry NYCindie), trips to poly fertility festivals occasionally, such as Beltane (yeehah!), or role-playing networks like SCAA could work to give her a hit of sexy fun time in the midst of feeling like a hardworking drudge. (I've been a stay at home mom, I know how it is.)

As far as dating, we've had threads here on how women do get hit on more. But so many men are unsuitable, we may be able to find a short-term sexy dating partner, but finding real love is just as hard for us as it is for men.

If you are working and at school most of the week, are you able to meet her need to feel sexy, young and desirable, or is that a stretch for you? How does your Asperger's condition affect the relationship, if it does?
 
Your story is coming out in pieces, so it is hard not to come to the wrong conclusions. Your tone comes off as pretty confrontational, but as you explain more and give us more details, that tone becomes understandable.

It seems to me that you are attempting to mask justifiable outrage under a veneer of logic.

What I'm hearing is that Liz has cheated, is possibly an NRE junkie, and has done little to earn your trust after breaking it many times. It sounds to me like she has abused your willingness to be accommodating to her and your desire to make her happy.

She does not sound polyamorous to me, and so your questions about polyamory in this context are impossible to answer properly.

I do believe Magdlyn's comments above are pretty insightful and bear consideration.
 
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Magdlyn said:
I want to go back to what you said about your earlier life. You had 12 sexual relationships, but weren't gratified until the 12th one, with your current partner, Liz. You also mentioned having Asperger's. One of the possible ways Asperger's can manifest is in missing social cues, and another is in taking a large interest in some topics or hobbies, to the point of rigidity or seeming obsession. (My gf's nephew is obsessed with electric fans, a nephew of mine with making paper cut-out dolls. My dad is obsessed with NASCAR, etc., etc.)

So, for whatever reason, no woman satisfied you sexually until you met Liz. I am thinking she is highly sexual, and this brought out your reluctant libido.

Maybe *she* isn't satisfied with *your* lukewarm libido, and needs a more highly sexual partner. IMO (sorry NYCindie), trips to poly fertility festivals occasionally, such as Beltane (yeehah!), or role playing networks like SCAA could work to give her a hit of sexy fun time in the midst of feeling like a hardworking drudge. (I've been a stay at home mom, I know.)

As far as dating, we've had threads here on how women do get hit on more. But so many men are unsuitable, we may be able to find a short-term sexy dating partner, but finding real love is just as hard for us as it is for men.

If you are working and at school most of the week, are you able to meet her need to feel sexy, young and desirable, or is that a stretch for you? How does your Asperger's condition affect the relationship, if it does?
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Okay, I know that wasn't meant to be spikey, and was said with the best of intentions. Thank you.

As someone with Asperger's (though I will say this now, it is very mild; I don't have obsessions; and I catch most social ques now due to intense study), I readily accept constructive criticism. As for it affecting our relationship, it doesn't, in terms of us. It does, in fact, make some difference socially, but not with her, as she seems to identify with it in a way.

As for making her feel young and sexy, I'm not really sure I am fit to answer that. However, I will say that my "reluctant" libido is not something that causes me to not pursue her. In fact, it is quite the opposite. While I don't need it, and have never felt like I need it (meaning I have gone 3 years with having absolutely no desire to fulfill any sexual actions), I do readily accept it, and more often than she currently wants to, I do initiate and try my best to make her feel young, sexy and desirable. I tell her consistently how beautiful she is, both physically and emotionally, and her friends tell me constantly (some of them poly who are hinting at something) how wonderful I make her feel sexually, how much I take foreplay into account, etc., etc.

That being said, I don't actually know. She could be saying it to make me feel good, or her friends could be lying. I believe I'm doing a good enough job, but again, she would be the only one who would know.

Thank you for your post!
 
Sorry for the double post, but this thread is moving fast. As I was writing, you mentioned Liz cut a lover's name into her arm. And she is struggling with post-partum depression. Is she using NRE to mask her pain?

Hmmm, some deep stuff going on here... kinda scary.

Did you know she was a cutter all this time?

Did you know being an NRE junkie is not being polyamorous?

As others here have said, it would be interesting to have Liz post here, as well.
 
Penny said:
Your story is coming out in pieces, so it is hard not to come to the wrong conclusions. Your tone comes off as pretty confrontational, but as you explain more and give us more details, that tone becomes understandable.

It seems to me that you are attempting to mask justifiable outrage under a veneer of logic.

What I'm hearing is that Liz has cheated, is possibly an NRE junkie, and has done little to earn your trust after breaking it many times. It sounds to me like she has abused your willingness to be accommodating to her and your desire to make her happy.

She does not sound polyamorous to me, and so your questions about polyamory in this context are impossible to answer properly.

I do believe Magdlyn's comments above are pretty insightful and bear consideration.
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That's a rather interesting perspective. I don't actually believe she cheated, because she never did anything to knowingly break my trust or hurt me, at least, no more so than knowing I wouldn't be happy about it. But in her defense, I wouldn't be happy to know that she's sleeping with someone else, even if I accept it.

I agree that her comments do indeed beg consideration.
 
pheonixaise said:
I don't actually believe she cheated, because she never did anything to knowingly break my trust or hurt me.
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It was not clear from your post that, when you walked in on Liz with your best friend/best man, you were aware that she was with him beforehand.

I agree with those who think she is not actually polyamorous. It does sound like she is using NRE like a drug.
 
So the part about pets and getting them has kind of struck home here.

I have a parrot, four cats, and two dogs. I love them all, but I do wish I'd figured out how to be poly sooner. They are not people. And trust me, there will be pet NRE too. You will probably find yourself collecting them while your wife struggles to understand why some basic need is not met. Trust me, another pet does not fill the void permanently.

I tried the pet thing. It doesn't work.
 
Magdlyn said:
You mentioned Liz cut a lover's name into her arm. She is struggling with post-partum depression as well. Is she using NRE to mask her pain?

Hmmm, some deep stuff going on here... kinda scary.
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Magdlyn said:
Did you know she was a cutter all this time?

Did you know being an NRE junkie is not being polyamorous?

As others here have said, it would be interesting to have Liz post here, as well.
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I'm sorry. A timeline might help. She had the lover whose name she cut into her arm before she became pregnant. She became depressed when he left her. It was a 4-week relationship, I might add. That was the first time she had ever cut. (She would probably kill me if she knew I told people, but it's difficult to get help with a partial story.)

As for NRE junkie, I did know that is not being polyamorous. But the difference is, if the person doesn't turn out to be an asshole after she has had her fun, she doesn't leave them once the NRE fades. She simply doesn't listen to people when they say, "Hey, that guy literally told me that he wants to make you leave your husband," and responds with, "Oh, I'm sure he didn't mean it like that!"

Those kinds of comments are what make me afraid to throw myself under another bus. Still got the tire tracks from the last 18 wheeler. lol.
 
Penny said:
It was not clear from your post that, when you walked in on her with your best friend/best man, you were aware that she was with him beforehand.

I agree with those who think she is not actually polyamorous. It does sound like she is using NRE like a drug.
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Oh, I didn't know she would be. But she took asking if she could go to a movie with him as my consent to date him. She didn't see him again afterwards. It was a misunderstanding, but it did catch me completely off guard.
 
pheonixaise said:
Oh, I didn't know she would be, but she took asking if she could go to a movie with him as my consent to date him. She didn't see him again afterwards. It was a misunderstanding. But it did catch me completely off guard.
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Um... wow.

Dude.

She took you saying it was okay to go to a movie with him as permission to fuck him?

Am I missing something here?

She sounds pretty messed up. The cutting after a four-week relationship, fucking the friend, pretty much everything you've said so far makes me think she is in serious need of psychological help.
 
Penny said:
Um... wow. Dude. She took you saying it was okay to go to a movie with him as permission to fuck him? Am I missing something here?

She sounds pretty messed up. The cutting after a four-week relationship, fucking the friend, pretty much everything you've said so far, makes me think she is in serious need of psychological help.
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Um... maybe I'm not explaining this right? She is sane. I know that for a fact. She didn't MEAN to fuck him. He wanted to. He started doing things, and she got into the moment.

As for the cutting and that, I'm sure it was just a moment of weakness. He was the guy who opened her to poly. He presented this whole world of love to her without any kind of responsibility to him. She was very into this guy because he was like a mentor to her. Granted, their relationship didn't last long. He was married with a daughter, and eventually, after he offered her to be his second wife, he dumped her after she met me, saying "I no longer feel you need me to hold you up anymore, because you have someone who cares about you enough to do it for me."

Trust me, it could be the influences that she has had so far, but she is not crazy, nor is she intentionally hurting me. Of that, I am certain. She recognizes when she does something, and tries really hard to avoid any situations of the like. Hence the compromise.
 
pheonixaise said:
She didn't MEAN to fuck him. He wanted to. He started doing things, and she got into the moment. As for the cutting and that, I'm sure it was just a moment of weakness.
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That is NOT healthy behavior. Please, just look at what you are saying:

"She didn't mean to fuck him."

"The cutting was just a moment of weakness."

This stuff has so much power over her, she is not in control of her own actions at the moment? That is not healthy.
 
TruckerPete said:
Unless you are being raped, you don't accidentally fuck people.

Sorry, but it sounds like you are being used.
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Um....well, she did feel really bad about it, and didn't do it again. It hasn't been an issue before. However, she has even been known to get into a situation like that with me in public. She does kind of get carried away. I don't think I'm being used. It was just a misunderstanding...

If I were being used, she would be wanting to openly date again.
 
Wow. What they said. Plus, you and Liz have only been together two years, and have a 9-month old. So she got pregnant 6 months into your relationship, and dated the whole time, as well, while in NRE with you, and also while pregnant?

And your best friend just got his rocks off when they had permission from you for a movie date? What was *he* thinking?

If you want to protect your daughter, set some firmer boundaries... like, yesterday. Liz might've been hiding her tendency to self harm. People do that. (I know because my daughter hid it from our family for YEARS.)
 
That is so totally not just a misunderstanding. And mentally healthy people don't act like that. Period.
 
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