Polyfi triad help

J

jacs87

New member
Hi! I'm new here, and to poly in general. I've always been monogamous, but six months ago I entered a relationship with a married couple. We live together, sleep in the same bed, and for the most part live an awesome life together.

But I find that I have a hard time dealing with the fact that they're married and have all of these tangible connections that I'll never be able to have with them. Marriage was something of a priority for me, so to now find myself in a situation where that isn't an option is proving difficult and I'm definitely jealous that I don't get to have that kind of connection. I love them and am willing to sacrifice that particular dream, but I was wondering if anyone in a similar situation had any advice on how to get over the jealousy. If jealousy is even the right word. It's not that I don't want them to have their marriage. I just wish society were structured in such a way that they could have theirs and I could have that with them, too.

Any advice would be appreciated!
 
Hi jacs87,

I don't know if it will help, but here are some links I often refer people to when they're struggling with jealousy:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

There is even a book, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.

I'm very sorry that society does not yet have poly marriage. I think someday it will, but not in my lifetime.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
It depend on what aspects of marriage you are missing. Many of the legal and social aspects can be set up if the parties are motivted and determined. You might want to look at Bluebird's blog thread titled Fun and Frolic With Long Term Love. She and her two guys are as married as they can manage. If it is the emotional connection they have, that is something that will just have to come with time.

Leetah
 
Thank you both for the suggestions! I'll definitely be checking those out.

kdt, oddly enough, I have a copy of that jealousy workbook you mentioned. When we first started our triad, we saw a therapist who recommended it. I haven't looked at it in awhile-- I really should pick it up again.

I'd have to say it's the legal and societal connections that I'm missing, Leetah. I feel like the emotional connection is there-- I can't really put a finger on why the other stuff even matters to me.
 
I have two husbands..

I am married to both men. My life is as equally entwined with both.
 
Dagferi, that's great to know that it's possible to feel that way! I'm glad you're able to experience it, and it's definitely something I want to work towards, myself.
 
Thank you. It is not easy but I manage. Unlike Bluebird I my relationships do not mingle at all other than the rare holiday or kid event.

I divide my time between homes I share with each man. I have legal protection/rights in place for Murf. Medical & beneficiary.

We had a wedding ceremony. The works just not the little piece of paper from the government.
 
jacs87 said:
But I find that I have a hard time dealing with the fact that they're married and have all of these tangible connections that I'll never be able to have with them.
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Does this mean that you are in the closet? Are you "a dirty little secret" they keep from their relatives etc.? Why can't you *ever* have these connections with them? What all connections do you mean?

I think it was YouAreHere who has recommended a book about legalities in non-married relationships. Some of the tips apply to poly situations as well.

jacs87 said:
Marriage was something of a priority for me, so to now find myself in a situation where that isn't an option is proving difficult and I'm definitely jealous that I don't get to have that kind of connection.
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Marriage means very different things to different people. I urge you to contemplate what marriage means to you. What actually do you want when you say you'd want to get married? After answering that you might be able to work out solutions where you get those things even if you can't get married to your couple. Part of my own contemplation process before getting married was to read the local marriage law so that I knew what I was committing to. You could start similarly: find out what all rights and responsibilities are granted to married spouses and then work out how to get something similar in other ways.

I am only married to CJ, but for all practical matters my relationship with Mark is as good as a marriage. We do not yet have all possible legal protection in place but that is because Mark has been too lazy to do the legal work - it is his job and no one else can do that for him.
 
Yes! I have two husbands, and we all live together. DarkKnight is my legal husband in the eyes of the government, but I've done everything I can to set up the same protections for PunkRock. We have living wills, and PunkRock is actually my health care proxy - not DarkKnight. That way, neither of them can be legally be barred from my hospital bed. I have my life insurance split equally between them, and their retirement accounts and life insurance pay out to me. We share finances and have both joint and individual bank accounts. They have separate vacations with me each year, though we do group trips too. We work together each year to set up financial and personal goals, so we're all on the same page and working toward them together. When I married PunkRock, we had ceremony that was just as meaningful to me as my wedding to DarkKnight. We didn't file for that recognition with the state, but I am actually in the process of changing my legal name - I'm keeping my first and last names but taking PunkRock's last name as my middle.

We are all out to our families and friends. We're all adults and don't care who disapproves. None of our parents are thrilled, but it is what we want and they don't have to like it.
 
Nadya, we're somewhere between in and out of the closet, if that makes sense. Most of the people closest to us know, and we don't necessarily hide it in public, but as far as work and more distant friends and family go, it's a secret. I hadn't necessarily considered it, but maybe that is part of my problem.

The connections I'm referring to are the more concrete things-- the validation in the eyes of the government, being covered on each other's health insurance policies, things like that. I know it's possible to achieve some of these things, but I don't know how much or really where to start. Poly wasn't something that had been on any of our radars before we realized we were in love, and I'm just now starting to explore what kinds of rights we can have. Looking at the local marriage law is a great idea-- thank you!

Bluebird, I just started looking at your blog here last night! It's encouraging to see just how much you can do, even without having an official marriage. Setting up a health care proxy is something I'll need to look in to-- not being able to be with them if they were in the hospital is one of my biggest worries.
 
As already suggested, definitely look into your state laws (assuming you're in the US). Each one has different things that come with marriage that you can and cannot "replicate" with other contracts. That is a great place to start. Communal property states are, as I understand it, by far the most complicated, and often there's not a lot you can actually do to override those particular laws; but, those laws may not matter to you.

That said, think about what it actually means to you (which I know someone else suggested). If you think you're going to have to be closeted forever from many people, are you prepared for that and can you be okay with it? Are children a consideration in the future (which may complicate the closeted thing, of course). Etc. Those answers may mean you don't need to the option of legal marriage, or they may mean it's something you want to consider finding other solutions for (which could take many different forms, from pursuing your own primary to finding a way to come out to family, to moving states, to the two of them getting divorced and all fo your living without legal marriage so you are on a legal and social level playing field, to...well, many other possibilities exist).

Good luck, and I wish the three of you all the best!
 
Well, you are not alone in what you are going through. I am going through something very similar as I am dating a married couple. I am trying to find what it is about marriage that I actually really want. Mostly I think it's being barred from a hospital bed if one of my partners is sick. That terrifies me in such a sickening manner.

It's really taking a good look at those insecurities and figuring out why you have them. Once you do you can figure out a way around them. At least that is the way I look at it.
 
GreenAcres, thank you for the thoughtful response! I'll definitely be looking at my local marriage laws to see what exactly those entail. I really haven't been able to pinpoint what exactly it is about marriage that is important to me-- the validation, the security, the connection, or something else entirely. That's something I really need to give thought to.

Castress, do you find yourself feeling insecure or left out because you're not a part of that marriage? Is there anything they do to help you feel secure? I've never spoken to someone else who was dating a married couple before so I'm curious to hear how others handle it!
 
I have dated a few married couples, but I was never okay with a poly-fi kind of thing with those relationships, and still wouldn't be unless things in the US changed dramatically, or unless pretty serious steps were taken to change the legal status of all the relationships. For me, it's largely because I am really practical (less the "love-conquers-all" type, and more the "down the road" type), and some of the things that happened when one couple is married and the other two/the triad is not are just not something that have good, practical work-arounds. The legal imbalance for things like divorce proceedings, vacation savings, house/mortgage investments, health insurance, taxes, etc., was something that (at least in the states I've lived in) tends to lack much in the way of redress in reality, since those states have pretty much said that marriage overrides most of those types of social contracts if they're done with third parties.

That tends to leave me feeling like a long-term poly-fi relationship would, for me, carry much more risk for one (the unmarried) party, especially in the case of death or separation (seriously--I have seen people I'd known my whole life that I would have sworn were loving and kind do the craziest shit during divorce or death of a spouse, and never have any desire to leave myself at the mercy of someone else's kindness during one of those times in hopes they will decide I deserve the share I should be entitled to given what I put into things).

It would be something of concern for me should my nesting partner and I ever find someone who we naturally fell into a triad with (unlikely, since we are not at all attracted to the same kind of people), because we got married fairly specifically for some of those very benefits to which a new mutual partner would not be entitled. If a triad ever naturally formed, I'd very much not want it to be poly-fi long term, because I am not 1) interested in giving up those benefits, some some of the are very necessary for me right now in light of some medical issues and 2)I wouldn't want to have that imbalance of power (whether it's real or perceived). So, I would want a lover to know they were free to pursue a nesting partner of their own, and therefore some of those societal benefits, if they liked. (it should be noted I am not even a little closeted, so in terms of social events, family, etc., it's fairly easy for their to be possibly fairness and parity).

All that said, that is just me. For some people, these things may present no issues for many reasons: their states have fewer rules about contracts vs. marital contracts, they have access to great health insurance, their income bracket makes being unmarried more advantageous, they never intend to own mutual property that is a large investment, etc.

It's a very individual decision, and should definitely not be entered into lightly.
 
I understand where you're coming from-- I'm also more of a practical person than anything, and the inability to prepare for some of the situations you mentioned are a big stressor. All great stuff to consider, thank you.
 
Not so much that I am not apart of their marriage. I do feel tons of jealousy at times though.

The fact that I can not get legally married with either of them started to bother me. Even though it's not really something that I want at the moment.
I don't get to spend time with them like they get to spend time with each other. It's things like that that I am working through.

An open line of truthful communication is really key for us. They make a real effort to show me that I mean a lot to them. Of course vice versa.
 
Castress said:
Not so much that I am not apart of their marriage. I do feel tons of jealousy at times though.

The fact that I can not get legally married with either of them started to bother me. Even though it's not really something that I want at the moment.
I don't get to spend time with them like they get to spend time with each other. It's things like that that I am working through.

An open line of truthful communication is really key for us. They make a real effort to show me that I mean a lot to them. Of course vice versa.
Click to expand...

Perhaps you would be better off forming your own V
 
Castress, I can see what you mean about needing an open line of communication. That can be hard, though. I struggle with expressing what I'm feeling and why, because neither of my partners have been in my position before. They can't necessarily relate to my insecurities, because in their minds there is no hierarchy or anything for me to feel insecure about-- we're a triangle and we all love each other. Which is great, and very sweet, but doesn't really help when I'm feeling down over marriage.

I know that I need to figure out what would fill the void. What would make me feel secure and like a true equal in the relationship. But I haven't been able to put a finger on what that is, yet.
 
You could ask them to start reading up on polyamory, especially on couples privilege. They are blind to the things a "secondary" needs to feel secure in her life. Love is nice, but it takes more than love for a relationship to thrive. If they remain blase about your fears and needs, they might not be the right people for you to commit to long term.
 
jacs87 said:
Castress, I can see what you mean about needing an open line of communication. That can be hard, though. I struggle with expressing what I'm feeling and why, because neither of my partners have been in my position before. They can't necessarily relate to my insecurities, because in their minds there is no hierarchy or anything for me to feel insecure about-- we're a triangle and we all love each other. Which is great, and very sweet, but doesn't really help when I'm feeling down over marriage.

I know that I need to figure out what would fill the void. What would make me feel secure and like a true equal in the relationship. But I haven't been able to put a finger on what that is, yet.
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Omg, I relate on such a level with you! I know that feeling. The same thing is said to me. They have expressed I am NOT a secondary and there is no hierarchy. I am trying to be realistic though. I feel I am, and at the moment I am handling it. I think very well. I too have a horrible time expressing myself. I also have really bad anxiety. I am tying to identify what it is that really is bothering me. That way I can figure out what I need to work on. They can only do so much, ya' know?

AJM, I have thought on that. It would never really work out that way. I kind of like our triangle a little too much anyway. =P
 
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