Polys that want monos

B

baughb

New member
I know from reading other's experiences that it can be common for people to choose to be mono to their poly SO. But have any of you ever known of a poly person who wanted their SOs to be mono to them?

I am in a V with R as the hinge; R and A have been together for roughly 7 years. R confessed to me the other night that he feels a certain amount of jealousy and possessiveness with me than he has with past partners. He also confessed that my recent dates with another sparked a small amount of insecurity, and while he respected my choices to see another man, and that the feelings were his issues that he would deal with, and would never expect to set boundaries, he sometimes wished that he was my only SO.

Being new to the V lifestyle, I personally am still occasionally dealing with my own feelings of emotional and physical neediness, and times when I would like the company of my SO, but because of time constraints of him being with A it wasn't feasible. So my dates with the other man was partially in part to help as a distraction, to be respectful of R's time with A. I explained this to R, and he requested that I give him the chance to provide more time and affection to fill the void, and allow him to be my only SO as long as I felt content with this. I agreed on a 'for now' basis.

I am curious of other's thoughts on this. I am doing my best to do everything in this relationship with open eyes. I don't want to overlook any red flags, but I also don't want to overanalyze things that may not be a big deal. I am very much in the NRE state, so I don't want healthy decisions to be clouded because of it.
 
To me, this would be a red flag. It seems like a good thing that you said "for now," rather than an unbounded yes. After thinking about it more, you might want to put some specific deadlines around this, i.e., asking, "Can we revisit this in a couple of weeks?" or, "I'm not sure if this will work for me, so can we say a tentative yes for now, but keep talking?" (That may be where you're at, right now, in any case.)

One of my partners is in a similar position with his girlfriend at the moment. She wants no more new partners. He has two and she has three currently. She asked if they could be "exclusive" for now, to avoid having to deal with the difficult aspects of adding a new person into the mix at this time. He agreed, because it was a non-issue for now, but he said they may need to renegotiate this in the future if it becomes a problem.

The worry I have with this (and, thankfully, it's not my relationship, so not really my problem) is that the trigger for needing to reopen such an agreement will quite possibly be the fact of wanting to be with another person.

For example, you and your current SO could agree to you only being with him, "for now." But what would make you want that to change? It could be other things, of course, but it may be you actually meeting someone else that you wanted to be with, as well as him. The emotions of talking about that, at that time, when there are real people involved, could be much more volatile than discussing workable boundaries in advance, when things are just theory.

I think it's better to only agree to boundaries in theory that you can imagine you'd be able to work with in practice. If you're not sure (and it sounds like you're not) you should ideally say that, instead of agreeing. I.e., say you're not sure what you want, and that you'd like to see how things go, and to work through this aspect together with your SO as your experiences develop.

I imagine many folks here wouldn't be comfortable with the asymmetry of this kind of arrangement. It seems off to me, and I wouldn't personally be into it. That said, there are many workable ways to organise relationships... and not all will appeal to most. Good luck! x
 
The confusing thing here is that his confession of jealousy and insecurity makes it sound as if you are indeed special to him - and you no doubt are. His confession makes you want to honor his wishes. The thing of it is at the end of the day, when he is spending time with his other gf, you are still alone.

I won't go into my own story, as it is long and drawn out, but I have been in a similar situation. If you find yourself curtailing your activities to sit home alone on R's night with the other gf, you will begin to feel left out and resentful. I did. Not fun.

What he is asking likely will not be sustainable.
 
It's pretty common for some people to want their cake and eat it too. They want multiple partners but they don't want to deal with insecurities. My ex wanted a closed triad. He was fine having a gf, or he wanted us to have a gf. He was not ok with me having a gf and certainly not ok with me dating men. Lots of couples have a "one-penis policy."

I would never enter in such a relationship again.
 
Thank you all for the respectful replies, they have definitely given me things to think about. As of right now it's not a huge issue; I haven't seen the other man I had been on the dates with in nearly a month, and I'm not necessarily actively looking for another partner. The points you all have brought up are honest and fair, and I will make it a point to remember them to not get caught up in trying to please my SO. Any additional feedback is welcome also.
 
baughb said:
But have any of you ever known for a poly to want their SOs to be mono to them?
Click to expand...

Sure, it's on these boards a lot. I don't think it's a coincidence that people come here having problems with policies like this; it is a clear picture that these policies are counterproductive to a healthy romantic relationship.

Any rules which govern what a romantic partner does with their time, energy, body, or emotions is born of insecurity. These rules do nothing to actually address said insecurity, but merely force others into action so that the insecure party doesn't have to work on it. In fact, I would say that it serves to make the insecurities worse, as they are now allowed to quietly fester.

I will not tolerate such rules in any relationship I am involved in; I am my own master.
 
baughb said:
I know from reading other's experiences that it can be common for people to choose to be mono to their poly SO. But have any of you ever known for a poly to want their SOs to be mono to them?
Click to expand...

I think it is apparent far more than anyone really acknowledges. Ok, as well as the ones that express their desire for a monogamous partner, you have those who consent to a polyamorous relationship and continually put obstacles and barriers in their partner's way to make outside relationships as difficult as they can. I strongly believe that this is because they actually want a monogamous partner and they are fully aware of how their actions will prevent them bonding with anyone else.
 
I'm the poly hinge in a V with two men that are mono. This is new for all of us. DH and I have been married nearly 20 years and have been on this poly road for about 6 years. DC and I have been together almost 2 years. We've had discussions about either of them dating. DH is open to it, but would rather have some things straightened out in his own mind before he even thinks about it. DC is open but wary.. Telling a woman you are already involved often ends up with doors slammed in your face.

One of the things we have discussed is that while I would be happy and have even mentioned or pushed a bit for both of them to date others, I am sure that I too will be dealing with issues when it happens, the same issues DH dealt with when I started dating. However, I also know these are my issues to deal with. I'll want to be honest in my feelings, but my goal would be to not put restrictions or my own insecurities on either of them!

So, I don't think it's odd that he has some insecurities now that the shoe is on the other foot. I think what is important is how he deals with them., like owning them, being honest, discussing, but working on them not interfering with you dating.
 
I always find it interesting when people who have multiple relationships themselves have trouble letting their partners do the same. I completely acknowledge that feelings can and do happen. But, really? He gets to have all the perks and benefits of having both of you, but wants you to curtail your own pursuits so he doesn't feel a little jealous?

When I first met my husband he was and always had been mono. I told him I was bi and poly and while I was willing to keep things mono between us for a while (until he got used to the idea, which was fine with me at the time because I wanted to bond with him as well), I would not promise lifelong fidelity. When we wrote our marriage vows, I purposely left that out. He did not, interestingly. I now wish I had never promised him monogomy at all. Even though we hav been involved with poly groups and sites and poly has been an ever present possibility with us, it is very difficult for him to handle it.

BF and I have a very different dynamic. When we dated and were best friends in high school, he always knew I had other guys I dated. It was the "default" setting" for our whole relationship. We never even dated officially, like telling people. If I had boy problems, I went to him and he talked me through it. If he had girl problems, I did the same for him. When I first told him about me being poly 6 months ago, when we realized we still had feelings for each other, it was interesting to him, but not really a stretch. When I questioned whether he could handle it, sharing me with another, or even with others, his response was simply "Honey, this is what we have always done. Nothing is really different." It is a very different perspective. He does have jealousy. He does miss me terribly when we are apart. But he says he just deals with it and knows that I will come back. It is very refreshing to have someone who does this for me.

I also experience jealousy with my BF. Not with his wife, because to me that is obvious. But, he has a lot of female friends. He always has. He is the guy you can talk to, who will come put up a piece of sheet rock for you or recharge your car AC. His women friends text him often. I just breathe deeply and tell myself that he is not in love with them like he is with me, and thankfully I am in love with a nice guy who likes to help people. :)

Hopefully R will find a way to be comfortable with you dating others. It would be one thing if you wanted to be mono with him, or have a polyfidelitous relationship. But it has to be something you want, not just that you are going along with it to make him happy or secure.

Willow
 
Thank you all again for the supportive replies. I spoke to R today and expressed my concerns of being mono to him, and requested that if the time came that I felt I would like to explore the idea of another partner that I would be able to discuss that with him. He seemed very supportive of that, and concerned about what made ME happy, and what I wanted to remain happy with him.

At the moment it's not a huge issue; I'm not actively looking for another partner, and I still feel as if we are in the bonding and building stage, so I am happy to dedicate the extra attention to our relationship as it makes me feel good right now.

Willow, I appreciate your post, because I occasionally feel the way with R as you stated with your B. His relationship with his primary does not stir negative feelings, but he is very 'playful' online and has many female friends, and I find myself doing the same thing; taking the deep breath and reminding myself that it's harmless online interaction.
 
I see that R wants to try to give you more time to see if that will meet your need... but isn't you choosing to not see others a possible OUTCOME of that? Not the PRECURSOR to that?

Like... "Ok R. Sure! See if you can spend more time with me!" Could try that on first without changing anything else about your life.

After some time, evaluate the change and see how that change served you. If after trying that on a while you come to find that your time needs ARE being adequately met, could THEN decide whether or not to let go of dating others?

I see you want to secure this relatively new thing with R, but there's other ways to reassure him in his jealous/insecure than to go right to giving up dating other people.

If this is what you really want to do, that's fine.

But it just seemed odd to me to do such a 180 in just a few days. :confused: Just a few days ago you were excited to still be able date others. And in your intro you talk about him reconciling with his GF and not telling you and you guys breaking up over the lie of omission. Now you are 3 mos in after getting back together. It still being a bit weird there with A still digesting you being in the picture too.

If you want to keep seeing him... that's up to you.

But in your shoes I wouldn't close off other dating options at this time. So far he's sounding like wonky returns on your investment up to this point. So... don't put all your eggs in that basket? :confused:

See if he can deliver first? (this business of giving you more time.)

And don't close yourself from a better offer elsewhere?

Galagirl
 
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I see what you're saying, Galagirl. I am still excited to have the possibility to date others, and had been on a few dates with another, but honestly, that seemed to fizzle, as I really haven't heard from him in about a month, and I wasn't actively going out of my way to find the other at the time.

Part of my enjoyment of being able to date others was in part to help fill the time that I may not be able to spend with R. There can be times that it may be up to 2 weeks that I may not be able to see him. This can occasionally feel lonely, and I felt that by exploring the opportunity to spend time with others to fill the void, keep myself occupied and not ruminating on him, as I know it's not healthy for myself or our relationship. I was also leaving myself open to the possibility that in doing this, there may be a connection made with someone in the future.

When I explained this to R, he did offer to try to make an effort to give me more time to see if this helped fill the void and kept me content. I agreed, because I am not honestly sure if that is all I'm in need of, and figured the only way I would know would be to give it a shot. I did make it a point to mention that if that changed I wanted to be able to voice it to him so that he may be able to deal with any of his own emotions related to me dating another man.

Yes, we did start on rocky ground the first time we were together. I keep this in mind all the time, as does he, and I am very open with him about any feelings or insecurities about secrets. I have made it very clear to him that dishonesty is my dealbreaker. It hasn't been 100% rainbows and unicorns, but he understands how important trust is to me.
 
Well, that's all the thoughts I have on that one. It isn't the way I would go with it for myself.

But you are you and you seem to have chosen the way you want to go for yourself... so I hope it works out like you hope. :)

GL!
Galagirl
 
Its pretty common, at least in my past relationships. I believe that sometimes different people just bring that side out of each other. My K has had that conversation with me but like you stated they'll have to deal with that.

Sometimes I felt guilty for it but why not get your cake too!
 
An interesting turn this evening. During our conversation tonight R stated that he wished to retract his request of keeping me to himself. He stated that he didn't want to see me unhappy bdue to loneliness (it's been about a week and a half since I've seen him, I was starting to feel the lonely pings). And though he didn't say so, I suspect that part of him was feeling selfish and maybe a bit bad about that.
 
It is cool that he recognized that due to his lack of consistent availability what he was asking of you was not reasonable.
 
Each new addition to a dynamic creates a change (galagirl sometimes calls it the waterbed ripple effect).
Change can be disconcerting.

I am poly by nature, but insecurities arise for me amidst change and new relationships of MY OWN as well as new relationships my partners take on.

Having emotions isn't a red flag.
Even asking for a few weeks to get used to it isn't a red flag.

Emotions come and go like weather.
Asking for some space/time is good responsible communication.

However, expecting someone to live by rules that you yourself aren't willing to abide by is a problem.
 
I've got to be honest.. I think that any kind of relationship model can work, as long as it works for *everyone*.

More than ever before, I am finding myself happier to step away from a couple-centric view of poly - to relinquish control over our partners and just roll with the changes. That being said, I'm also aware that I'm only currently comfortable doing that within the parameters of what I currently feel I want from life. For example, I like being in a V with my GF as the hinge and her husband as my metamour. I also love living with their/our daughter. I am very comfortable relinquishing all the over-burdening control of guidelines and this and that, so long as we are all the same page about what we want from the bigger picture. What I'm less comfortable with is the idea of having other people move in with us, or other things along those lines. Though, I would never dream of telling my GF "you can't do that". We cannot possess each other. What I do think is acceptable is to say "I don't really want to live in a house with a ton of adults all trying to raise the little one. If you would like that relationship set up, I don't think I am able to comfortably be a part of it."

Do you see what I mean? I won't tell my partner what she can or can't do - I can only communicate when something she wants doesn't fit what I currently want. It is my nature to try anything once anyway - if, for example, my GF found that she desperately wanted someone else to move in with us, even though this goes against our current model, I'd at least try it for her sake. And for the sake of personal growth. I wouldn't deny myself the opportunity to grow and be able to move with changes. What I wouldn't do, though, is put myself through hell, accepting a situation that I truly wasn't happy with. My GF is at liberty to go her way and I am at liberty to go mine.

So in terms of mono/poly... well, I don't think it's right for anyone to say that it's not 'right'.

What if the hinge finds themselves in a situation where they love two people and can have those two people, with everyone happy? Say, for example, a man is married to a woman and falls in love with another woman. The wife is happy for her husband to have a girlfriend, because, I don't know, she doesn't have to 'provide' him with sex any more, which suits her, because she's never been too bothered about sex and it always felt like a chore. Let's say the girlfriend is really happy too, because she gets a hot sexual connection, whilst being able to live on her own, which she really likes, and also gets to hang out with his wife, who is great. What if everyone was happy with that?

I've been in that situation before. I used to date a married woman, when I was about 18. She didn't want me to be with others and often felt guilty for this. At the time, I didn't find myself attracted to anyone else, so I was happy to just see her. Temptation never came my way anyway.

Even in my current poly situation, I've had moments of feeling like I'd be fine with a closed-V, where my GF just had myself and her husband, and the two of us didn't date anyone else.

These days, I don't care much about dating others, per se. I find most of my *needs* met through my GF, myself, my friends, etc. But there are extra things that I can get from dating others, for sure. I could live without them. But my life is richer with them. So, for me, currently, it's more about the *freedom* to be able to make my own choices, than the concept of dating other people. If that freedom happens to mean that I don't have to worry about falling in love with an extra person, then that's great.

Basically, what works for you works for you. If you are lonely in a V and need to fill that need elsewhere, then that is something it wouldn't be healthy to deny yourself. If you wanted to date others simply because your boyfriend has someone else, without any real reason or desire to do so, I'd find that a bit pointless. Do what makes you happy!
 
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