PolyWog that could use some advice

[Janedoodledoe]

Hello! I'm very new to this site as well as polyamory so I hope I am posting in the right place. I have a situation going on that has been spinning in my head for a week now and I'm not sure how to go about it.
Firstly, my partner and I are primary partners. We first began this as an open relationship, but since then I have learn more about poly relationships and identifying as polygamous (I hope I am using these terms right). My partner and I have been together for over 5 years, we are both in our early 20s, and plan to be married in the future, hence him being my primary partner. For this post, I will refer to him as George.
Very recently, I started talking to someone online. He and I started as friends, but I quickly started having feelings for him the more we talked, and I feel it is fairly obvious with the way he talks with me that he has feelings too. The place we met is not clearly meant for dating, it is just meant for socializing, so it isn't something I can easily put in my bio stating my polyamory. On top of that, he lives in Canada, whereas I live in California, which isn't nessasarily bad or great. For this post, I will refer to him as Sam.
This is not my first time having feelings for someone outside of my partnership, but it is the first time I have wanted to start something with someone other than George. Because of that, I am worried on how to go about it.
Now, my delema is the fact that I'm not sure how to tell him how I feel and about my non-monogamous relationship with George due to the fact that Sam has been cheated on in the past. I feel that due to the downfall in his last relationship, he might feel deceived and never want to speak with me again. If he isn't open to a relationship with me, I can deal with that. His friendship is more important to me than romance.
Which is why I need help trying to figure out how I can bring it up in a way that's easy to understand and without hurting him. My mind has been going in circles about this since I can't seem to come up with a way to say it that can achieve both those standards.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Any insight or advice is greatly appreciated!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Janedoodledoe,

I guess my suggestion would be, to say to him, "Sam, I need to let you know that I am nonmonogamous. I hope that is okay." Then, field any questions he may have (such as, "Do you have another partner, and who is that"). Then, later on, as the conversation progresses, tell him, "Sam, I need to let you know that I have feelings for you. I hope that doesn't hurt our friendship." Then give him space to express himself however he needs to do.

The above is an approximate suggestion, you may want to modify what you say, how and when, according to your own good judgment. The sad fact is, I don't think there's any way to approach it that guarantees he won't get hurt or offended. But maybe the above paragraph gives you a way to improve your odds. I think telling him you're nonmonogamous before you tell him about your feelings for him improves your odds considerably.

Hopefully others will also chime in here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Amygdala]

Now, my delema is the fact that I'm not sure how to tell him how I feel and about my non-monogamous relationship with George due to the fact that Sam has been cheated on in the past. I feel that due to the downfall in his last relationship, he might feel deceived and never want to speak with me again. If he isn't open to a relationship with me, I can deal with that. His friendship is more important to me than romance.
Which is why I need help trying to figure out how I can bring it up in a way that's easy to understand and without hurting him. !

If I were hoping to date another woman in the situation of your Sam, i would say something along the lines of '' Hey, I really like you and don't want to hurt you so I have to tell you I am ethically non monogamous. How do you feel about that? Don't worry, If it scares you off that is perfectly ok....Just be honest''

It lets them know that first you like them and you care about their feelings. It lets them know a very important fact they have a right to know, it lets them know you are honest and secure.

You just might be surprised. Sam may well welcome an honest open relationship with you rather than being cheated on.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Could you please be willing to put paragraph breaks in your posts in future? It makes it easier to read and then hopefully you get more responses.

This is not my first time having feelings for someone outside of my partnership, but it is the first time I have wanted to start something with someone other than George. Because of that, I am worried on how to go about it.

Ok.

Now, my delema is the fact that I'm not sure how to tell him how I feel and about my non-monogamous relationship with George due to the fact that Sam has been cheated on in the past.

Just tell him. I grey out the part I don't think matters.

Yeah, he's been cheated on. But YOU aren't cheating. You are trying to be on the level and honest about things.

So why are you stressing out over his past FOR HIM?

If he has not finished healing from his past hurts, it's HIS job not to start dating before he is ready. So if he's not ready, all he has to do is say "Thanks, but I'm not in a dating place right now" to you. No big deal.

Why make this a bigger deal than it has to be? It's adults asking each other out.

I feel that due to the downfall in his last relationship, he might feel deceived and never want to speak with me again.

Just because he's the first one you've been attracted to enough to want to ask him out, doesn't mean he's a healthy person to ask out right now. You are the one actually there. You have to discern.

If he's been damaged in the recent past and you can tell he's not done healing? Don't pick a person like this to ask out right NOW. Could give him space to heal and ask him out later if you still want to.

If you can tell he's not esp. kind or esp. emotionally resilient and takes things personally and then cuts people out/storms off? What makes him so great you want to be friends with him or date him?

If he HAS healed and this is more about you feeling anxious about asking him out? And worrying what he might say? Remember your worries about him and how he reacts are YOUR worries. So attend to your worries and do whatever stress relief you do when you worry.

Like take care of YOU first. Then just ask him out if you want to ask him out.

Let his response/reaction be HIS job. Stop "what iffing" it and cranking your own anxiety up higher.

If he isn't open to a relationship with me, I can deal with that. His friendship is more important to me than romance.

Fair enough.

Which is why I need help trying to figure out how I can bring it up in a way that's easy to understand and without hurting him.

I suggest you speak plain. Short and sweet. Maybe something like

"Sam, I wanted to make you aware. I practice open relationship with George. I know not everyone is into that or even into long distance relationships, but I wanted to tell you more about me and that I'd be interested in dating you. I'm also ok with just leaving it as friends. No pressure. Just wanted to pay you the compliment that I think you are really neat. "​

That's not being MEAN to him.

And he has several "outs" you already provided -- not being into open relationships, not being into LDR, preferring friendship.

If he has questions he can ask.

Don't blurt out a novel from anxiety. Just keep it short and honest. In the end, it's just asking someone out. Sometimes they say "yes, thanks" and sometimes "no, thanks."

If they blow up and behave poorly? That says more about them than anything about you.

My mind has been going in circles about this since I can't seem to come up with a way to say it that can achieve both those standards.

The only thing you can control is not being a jerk in your communication.

How he thinks or feels is HIS reaction or response. You cannot control that. If he behaves like a jerk in response, maybe YOU change your mind about wanting to date him or be his friend.

Galagirl