Post-poly world

[starlight1]

I am not even sure where to start this.

I am in love with the romantic idea of poly. I was pretty successful as solo poly for a time. It was probably the best of times and worst of times for me. And i don't mean that figuratively. Being poly held the happiest times of my life but also the most loss. When in tbe end it was held over me like a sword of damocles, and I lost my kids in court with the threat of never seeing them again because of my sinful poly ways. (As they saw it). I know most others had many other ways of being and doing polyamory. I know I took a huge risk doing it as a vulnerable adult at the time. But it also taught me how not to be vulnerable. It was also awild rollercoaster of love, lust, and openness I've never experienced before or since. For me, a post poly world looks like, a calm lake compared to a riotous ocean.

The ocean of polyamory. Held depth excitement, endless possibilities and a huge social life that stretched me to accept people as they are. To be present and say yes more often. It also brought my world crash around me when I realized I was a lifeboat in an ocean storm.

My non poly world the calm lake with few ripples. I know it's depth, its width, the safe places to swim. It a time of retraction, reflection, using all that social energy and connections to focus on me and my family who would not be able to handle me being polyamorous. I won't hide relationships so I choose not to be involved in any at this time. Honestly I can't see myself ever truly monogamous again and yet I don't want to jump into the ocean. And it turned out handy because of covid and trump at the time.

What is post poly world or variations of the above for you all like?

 

[3908]

I like your writing style, very visual. I'm a visual thinker.
I have no real poly experience yet. maybe someday but you mentioned "sinful" well I'm in a Christian marriage and my wife wants nothing to do with poly, degrades the idea, I think id get the same response if I came our as "gay"

looking forward to others responses to your post. getting my popcorn lol.....

 

[tdh]

I am not even sure where to start this.

I am in love with the romantic idea of poly. I was pretty successful as solo poly for a time. It was probably the best of times and worst of times for me. And i don't mean that figuratively. Being poly held the happiest times of my life but also the most loss. When in tbe end it was held over me like a sword of damocles, and I lost my kids in court with the threat of never seeing them again because of my sinful poly ways. (As they saw it). I know most others had many other ways of being and doing polyamory. I know I took a huge risk doing it as a vulnerable adult at the time. But it also taught me how not to be vulnerable. It was also awild rollercoaster of love, lust, and openness I've never experienced before or since. For me, a post poly world looks like, a calm lake compared to a riotous ocean.

The ocean of polyamory. Held depth excitement, endless possibilities and a huge social life that stretched me to accept people as they are. To be present and say yes more often. It also brought my world crash around me when I realized I was a lifeboat in an ocean storm.

My non poly world the calm lake with few ripples. I know it's depth, its width, the safe places to swim. It a time of retraction, reflection, using all that social energy and connections to focus on me and my family who would not be able to handle me being polyamorous. I won't hide relationships so I choose not to be involved in any at this time. Honestly I can't see myself ever truly monogamous again and yet I don't want to jump into the ocean. And it turned out handy because of covid and trump at the time.

What is post poly world or variations of the above for you all like?

Hey Starlight,

So I read what you wrote in an interesting way. This is how I interpreted your words:

Poly offered an endless sea of hope and possibility where you could set sail and be the one person sailing the globe free to dock where you pleased. There was natural turbulent waters and large waves which was a rush to go up but hurt to come down. But the ocean was just an ocean which is wide and less predictable and you were happy to sail it.

Then came the storms expectations from the sky. The storms could happen on the ocean of polyamory or the lake of non-poly but they hit you on the ocean. You then felt the ocean turned and betrayed what you loved the most even though it was the external storm actually caused you to nearly drown and destroy your boat.

So now traumatized by the storms experienced at sea, you sail on lakes where you can see the shore at all times and can easily react to the external storms but part of you longs for the days to set sail on the ocean again...you can just can't take that risk.

In the way it reads to me the sailing the ocean is more internal...how you feel...the storms are the external...losing your kids and seeing how the world reacted...and sailing the lake is the compromise to avoid the storm to operate other important parts of your life?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi starlight,

Do you regret going back from poly? It sounds like poly had some benefits for you, and like maybe you left poly because you didn't want to lose your kids. Not a bad reason to leave poly, but maybe it's left you with some feelings of regret. Or maybe not?

I haven't gone back from being poly, so I don't know what that feels like. I do have a closed poly relationship, I only date one person (who dates two people), so maybe that isn't as rollercoasterish which in turn makes the poly a little easier for me to do.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[starlight1]

Hey Starlight,

So I read what you wrote in an interesting way. This is how I interpreted your words:

Poly offered an endless sea of hope and possibility where you could set sail and be the one person sailing the globe free to dock where you pleased. There was natural turbulent waters and large waves which was a rush to go up but hurt to come down. But the ocean was just an ocean which is wide and less predictable and you were happy to sail it.

Then came the storms expectations from the sky. The storms could happen on the ocean of polyamory or the lake of non-poly but they hit you on the ocean. You then felt the ocean turned and betrayed what you loved the most even though it was the external storm actually caused you to nearly drown and destroy your boat.

So now traumatized by the storms experienced at sea, you sail on lakes where you can see the shore at all times and can easily react to the external storms but part of you longs for the days to set sail on the ocean again...you can just can't take that risk.

In the way it reads to me the sailing the ocean is more internal...how you feel...the storms are the external...losing your kids and seeing how the world reacted...and sailing the lake is the compromise to avoid the storm to operate other important parts of your life?

This is such a thoughtful and great way to summerize what I was trying to say. Yes I'd say this is a near perfect translantion of what I was trying to come across as. Thank you so much!

It's definitely a compromise at the cost of feeling like I lost a fubdamental piece of myself (and in the end wasn't able to be around kids full time anyway.) So i am not sure what I have gained from swapping out of the beauty of the ocean for the safety of the lake. Certainly storms will happen on both, and aren't polyamory's fault as such. Mostly people's perceived ideas on poly. It's hard to be a trailblazer on a new way of being. I imagine iy was like my experience for lgbtq people in the 60's. You really had to fight for your rights.

 

[starlight1]

Hi starlight,

Do you regret going back from poly? It sounds like poly had some benefits for you, and like maybe you left poly because you didn't want to lose your kids. Not a bad reason to leave poly, but maybe it's left you with some feelings of regret. Or maybe not?

I haven't gone back from being poly, so I don't know what that feels like. I do have a closed poly relationship, I only date one person (who dates two people), so maybe that isn't as rollercoasterish which in turn makes the poly a little easier for me to do.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

Yes, I think there is some regret. Maybe regret I chose the wrong types of partners for me. Maybe that I was fundamentally at odds with what I needed (solo poly and anrachry) and what my family needed of me (stability, one partner, husband etc.). But i wouldn't trade any of my experiences even if I could go back and get my kids because I was deeply proud of being poly. Not so much now, my life is too quiet now. It lacks the friends I had who really ubderstood me. It wasn't so much the access to sex and lots of relatio ships as it was the community. As you might ubderstand and miss, maybe, iy was a kon to feeling with others like mormons without all the guilt. I felt I belonged with my group in the UK. I loved the conversations, the parties, the nights out, the extended help and understanding from my peers. I just loved being around these wonderful people and I miss that a lot even if, for me, it didn'tgel with kids because of the constant threat of "them" and "big brother" over my hesd which was not at all exaggerated. If i had more power and say in my world. More money? Maybe things would have gone a different way.

 

[starlight1]

I like your writing style, very visual. I'm a visual thinker.
I have no real poly experience yet. maybe someday but you mentioned "sinful" well I'm in a Christian marriage and my wife wants nothing to do with poly, degrades the idea, I think id get the same response if I came our as "gay"

looking forward to others responses to your post. getting my popcorn lol.....

Thanks a lot 3908,
Lol I am not sure what popcorn is to be had.

I hope others who hung up the polyamory hat also chime in!

Good luck with your wife some day understanding your point of view. As for me I left off my conversations about poly with my ex husband when he said he'd rather cheat than talk about poly. Lol. Hopefully you have more success than I.

 

[3908]

Thanks a lot 3908,
Lol I am not sure what popcorn is to be had.

I hope others who hung up the polyamory hat also chime in!

Good luck with your wife some day understanding your point of view. As for me I left off my conversations about poly with my ex husband when he said he'd rather cheat than talk about poly. Lol. Hopefully you have more success than I.

popcorn is a reference I see on YouTube sometimes, people get the popcorn to enjoy while reading the comments on certain videos that will bring interesting comments. one meme about the popcorn is a clip of Michael Jackson in a theater eating from a popcorn bowl with words overlaid like "i came for the comments" or something like that
heres a meme example

https://fox5sandiego.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/15/2014/11/michael-jackson-meme.png

I'm actually making some progress with my wife, she's totally against poly, but......she says as a compromise I can be friends with one of her close woman friends that I've known for several years. my wife is ok with me hanging out with this friend alone. we have already had a few hangouts, which feel more like dates, we have 12 step recovery in common, and she has alot of things in her life similar to my wife, so she's really comfortable to be around. probably going to change my tagline to reflect. she's familiar with my interest in poly, and understands the positioning of secondary/meta, as she's married as well.

my wife says poly is all about sex, and for me its not. my wife says, it will be. lol, perhaps someday but I'm content right now because I never thought she would even agree to what she has with her friend and I.

I look forward to spending time with this woman, as she does with me.

hopefully you can get back into poly someday

 

[Inaniel]

Good luck with your wife some day understanding your point of view. As for me I left off my conversations about poly with my ex husband when he said he'd rather cheat than talk about poly.

It is funny you say that. This is something that I ponder often. How society largely accepts cheating as normal human behavior. People will say they are disgusted by it, I don't think it's true. I think people are entertained by it... Look no further than the depiction of infidelities in all forms of entertainment and even politics. People by and large don't actually care about infidelity. Ethical non-monogamy on the other hand; well that's just "weird"...

I hypothesize that if an experiment were conducted that involved two men finding dates, one openly poly and the other openly cheating. The cheating man would hands down find more dates, in the face of everything we are lead to believe about mono ethics and how "disgusting" men who cheat are...

Have you ever shared your custody battle on this website before? If so I would be interested in reading it.

 

[Melxx101]

Wow. I really love your writing. How you said that the polyamorous lifestyle is like an ocean.(especially when you are single) From someone like myself who is still discovering if they are polyamorous and if polyamory is a lifestyle for me or not, I can most definitely relate to you.

I know that you said that you can never see yourself monogamous again, but do you think that maybe you feel that way because you have yet to come across the right person for you to have a monogamous relationship with or just an actual relationship altogether? Are you just having sex with people or are you actually getting to know people while having sex with them?

 

[Marcus]

How society largely accepts cheating as normal human behavior. People will say they are disgusted by it, I don't think it's true. I think people are entertained by it... Look no further than the depiction of infidelities in all forms of entertainment and even politics. People by and large don't actually care about infidelity. Ethical non-monogamy on the other hand; well that's just "weird"...

I hypothesize that if an experiment were conducted that involved two men finding dates, one openly poly and the other openly cheating. The cheating man would hands down find more dates, in the face of everything we are lead to believe about mono ethics and how "disgusting" men who cheat are...

I think it's that cheating is a normal part of how people traditionally expect the world to function. It's true that they consider cheating "wrong", and will clutch their pearls when someone gets caught doing it, but they aren't surprised or confused by it. They understand that it is a normal thing that people do, the response is supposed to be mild outrage, and then they tape it to that persons reputation for a while until it's been long enough that it is no longer acceptable to keep hounding them about it.

Non-monogamy, however, is not traditional or a part of normal society. It isn't so much that they think we're doing something bad, as they acknowledge that it is weird (as you said), and they treat it as a sickness or insanity.

I have had more than one experience where I was talking to someone who knew I was romantically involved with someone else, and they were flirting with me openly. Then when I told them "yes, I am with someone else, but we aren't monogamous and they don't care who I date", it was immediately dropped and they stopped talking to me. People want normal more than they want to be healthy or sane, by a huge margin.

 

[icesong]

Non-monogamy, however, is not traditional or a part of normal society. It isn't so much that they think we're doing something bad, as they acknowledge that it is weird (as you said), and they treat it as a sickness or insanity.

If you're willing to break one rule of society, what else are you willing to break? I think that's the attitude anyway; I don't agree of course. Well, except it lines up with the number of people I know who have rejected fundamentalist religion and once they hit atheist, started pondering the societal requirements of monogamy and found them... ridiculous...

 

[starlight1]

It is funny you say that. This is something that I ponder often. How society largely accepts cheating as normal human behavior. People will say they are disgusted by it, I don't think it's true. I think people are entertained by it... Look no further than the depiction of infidelities in all forms of entertainment and even politics. People by and large don't actually care about infidelity. Ethical non-monogamy on the other hand; well that's just "weird"...

I hypothesize that if an experiment were conducted that involved two men finding dates, one openly poly and the other openly cheating. The cheating man would hands down find more dates, in the face of everything we are lead to believe about mono ethics and how "disgusting" men who cheat are...

Have you ever shared your custody battle on this website before? If so I would be interested in reading it.

I did it's in my username tag. Theres two blogs ranging from aprox 2011/12 to present day.

 

[starlight1]

Wow. I really love your writing. How you said that the polyamorous lifestyle is like an ocean.(especially when you are single) From someone like myself who is still discovering if they are polyamorous and if polyamory is a lifestyle for me or not, I can most definitely relate to you.

I know that you said that you can never see yourself monogamous again, but do you think that maybe you feel that way because you have yet to come across the right person for you to have a monogamous relationship with or just an actual relationship altogether? Are you just having sex with people or are you actually getting to know people while having sex with them?

I am not currently looking for any relationships, and i guess I consider myself somewhere between poly and mono.

As for when I was searching. At the ime O was looking for relationships sexual or non sexual. I just didnt really expect how many would be interested. Some i went on dates for sex. But the serious ones were definitely with the intention of long twrm partners albiet non-entangled living partners. (Exception of Rocky in my blog who I had wanted at one time more entanglement). You can read more about it in my tag below. Its long and winding and i was quite niaeve. But that is how we all go into new things lol.