Primary partners showing affection in front of me

[Lovelylife4me]

Is it normal to feel difficulty to cope with when I see my girl showing affection to her husband in front of me in public (at school event)? Our kids are close friends. My girl and I have never showed affection in front of her husband nor her husband showing affection with his girl in front of his wife and/or me. If we don't do that to each other, why is it ok for primary partners to do that? I feel like it's a bit disrespectful??? Or am I wrong for feeling this?? I need to really process this and see if this is normal or not and find a way to cope with it. Thanks!!!!

 

[Willough]

It's not wrong for you to feel uncomfortable. It's not wrong for them to show affection either. There is no pre-existing set of standards. Have a talk with your partner and see if you can work out expectations of behavior when you're all together that you can all agree to.

 

[Magdlyn]

Double standards for "primaries" are not cool. Talk it over. And everyone work on the jealousy issues!

 

[vinsanity0]

Yeah, the only thing that shouldn't be "normal" is a double standard. Were you told not to show affection in front of him?

It shouldn't be that big of a deal in my mind. Public events, like a school event, might be a different story if you guys aren't out. I've never had a rule like that. I would be uncomfortable if a partner felt they couldn't show affection to one of their partners in front of me.

 

[anamikanon]

Is it normal to feel difficulty to cope with when I see my girl showing affection to her husband in front of me in public (at school event)? Our kids are close friends. My girl and I have never showed affection in front of her husband nor her husband showing affection with his girl in front of his wife and/or me. If we don't do that to each other, why is it ok for primary partners to do that? I feel like it's a bit disrespectful??? Or am I wrong for feeling this?? I need to really process this and see if this is normal or not and find a way to cope with it. Thanks!!!!

It is possible that if you aren't public with your relationships, primary partners are the only ones *able* to show affection publicly. I suppose it is also about what behavior comes naturally to you. Shows of affection or keeping them private.

If it is causing jealousy, you should have the talk and figure things out. Perhaps it may be fine for you to show affection too. Perhaps it may not be, but they didn't realize how seeing them be affectionate where you can't hurt you, etc. Perhaps you could have an understanding on affection that puts everyone on the same page.

 

[Amac]

Talk it out and get everybody's expectations settled.
My primary is my wife, so we show affection in public. We're not making out or anything, but we hold hands and kiss now and then.
My secondary and I don't show affection in front of our kids, but do sometimes when out in public without them. It depends on the situation - the 3 of us go out often enough that we've had time to feel each other out. We sneak a hand hold or a kiss here and there because it's a tad taboo, but that adds to the excitement.
Talk it out.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lovelylife,

If you and your girl are in the closet about poly, there's a certain kind of sense to only the primaries showing PDAs. On the other hand, it does matter that it is hurting your feelings. And maybe you could all refrain from PDAs. You'll have to talk it over with your girl and her husband. I hope you can all work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

If you're not out, PDAs would also be out, I'd guess. But in private, can you kiss and cuddle your gf in front of her husband? Nothing overtly sexual, but just affectionate?

If you haven't even negotiated that, I'd say it's time for a talk.

If you wish you could show affection even at a school event or other public scene, do you ever wish you had another SO you could do it with, with no adverse social consequences? You could search your heart and see if your envy is telling you this is what you really want...