Privacy in a relationship

abcrazy

New member
Well for context. We take our anniversary off every year and spend the day together. This year is the first time she's had a partner on the date so we talked agreed to not contact partners for the day. So I told the woman I've been talking to "hey my anniversary is tommorow I'll talk to you the next day. Please let us be unless it's an emergency " but she feels like that's asking to much. Or when we go on a date and the second we come in the door. Like I didn't know a date was over because we come inside our house. So probably just a me problem. Sorry for wasting yalls time.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
We take our anniversary off every year and spend the day together. This year is the first time she's had a partner on the date so we talked agreed to not contact partners for the day. So I told the woman I've been talking to "hey my anniversary is tommorow I'll talk to you the next day. Please let us be unless it's an emergency " but she feels like that's asking to much.

Who is "she?" That your wife thinks it is too much to ask her other partner not to contact on anniversary unless emergency? Or your GF thinks it is too much?

I don't think it's too much. It's just one day. And presumably there's an anniversary day to share with the other partner eventually so the same would be expected when shoe is on the other foot, right?

Or when we go on a date and the second we come in the door. Like I didn't know a date was over because we come inside our house.

When is the date over to you? What would you prefer wife do?

So probably just a me problem. Sorry for wasting yalls time.

I don't think it's just a you problem.

Some long term couples start to take each other for granted and do some impolite things they wouldn't do to newer partners.

Talk to your spouse about these things if she's behaving in ways that bother you.

Galagirl
 

abcrazy

New member
Who is "she?" That your wife thinks it is too much to ask her other partner not to contact on anniversary unless emergency? Or your GF thinks it is too much?

I don't think it's too much. It's just one day. And presumably there's an anniversary day to share with the other partner eventually so the same would be expected when shoe is on the other foot, right?



When is the date over to you? What would you prefer wife do?



I don't think it's just a you problem.

Some long term couples start to take each other for granted and do some impolite things they wouldn't do to newer partners.

Talk to your spouse about these things if she's behaving in ways that bother you.

Galagirl
Wife thinks it's too much to ask.
I think similarly about their anniversary I don't intend on interrupting what I consider their day. I know that's a ways out as they've only been dating a few months but I don't get a text when they get back from dinner and are staying at a hotel so I think it's just jealousy rearing it's ugly head again. Time for more self reflection figure out why I can't be happy sharing all the time. I have to stop thinking the time we have already put in is worth more than the time she's spent with her new partner. How do I get past that. Rhetorical question I know I have to figure that out for my self.
 

abcrazy

New member
Who is "she?" That your wife thinks it is too much to ask her other partner not to contact on anniversary unless emergency? Or your GF thinks it is too much?

I don't think it's too much. It's just one day. And presumably there's an anniversary day to share with the other partner eventually so the same would be expected when shoe is on the other foot, right?



When is the date over to you? What would you prefer wife do?



I don't think it's just a you problem.

Some long term couples start to take each other for granted and do some impolite things they wouldn't do to newer partners.

Talk to your spouse about these things if she's behaving in ways that bother you.
I don't know when the dates over but I had planned it as we come home get comfy cozy up and have an intimate time.
 

abcrazy

New member
We agreed to one us datenight a month and I didn't communicate that I thought date night meant all night which is my fault. So to answer your question probably not. I am not good at this at all. And looking at myself in the metaphorical mirror I'm surprised we've lasted this long. My fear of hurting her shuts down my ability to communicate my needs affectively which starts more problems and leaves the things that hurt us unaddressed. Thanks for the the sounding board. You seem to be a damn good person always helping everyone. With sound logic and straight forward questions. You are my current hero.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad it helps you some.

My fear of hurting her shuts down my ability to communicate my needs affectively which starts more problems and leaves the things that hurt us unaddressed.

But then aren't you hurting YOURSELF? Because your things are not communicating? Why is it ok to for you to hurt you? Espl when you see it starts more problems?

Is she not a safe person to talk to? (ex: flies off the handle)

Is it more that you aren't comfortable taking up the space you do in the world?

Galagirl
 

abcrazy

New member
Ues I do hurt my self that way but I would rather me hurt than her hurt..
More likely the second i feel like I don't have a right to ask the world to fit me in. I've done horrible things and have ptsd from doing them.

She tends to get cold and distant not loud and abusive. We both were very loud when angry when we were still kids which almost cost me her back then and so I learned to control my anger instead of letting it fly and she only ever went off if I was so there hasn't been a loud screaming argument in over 10 years. Yes we fight but keep it under control. And part of that for me is stopping my self from saying things I haven't thought through. So fights happen in my head two or three days before I open my mouth about being hurt by something because when I don't I say things badly and push her away.
I really feel like a kindergarten trying to learn calculus with the way allnthis has been going always trying to catch up but never near the same level of knowledge as those around me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Ues I do hurt my self that way but I would rather me hurt than her hurt..

I don't know what to tell you. As long as you behave like that? Doesn't that kinda make you like a doormat putting up with all sorts of stuff and not saying anything?

If you are experiencing poly hell things here? You aren't going to ask her about making any changes to her behaviors because.... why?

You don't think you matter? You think your lot in life is to suffer?

You "push her away" if you speak honestly? I thought it was her choosing to go cold and distant. Like silent treatment?

This dynamic seems... sad. :(

Galagirl
 

abcrazy

New member
I don't know what to tell you. As long as you behave like that? Doesn't that kinda make you like a doormat putting up with all sorts of stuff and not saying anything?

If you are experiencing poly hell things here? You aren't going to ask her about making any changes to her behaviors because.... why?

You don't think you matter? You think your lot in life is to suffer?

You "push her away" if you speak honestly? I thought it was her choosing to go cold and distant. Like silent treatment?

This dynamic seems... sad. :(

Galagirl
It is sad in the moment but there are great times more than there are bad yes I treat myself as a doormat sometimes maybe all the time don't have an honest answer to why other than part of me does believe I deserve to suffer.
She does go cold and silent because I push her there because I know telling how I feel about these things hurts her. It never feels good to be told you are hurting me. So to me I hurt her by saying please don't do what you want to do because me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
yes I treat myself as a doormat sometimes maybe all the time don't have an honest answer to why other than part of me does believe I deserve to suffer.

I don't know what great times you are having being a doormat. It doesn't sound like a nice way of treating you that's fun or great.

I think you might benefit from a counselor if you are able.

You might also consider a general check up with your doc for depression.

She does go cold and silent because I push her there. because I know telling how I feel about these things hurts her. It never feels good to be told "you are hurting me." So to me? I hurt her by saying "please don't do what you want to do because me."

I think if you punch me in the nose? It is ok for me to tell you "Please don't punch me in the nose. It hurts me. Stop."

If hearing that feedback hurts your feelings?
  • You can stop punching people in the nose so they don't have to tell you to cut it out.
  • And then you don't have feel hurt hearing them say they don't like you doing that. Problem solved!

If you want to keep on nose punching?

Well, it still can't be MY nose. Too bad. I can use my legs and walk away out of your range. And you can go find other people who love being nose punched. It's just not gonna be me. Because I believe I don't have to suffer through things I can do something about.

If you are sticking around even though being here hurts you? That is YOUR behavior choice. Until you change your mind about that choice I guess you can expect more of same.

She's gonna keep doing what she wants.

a) not knowing it bothers you because you won't speak up to make her aware and ask for changes

b) she observes it bothers you without you actually saying anything.
  • you don't speak up about it, so she turns a blind eye. She continues.

C) You get tired of it. You speak up about what bothers you and ask for changes. She feels whatever about it. Bottom line?
  • She agrees. She changes. Things get better for you.
  • She does not agree or doesn't care to change her behavior. You leave. Things get better for you.
  • She does not agree or doesn't care to change her behavior. You keep staying. Things stay sucky until you are too demoralized to do anything. Or you get fed up enough to leave.

If it's all hard to you? I guess you just pick your hard. I'd speak up. If you need healthcare first to get stronger before speaking up? Get health care.

I hope things get better for you one way or another.

Galagirl
 
Top