Privacy in a relationship

abcrazy

New member
So do you all share everything about you partners with the other if they want to know or do you keep everything separate. My wife is running this as a parallel type situation and I would like a more kitchen table type thing is there a way to bridge that kind of thing or I guess I'm asking for advice on how to approach asking about the other who I actually do appreciate for making her feel some happiness in the middle of all this and I understand her partner is her partner but for me it's like this person is involved in our relationship and there is no way around that and to her and her love this is 2 separate things that don't affect each other except it does because when we have plans or I want to be spontaneous I have to ask if she is available and if I can enjoy some of her time. But even when its just us they are texting which isn't a problem unless I'm trying to be close with her and in the middle of anything if the phone buzzes she off like a flash. So second question here how do I negotiate usbonly for certain times without coming across as you can't communicate with them around me because that's not what I want either I just want us time to be us time sometimes. You know.
Like when we go for our anniversary trip that I have planned, or when we are laying there in the quiet and I'm holding her and she rolls away to see the next message can it not wait or am I being to much seriously. I'm new to this and am trying to learn and catch up . All my experience with this has been spread out in small little bits over the last decade and a half and I have no idea what I'm doing. Please help me be better at this.
 

Evie

Well-known member
1. She should learn to leave her phone alone during your date time, be it an anniversary or simply a Netflix and chill night. You definitely need to have a chat about this.

2. There is no way in hell I would share minute and frequent details of my relationships with the other partner. That's an invasion of privacy.
 

Dagferi

Active member
I do not share personal details of my relationship with my other partner. I respect their privacy.

I find looking at a phone while spending time with someone else incredibly rude and inconsiderate.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
My nesting partner and I have been together just about 12 years. We have no issues with jealousy. We've worked out these logistics about
1) Texting another partner when in a room with the nesting partner.
2) Sharing details about the other partner(s) with each other.

1) I have a couple of guys I am not seeing because of the pandemic, whom I used to date. One in particular, I text with regularly. Usually I talk to him during the day or evening when my partner is at her bf's house, or when she is busy working. However, sometimes I'll chat with him just a bit when my nesting partner, Pixi, and I are watching TV in the evening. I try not to though, because I enjoy her company and her cuddles very much.

Pixi has one other nesting partner. She lives with him half time. She does chat with him on and off throughout the day and evening when she's at hour house, but like me, she enjoys our couple time when she IS here, so she keeps the evening chat to a minimum, unless her bf is having a crisis or something.

2) We don't usually share intimate details about our other partners with each other. I have had bfs who were fine with my sharing sex details with Pixi. I asked them first if it was OK to do so. Pixi usually doesn't share any details about her kink/sex with her bf unless I ask. I know there are certain kink activities she does with her bf that we don't do. So from time to time I check in with her: "Hey, have you and bf done X lately?" I just get curious, because I want her to be happy, and I want to know if she's getting that certain satisfaction.

However, she does often tell me her bf's day to day stuff, things about his job, or his family, or around the house stuff, cooking, decorating, gardening, etc. She tells him certain things about me too, my job, my various activities... And when I was dating regularly, I did share those kinds of things about my other partners with Pixi too.

It might be different because Pixi and I are both women, so we "girl talk" all the time. We're on the same wavelength that way.(I love that about being bisexual!)
 

homenindy

New member
It is a matter of finding balance. We share plans and such, but not anything that is very personal or intimate. It took us a while to get to a level of comfort with that.
Similar with when to text/not to text. Respect is the key there.
I think everyone has to find the balance in their relationships that work for all involved :)
 

icesong

Active member
I've gotten a little bit, maybe a lot, more parallel since I started down this path. Back when it was Knight and I in a quad with HipsterBoy and PinkGirl, we shared WAAAAAY too much to the detriment of all 4 relationships - if there was an argument or a weird conversation I'd show texts, I'd talk about the sex I was having with Hipster and how I felt about it with Knight and he would tell me the same about Pink, it was just a LOT of being in each other's business.

We've definitely backed away from that - I will share things about Knight and Artist to the other on the level of what I might tell one close friend about another, or sometimes I will talk about *my* part of a relationship problem or the like. Or if I start a new relationship I'll tell both of them about it in much the same way I might tell another very close friend, maybe with a little bit more detail but that's just because of the level of trust I have for them - in short, very much the way @Magdlyn describes her level of sharing with Pixi, though duplicated to both of my serious partners.

Knight likes hearing sexual details sometimes but I share them less and less - if I was having casual sex, I probably would (assuming my partner's permission, and yes I've asked before) but when sex is a huge part of a larger, deeper emotional relationship it feels... much less appropriate.

As for texting... yeah, it's reasonable to ask for time where she's focused on you, though that may be easier said than done to get if she's in the throes of New Relationship Energy. Still, she can't know it bothers you that she does text as much as she does if you don't tell her...
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I cannot read without breaks. I am taking the liberty of putting some in. Then I will try to respond.

1) So do you all share everything about you partners with the other if they want to know or do you keep everything separate?

My wife is running this as a parallel type situation and I would like a more kitchen table type thing. Is there a way to bridge that kind of thing?

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to approach asking about the other. (Who I actually do appreciate for making wife feel some happiness in the middle of all this.) I understand wife's partner is her partner but for me it's like this person is involved in our relationship and there is no way around that. To my wife and her GF, this is 2 separate things that don't affect each other.

Except it does because when we have plans or I want to be spontaneous, I have to ask if she is available and if I can enjoy some of her time.
But even when its just us they are texting. Which isn't a problem unless I'm trying to be close with her and in the middle of anything if the phone buzzes she off like a flash.

2) So second question here. How do I negotiate "us only" for certain times without coming across as "you can't communicate with them around me"?

Because that's not what I want either. I just want us time to be us time sometimes. You know.

Like when we go for our anniversary trip that I have planned, or when we are laying there in the quiet and I'm holding her and she rolls away to see the next message. Can it not wait or am I being to much serious?

I'm new to this and am trying to learn and catch up . All my experience with this has been spread out in small little bits over the last decade and a half and I have no idea what I'm doing. Please help me be better at this.


-------

The main problem sounds like phone obsession. But I'll go in order.

1) There are some things, whether "separate V" or "KTP" that I think HAVE to be known.
  • What model is this we practice together?
  • Safer sex practices/labs.
  • Calendar.
  • Any agreements you have with other partners that might affect me.
  • Emergency contact info, if partner wants me to contact other partners in the event of an emergency.
If you want KTP and wife prefers separate V? You either accept that or tell wife "No, I don't want to poly like that."

2) The phone intrusion.

You could tell wife "Wife, I'm happy for you to talk to your GF when I'm around during regular times, but could there please also be some times when you put the phone down and it is just us? Like if we're cuddling or sharing sex? A little more of the "separate V" thing at those times?"

Speak your truth.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi abcrazy,

Well first of all, sharing info about one partner with another partner isn't an all-or-nothing proposition. It's not like your only choices are, either, share *everything,* or, share *nothing.* There's a compromise where you can share some things, but not others. At one end of the spectrum you have only sharing the names of other partners. At the other end you have sharing details of sex with other partners. I find both of those options extreme, I am more inclined to recommend something in the middle; perhaps, sharing how a relationship is going in general, and of course, sharing safe-sex info, schedules, and emergency contact info, things of that nature. Another thing in the middle is meeting one's metamour/s face-to-face. Now, how to get your wife to do that much sharing, that is a mystery. I think she is going to do what she wants, and you'll have to decide if you can go along with it.

As for texting her other partner during special times with you, that is totally out of the question. When she is with you and it's a special time for just you two, she needs to turn her phone off or put her phone away, and be *present* with you. Again there's no way you can force her to do that, but you can tell her that that's what you'd like her to do, and if she refuses, then you'll have to decide if you can live with that. In a way it's a little thing, but little irritations can add up over time and become major headaches. I would really struggle with it if my partner did that to me.

One way or another, you'll have to talk to your wife about these things.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

TXretired

Member
In our case, I am willing to share with my partners anything they ask. On the flip side, they each respect the other and are willing to give privacy. It is a good combination. While my wife functions more in the swinging arena, I respect her time and activities.

we make every effort to not text during specific times. Put the phone on vibrate, etc.
 

boi

New member
Hello hello. I'm very interested in this question of privacy. Specifically, in deepening the question of balance in asking and sharing information about all that happens outside the relationship. The whole range: from fantasies, cruising dating app, casual sex, developing feelings for someone new, sensations during sex with other people, practiced kinks, dirty words, nicknames.
1. is there a dominant polyamorous current that tends to protect privacy?
2. is it toxic to wanting to know as many details as possible in order to tame jealousy with knowledge?

thank you <3
 

TXretired

Member
Jealousy is not tamed by having details. It feeds jealousy and demonstrates lack of trust and your insecurities.
 

boi

New member
Right. Thanks. How to do the work of trust though if the partner is anxious and confused about what they want?
 

TXretired

Member
Talk. Communication of goals. Honesty. Be open in your discussion. This is not for everyone and that’s ok.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Might want to start your own thread topic on this.

1. is there a dominant polyamorous current that tends to protect privacy?

I don't know what you mean by "dominant polyamorous current." Could you please be willing to clarify?

2. is it toxic to wanting to know as many details as possible in order to tame jealousy with knowledge?


If jealousy is being afraid that you have something that someone else will take away... well, what is the "something" you fear will be lost?
How can you calm your fearfulness? Maybe

http://practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

helps you articulate what this "something" is.

If the main issue is anxiety, and wanting to know everything so you aren't caught by surprise by anything? You can't know everything, and some people's private info is between just them. You have to find other ways to manage anxiety that are ways YOU can do yourself.

How to do the work of trust though if the partner is anxious and confused about what they want?

I don't understand this sentence as written. Are YOU the anxious one? Or is your partner the anxious one? What are they anxious about?

Galagirl
 

Marcus

Active member
So second question here how do I negotiate us only for certain times without coming across as you can't communicate with them around me because that's not what I want either I just want us time to be us time sometimes. You know.

That's tricky ground, asking someone to put away their phone so that we can have "just us time". I would need to put some serious thought into it before I could bring myself to correct someone's behavior, asking them to stop doing the thing that they want to be doing.

What are the qualifications for "just us time"? What does it look like when this mode is engaged? Can the TV be on? Can their be music playing in the background? Do all distractions need to be removed and we need to just sit and stare deeply at each other for exactly 92 minutes?​
Do these requirements apply to everything? Is it the fact that they are looking at their phone and it would be equally as annoying if they were skimming through a hobby website where they discuss craft stuff? Or is it generally related to their talking to someone they want to rub their junk on?​

Reducing the concept to its most basic parts would help me to understand what is motivating the the need to ask someone to change their behavior. It would help me to figure out if I'm just being insecure and am asking someone to adjust their behavior to coddle me? If I'm going to make a request like that of someone, I would want to know that I've given it thorough and sober consideration.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
That's tricky ground, asking someone to put away their phone so that we can have "just us time". I would need to put some serious thought into it before I could bring myself to correct someone's behavior, asking them to stop doing the thing that they want to be doing.
That's not only tricky, that's overlooking a serious "tell" about someone's priorities. We all have enough experience with our sacred mobile devices to know what is rude and what is not regarding their use. Perhaps high school students need to be reminded about this during class, but any adult should not need this kind of correcting. Asking someone to put down the alluring texts from another partner in order to prioritize "us time" not only infantilizes the entire relationship, it ignores a basic red flag that the requesting partner is simply not prioritized. Good grief, if I have to ask someone to put down his/her phone and focus on "us time," then the relationship is already in crap territory.
 

Marcus

Active member
Good grief, if I have to ask someone to put down his/her phone and focus on "us time," then the relationship is already in crap territory.

The whole question is a little strange to me, from either side of the argument.

If someone is on their phone instead of talking to me, or putting together a puzzle, or doing their work, means that what they really want to be doing is playing on their phone. If my partner would rather be messing around on their phone than staring deeply into my eyes, I hope that they will take care of themselves and go play on their phone. I'm not their jailor, I don't want them to stop living their lives because it's what "the relationship" needs.
 

Evie

Well-known member
If I'm deliberately spending just an evening with someone, my phone will be away. It's date time.
If I'm spending 2-3 days with someone, my phone is going to come out now and then to check on other people/message boards/play a game.
 

Inaniel

Member
Good grief, if I have to ask someone to put down his/her phone and focus on "us time," then the relationship is already in crap territory.

Sometimes people are just excited about the new and shiny thing in there life. It does not automatically make the relationship “crap”.

And if someone is too consumed with the new “thing” in there life, whether it’s a new car, video game, boyfriend, whatever. You can say “hey, I find your behavior annoying and unattractive”.

At least give your partner the respect to know how you feel. Moving forward if it’s still a problem you are both conscious of it and at that point can choose not to tolerate it and leave the “crap” relationship...
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Sometimes people are just excited about the new and shiny thing in there life. It does not automatically make the relationship “crap”.
I didn't say that new excitement makes a relationship crap. I said that if I have to ask someone to put down his/her phone to focus on "us time," then the relationship is already in crap territory. By the time I feel compelled to ask, which is probably more like remind, there's a lot more going on between me and my partner than a simple request can fix.
 
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