Problem behavior in an open relationship

littlewing

littlewing

New member
Hi everyone! I'm new to the forum and need some advice about an open relationship. Right now my partner is taking advantage of the openness and I am not. That is my choice right now as I don't find people I'm interested in very often, but it creates an imbalance.

He is hosting a woman from Portland for the weekend. He casually mentioned to someone else in front of me that a friend was staying for the long weekend. Later I asked questions and he very casually and callously explained that it was a woman and yes, they would be intimate. There must be a better way to handle situations like this. He needs a class or something.

The only real explanation is that he enjoys getting the reaction. He's beens showing signs of jealousy/possessiveness himself lately. He asked if I was having sex with anyone else which he's never done. He accidentally said I love you during sex and when he was complimenting my physically he said "I also have very strong feelings for you". This all sounds normal, but NOT for him. He also said repeatedly that "the $%^&* is all for me, only for me". So he clearly wants to do whatever he wants, but still states his preference for me to be exclusive to him and then misleads me with talk of strong feelings and love.
I need to end it but I can't seem to do it. I've tried several times over the past 14 months.

I wonder if others have gone through similar situations and worked something out. I think if I was having sex with others, I would be less sensitive about his activities. I'm just pretty shy about online dating. I think it could possibly work if I found a primary and he was my secondary. I would be getting fed by someone else, but still enjoying our sexual chemistry on occasion.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

It may not be what you want to hear.

I need to end it but I can't seem to do it. I've tried several times over the past 14 months.
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If you already know what you need, you could do it. When you break up with him, do you cut off all contact? Block email? Block phone, Facebook, anything else?

What behavior happens that sucks you back in?

There must be a better way to handle situations like this. He needs a class or something.
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The only real explanation is that he enjoys getting the reaction.
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He also said repeatedly that "the $%^&* is all for me, only for me". So he clearly wants to do whatever he wants, but still states his preference for me to be exclusive to him and then misleads me with talk of strong feelings and love.
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TBH? Sounds like jerk behavior. He wants a one sided thing, a one penis policy. He wants to do whatever he wants without thinking about how it affects you. If he's deliberately provoking in his behavior to enjoy your reaction for his entertainment? That's cruel sounding. He wants to give you just enough to keep you on the string, but not treat you how you want to be treated.

How is any of this awesome for you? :(

I think those are good reasons for breaking up with him. They are NOT good reasons for dating him him as a secondary. Just full on stop. I think you could focus on figuring out how to break up and stay broken up. Rather than spend energy figuring out how to endure more of same.

I think if I was having sex with others, I would be less sensitive about his activities.
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I don't think becoming numb in your feelings when he behaves like a jerk is the solution. Or using other people sharing sex with you as "padding" somehow to make the "dings" you get from him more bearable.

I think walking away and blocking your phone and stuff is a better way to make you "un-dingable."

You have worth, dignity, and value. You deserve to be treated WELL.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks Galagirl. All very good points that I need to face. It's just not worth the pain anymore.

He doesn't even use the term poly because he doesn't want to be subject to any "rules" or standards of conduct. He just wants a %^&* buddy and no responsibility or consequences. It's difficult when you finally face the truth that you've been callously used for over a year. I'm really struggling. I'm losing a friend as well as a sexual partner, but--he's always been a conditional friend. I have to think logically about what I'm actually losing by cutting things off. What he has to offer is not adequate or desirable in any way. He's good in bed and he's funny but that only goes so far.

I also neglected to mention that I work with him. Not in the same department, but we have to interact several times a week and I always seem to run into him a lot when we're fighting. Another reason it's been hard to cut it off completely.

This is a really bad introduction to non-exclusive relationships, but I know there are conscious, respectful people out there who are poly. I think to ethically be in an open relationship, it forces you to be incredibly open and honest and face your own demons in a very real way. I'm definitely very curious to enter this world, but right now I feel so burned that it's difficult to think about.
 
littlewing said:
This is a really bad introduction to non-exclusive relationships, but I know there are conscious, respectful people out there who are poly. I think to ethically be in an open relationship, it forces you to be incredibly open and honest and face your own demons in a very real way. I'm definitely very curious to enter this world, but right now I feel so burned that it's difficult to think about.
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Yeah. Definitely not a good introduction.

I agree with Galagirl. This relationship is toxic for you. How badly would you be impacted at work if you broke up with him? How might you minimize any negative stuff?

I see that you're in the SF Bay Area. There are scads of good poly groups and resources there. You might consider finding some local support.
 
Yes, there are a lot of resources here. I joined a Meet Up group that gathers once a month. I hope it's a good group of people.

I just have very little luck with the hetero, monogamous construct. I'm hoping this could be a good alternative for me. Maybe that's the gift this a-hole gave me. It opened my mind.

He's not my superior or anything, so there's no risk with breaking it off. It's just awkward and painful. I never know if I should ignore him or try to smile and keep walking. I'm really bad at this sort of thing.
 
It's difficult when you finally face the truth that you've been callously used for over a year. I'm really struggling. I'm losing a friend as well as a sexual partner, but--he's always been a conditional friend. I have to think logically about what I'm actually losing by cutting things off.
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Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.


I also neglected to mention that I work with him. Not in the same department, but we have to interact several times a week and I always seem to run into him a lot when we're fighting. Another reason it's been hard to cut it off completely.
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Thank you for clarifying. Keep it simple. Tell him "I think we are best broken up so you can date as you please. Let's keep our relationship strictly business."

Then block his phone off any of your personal things. Personal phone, personal email, etc. At work? Be "bank teller" or "grocery clerk" polite just like you would be with any of these "familiar stranger" people in your life. Cordial but not best friends.

Since he seems to enjoy provoking you? Be polite but as flat and BORING as possible so he moves on to bug other people who are more "entertaining" when he provokes them.

Galagirl
 
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Great advice. My friend gave similar advice. Act like a robot. I refuse to be his source of narcissistic supply anymore.
 
littlewing said:
He is hosting a woman from Portland for the weekend. He casually mentioned to someone else in front of me that a friend was staying for the long weekend. Later I asked questions and he very casually and callously explained that it was a woman and yes, they would be intimate. There must be a better way to handle situations like this. He needs a class or something.
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Have you spoken about it and agreed on how you'd prefer he advise you of what he's planning to get up to with others? This isn't the sort of conversation that has a "standard script" in current society, so he has nothing to go by otherwise.

littlewing said:
He doesn't even use the term poly because he doesn't want to be subject to any "rules" or standards of conduct. He just wants a %^&* buddy and no responsibility or consequences.
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If what he wants is a fuck buddy why would you expect him to call it poly?
 
We don't have a set agreement on how we discuss these things in advance, but he couldn't have been more insensitive. I know he has more sense than that. The way he "told" me was talking about it in front of me with a coworker. Then I respectfully asked for more details and he continued to be glib and disrespectful with his replies as if he was enjoying the effect it was having on me.

Officially we are nothing more than fuck buddies, but we spend a lot of time outside of the bedroom. He calls me baby and has told me he loves me during sex (it was probably an accident, but still). The mixed messages are enough to drive anyone batty. I know I have my part in letting things get to this point and I'm willing to face that. I'm just really hurting right now.

I don't have the expectation or the preference for him to call himself poly, I just think it's odd that he treats the concept with contempt while taking advantage of some version of the lifestyle.

Now I just have to embrace my inner robot.
 
In re-reading your posts here, it seems to me that perhaps you became more attached to him than he is to you. You call him a partner in the first post and a conditional friend later on. Is it the kind of situation where you both understood the arrangement to be fairly casual at the start, and yet you fell for him and then expected your feelings to make it into more than what it actually is? That is kind of a common thing when people are not on the same page.

Sorry, I know it hurts but I think you may want to adjust your focus more on letting go of any expectations you may have had and strengthening/getting clear on your personal boundaries in relationships, rather than on what he did that you see as so wrong. It's hard when we are feeling hurt not to point fingers, but we grow so much more when we can look at ourselves and our beliefs instead.
 
You're absolutely right--I care for him much more than he cares for me. I will try to just come to terms with that and learn from all of this. I'm just not there yet.
 
Speaking as a male, I'm long past tolerating encouragement of "bad boy" lackwits by people who then expect sympathy because said lackwit turns out to be -- GASP -- a bad boy!!!

I have to share too much of the world with such narcissistic asswipes, & maybe the behaviour would start to fade out if the marketplace would stop romanticizing abuse.

Saying "well, the sex is hot" is running uncomfortably close to justifying the Harlequin Romance rape.

And he calls you "baby" so that he doesn't have to remember your name (or risk getting the wrong one).

Apologies for being a buzzkill or something, but I'm still waiting for clarity as to where the "polyamory" part starts. Right now it looks a lot like "typical young-adult monogamy" with more buzzwords.

In this story, who is it who has experience with multiple intimate relationships, lived openly & with full & clear communication all around?

littlewing, who is in your life -- close friends, for instance -- other than this schmuck, I mean moron, I mean putz? How long has it been since you've had another intimate? What are you doing besides waiting for further neglect & harassment & jerking-around?
 
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Thanks Ravenscroft. I respect your opinion. I hate the idea that I've allowed this kind of behavior to flourish.

The way this ties back to polyamory is that I am actually very interested in the community as I have more of an open mind that I had before. I think i'm just too injured right now to seek after anything in a healthy way. I'm also wondering if I'm too jealous or sensitive to survive in such a world. So I'm seeking more information.

I need to seek out my friends more and also expand my social circle. It's a work in progress. Right now all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die so I'm trying to manage those feelings.
 
Oh, hon, no one is worth crawling into a hole and dying for. I wanted to step out in front of a bus and off myself after my marriage of 12 years ended, but I knew better and after sobbing on my couch for four months, I was dating again and embraced poly, starting a whole new life.

You've had a relationship for 14 months with someone you worked with and let yourself read more into it than it was. Okay, we all make mistakes. Thank goodness you woke up, okay? No need for a pity party and seeing yourself as "too injured." Shake yourself free, dust yourself off, and walk away with your head held high. Don't indulge in feeling sorry for yourself, he's just not worth the space in your head that you'll devote to him. Plenty of fish, and all that. Life is not meant to be wasted!
 
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This sounds quite a lot like a situation I've recently come out of (some more detail here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78166 - it degenerated further after that but obviously I still work with the guy)

Interactions are awkward at present, but really I know it's up to me how they affect me - and the good news is that it's definitely a lot less than it did when we first went our separate ways. The bad news is that I still wouldn't rule out being sucked back in at some point - but I have a good support network around me that hopefully would stop me making that mistake, I would thoroughly recommend that.

Also would recommend doing things that make you proud of yourself - and expanding your social circle as you say. Is there a hobby that you fancy taking up that will allow you to do that? Now would be a good time to get caught up in the excitement of trying something new, it can be a great distraction!

And don't hate yourself for being sucked in - people like this are all over the place and I've seen countless otherwise totally rational, intelligent and desirable people being brought down by similar characters, you're definitely not alone.
 
Hi littlewing,

Sorry your partner's been treating you so badly. Breaking up is hard to do but in this case, I think it's for the best.

Please keep in touch with us as we can hopefully help you get through this difficult time. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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