Problems with a well established poly relationship

[Jennipoly]

Hi everyone

Just some info:

I am in a non non-hierarchical poly relationshop with more than one person, and that was firmly discussed at the beginning, and was even a bonding point.

So, I have been in a poly relationship with a person for over 8 months. For most of that time things were fantastic, there was plenty of energy, open communication sex, and we both knew that we could depend on each other mutually for help and advice. Overall, we bonded ridiculously well.

Incidentally, I am a part of a shared house (4 in total) and they are one of the members.

However, over the past two months or so, things have changed quite a bit. (This coincides with a few issues they have been having recently.)
They are far colder than they used to be. They claim to be constantly tired, but they always talk about having loads energy whenever they are with another partner/friend. We used to have very free and communicative sex, but they are just cold, and even kissing seems to lack any sort of passion.

Also, I feel like our time together always ends up being late at night, where with other people, they arrange to meet up earlier on in the day. So their and my energy levels will be low. Whenever they come in, they randomly talk about their issues randomly and sporadically. They do seek physical comfort, but it seems restricted, stilted and exclusively for comfort, which is so contradictory to what they were like before.

Essentially, I feel like I am being treated as a secondary, which is not what I or they wanted, and I feel I am being treated like an emotional crutch. I don't think they realise it, as they seem to be unaware of what they are doing.

Does anyone else relate and what were your experiences?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jennipoly,

It sounds like the person you're with is experiencing a loss of NRE, it can happen after the relationship is three or six months old. If they don't realize what they're doing that's hurting you, maybe the thing to do is talk to them about it, and bring it to their attention. Hopefully they'll be willing to work with you, and at least agree to some compromises.

That's my thought anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Jennipoly]

Hi Jennipoly,

It sounds like the person you're with is experiencing a loss of NRE, it can happen after the relationship is three or six months old. If they don't realize what they're doing that's hurting you, maybe the thing to do is talk to them about it, and bring it to their attention. Hopefully they'll be willing to work with you, and at least agree to some compromises.

That's my thought anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you for your reply Kevin, it's helpful. Although, I don't think it's NRE, I've been through quite a few relationships, and experienced that, but this isn't the same experience. After NRE, for me it, the intensity mellows out, and changes, in this situation, a lot of the affection just came to a complete stop, more or less.

You're right about communication, I'm a very anxious person, so I try to communicate whenever I have the chance. We used to be able to communicate very well, although, recently, they just seem to become irritable whenever we talk about anything like this.

 

[kdt26417]

Well things are worse than I originally thought if they're not willing to talk about it and they just shut you down when you try. Without communication, the relationship dries up. Is it possible this one has run its course?

 

[Jennipoly]

That could very well be true. Although, I am tempted to keep it going, and see what may become of it, I don't want to stop anything prematurally, it may just be a bad patch.

Although, I also posted to see if other people have had similar experiences, it's always good to get another perspective, and to see how they handled the situation.

 

[kdt26417]

Hopefully there will be more people posting. I can see why you'd want to give things a little bit more of a chance.

 

[Jennipoly]

Exactly, I don't see the point in being too hasty, especially considering how complicated the situation is. Thanks for your thoughtful replies.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem.

 

[Marcus]

It Takes Time

Does anyone else relate and what were your experiences?

It has been my experience that getting to know someone can take quite a while; like a couple of years, easily.

The relationship very often starts out with NRE so we are blissfully blind to one anothers irritating crap for a period of time. Once that wears off and we start to be exposed to who we really are, the association can change.

The context of the association also plays a big part. If I am living with a friend for years, I know one part of them. I can get into a romantic relationship with this same friend and it can go swimmingly or to go completely to pot - because our context changed.

So what I'm saying is, there might not be anything going on here but you two are getting to know each other.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi everyone

Just some info:

I am in a non non-hierarchical poly relationshop with more than one person, and that was firmly discussed at the beginning, and was even a bonding point.

So, I have been in a poly relationship with a person for over 8 months. For most of that time things were fantastic, there was plenty of energy, open communication sex, and we both knew that we could depend on each other mutually for help and advice. Overall, we bonded ridiculously well.

Incidentally, I am a part of a shared house (4 in total) and they are one of the members.

However, over the past two months or so, things have changed quite a bit. (This coincides with a few issues they have been having recently.)

What are those issues?

They are far colder than they used to be. They claim to be constantly tired, but they always talk about having loads energy whenever they are with another partner/friend. We used to have very free and communicative sex, but they are just cold, and even kissing seems to lack any sort of passion.

Also, I feel like our time together always ends up being late at night, where with other people, they arrange to meet up earlier on in the day. So their and my energy levels will be low.

Can you alert them to this and request dates/sex earlier in the day? Tell them you feel they are giving their best hours to their other partners and you need more quality time.

Whenever they come in, they randomly talk about their issues randomly and sporadically. They do seek physical comfort, but it seems restricted, stilted and exclusively for comfort, which is so contradictory to what they were like before.

Relationship passion can ebb and flow, but if you're not satisfied you need to tell them. Even if they can't give you what you need, they should be informed you feel let down. Perhaps a romantic getaway just the two of you now and then could help them relax and change perspective.

Essentially, I feel like I am being treated as a secondary, which is not what I or they wanted,

Well, even a secondary wouldn't want to be treated this way!!

and I feel I am being treated like an emotional crutch. I don't think they realise it, as they seem to be unaware of what they are doing.

Which is why you should inform them. Communicate, communicate, communicate. If they are having life struggles of course you should be patient and try to help if they want it, but otoh you have needs too. Perhaps you could meet your needs with others until your partner is feeling less stressed?