Professional Black Male finally discovered what I want in a marriage

P

ProfBlkMaleSeekingWife

New member
Hello everyone,

I am an educated black male professional. I have dated a few women in the past couple of years and have been very faithful (and was also once married). However, as years have gone by, I started to have these thoughts of seeing my wife with other men and vice versa. As soon as I approached my previous spouse with these ideas, she freaked out and left.

In the past year I dated a nice lady who used to sleep around before. In fact, she slept with about 5 of my friends before I met her. Last year, one of my friends introduced us and we immediately hit it off. We were both very sexual and did some freaky stuff. Over time we grew closer, and my lady friend told me that she really likes me and wants to be exclusive. I told her that it would be fine with me if she had sexual relations with other men, but she told me she was tired of sleeping around and wants an exclusive relationship.

Unfortunately after a few unsuccessful discussions we went our separate ways. My question to you members is where should I go to meet a partner who is ok with an open marriage? Are there any dating site where you can find like minded people? How did you guys (who are in open marriages/relationships meet and what advice do you have to have a long lasting partnership.

Thanks in advance.
 
Greetings ProfBlkMaleSeekingWife,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in a closed poly-fi V (MFM), and we just got to know each other as platonic friends (through church activities of all things) before anything romantic developed. I've never had much luck with dating, not even when I was a teen.

We have a Dating & Friendships subforum that you can use to post dating ads and look for other people in your vicinity. In addition, I know of a few poly-friendly dating sites:

Another thing that can help is to look for a poly social group in your local area. Here are some links that might help you in searching for one:

You can also google "polyamory" with the name of your State or nearest major city. Sometimes a poly group will pop up in the list of results. If you do find a local group you can just get to know some of the people in it as platonic friends, and maybe something romantic will unfold in due time.

And consider the following:

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
Click to expand...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Those are my recommendations for finding people who might be willing to try a poly/open marriage with you. I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
ProfBlkMaleSeekingWife said:
Hello everyone,

I am an educated black male professional. I have dated a few women in the past couple of years and have been very faithful (and was also once married). However, as years have gone by, I started to have these thoughts of seeing my wife with other men and vice versa. As soon as I approached my previous spouse with these ideas, she freaked out and left.

In the past year I dated a nice lady who used to sleep around before. In fact, she slept with about 5 of my friends before I met her. Last year, one of my friends introduced us and we immediately hit it off. We were both very sexual and did some freaky stuff. Over time we grew closer, and my lady friend told me that she really likes me and wants to be exclusive. I told her that it would be fine with me if she had sexual relations with other men, but she told me she was tired of sleeping around and wants an exclusive relationship.

Unfortunately after a few unsuccessful discussions we went our separate ways. My question to you members is where should I go to meet a partner who is ok with an open marriage? Are there any dating site where you can find like minded people? How did you guys (who are in open marriages/relationships meet and what advice do you have to have a long lasting partnership.

Thanks in advance.
Click to expand...

Hi and Welcome, PBM.

Seeking a wife at this time might be getting a bit ahead of yourself, hm?

Let's try and find you a poly gf and see what happens. Kevin listed some good sites above. I've been on ok cupid for 5+ years, and on Fetlife almost that long. Fetlife is like Facebook for kinky/alternative people. There are BDSM lifestylers there. Are you kinky? You said you and your ex did "freaky" sexual things. Using ok cupid as a dating site, and Fetlife as a networking site, might work for you as it did for me.

However, keep in mind women get hit on and usually find dates more easily than men, because men are more aggressive about asking women out than vice versa. Women are more cautious.

But let me address another thing. You mentioned doing fun freaky sexual things with a promiscuous woman. Polyamory isn't about sex. It's about love, fondness, connection. Sex comes into it, because that is what adults do when in love, usually, but polyamory doesn't just mean sleeping around.

Also, when your ex said she wanted to settle down and just be exclusive for a while, and yet you encouraged her to keep fucking others, she has the right to want to be monogamous on her end. You could continue to pursue others while she stays mono to you. That is her choice. She might've changed her mind after a few months, she might not have, but that is up to her.

On okcupid, be sure and write a friendly interesting, interested profile, take some good photos of yourself, and answer at least 50-100 of the questions there, as well. Answer the ones about being interested in open relationships, especially, that will help like minded people match up with you.

Hope this helps!
 
Thank you so much for the above posters for you VERY useful posts. I do apologize for acknowledging you late as I was traveling. Just got in town and it was great to read your wonderful advice.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi and Welcome, PBM.

Seeking a wife at this time might be getting a bit ahead of yourself, hm?

Let's try and find you a poly gf and see what happens. Kevin listed some good sites above. I've been on ok cupid for 5+ years, and on Fetlife almost that long. Fetlife is like Facebook for kinky/alternative people. There are BDSM lifestylers there. Are you kinky? You said you and your ex did "freaky" sexual things. Using ok cupid as a dating site, and Fetlife as a networking site, might work for you as it did for me.

However, keep in mind women get hit on and usually find dates more easily than men, because men are more aggressive about asking women out than vice versa. Women are more cautious.

But let me address another thing. You mentioned doing fun freaky sexual things with a promiscuous woman. Polyamory isn't about sex. It's about love, fondness, connection. Sex comes into it, because that is what adults do when in love, usually, but polyamory doesn't just mean sleeping around.

Also, when your ex said she wanted to settle down and just be exclusive for a while, and yet you encouraged her to keep fucking others, she has the right to want to be monogamous on her end. You could continue to pursue others while she stays mono to you. That is her choice. She might've changed her mind after a few months, she might not have, but that is up to her.

On okcupid, be sure and write a friendly interesting, interested profile, take some good photos of yourself, and answer at least 50-100 of the questions there, as well. Answer the ones about being interested in open relationships, especially, that will help like minded people match up with you.

Hope this helps!
Click to expand...

Thanks for the constructive response Magdlyn. I have realized that to find like-minded people I need to find the right places to start a profile, and then invest a lot of time and effort. So far I have been trying way too many sites but getting frustrated when I don't get the responses I was hoping for.

The reason I said "looking for a wife" is because that is what I want long term. I am willing to be patient until I find the right person who sees things the same way I do. But I do appreciate your point of view.

Regarding my ex, I do agree that she deserves to have a choice on what she can do. However, I want a partner who is open to sleep with other man while I watch and participate - as long as it's what she also wants.

Once again thanks for your great advice.
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings ProfBlkMaleSeekingWife,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in a closed poly-fi V (MFM), and we just got to know each other as platonic friends (through church activities of all things) before anything romantic developed. I've never had much luck with dating, not even when I was a teen.

We have a Dating & Friendships subforum that you can use to post dating ads and look for other people in your vicinity. In addition, I know of a few poly-friendly dating sites:

Another thing that can help is to look for a poly social group in your local area. Here are some links that might help you in searching for one:

You can also google "polyamory" with the name of your State or nearest major city. Sometimes a poly group will pop up in the list of results. If you do find a local group you can just get to know some of the people in it as platonic friends, and maybe something romantic will unfold in due time.

And consider the following:



Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Those are my recommendations for finding people who might be willing to try a poly/open marriage with you. I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...

Hi kdt26417,

Really appreciate this exhaustive list of resources. You have no idea how useful your information is - I have been looking for someone who can point me in the right direction; and I have found the right path that will take me home lol.

Thanks a lot.
 
You're welcome.


Wanting a woman/gf/wife who is willing to let you watch her or be involved in sexual 3somes with other men, well, that is a specific sexual preference that may take some time to fulfill. It also depends on that "other man." In effect, you are searching for two partners at once, a woman, and a guy, both of whom are comfortable with MFM threesomes.

I guess you expect this hypothetical woman will go out looking for a male unicorn for you to share? Will he be a casual partner who fucks and leaves, or do you want "love" (aka the amory bit) with him as well?
 
Keep us posted on how things go with your searchings! I think with time and patience you can find the right person.
 
ProfBlkMaleSeekingWife said:
I am willing to be patient until I find the right person who sees things the same way I do. But I do appreciate your point of view.

Regarding my ex, I do agree that she deserves to have a choice on what she can do. However, I want a partner who is open to sleep with other man while I watch and participate - as long as it's what she also wants.
Click to expand...

Hello there!

I also think that it's worth noting that your furture partner doesn't *have* to fulfill all of these needs for you. By that I simply mean that if you find a lady friend that you really like and enjoy, who is also open to a polyamorous arrangement, then you still have the option to find fulfillment with some of those kinks in another partner. It may be worth considering that you could go in search of that play partner to share some kinky predilections/fantasies with while you're also looking for something that is based moreso on long term love and affection.

I'm not suggesting that that's how any of this will work out, but it does seem as though you're limiting yourself. There's nothing wrong with exploration and short term engagements, as long as the play is between consenting adults where respect and communication are expected and required. That's just being a nice person and a mature adult, honestly.

It may be that you're perfectly fine going about your search the way that you are, and that you truly prefer to seek an all-in-one engagement, or that you're not interested in opening up your life with multiple entanglements at this time, or you may be thinking that it's not something that you want to go about in a more fragmented way.

At any rate, I think that it might be a beneficial perspective to have. My partner, The Man, and I started out strictly as play partners. That relationship quickly developed into a deeper commitment that's outlasted any of our original expectations. Being open and not too attached to how we get to our desired outcome is important, I think.
 
Greetings PBM

Magdlyn said:
Hi and Welcome, PBM.

Seeking a wife at this time might be getting a bit ahead of yourself, hm?

Let's try and find you a poly gf and see what happens. Kevin listed some good sites above. I've been on ok cupid for 5+ years, and on Fetlife almost that long. Fetlife is like Facebook for kinky/alternative people. There are BDSM lifestylers there. Are you kinky? You said you and your ex did "freaky" sexual things. Using ok cupid as a dating site, and Fetlife as a networking site, might work for you as it did for me.

However, keep in mind women get hit on and usually find dates more easily than men, because men are more aggressive about asking women out than vice versa. Women are more cautious.

But let me address another thing. You mentioned doing fun freaky sexual things with a promiscuous woman. Polyamory isn't about sex. It's about love, fondness, connection. Sex comes into it, because that is what adults do when in love, usually, but polyamory doesn't just mean sleeping around.

Also, when your ex said she wanted to settle down and just be exclusive for a while, and yet you encouraged her to keep fucking others, she has the right to want to be monogamous on her end. You could continue to pursue others while she stays mono to you. That is her choice. She might've changed her mind after a few months, she might not have, but that is up to her.

On okcupid, be sure and write a friendly interesting, interested profile, take some good photos of yourself, and answer at least 50-100 of the questions there, as well. Answer the ones about being interested in open relationships, especially, that will help like minded people match up with you.

Hope this helps!
Click to expand...

Welcome PBM it seems you have received a wealth of information that should be helpful.

I have a follow up comment regarding fetlife as I have been a member for a few years. From a femalesa perspective fetlife can definitely be more like Facebook with fewer benefits. Two observations that I have noticed is that individuals already in relationships have more success than singles and your location is definitely important. And in my case I have found that location is the main obstacle for me.

Considering that I am new to this site as well I will definitely check out the suggestions you have been given as well.

Good luck with your pursuit and journey
 
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