Protocols when seeing othersr

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hjeckyl

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Anyone following a couple other posts I made have seen that I am unpacking the results (we broke up) of my first Poly relationship.

I am now unpacking some of the things that happened that I didn't know how to handle. In particular, since she is Poly she has other longterm relationships. This was clear from the beginning, and after struggling the first time with a little jealousy, I quickly got over it, even felt silly for feeling that way.

I had had a really horrible time at home the day before, she was sympathetic, and offered to have me come over later that night, around 1230 in the afternoon. When I called after work at 600 or so to confirm we were still on for later, she said a friend of hers had called and really needed her, and she was going to meet him at 700, and I am welcome to come over, but she will be much later than she thought, making seeing her difficult.

I actually felt pretty bad about it - like I wasn't a priority - this friend was more a business associate, not someone she had a sexual or non-platonic relationship with (I trust her, she is an honest person about this kind of thing). When I told her I had already made arrangements to see her and I thought we had plans, she said I was making her feel bad - she offered to have me come up and wait for her - so I go up to see her (I should have not, but I really did want to see her) - cutting our time very short. We essentially had what I thought were solid plans for me to come see her, and a few hours later she had agreed to something else.

When she described the crisis her friend was undergoing later, it really seemed like it was something that was not as urgent as it was depicted, it sounded like he was flirting with her some, etc. (Had she described that to me and I did not have plans with her, I would have been fine with it).

My question is -was that OK to change/cancel plans with the person who is essentially your primary to meet someone who is either a business contact, or a potential interest? I made a mistake in not communicating how upset this made me, I backed off when she said I made her feel bad - should I have been upset by this?
 
Did she tell you that you were her primary? What was the emergency?

I prefer to honor commitments in the order made. But if emergencies come up, they come up.

Since you were basically going over there to impromptu hang out? This wasn't a standing date night? She was fitting you in on the fly to begin with? And some kind of emergency came up between her offering to hang out when you spoke at lunch and when you spoke again at 6 PM ish when getting off work?

I think you could have taken a raincheck and just reschedule. Not take it personally.

It's not like it was a standing date or a long time ago arranged appointment. You'd just made it a few hours ago. Like impromptu bonus hanging out if it works out, no sweat if it doesn't.

I think it is normal after a break up to look back on memories and review what went well and what didn't. But don't over think it either. Life is lived moving forward, not backwards. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
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Hjeckyl, the whole setup with you and this poly woman was tenuous at best because of your marital situation. Your wife was never on board with poly and you were never at ease about what you were doing in the first place. Consequently, all of your poly interactions were going to be rocky. Trying to blame your poly partner, or trying to understand her or trying to understand poly protocol isn't going to yield very much for you. What you bring to the poly table is going to influence everything about your poly experience. If you're on shaky ground to begin with, your poly partner, whether it's this woman or someone else, is going to hold you at arm's length. Your poly partner got the message loud and clear, both verbally and via your actions, that your marriage is not on stable ground. You told us several times not to look at that part, that it didn't matter, etc. etc. but we know that it does matter. Your poly partner knows it, too, and all of her choices reflect that. What YOU bring to the poly relationship influences everything.
 
Stop rehashing what went on... Stop trying to blame her for what went on during your relationship. You let her know loud and clear that she was an option not a priority in your life why would she make you a priority. As the old saying goes... Never make someone a priority that treats you as an option.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. That is all you need to know. Stop being that guy who blames the woman for deciding what is best for her by turning and attacking her.

Go read the Reddit subform /r Niceguys.
 
No I don't think (generally) it's ok to make plans with you, then change them and not even let you know until you call.

That said, maybe it was a misunderstanding where you thought the plan was solid and she didn't. And maybe it was a real emergency too. Or maybe you had cancelled plans on her a few times before.

There's really no one protocol to apply here. We don't know the whole situation, and even if we did, it would be hard to say.

And of course ... Dagferi is right too. Why exactly would she invest in the relationship, if she already knew that this is not her prefered long-term thing?

Dagferi said:
You let her know loud and clear that she was an option not a priority in your life why would she make you a priority.
Click to expand...
 
Hi hjeckyl,

Just going from your description, it sounds like you had good reason to be upset. I would need to know more details to know for sure. But in general, one should not be changing plans at the last minute unless it's a real emergency.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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