Provide love or self respect?

[theoldertheshaw]

I have a philosophical dilemma. I want to live my life as someone who can have love and compassion for people even if they don't share those feelings for me. It feels more important to me to demonstrate this ability and put others first. However, recently a partner of mine decided to push me away and has really hurt me. After a couple of months, he has chosen to step back from the physical and romantic sides of our relationship and be friends. This is because he has a lot of trauma and tells me he has feelings for me but, is terrified of being in a relationship or in love. I can and will respect this but, I don't know if I should return to being close friends and stay in constant contact. We were friends for a year before we were lovers and he wants to return to spending time together platonically. My dilemma is whether I put my self first, not be his doormat, and stop trying to hangout OR do I give him what he wants and demonstrate that he can be safe trusting people since he has so many fears?

I can't lie that some of my confusion is over wanting to continue closeness and secretly hoping he will change his mind. I know I need to let go of this.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear about the recent break up.

My dilemma is whether I put my self first, not be his doormat, and stop trying to hangout.

Not being someone's doormat sounds good to me. Put you first, don't be a doormat, and stop trying to hang out at this time.

It is not selfish to put yourself first and take care of your OWN healing post break up as the first job you do.

It is necessary to do your own self care first so you don't burn out, or hurt yourself further. When you are well again? THEN you can gift your help to people in a way that does not overextend yourself.

Taking the time for self care is taking care of you. It is not selfish to do that. Selflessness is not a virtue. If you always put other people's stuff first and don't pay any attention to meeting your own needs? It's basically self neglect. NOT taking good care of you.

OR do I give him what he wants and demonstrate that he can be safe trusting people since he has so many fears?

Overcoming his fears is his work to do. There are other people in the world to do it with while you are in recovery. It is not your job as his ex to be his life raft or "prop me up" person at all times.

If you are hurting from a recent break up, you do not have to play a role in his recovery while you have your OWN recovery work to be doing.

I can't lie that some of my confusion is over wanting to continue closeness and secretly hoping he will change his mind. I know I need to let go of this.

Then you could take the time out you need at this time to let go of this. Finish grieving first.

If you both want to hang out later down the road when BOTH are well and healthy again? And try being friends at THAT point in time? Deal with it then.

Right now things sound too fresh. Be ok being a grieving person. It's ok to take a time out post break up and just focus on healing YOU.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi theoldertheshaw,

Usually I would say it's okay to help someone in need, but in this case, it seems to me that you are too close to the situation, and at best would become an enabler if you tried to help. He shouldn't blame you, he is the one who pushed you away. You're not obligated to keep in touch with him. Do what you need to do for your own healing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[anamikanon]

His fears, his issues, his traumas are his headache. You can support him, you can't solve them. You try to soften their impact, he'll get dependent on you or worse, you'll stagnate his learning curve. He may even learn to dump them on someone instead of fixing them and seek comfort at the cost of others paying the price in pain.

Love and compassion for someone is not the same as enabling their poor choices. If adapting to his fluctuating needs is causing you pain and requiring you to accept that pain in order to agree to his wishes, the faster he learns that functional relationships don't operate like that, the better it is for all concerned, including him.

Love and compassion can also mean not interfering to cover the text book when a loved one is learning an important life lesson.

No matter how much trauma he has suffered, if he wants to stop piling on to his problems, he needs to deal with the here and now in ways that don't add to them. There is no getting around this. No matter the trauma, at the end of the day, everyone has to learn to cope with their past without wrecking their present or suffer in the future as well.