Pulling away after partner returns from time with someone else

G

GlitterSpins

New member
Hi. I am new here. Transgender/queer person. Have been married to my cis female partner for 13 years. We are super open with each other, and while she is leaning towards a more poly lifestyle, I prefer to focus on one person (at least emotionally/relationship-wise).

She met someone a couple years ago and they have a relationship where they see each other 1 or 2 times a year. He is a cis male. While they are both super awesome people, and I support the idea of open relationships, it's super hard for me. My partner is doing all the right things in terms of helping me feel my feelings, encouraging me not to judge myself or my feelings, and talking openly about boundaries and desires. I have little doubt that she loves me, but tend toward doubting myself.

My request for support/advice comes into play here: She just spend the last 3 nights away with him, and though we texted throughout and talked on the phone a couple times, my need to protect myself is emerging. I feel like what I want is to pull away from her when she returns. I don't want her to touch me, and I don't want to touch her. (At the same time, I want her support and don't want it.) This makes me feel sad and a little angry and like "I don't need you." (I am also very envious of this lover having a penis, which I don't. And what I mean by that is his ability to connect with her on a skin-on-skin level which I just don't get with a dildo.)

Has anyone else experienced this need/desire to protect and pull away?

I hope I am making sense but please feel free to request clarification.

Thanks!!
 
Greetings GlitterSpins,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your feelings are pulling you in two directions, you want closeness with your partner, but at the same time you're angry with her, and I think afraid that you'll be replaced by the cis male. This is something that can happen in a mono/poly relationship. You have to understand that poly is about adding not replacing, but this can be hard to do when you yourself are not poly. Can I ask, how does your partner feel about seeing the cis male once or twice a year? To me it doesn't seem like very often.

I'm glad you could join our site.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi GlitterSpins, Welcome to the Forum - I have only been here a few months, and equally new to poly - and have found most folks here to be friendly and helpful - with lots of sound advice and solid info.

My wife will be leaving tomorrow for her third overnight with her bf (I am still practicing mono right now but may consider a fwb later if all seems stable with her deal). As the time approached for first overnight (and first sexual encounter with him since he was her bf in college - and a quasi-ldr so we agreed to one overnight a month) in our newly poly marriage, one of my big anxieties (since diminished, but still somewhat present) is that she would come home and be distant from me because she would be depressed over having to leave her "new love" - somewhat opposite of your situation it seems. I warned her of this in advance - in accordance with the 3 Rules of Poly - communicate, communicate, communicate (which has proven to be great advice). And consequently - she did a great job of NOT being distant. She texted me on the way home to let me know she was on the way - and included the message for me to be ready because now it was my turn. She slipped into my arms as soon as she got home - and the next day sent me a humorous text about still being dazed at the thought of having slept with two men on the same evening.

She did an equally great job of quieting this anxiety after her second overnight - and I really have little anxiety about the third one tomorrow. So, while I didn't experience a need to pull away - although, like you, I was the partner staying home waiting - I did have a lot of fear about being shunned - perhaps two side of the same coin?

Best of luck in working it all out!

Al
 
Hi Glitterspins,

Welcome to the forums. My advice comes with a preface that I've never successfully practised polyamory, so feel free to disregard what I say if it makes no sense.

When you say that you feel like pulling away, I imagine myself doing something similar if I were feeling betrayed or hurt. In my case, I'd be doing it as an unconscious punishment to my significant other. There would be overtones of monogamy here where I would be forcing her to choose between me or him.

I have no idea if this is really how you feel. If this strikes a chord in you, consider that you are intellectually in agreement with polyamory but emotionally unable to make the transition yet. Understand that what you're feeling is jealousy. My advice is to read more about jealousy (I'm sure you already have, but here are two other resources to consider) and then speak openly without hostility or anger to her about your hurt and vulnerability. I believe experienced polyamorists say that when a partner returns from a new lover, she feels very charged up for her original lover. I think she will look at you in a different light, grateful that you gave her the opportunity to fall in love again.

Good luck.
 
Thanks for the welcome. I appreciate your comment about adding and not replacing. I'll think about that. However, I do not think the question about her frequency in seeing this other person is relevant to my question.


kdt26417 said:
Greetings GlitterSpins,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your feelings are pulling you in two directions, you want closeness with your partner, but at the same time you're angry with her, and I think afraid that you'll be replaced by the cis male. This is something that can happen in a mono/poly relationship. You have to understand that poly is about adding not replacing, but this can be hard to do when you yourself are not poly. Can I ask, how does your partner feel about seeing the cis male once or twice a year? To me it doesn't seem like very often.

I'm glad you could join our site.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
 
Hi Glitterspins,
Noob here myself but had to say your OP kinda hit home.

Has anyone else experienced this need/desire to protect and pull away?
Click to expand...

My husband deals with this from time to time. We have implemented some "fail safe" measures to help him cope and not get to distanced from me but allowing him the space he needs. I'd be happy to share them with you if you think the idea of finding a way to cope with it as a couple would help you.


(I am also very envious of this lover having a penis, which I don't. And what I mean by that is his ability to connect with her on a skin-on-skin level which I just don't get with a dildo.)
Click to expand...

I am going to suggest you tell her this and talk it out to help you see a penis may not be as much of a "deal" as you think it might be.

My husband has chronic ED, we haven't had PIV sex in almost five years. The fact it doesn't work like it used to...effectively means I am living without PIV in my primary relationship......but it is a huge part of my secondary relationship. It did cause some issues for a while..the fact secondary had a working penis. My husband and I have had to keep the same openness, honesty and transparency with this subject as we have in place for our whole poly set up.

Talk to your partner, tell them how you feel....don't try to carry this alone..it could turn into a festering sore that breaks open and makes a huge mess. Better to be proactive over being reactive. ;)
 
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GlitterSpins said:
Hi. I am new here. Transgender/queer person. Have been married to my cis female partner for 13 years. We are super open with each other, and while she is leaning towards a more poly lifestyle, I prefer to focus on one person (at least emotionally/relationship-wise).

She met someone a couple years ago and they have a relationship where they see each other 1 or 2 times a year. He is a cis male. While they are both super awesome people, and I support the idea of open relationships, it's super hard for me. My partner is doing all the right things in terms of helping me feel my feelings, encouraging me not to judge myself or my feelings, and talking openly about boundaries and desires. I have little doubt that she loves me, but tend toward doubting myself.

My request for support/advice comes into play here: She just spend the last 3 nights away with him, and though we texted throughout and talked on the phone a couple times, my need to protect myself is emerging. I feel like what I want is to pull away from her when she returns. I don't want her to touch me, and I don't want to touch her. (At the same time, I want her support and don't want it.) This makes me feel sad and a little angry and like "I don't need you." (I am also very envious of this lover having a penis, which I don't. And what I mean by that is his ability to connect with her on a skin-on-skin level which I just don't get with a dildo.)

Has anyone else experienced this need/desire to protect and pull away?

I hope I am making sense but please feel free to request clarification.

Thanks!!
Click to expand...

Hey Glitterspins, are you still around?

I live with a transfemale and we run in queer circles so maybe I can relate.

You're a transman and monogamous. Your partner is cis female (?) and poly and has a cis male long distance bf she only sees once or twice a year, so in 2 years she's only seen him a handful of times.

So, you're not getting much practice in actually practicing polyamory (other than I assume, her texting, calling or Skyping him), and the transition period when she comes home is very difficult. You compare your genitals and need for toys to her cis male bf's penis, you're envious.

So there's the poly/mono LDR thing and there's the cis/trans thing. Complicated!

Personally I am in a relationship with a pre op transwoman. (I am cis female but genderqueer and pansexual.) I don't often date cis women, but when I did, it was no big deal that a cis woman has a pussy and my long term partner does not (yet). To me, as a pansexual queer, I love the person and not what the parts looks like or do. But maybe it would be different if I dated women more. For me, I mostly date men because I crave men... my partner's genitals look like a penis, but no longer act like a penis. And she doesn't relate to her parts the way a cis man would. She wants a vagina. So it's refreshing for me to just be with a man who actually likes his parts.

I am good friend with a transmale (who happens to be gay) and I know from what he says that it's very difficult and hella expensive to get surgery to make a penis. This must feel incredibly frustrating for you as it does for him?

I'm genderqueer and sometimes I wish I had a skin penis to fuck my gf (anally for now, vaginally after her surgery). It would feel great to have nerve endings in my strap-on. sigh... It's not easy, being queer.

As for the need for some space when she comes home from her trip to see her bf, that is actually not uncommon, even when both partners are poly and cisgendered. (You might get more support if you click on the ! red triangle in the upper right of your OP and get this thread moved to the Poly Relationships section.) I don't feel this way after either my gf or I have been on a date with an OSO, but I have read others here to say they do need a transition phase after a date. You're feeling envy of her bf and that adds to the need for some space. Take time, talk instead of touch, and respect your own needs. It sounds like you have an understanding gf, so that's great.
 
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