Purgatory

[Magdalena]

I am in a strange place right now, and not sure how or if I should move forward, backward or what. I am new here and have posted my intro to our situation.

My husband and I have been seeing this girl for about a month, only on weekends. Weekends without kids she has spent the night and we have gone out together. I think she would like to stay the entire weekend, but I am not ready for that. I'm really not sure if I am fully ready for what we are currently doing. However, I feel the need to explore this situation.

This is the first time we have been in a situation where we both really like the girl (me only for friendship) and she is also very available. She was in a triad before when she was in her 20s (she is now in her 30s), but apparently it ended very badly.

Now here is my predicament. I am really stretching myself here emotionally. At moments I want to cut her out completely, but not because of anything either of them are doing wrong. They are being amazingly sweet and considerate, it's almost as if they have been together for years and I am just now in the know about it. On one hand, she and I have this amazing connection, as well. It is a very strange thing. We are very similar, almost like she could be a long-lost sister. But to watch my husband, my lover, touch her in ways he touches me, is hugely difficult.

So, I am wondering if I should pursue this relationship as separate (me as her friend/my husband dating her) or should I just break it off totally, or should we all just stop and be friends? My husband has made it clear that he will only go as far as I can handle it, and will not jeopardize our love.

So far, we have done everything together, dating, sex, sleeping. Ugh. I am so confused on how to continue. But I think this week I need to make some decisions before I talk with her about it.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

I am wondering if I should pursue this relationship as separate (me friends/husband dating) or should I just break it off totally, or should we all just stop and be friends? My husband has made it clear that he will only go as far as I can handle it, and will not jeopardize our love. So far we have done everything together, dating, sex, sleeping.

Hullo, I'd say yes, pursue individual relationships. Build a strong foundation with both. Don't forget to date, have sex, and sleep with your husband, one-on-one, either! Enjoy the NRE that spills into your established relationship with hubby.

Threesomes (dates, sex, cuddles) in my experience, can be real fun, in moderation. But for me, connections deepen during one-on-one time. Spending all the time together as the three of you can be an excellent recipe for incontrollable jealousy.

 

[Magdalena]

Thanks for the response. Yes, I can see where this is a problem. Watching their dating process is rough. I am a voyeur and love to watch sex. However, something happened with her that has never happened with others-- he touched her like he does me, and it freaked me out. This was after our first date all together, so I wasn't expecting it.

I have had one outing with her alone, and we both really enjoyed it. However, I am realizing that I am experiencing a lot of fear at the idea of him going off without me. Has anyone else been here before? This would be our very first real-life poly situation. I am a total newb. Am I more afraid of the fear of the unknown, or is it a warning? When do you realize that this is or isn't for you? Like I said in my introduction, I get this intellectually, but the emotional stuff is way more powerful.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Has anyone else been here before? This would be our very first real-life poly situation, I am a total newb. Am I more afraid of the fear of the unknown or is it a warning? When do you realize that this is or isn't for you? I get this intellectually, but the emotional stuff is way more powerful.

Pretty much everybody whose story I have read on the New-to-Poly section, whose dynamic resemble yours, has the same fears, doubts and questions. Do a search on mono/poly (I read you identify as mono from your introductory post) and see that yours is one of the most common situations out there, and others have dealt with the same in the past.

 

[Tonberry]

I think you need to take a deep breath and try to understand what scared you.

It seems that in the past, anyone he's been with, he treated differently that he treated you. This new woman he treats in a more similar way to how he treats you. It's quite possible that in the past you didn't feel threatened because the relationships were obviously different, but since there are similarities in this one, you are more afraid of "being replaced," or something along these lines.

It seems to me your husband is dedicated to making sure you don't feel left out, or replaced, or hurt, so that's a good thing.

About your being there every time they have sex, is that something you want? He wants? She wants? All three? Would you feel better or worse if they had some intimacy without you being around? Do you spend time alone with her?

As it is, with you being a voyeur, as you say, it sounds like the dynamics when the three of you are together might be that he is "with her" and you're more to the side, watching. While I understand that it might be your fantasy, or kink, maybe part of you feels left out as a result, like they're becoming the "real" couple and you're becoming the "extra."

I think you need to think about all of it. Maybe write down all your thoughts. See if you can understand your feelings. If you understand what causes the feelings, and what they are exactly, it will be much easier to deal with them, or with the situation that brought them forth.

At any rate, if you are feeling uncomfortable, you could ask for the situation to slow down, maybe have some dates without sex, maybe get to know her better one-on-one, whatever makes you feel more secure. And I would suggest talking with the two of them about how you feel and seeing what they can do to help.

 

[redpepper]

I would like to suggest that you are done with the hanging out all three of you thing for the time being. There is no reason that things have to stay the same. Maybe your should do your own thing, hang out with her regularly and let them get on with the business of creating their own relationship. Perhaps that might mean some sexy voyeur time in the future, but for now, why not take a break from that and re-establish your bond, one-on-one with your husband, the hinge?