Quad Family

Better this week. Saturday was Asha's 40th birthday, so we went to a potluck at her house. There were lots of people there, and I was still having trouble with depression, so it was tough on me. I did manage to force myself to be friendly and social, eventually. Strangely, Sunday actually stroked my back a little bit, which I found enormously comforting. I sent him an e-mail yesterday telling him how much that meant to me, I hope I didn't scare him off.

Asha confided in us that her closest friend had caused some drama with her kids, and she was at a loss about what to do. She said that this friend was the closest thing her kids had to family, which hurts every time she says it. Easy pointed out that we're family, too, and Asha said that we're "newcomers" since we've only been around a few years. Sigh. Okay, we've only been in a relationship for a couple of years, we've only been around in a big capacity for about three years...Rockstar is five, and Ocean is 9. I have pictures from Ocean's birthday party in 2006, so that means we were at least acquaintances four years ago. I think I remember attending Rockstar's first birthday party. When do we count? Am I missing the point? I have a huge family, most of whom I never see or talk to. Asha and I both lost aunts in the last year...does mine count less because I have six aunts left and she has none? I'm not raging here, I'm looking for perspective. Do I feel the pain less because I have more? I don't understand why we have to keep toxic people in our lives because she doesn't feel like she has enough family for her kids. I really, really don't get it, and I feel like I can't be supportive if I don't understand this.

Both of my children chose to be at Asha's party, and I think they both behaved very well. Moose actually came and comforted me when I was having the most difficulty fighting off the depression--kind of a wake-up call, because I hadn't been aware that I was being that transparent. I was happy that Moose was so well-behaved, because of course there are no other teenagers there for him to hang out with. I've always had the oldest kids and it's been hardest for Moose. Lesson learned--don't have your kids young, apparently. So Moose isn't quite old enough to really hang with the adults (we're boring), and too old for the kids, and dealt with it well. I'm always thrilled when my polyfamily can all gather under one roof and there are no explosions. (Except when Monkey wasn't sharing the Wii, but we talked to her about that.)

I also had a brief moment that seems tiny right now, but made me want to cry when it happened...I was sitting next to Asha at the table, and I can't remember what we were doing, but her hand was next to mine and I brushed up against hers. She pushed her hand into mine and maintained the contact, and I felt so comforted. Physical contact means so much to me, and I can't even figure out why. Just that tiny bit of intentional contact was so important.

I've been better since then, more functional.
 
I must be feeling better...I have the worst urge to say, "Well, since no one ever responds to me I'm going to leave the board. Good-bye, cruel world!" which is totally sarcastic and not true, just me entertaining myself. I have a weird sense of humor. But since I'm feeling mischievous and silly, I must be coming out of the funk, right? :)
 
I can be a real idiot sometimes. I admit, I haven't evolved into a ball of pure light, and it doesn't look like that development is on the horizon anytime soon.

I apologize to everyone and to my partners most especially if I've done them a disservice in this blog thread. I tried to make sure that I didn't say anything I wouldn't say to their faces, but it looks like I failed at what I was attempting.

Please be assured, my partners are all wonderful people, whether or not I agree with everything they say or do. They work to be what I need them to be, and to communicate what they need from me. I'm afraid that I may have made Asha and Easy come off as selfish and uncaring of my needs, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. If I make it seem like everyone worships Asha and I'm left in the cold, well, that's probably a part my fear, and a part of me feeling very strongly for her. The fear says, "Why shouldn't everyone love Asha? She's everything I would want to be." I love and admire her very much, and it's not her fault that I'm frightened that I'm not worthy.

I can be selfish, and petty, and insecure, and very self-pitying when I'm in a funk, which is why I try not to post anymore when I'm like that. I have hormonal problems which mean that I deal with it more often than I should, and I grew up constantly hearing how I wasn't good enough and no one would ever love me, which is not an excuse but maybe an explanation.

I also need to say that my partners do communicate with me, when I can get up the courage to talk to them. I, and my relationships, are a constantly evolving work-in-progress, and I promise that I do work on it all as often as I'm able. I'm trying to make sure that I hold myself accountable for my own actions, which is maybe why it seems like I try to avoid placing responsibility on my partners' shoulders.

I feel like I'm digging myself a hole, LOL. Just please be assured that, 1) I love my partners, and I feel that they are good people who are interested in seeing that I am happy and whole, 2) I do communicate, sooner or later, when I say that I have a problem in this blog; if I don't communicate, then I have determined that the problem is mine and I'll deal with it in myself, 3) Easy and I work on our marriage and try to make sure that it's healthy, but sometimes we have difficulty because of 20 years of ingrained habits; Easy has made sure to tell me that I am his priority, and he will preserve the marriage (and our family) above anything else, and 4) We are all working on what we perceive to be our problems in order to preserve our relationships; we have all stated that we would like our quad to be around for the long haul.

Asha once said that one thing she loved about me was that when I perceived a problem with myself, I set out immediately to fix it with my whole heart. I'm working on this, too.
 
"I can be selfish, and petty, and insecure, and very self-pitying when I'm in a funk..."

What? That's not just a Me thing? Is it wrong to be pleased to know this? :p

"I also need to say that my partners do communicate with me, when I can get up the courage to talk to them..."

I feel you. It's too easy to wallow in fear. Every once in awhile my husband will say something to me like, "There's no good reason to hide your thoughts and feelings. The relationship will stand or fall, but it will definitely fall if you can't communicate honestly and be yourself." I remember this now when I need that courage, and sometimes the courageous act of opening up will prevent that funky downward spiral. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it... I like to think I'm strong enough to control it without "breaking down" enough to have to talk. Thankfully my OSO grins when I hit that point. He recognizes the pattern now and is responsive, even though he probably secretly believes it's all estrogen related:rolleyes: I'll take the grace however it comes. Lord knows we all need it. This s_it isn't easy!
 
Oh, boy, so much going on. Monkey is performing all of the time--she's in ballet, marching band, and choir, so we have parades, concerts, choir performances, The Nutcracker, rehearsals, and promotions to attend. It's crazy making. Then we have Moose's Winter Fine Arts night, which is mandatory for his school, and all of the other children in our extended family have performances as well. Easy works nights, so I'm the driver/attender for everything. I used to think the bumper sticker, "Mom's Taxi" was cute, but now it's just annoying.

Thanksgiving was fine. My small family went to visit Easy's parents, with the unpleasant addition of his half-sister, who I can get along with but who irritates me greatly. I behaved. After we got home, we went to a friend's house and met up with Sunday and Asha and their family. That was much more relaxing. I'm glad I didn't have to hang out with my family, because I was in trouble. I had kind of sort of opened my mouth during a discussion about politics, and then a following one about religion. How did I turn out so different from the rest of my family? I tried to be kind when I pointed out that Christianity isn't the only religion. I didn't even address atheism, the conversation went south so quickly.

The following weekend, we went to Sunday and Asha's house to help move furniture and put up Christmas decorations. Moose stayed home. Asha had purchased a sectional sofa so that we could all fit on the furniture. It's very nice, she has great taste. We all had hot chocolate and egg nog, and later on we watched movies. I got to see Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which if anyone had told me that 1)it's Joss Whedon and 2)Nathan Fillion is in it, I would have immediately ordered it from Netflix and watched it six months ago. Dude. I adored it, but in typical Joss Whedon style, he made me cry. Why does he keep doing that?

This weekend Asha is sick, so we're going our own way. It's okay because yesterday Monkey had a performance at the local children's museum for her ballet school almost all day, then she had a parade with marching band, so we were overscheduled as usual. Today she has another rehearsal. So we probably wouldn't have had a lot of time together. Next weekend's going to be crazy, too, so I don't know how it's going to go. I'm going to breathe a sigh of relief when winter break starts and all of the activities let up.

Anyway, poor Easy is over here moaning about spending some time with me and how long this "marathon post" is, so I guess I'd better go. :p
 
Lemondrop said:
I'm glad I didn't have to hang out with my family, because I was in trouble. I had kind of sort of opened my mouth during a discussion about politics, and then a following one about religion. How did I turn out so different from the rest of my family? I tried to be kind when I pointed out that Christianity isn't the only religion. I didn't even address atheism, the conversation went south so quickly.
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When I go to my mother-in-laws, I litterally tell my sister-in-law to stop me when I start to argue with my MIL, so not worth it:rolleyes:.

While on the most basic level, my family and I are the same religion (Chrisitian), it's all I can do to hold my tounge just to avoid the drama. Both my brother and I have pretty much followed the same path, which my mother would condisder just shy of blasphamous:p. I get so irritated at their hateful, arrogant views, I go home highly aggitated. I once told her that our(my brother and I) re-evaluation of religion was all her and my dad's fault. The look on her face was priceless. I told her that they taught us to think for ourselves and never take any preachers teachings as absolute without doing our own research. She just thought she was protecting us from cult leaders and anyone who didn't believe the same way she did, it never occured to her that we would question her beliefs as well.
 
Wow, time sure flies when you're insanely busy. My cousin made me cry...I posted earlier that I was in trouble for talking religion and politics. Even though she was mad about my rocking the boat, she had heard me mentioning that I was having trouble with my nails splitting and peeling, and she gave me a nail care kit, in a beautiful bag. It would have been just as easy for her to keep it or give it to someone else, I never would have know. It's nice to know that *someone* in my family is not genetically malicious. (I should point out that a different cousin sabotaged my wedding video, which she was taking, simply because she got married the same year and I think she wanted her wedding to be the best.) Which has nothing to do with polyamory, so I'm sorry I'm going off on a tangent again.

Last weekend was crazy, actually the last two weeks have been crazy with performances and parties and presents to be made. We managed to go out to dinner with Asha and Sunday and the kids. Easy spent some time trying to convince Rockstar that he couldn't lay down in his chair because he'd trip the waiter, and Trip a Waiter Day was the previous day. We even got Ocean to agree. Asha sat next to Easy, and I sat next to Sunday. Sunday was actually a little affectionate! All I need is a bit of touch, so I know that it doesn't seem like much, but he let his leg rest against mine and didn't jump away like he was scalded. I was happy. He also touched my shoulder a couple of times. Dare I hope that this heralds a new era of me not having to feel like a predator every time I touch him?

Tomorrow we get together for our polyfamily holiday. I'm excited for my kids to get their presents because I think they'll be excited, and I know that this year is a little lean for us. I want them to be happy. I'm worried that they'll feel let down when Christmas comes and they don't have as many presents as previous years. I'm thinking fondly of the time when I worked and there were dozens of presents. It's hard to remember that there are other benefits to being a stay-at-home mom when there are only a few presents under the tree. I planned poorly this year. :( I don't exactly know what I was thinking, but I certainly didn't put enough money aside. I'll tell myself that it's the first year that I actually held myself to a budget and that in previous years I simply spent money that we didn't have, which may be true.

I should be finishing making gifts for the kids, but I hurt. I woke up this morning and everything hurt, and I can't make myself do anything. I made myself a cup of instant coffee, and that's it. I need to get going because I've got presents to wrap and things to sew and crochet. A pain pill took the edge off, but didn't completely remove the pain. I should be trying to power through it, but...well, for better or for worse, I haven't yet.
 
God my hands and wrists are burning! I hear you on that!

I got Spicy Pea's new baby's blanket done (that was odd to type out). I also got Sweet Pea's re-made blanket done. Then I finished a second one for the new baby-WHEW and started on hats and scarves!
I got a hat/scarf set for Spicy Pea done, and a hat for Sour Pea. Gotta finish up the rest this week.
EEK EEK EEK!

Merry Christmas Lemon!
 
LOL! I know we're supposed to take a break when we get sore, but when you're working with a deadline, what are you going to do?

Merry Christmas, to you too, LR!
 
I think our family Solstice celebration went well. I was so happy to have everyone under one roof! We had a wonderful turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes (just the way I like them!) and roast asparagus. Moose was stealing the asparagus right off the platter, which makes a mom feel good. :) Asha and Sunday gave me a wonderful, awesome, beautiful ring that makes my heart go pitter-pat. I doubt that the presents we bought them were near so perfect. I had a hard time letting go of the worry that they didn't like theirs as much as I liked mine. I made skeleton aprons and jingle-bell necklaces for Ocean and Rockstar, plus regular gifts of course. :) Rockstar wore through the yarn of the (crocheted) necklace twice! So I brought it home and supplemented the yarn with some chain mail. We'll see how that works!

I was super-stressed the whole night, because Easy's mother had called and reminded us of some money we owed her and accused us of having spent the kids' Christmas money on ourselves, plus Easy's dad's Christmas card this year came addressed only to Easy. It said on the front, "Son, so proud of you". It's fine and happy-making for Easy's dad to be proud of him, but it's one more in a long line of little digs about how he hates me and the kids. I don't get it, I can't stand it, and I'm getting stressed out just writing about it so I guess I'll stop. Anyway, I've been feeling like a suck parent because I didn't put enough money away for Christmas, and we owe Easy's mom money, and if I weren't a stay-at-home mom we'd at least have the extra paycheck. Asha pointed out that if I worked, our kids wouldn't have the opportunities that they have now, and we had a long talk which made me feel marginally better. I kind of feel like there is no good solution here. But I'm trying to reconcile myself to the lack of wrapped items under the tree and tell myself that my kids have everything they need, which is true, but at Christmas I want to make all of their wishes come true, you know? Really, I ought to be out wrapping things and finishing making more presents, (like skeleton aprons for Moose and Monkey, and a crocheted Cthulu balaclava for Moose. I finished the eyeball dice pouch for Monkey last night, and I'm relieved that it turned out decent because I didn't really like the way it looked.)

I have a tradition. Normally I hand-make Solstice gifts for my family, so that I don't strain the budget and also to, I don't know, maybe remind them that sometimes the best gifts are little ones? To help remind us that it's not necessary to fall for the trap of buying a lot of commercial gifts? But when I became polyamorous my gift list went from 3 to 7 presents, which was killing me, so I didn't make gifts for the adults this year. Well, it turned out that I didn't hand-make Solstice gifts for Sunday and Asha, because last night I whipped out a crocheted gift for Easy while waiting for him to get home from work. Now I feel like a real yutz because I don't have those gifts for Asha and Sunday. I have half a dozen unfinished projects for Asha that I could try to finish, but I have NO IDEA what to make for Sunday. He wouldn't even tell me what he wanted for Christmas, so I had to guess.

Ugh. I'm rambling so that I don't have to go out and wrap gifts and sew and crochet. I'd better get off the computer.
 
Lemondrop said:
I was super-stressed the whole night, because Easy's mother had called and reminded us of some money we owed her and accused us of having spent the kids' Christmas money on ourselves plus Easy's dad's Christmas card this year came addressed only to Easy. It said on the front, "Son, so proud of you". It's fine and happy-making for Easy's dad to be proud of him, but it's one more in a long line of little digs about how he hates me and the kids.
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Easy needs to stand up to his parents in support of you and if they can't be nice all contact needs to be cut off, including returning mail unopened (just my personal opinion). On the opposite end, you will be much happier if you can learn to let it go. These people have some serious issues and it really has nothing to do with you. Some parents have a hard time letting their children live their own lives and will take it out on the most convenient target.

I totally sympathize with you on the money issue and Christmas presents. We are barley able to keep our head above water this year and it sucks. I tell the kids the truth and do my best to explain the situation, believe it or not, they are far more understanding that we give them credit for sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself, it is what it is.
 
I'm alive. I'm having some medical problems which leave me achy and tired and irritable (seems like all of the time). It's tough for me to tell people how awful I feel. I'm trying to keep moving like normal.

I think things are going just fine with the quad. We're talking about moving in together, though I'm frankly terrified. Asha has a very strong personality and I'm scared that I'll get lost. Also, Asha and Sunday are significantly more wealthy than we are and we would have a tough time contributing an equal share. She talks about how much easier life would be if we split one mortgage, but the payment would be the same for us because the house would be bigger. I don't think she realizes yet just how "on the edge" our finances are. Sometimes I feel ashamed because I never went to college and I have no earning potential.

I've been exploring BDSM and I think I'm a service-oriented sub. I feel intimidated because Easy and Asha click so easily, while he seems terrified to do anything with me, especially since I seem to get more satisfaction out of a more D/s type relationship. It's been suggested that he can never be my dom because I control so much of our normal lives. I'm stinging from that, because I control so much of our normal lives because for so many years *he wasn't there*. I took care of our lives while he worked, while he played, while he went out and did what he wanted to. I was the responsible one, so why do I have to feel like an emasculating nag for making sure that my kids' lives didn't go to pieces? I don't want to be in control all of the time, I never wanted to. This feels like one more way he can abandon me.

Easy says to ignore that, of course. I know he feels terrible for the years that he didn't help. I *know that*. I'm just stinging, and it doesn't matter and I shouldn't let it get to me. I'm seriously afraid that he doesn't want to be my dominant and he's just humoring me until I get tired and go away. I'm having a hard time learning to trust what he says.

It was also suggested that Asha is his place to go to get away from me. Wow that made me feel unloved. I don't think that's what was meant, but it hurt, and it certainly doesn't help to stop my tendency to want to walk away.

Tomorrow I go in for a biopsy. I'm not entirely clear what they're looking for. A lot of words have been thrown at me to explain why I've been in pain for so long, but it seems like endometriosis is the most likely (in my mind). I begged for pain relief for two weeks before I went to a different doctor, and now he's worried that there's something wrong with my gall bladder, too. I'm (sigh) cranky and sore and tired.
 
Lemondrop said:
Also, Asha and Sunday are significantly more wealthy than we are and we would have a tough time contributing an equal share. She talks about how much easier life would be if we split one mortgage, but the payment would be the same for us because the house would be bigger. I don't think she realizes yet just how "on the edge" our finances are.
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So, don't make it equal. Treat it like a partnership; in fact it wouldn't be a bad idea to form a legal partnership. Each party would contribute proportionately based on their income.

My prayers are with you on your biopsy tomorrow. Hopefully they can isolate the problem and fix it.
 
Keeping you in my thoughts!

I'm all for the putting in based on % of income equality instead of precise $ equality.

It tends to work out better that way.
 
The biopsy came back normal, so no uterine cancer that we know of. I'm a little irritated that that doctor can't seem to share information with me unless I pull it out of him with pliers. Frankly, my experience has been that doctors who won't share information with you sooner or later end up hurting you. My ob nearly killed me, my son's pediatrician nearly killed him, so I think this doctor and I will be parting ways. Even if I weren't getting a bad feeling about this, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about my sexual partners when I'm sitting in the office with a Holy Bible. Yes, my gynecologist has a bible in the examination room. Since I'm Pagan, and I'm married with multiple partners, I feel uncomfortable. Maybe he's not judgmental, but I'm just not comfortable and I'm not willing to go through the firestorm that will ensue if he *is* judgmental. I hate living in this hugely biased city sometimes.

The ultrasound of my gall bladder came back as "unremarkable", so that's good too. I'm still in pain, but I guess I get to live with it.

I just found out that my aunt, who died a year ago, tried to turn me in to CPS for homeschooling. I'm so shocked and hurt that I pretty much want to cut off my entire family, which I know isn't fair, but how can I trust them? My mother raised me to believe that, no matter how much you fight with your family, you band together to protect each other from outside forces. Now I find out that my own aunt tried to stab me in the back. What's next? My religion? My husband's ethnic background? I don't even know what would happen if they found out I was polyamorous. It makes me even angrier because I know that these same people, who are judged acceptable, have lied and cheated on their partners and been cruel to their own children and cruel to others and lived lives that hurt other people, but I'm not acceptable because I live differently than they do, even though I do my best to be kind and bring happiness to others? I'm so angry and hurt.
 
Lemondrop said:
Even if I weren't getting a bad feeling about this, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about my sexual partners when I'm sitting in the office with a Holy Bible. Yes, my gynecologist has a bible in the examination room.
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This is absolutely bad form. The desk of his office is one thing, but not an examination room.

Glad to hear the biopsy didn't show anything, but sucks that they still don't know what is wrong, and therefore can't fix it.
 
Actually, I tried to be understanding, because all of our hospitals are pretty much Catholic here and I live in a city that's intolerant of anything not Christian, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm just too worried about whether he'll judge me a "sinner" and give me substandard care to really trust him. And I do have very bad experiences trusting doctors who didn't take care of me or my family.

Plus, the reality is that the last time I was in the office alone, I was in too much pain to think straight because I'd been suffering for weeks and he had refused to prescribe anything for the pain. They had me in tears because they wanted me to sign a form that said I'd been informed of the risks and side-effects of the test they were going to perform and the treatment they were going to give, and I wouldn't sign it because of course no one had told me anything.

So the nurse gave me a blank look and said, "So do you want to wait to sign it until after you talk to the doctor?"

And the doctor told me that there weren't any risks or side-effects, which is a flat-out lie because *everything* has risks. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop! But I kept asking them what they were giving me and they kept giving me vague answers like, "Oh, this will stop the pain" or "It's to treat you". It was a nightmare. I later found out they had given me a blood thinner, but darned if I can tell you why. I haven't found any reason for it on any website so far.

I hate changing doctors. But my ob was just like this...I had pre-eclampsia and she never said a word to me. I didn't find out about it until I had my second child, and I had the records switched to a midwife...and right there, in my chart, she had written at the bottom "pre-eclampsia". I only knew that my blood pressure was high. I could have died. The baby could have died. As it was, my son was in and out of the hospital for his first six months, and he had four surgeries during that time. I learned that you just can't blindly trust a doctor to have your best interests in mind.
 
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