Quad in hiding

[MileHighQuad]

I am struggling with the need to behave differently around others because the other couple in our quad is so worried about coming out. I understand and sympathize with their feelings. One is a school teacher and the other works for the military as a civilian contractor. We live in a very conservatively-minded town, and we have children between the ages of 8-13. I get it, really.

But it is so hard to go from being open and affectionate with each other when we are alone or out of town, to throwing up walls so that we appear to just be friends when anyone else is near.

We've been a quad for a year and a half now, so the love attachments are pretty strong now. We see each other almost every day. Our families have dinner at each other's houses 2-4 times a week. We get to have all-nighters together about every 6-8 weeks, and find stolen moments to share a couple intimate hours about once a week.

My love for these people is so strong. I feel like I am constantly trying to stuff this huge thing into a tiny box, but it never quite fits, and it spills out all over the place. I want to shout our love from the rooftops, but cannot.

Mostly I'm just venting, but if anyone has advice for how to deal with this, I appreciate it. Reading all your posts when I so often feel like we are alone in this helps me a lot. Thanks everyone!

 

[NeonKaos]

Well um, you could make plans to re-locate to a less conservative community. This is a huge step but if it's what you really want in the long-term, it's never too soon to start making plans.

 

[redpepper]

The thing I don't get is that the people that make the community conservative and narrow-minded are open about it, and everyone else is closeted. If everyone who was less conservative and narrow-minded were open, then there would be more of a balance. at the very least. You create your own reality, ya know?

Or yeah, move. I know it's hard, but change only happens when we are open ad honest with the world, I reckon. That doesn't mean shoving it in people's faces, just being humbly yourself and natural.

 

[RfromRMC]

Well, one of the good things about a MFMF quad is that, to the outside world, it's easy to appear as just two couples who are best friends, like the Flintstones and the Rubbles.

We also live in a conservative state, and in an odd way I'm a tad jealous that your situation can easily be camouflaged. As a triad of three guys living together, it is harder to blend in, for sure.

Of course, in an ideal world y'all would win the lottery and move to a liberal bastion like NYC or SF or Paris and are able to be as open as you want. I can't count how many times I've had that daydream! But realistically, you just have to try to live as happily as possible, while not making too big of a scene. Find ways to spend time together away from the prying public more often, if you can. It's about the best you can do.

And, well, come here to vent, as needed.

 

[Carma]

I am SO with you!!

My men are very private. Neither one of them wants to come out. We also live in a small conservative community and we have kids ranging from 5 to 16 still living at home. My two grown children know. One is accepting, the other is not. The younger kids don't know. They just think we are friends. But it's getting harder to hide my affection for my bf from my teenagers, and to explain why my husband is going on match.com, and it's OK with me.

I want to shout it from the rooftops, too! I want to love out loud! I want to brag about how much my husband loves me, how much my men trust each other, how they exchanged "Happy Father's Day" wishes with one another, how much respect exists between the three of us.

I have my dreams. It does seem that the world is "opening up" (thanks especially to the LGBTQ community for their EXTREME BRAVERY! RfromRMC -- love!) But for now, I have to tuck it inside. It is really hard for me to keep a secret. Fortunately I do have a few trusted friends who know, so I can share my joys with them. Also I have this forum! It's a community in itself. We have a great thread where people share their success stories and happy moments.

I try to be grateful for the happiness I do have, and remember that keeping the privacy of my men is another way of loving and honoring them.

 

[Abstract]

It's not easy. I was born and raised in NYC (where it seems everything goes), and met my partner in WI, where eople didn't really care what we did. After living there for a few years, we moved to GA. Wow, that was culture shock. I thought people were gonna chase us with a pitchfork. LOL. It was warmer.

We find being open with being gay/bi, and poly on top of that, to be very, very hard. We picked our current location in GA, because it was the best choice for our children. We are not near Atlanta, where people are a bit more open-minded.

Everyone knows that we are in a same-sex relationship. It's not something we choose to hide. Some people had issues with it; some did not. It has on occasion been a problem with my work, but not hers. As for poly, we tried to hide it at first, but we just didn't see how it was any different than not hiding that we were gay/bisexual.

It wasn't as big of a deal as you would think. We still get the dirty looks and nasty comments, but we have also made some really great friends that we would have never made if we had kept our lifestyle a secret. Being gay seems to be more of an issue than being poly.

I agree with the idea that either your community will change you, or you will change your community. The more people who are out about their "alternative" lifestyles, the easier it is for the people who have them. I am sure you will find there are more than you know. We did.

We tried some things that might work for you guys. Go out places that are far away from where you live or work, if you can. Even if you're not gay or bi, going to a gay or bi place might be a good idea, as people tend to be a little less focused on what situations other people are in, and more accepting of differences. Our straight friends go out with us a lot.

I know it's hard when people have jobs that will become conflicted by their private lives. I guess it all comes down to how much longer you can keep it a secret. Is it worth keeping it a secret? What would really happen if people knew? Is it just uncomfortable or will they get fired?

Very best of luck to you. I think it is so awesome that you are so happy!!