drinnt
New member
Hey everyone,
I've written on here before about my relationship:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56025
Basically my wife and I were swingers and met another couple March 2013. They were swingers too. The connection was instantaneous and intense. We began a 14 month love affair where we became exclusive, fluid bonded and explored the far reaches of our relationship. Sleeping separately, separate dates, even a few separate weekends.
All through our relationship my wife and I adjusted our marriage as needed to keep things working for us (happy at home) and that allowed us to give each other jealous free permission to enjoy our new partners. Sometimes we did a good job, sometimes we learned some harder lessons, sometimes we impacted the group with our problems. However, all said and done we remained intact and available for each other and the four way relationship. We tended to "figure out our shit on the fly". It was our contention that the lessons we needed to learn were ones we needed to learn WHILE in the midst of the greater relationship. I wish I could say our lover's could enjoy the same convenience...boy, do I wish I could say that...and it wasn't for a lack of trying!
All through our group relationship though there were two problem dynamics. My wife and my lover, despite the two girls trying and patience, couldn't really get much traction in forming a relationship. In the last few months my lover did an amazing job reaching out and now her and my wife can talk about anything. It can feel tenuous at times, but it was a start to something real. There still were and are obstacles between the two girls' relationship...that is the other problem dynamic...the problems in the marriage of our lovers.
Our lovers had a rocky start to our relationship. My lover wasn't ready to stop swinging but her husband did not want to swing any more. That fractured their marriage. My lover carried that resentment through our whole relationship. That resentment kept her from truly seeing my wife as a partner until the last few months when my lover really put forth a gigantic effort. However...the only thing REALLY keeping my lover going was what she had with me. The whole time her marriage was deteriorating with every "mistake" her husband would make that would remind her of how much he chose my wife and our relationship over what was best for their marriage. That echoed back to the very beginning.
There was a brief, shining period for a couple of months this winter and spring 2014 where my lover and her husband really seemed to have worked some things out. Actually, they DID work things out. My lover actually said to me one day, "who wouldn't want this!!!" That was one of the happiest days of my life. Unfortunately her husband truly believed that their relationship of 38 years was invincible and relaxed way too much into his love affair with my wife. My lover couldn't shrug off the mounting, cumulative feelings of rejection that were creating huge gaps in their marriage no matter HOW amazing what she and I had is. As he kept making mistakes without every truly addressing the problem that only pushed her closer to me until she finally felt like I was all she had left. In a desperate attempt to save their marriage before there was nothing to save we have decided to take a break and not communicate to give them space. The two guys and two girls can communicate but not the lovers - thinking it would be too great a distraction.
We are two weeks in to a 5 week break where we went from communicating EVERY DAY for 14 months to NOT TALKING AT ALL.
The problem with this break is that it comes with a necessary unknown. We realize that they must fix their marriage. We ALL also realize that the way we were managing our relationship as a group got us HERE. So that leaves two things.
Can they fix their marriage enough to want to resume a romantic relationship with us?
What will that romantic relationship look like, how will it be managed?
The first question is the question that takes this from break to a possible BREAK UP. It's killing me. My wife and I are supporting each other and talking constantly. It's bringing us together and it really fucking hurts so bad. Lots of tears. Lots of gut wrenching agony.
All I can do is think about all the amazing amazing amazing memories and tell myself "they got us here...as good as they were, they contributed to this..." That leads me to hurt a little less, then I think about my role in all this and THAT hurts a little more. Every way I turn there seems to be pain until I know the answer to the ultimate question....are we done? I hold on hope with the fact that if we were done they would tell us, we're done. All they can say is they don't know but right now all they can focus on is their marriage and trying not to think about the future beyond that. I respect that and it comes with a WORLD of hurt. It's a VERY UNIQUE SITUATION.
Usually people know if they are done with you or not. Usually you can say "be with me or let me go!" In this situation though there was NOTHING wrong with our relationships to our lovers...they were dream-like...amazing...life-altering. It's killing us all to have to go through this. However without their marriage (or ours) then we cannot have what we have...or ANY version of it. We've all declared that no one wants a platonic relationship at the end of this. So it's some form of lovers or nothing.
The ONE question I NEED answered I cannot get an answer to. That question is...will they be willing to resume a romantic relationship with us?
I am having the hardest time treading water until I get that answer. I feel like I need to let go. I can let go of HOW we managed our love with them but I CANNOT BRING MYSELF to let go of that love...mostly because there is still very real hope. The problem for me is, that hope hinges upon something completely outside my control. How do I deal for the next three weeks????
I cannot imagine, after how deep we touched each other and what we shared, that they will choose to give us up. Especially if they get their marriage back on track. My wife has texted with my lover and me with the husband. They both sound like there is a LOT of healing going on and they both miss us like crazy, crazy, crazy. They won't tell us it's over...which gives me hope. But they can't tell us we will resume which both threatens my hope and invokes MASSIVE amounts of compassion for where they have been driven to in their marriage. I just love them SO FUCKING MUCH and don't want to lose them and the opportunity to love them every day for a long, long time.
Hence...VERY HARD TIMES. I'm sorry to dump a load of crap all over the board but I needed to release it.
I've written on here before about my relationship:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56025
Basically my wife and I were swingers and met another couple March 2013. They were swingers too. The connection was instantaneous and intense. We began a 14 month love affair where we became exclusive, fluid bonded and explored the far reaches of our relationship. Sleeping separately, separate dates, even a few separate weekends.
All through our relationship my wife and I adjusted our marriage as needed to keep things working for us (happy at home) and that allowed us to give each other jealous free permission to enjoy our new partners. Sometimes we did a good job, sometimes we learned some harder lessons, sometimes we impacted the group with our problems. However, all said and done we remained intact and available for each other and the four way relationship. We tended to "figure out our shit on the fly". It was our contention that the lessons we needed to learn were ones we needed to learn WHILE in the midst of the greater relationship. I wish I could say our lover's could enjoy the same convenience...boy, do I wish I could say that...and it wasn't for a lack of trying!
All through our group relationship though there were two problem dynamics. My wife and my lover, despite the two girls trying and patience, couldn't really get much traction in forming a relationship. In the last few months my lover did an amazing job reaching out and now her and my wife can talk about anything. It can feel tenuous at times, but it was a start to something real. There still were and are obstacles between the two girls' relationship...that is the other problem dynamic...the problems in the marriage of our lovers.
Our lovers had a rocky start to our relationship. My lover wasn't ready to stop swinging but her husband did not want to swing any more. That fractured their marriage. My lover carried that resentment through our whole relationship. That resentment kept her from truly seeing my wife as a partner until the last few months when my lover really put forth a gigantic effort. However...the only thing REALLY keeping my lover going was what she had with me. The whole time her marriage was deteriorating with every "mistake" her husband would make that would remind her of how much he chose my wife and our relationship over what was best for their marriage. That echoed back to the very beginning.
There was a brief, shining period for a couple of months this winter and spring 2014 where my lover and her husband really seemed to have worked some things out. Actually, they DID work things out. My lover actually said to me one day, "who wouldn't want this!!!" That was one of the happiest days of my life. Unfortunately her husband truly believed that their relationship of 38 years was invincible and relaxed way too much into his love affair with my wife. My lover couldn't shrug off the mounting, cumulative feelings of rejection that were creating huge gaps in their marriage no matter HOW amazing what she and I had is. As he kept making mistakes without every truly addressing the problem that only pushed her closer to me until she finally felt like I was all she had left. In a desperate attempt to save their marriage before there was nothing to save we have decided to take a break and not communicate to give them space. The two guys and two girls can communicate but not the lovers - thinking it would be too great a distraction.
We are two weeks in to a 5 week break where we went from communicating EVERY DAY for 14 months to NOT TALKING AT ALL.
The problem with this break is that it comes with a necessary unknown. We realize that they must fix their marriage. We ALL also realize that the way we were managing our relationship as a group got us HERE. So that leaves two things.
Can they fix their marriage enough to want to resume a romantic relationship with us?
What will that romantic relationship look like, how will it be managed?
The first question is the question that takes this from break to a possible BREAK UP. It's killing me. My wife and I are supporting each other and talking constantly. It's bringing us together and it really fucking hurts so bad. Lots of tears. Lots of gut wrenching agony.
All I can do is think about all the amazing amazing amazing memories and tell myself "they got us here...as good as they were, they contributed to this..." That leads me to hurt a little less, then I think about my role in all this and THAT hurts a little more. Every way I turn there seems to be pain until I know the answer to the ultimate question....are we done? I hold on hope with the fact that if we were done they would tell us, we're done. All they can say is they don't know but right now all they can focus on is their marriage and trying not to think about the future beyond that. I respect that and it comes with a WORLD of hurt. It's a VERY UNIQUE SITUATION.
Usually people know if they are done with you or not. Usually you can say "be with me or let me go!" In this situation though there was NOTHING wrong with our relationships to our lovers...they were dream-like...amazing...life-altering. It's killing us all to have to go through this. However without their marriage (or ours) then we cannot have what we have...or ANY version of it. We've all declared that no one wants a platonic relationship at the end of this. So it's some form of lovers or nothing.
The ONE question I NEED answered I cannot get an answer to. That question is...will they be willing to resume a romantic relationship with us?
I am having the hardest time treading water until I get that answer. I feel like I need to let go. I can let go of HOW we managed our love with them but I CANNOT BRING MYSELF to let go of that love...mostly because there is still very real hope. The problem for me is, that hope hinges upon something completely outside my control. How do I deal for the next three weeks????
I cannot imagine, after how deep we touched each other and what we shared, that they will choose to give us up. Especially if they get their marriage back on track. My wife has texted with my lover and me with the husband. They both sound like there is a LOT of healing going on and they both miss us like crazy, crazy, crazy. They won't tell us it's over...which gives me hope. But they can't tell us we will resume which both threatens my hope and invokes MASSIVE amounts of compassion for where they have been driven to in their marriage. I just love them SO FUCKING MUCH and don't want to lose them and the opportunity to love them every day for a long, long time.
Hence...VERY HARD TIMES. I'm sorry to dump a load of crap all over the board but I needed to release it.
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