question about information sharing

B

beautychateau4you

New member
My lover said he has stopped sharing when he is with his other lover and vice versa.

He said myself and the other woman become jealous and he is feeling conflicted despite we have said we want to know.

I think being vague isn’t being open and honest.

He said if we ask him directly if he is with X, he would answer truthfully (hopefully) but wont opening share – “I’m going to the movies with X tonight” if asked what are his plans for tonight – he will just say “I’m out”.

It isn’t right for me to interrogate. When I learn later mostly from the other woman because she has no problems telling me about her weekend with him, I do feel left out he couldn’t tell me about his exciting plans. We use to share about our past dates and sexual experiences, not direct details but enough to share a bond over our shared interests.

I have expressed I would like a “Hey, I am spending time with X this weekend and I would love to see you next week” but it seems he is afraid based on how I may or may not react.

Every poly relationship is different but could this arrangement be healthy?
 
My lover said he has stopped sharing when he is with his other lover and vice versa.
Click to expand...

What made him stop? The other partner has a cow and to make it "fair" he's stopped sharing on either side?

He said myself and the other woman become jealous and he is feeling conflicted despite we have said we want to know.
Click to expand...

What was your past reaction? Did you have a cow?

And even if you were jealous or something in the past.... have you asked him something like this...

"Hon, how am I supposed to demonstrate that I can handle things differently than I did in the past so you can relax if you don't actually give chance to show it?

I don't need to know deep details. It would just be nice to hear "Hey, I am spending time with X this weekend and I would love to see you next week” rather than a vague "I'm out" and then here from my meta that you were out with them.​

Galagirl
 
Hello beautychateau4you,

It is possible for there to be a healthy relationship where the details are not shared, e.g., just, "I'm out," instead of, "I'm going to the movies with X tonight." However in your situation, you seem to prefer to be told the (basic) details, and he is refusing to do that. He says you get jealous, is that true? Would it help if you didn't get jealous? What if you could manage the jealousy better, would that encourage him to share more? Here are some links that may help:

Can I ask, if you get jealous, what does that feel like? Are there unfair things that he does that would make you feel jealous? Seriously, sometimes jealousy is a telling and necessary emotion. It might be alerting you to the fact that you are not being treated right. So think about what might be causing you to feel jealous. Is it something he does? something you do? something in your past? something else? Exploring your jealousy is the first step toward managing it.

On the other hand, if you do not get jealous, then he is making that up, and there is a question as to why he is thinking such things. Does he want to be secretive? Is *he* uncomfortable with telling you how it is? If so, why?

These are just some of my initial thoughts, hopefully you can post again and I can work more with that information.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
beautychateau4you said:
My lover said he has stopped sharing when he is with his other lover and vice versa.

He said the other woman and I become jealous, and he is feeling conflicted, despite us having said we want to know.

I think being vague isn’t being open and honest.

He said if we ask him directly if he is with X, he would answer truthfully (hopefully) but won't openly share, “I’m going to the movies with X tonight.” If asked what are his plans for tonight, he will just say “I’m out."

(He said) It isn’t right for me to interrogate. When I learn later, mostly from the other woman (because she has no problems telling me about her weekend with him), I do feel left out, that he couldn’t tell me about his exciting plans. We use to share about our past dates and sexual experiences, not direct details, but enough to share a bond over our shared interests.

I have expressed I would like a “Hey, I am spending time with X this weekend and I would love to see you next week,” but it seems he is afraid based on how I may or may not react.

Every poly relationship is different, but could this arrangement be healthy?
Click to expand...

I find it easier to use nicknames for partners and metamours, rather than "my bf, the other woman." It's in our guidelines to do this. I will call bf John and his other gf Madison. You can pick other names, if you want.

It sounds like you and Madison are friends, or at least acquaintances that talk often. Madison tells you when she and John have dates, and fills you in on what activities they did. And nowadays, you're OK with this. Maybe you weren't before.

It sounds like you and Madison have made progress in "sharing" John. John seems to be upset at former acting out, reflecting jealousy, by you and Madison. Is that correct?

GG uses a term, "had a cow." If you have English as a second language you may not know that means, "be upset." Were you and Madison being upset when with John, hearing about the dates and activities he had with the other woman? But now, you're no longer acting upset? But John is still afraid you will be? So now he's decided, on his own, not to tell you ANYTHING about his dates with Madison, and vice versa, even though you'd rather he'd at least say, "I'm out with Madison, we are going out to dinner, I will be spending the night," or whatever it is?

It's common with poly people, to NOT want their sexual details shared with a metamour. Some couples do find it exciting to hear about the sex each partner has with others. Some don't want to know. Even though you may have liked hearing about John's sex with Madison, maybe he no longer feels comfortable "kissing and telling." Maybe she doesn't want him to tell you how she is in bed. Maybe she doesn't want to hear about how you are in bed.

This isn't a black and white situation. Everyone does poly the way it feels right for them.

Please feel free to clarify around any of this.
 
People get to decide what works for them. I am sure that some people would be just fine with this level of information.

I would not be. Negotiate for what you want and consider how important it actually is to you.
 
beautychateau4you said:
My lover said he has stopped sharing when he is with his other lover and vice versa ... Every poly relationship is different but could this arrangement be healthy?
Click to expand...
The short answer is "No, it's not very likely that the situation you describe is healthy." But then I'm guessing you already know that, and that's why you've reached out for help. Just repeat the mantra: "Honesty, Appreciation, Respect, Communication" and the answers will become clearer and clearer.
 
I was able to talk to my partner, I said how will I be able to grow and learn if he doesn't give me the opportunity by withholding information. So he agreed to say "I am spending time with X tonight and I would love to see you another time" or something like that whether if i ask what is he doing later or he will volunteer his upcoming plans so i know he is unavailable. I will do my best to remain calm and neutral. Thank you all for your insight. I hope it works out.
 
I will wait for a few weeks before praising him if he is able to do it. I had explained to him this issue is important to me because I won't feel emotionally fulfilled in the relationship if he is consciously choosing to withhold information.

I do not restrict his activities or give him rules, I just ask to be open and honest with me, plus have a good time ;)
 
Glad to hear there's been some progress. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top