Question about starting a family in a poly or swinger relationship

[Prairiegirl11]

Hi there,

I'm new but have been exploring the NYC swinging scene lately.

I'm curious, how do you manage starting a family with someone if you are swingers or have other partners? Does anyone have any experience with this (co-parenting, deciding to put a hold on other relationships, etc.). I'm curious as to how family life looks for partners who choose to be parents together.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It depends on how the polycule or network is structured. Other partners may be primary or secondary caregivers or they may never meet the child. It depends on the desires of the people involved.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi there,

I'm new but have been exploring the NYC swinging scene lately.

I'm curious, how do you manage starting a family with someone if you are swingers or have other partners? Does anyone have any experience with this (co-parenting, deciding to put a hold on other relationships, etc.). I'm curious as to how family life looks for partners who choose to be parents together.

Just so you know, swinging and polyamory are vastly different.

That said, we have had tons of great discussions here about raising kids while doing polyamory. You may get some good responses on this thread, but please do take advantage of our group's previous discussions by doing a search for "poly and kids," or other similar terms. We also have several members with kids who blog regularly in our Journal section. Take a look!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Prairiegirl11,

When you say, "starting a family," I gather that you mostly mean, "bringing children into the picture." In poly, you can have more than two people acting as parents in one home. You can also have one or more people who date other people outside the home. You just have to be careful with that part because children need lots of time and attention, and in many cases, there isn't much time leftover for dating (let alone poly dating). This is the reason why some people put a hold on swinging, or on other relationships. But not everyone does that. Different people handle becoming a family differently, and there isn't one right way to do it. Here's a few other threads you might find helpful.

• Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion (General Poly Discussions, 398 posts, 2009-2015)
• Poly Parents And Poly Kids Article (General Poly Discussions, 9 posts, 2009-2010)
• kids in the mix (General Poly Discussions, 10 posts, 2012)
• Handling Kids (Poly Relationships Corner, 11 posts, 2013)
• Raising kids in a poly relationship (Poly Relationships Corner, 26 posts, 2014)
• What about the Kids? (General Poly Discussions, 207 posts, 2014-2016)
• Question about parenting a poly partner's child. (Poly Relationships Corner, 9 posts, 2014)
• Poly and kids (General Poly Discussions, 10 posts, 2014)
• Polyamory with children (Poly Relationships Corner, 18 posts, 2016)
• Children Of A Poly Relationship (Fireplace, 23 posts, 2017-2018)
• Having children with multiple partners (General Poly Discussions, 11 posts, 2017)
• Polyamory and Parenting (General Poly Discussions, 23 posts, 2018)
• Children outside of a primary partnership (Poly Relationships Corner, 10 posts, 2018)

Let us know how else we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I lost interest in swinging before I was ready to have kids so no advice on that front other than - most swingers I've encountered seem to take a break from the scene one they're actively trying to conceive and usually come back, if still interested, once done breastfeeding at the earliest but often not until kids were school aged with more options for childcare/ sleepovers while the parents were out. That's just the trend I noticed.

As for poly... hubby chose to walk away from a very young relationship when I got pregnant. Boy and I got MORE serious when I got pregnant. None of us dated while I was pregnant (minus one date that Boy went on but when I was home alone crying because I'd had a terrible day at work and didn't tell him until later because he was out, he felt terrible that he wasn't available and chose not to date again for a while). Little girl was probably a year or so old before anyone dated again.

Hubby and I are the parents, but Boy is very involved. He and little girl video chat when she hasn't seen him for a while. He is the go to childcare for my date nights with hubby. He disciplined and soothes and plays. He was there for part of my labor, barely missed the actual birth due to work.

Hubby's other partners at various times are NOT as involved. Lady, who he currently partnered to, has been around off and on as long as Boy has but not as consistently nor as often. Little girl is not comfortable with her at all, beyond general "I'll play with anyone mom and dad let me because I'm a kid and love attention" stuff. We do not try to hide our relationships, so she sees us cuddle and kiss people. She isn't traumatized yet.

It just depends on the relationships, though. Hubby and Boy get along great, and none of us believe in theoretical hierarchy (like hubby isn't primary while boyfriend is secondary - instead they're both my partners and get treated as fairly as possible while recognizing some scheduling priority and the like comes with sharing home, kid, finances).

 

[vinsanity0]

I look at swinging as more of a recreational activity. Since it's usually a couples activity, it would be difficult to get out much. It would be a good idea to not have strangers coming into your house for sex if there are children there. Kids really put a damper on a couple's social life.

If a couple is poly, then obviously one partner can stay home with the kids while the other goes out. Again, you don't want to have strangers being around your kids. If you have established partners, there are many ways it can go. That would be up to all the parties involved.