Question/Advice. Is it over the line?

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle with poly hell kinds of things and she isn't helping anything with her behavior.

The result was accusations that I didn't want her to explore her bi side, trying to make me decide on whether or not she stayed with GF(which would not be good based on how the conversation went), anger at my reaction to the situation, and a bunch of other stuff.

I'm sorry she's hurling accusations at you. This isn't about her and her choices. I'm sorry she cannot see that.

This is about your well being and and your choice to poly. You tried it on and find out that you don't like it and want out. You need healing. You have changed your mind. That is fair : You are in charge of your choices, and she is in charge of hers.

She's free to keep on exploring whatever. She doesn't have to be acting out at you just because she doesn't like where your choices are leading right now. You aren't happy about that either, but you do need to heal.

This is why I am as I said stuck. I love my wife but I don't like the situation.

I see that you don't love the situation.

If she keeps hurling accusations at you, instead of approaching conflict resolution in a calmer manner, that is her choice.

As sad as it is, you are not stuck riding "the poly bus." You can choose to get off the bus. That is your choice.

Either I will get better or I may need to move on in the end because I can't stay this way forever

That is correct. If you decide you want to ride the bus for another month or similar to see if it gets better, that's your choice.

If you decide to get off the bus, that is also your choice.

Both are hard. So all that is left is for you to pick you hard. There is no rose smelling choice here.

Again, I'm sorry. It's a tough spot to be in.


Galagirl

 

[malsjoh]

Well I just made worse. I was trying to be OK but GF was more important than family dinner, GF was supposed to clear out before dinner not 20 minutes after it was done.

More agreements out the window again tonight. I am so done with that. So very done.

Rant over. I have to get my stuff together I am far out of whack now.

 

[Savant]

Maybe what would be best for you would be if you took a 'break' from your marriage--a trial separation. Perhaps you can ask your wife if she can stay over at the GF's place for a week and give you some time alone to think.

This will also help the wife understand just how serious this is, and it will let the GF know just what kind of impact she is having on her lover's marriage.

You seem really stressed out, and I can't see any good coming from this in your current state.

 

[malsjoh]

Maybe what would be best for you would be if you took a 'break' from your marriage--a trial separation. Perhaps you can ask your wife if she can stay over at the GF's place for a week and give you some time alone to think.

This will also help the wife understand just how serious this is, and it will let the GF know just what kind of impact she is having on her lover's marriage.

You seem really stressed out, and I can't see any good coming from this in your current state.

I have thought that. I was possibly going to suggest it tonight. But the mood is not right at all.

I also think my wife broke it off so now it will be my fault, I can already hear the lets figure it out from her but really I will get a kick in the pants for opening my mouth.

 

[Savant]

I also think my wife broke it off so now it will be my fault, I can already hear the lets figure it out from her but really I will get a kick in the pants for opening my mouth.

It's not your fault though. You never caused this to happen. It was her choice and her relationship. She's an adult and can make her own decision.

Honestly, I think you should take a break either way. If she did indeed break it off, then maybe grab a hotel for a week. Otherwise you'll just end up taking heat for something that wasn't your fault. If she wasn't willing to abide by your agreement, she never should have made it. If it was an unreasonable agreement, she never should have made it. She went into this with her eyes wide open.

The only thing you are 'guilty' of is of trying to make your wife happy by giving her the opportunity to broaden her sexual horizons. If anything, she should be thanking you, not blaming you.

One way or another, do something--even if only for a night away from her--to give yourself a break. You would be surprised how things can be put into perspective by something as simple as spending a night (or more) apart.

Anyway, don't blame yourself, and don't let her blame you. If she tries to blame you, just say "All I wanted was to stick to our agreement. I don't think that was too much to ask."

 

[malsjoh]

Savant thanks for the encouragement, although I feel like hell. I am going to try to talk with my wife tonight and see where she is at. Hoping for a good outcome.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope the talk is productive. Don't do it too soon though -- maybe wait a few days so both people are not hot under the collar. It's hard to have a productive conversation when emotions are flaring high. I agree with Savant. Regardless of whether or not she's broken up with the GF, you might want some time apart from wife to get your head clear and rest before talking.

I also think my wife broke it off so now it will be my fault, I can already hear the lets figure it out from her but really I will get a kick in the pants for opening my mouth.

The agreement was GF out of here before family dinner. Not 20 min after the dinner. It's not that hard an agreement to keep, TBH. So your wife did not keep her agreement and did not scoot the GF out in timely fashion. If she tries to blame you for HER behavior in that situation? Say "No. When you make dinner agreements, I expect you to keep them. When you break dinner agreements, that is YOU breaking agreements. You could not make the agreement in the first place. Or you could own that you messed up, apologize, and then change your behavior in future on dinner agreements. You do not act out and blame me for your doings."

There's a lot of "Flip it around on you" going on here. You don't have to stand for that.

If she's blaming you for "making her break up with GF" -- you haven't. She could choose to continue with GF. She could choose not continue with GF. That is also her choice and her behavior.

The conversation at hand is not about the GF, but about the MARRIAGE. Wife wants Open marriage so she can poly. You tried it on for bit and find you don't like it and prefer Closed marriage.

You no longer want to participate in polyamory. If wife still wants to poly, then where does that leave the state of the union? Probably breaking up because over time you two have become incompatible. You each want different things from marriage than when you first made the vows. It happens. People change over time.

If she wants a marriage where she can poly and you want one where you have your spouse to yourself? Then I think the healthiest thing to do is try to part ways peacefully rather than keep trying to fly a kite that will not fly.

In post #6 you were talking about being so depressed you need medication. Def go get a check up, and get yourself out of this situation so you can start to heal. Keeping you in this situation under severe stress is not the way to heal.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

@ malsjoh ... the more I read about your situation, the worse I realize it is. Your wife is basically bullying you. And gaslighting you. You could try marriage counseling but if that fails, I don't know what to suggest shy of divorce.