question for new poly

S

shadowr

New member
Hi everyone!

I just thought I would put my current situation out there and see if anyone could help with any advice. I have started dating a girl that I have been friends with for a while. It’s been about a month and is not official, but we are at a place where we are looking at our compatibility and if our values align.

She is poly. She has a current girlfriend and considers herself non-hierarchal and solo poly. My last relationship was monogamous. However, the one prior to that was poly, and we were nesting/primary partners.

I am very open to a poly relationship. I experience compersion and I like that feeling, as well as the freedom that comes with it, so that’s not a concern.

I am okay with not being a “primary” partner, as I’m in a very healing part of my life and need space for myself.

My only concern is that I one day want to get married, and I don’t see how that could work with someone who is non-hierarchical. If I continue this, am I compromising my own wants in life? Is there a world where this ends happily?

P.S. I know it is very early for these kinds of discussions, but it’s important to the both of us that we don’t get ahead of ourselves without considering compatibility.
 
Why can't you be in a relationship with her and also stay open to finding a nesting partner?
 
Could you see this as your happy ending?
 
Go and enjoy the solo poly non hierarchy person without fear that you're closing any doors.

Of course, you would limit some options for a future nesting partner as all the mono people will be incompatible for you being a hinge, but that will just help you find the really right person/s for you.
 
Hello shadowr,

If you are poly, you can keep dating this girl, and at the same time marry someone else. Do you see this as a possible solution to your dilemma? If so I would suggest you keep dating this girl, and just see if you and she are compatible in other respects.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I mean everyone’s right about this not actually being a deal-breaker… but in the meantime, another thing you might consider is “what does being married mean to you?” Is it the legal status, is it nesting, is it about stability for potential children… why do you want “generally” to be married despite not having met anyone you want to be married _to_ yet? (I’m sorry if that comes off as aggressive, I don’t mean it to be - there’s nothing wrong with _wanting_ to go up the relationship escalator, I’m just pointing out there are a lot of different aspects to it and it’s useful to examine them.)
 
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