Question

[Wildorchid]

Hi guys
I need an advise or a support.

I need to find someone in similar to mine situation to talk.

My bf loves threesomes. We have a lover.
But sometimes he needs more sex than I can give him for ex I want to sleep after some point and he wants to get some drugs and continue.

Then he calls for escort girls and continues in the next door room in our house while I’m asleep.

He says he didn’t want to wake me up. That he loves me. And this is just sex. And I understand that there’s no feeling with those girls . But deep inside I feel like this is not right. I can’t understand if this is the social norms talking inside of my head or if it’s reallly not normal this situation…

I need to find someone in the same situation to give an advise on how to take it. I’m a bit lost

I can’t discuss this with my friends. Only my sister knows. And she says it’s not normal. But she’s not in my shoes. And I’m here now trying to find someone at least one toe in my shoe.

 

[Magdlyn]

I can't tell from you post if this is a "normal" situation or not. Here are some questions to break this down.

How long have you been with this bf?
How long have you been living together?
How often per week, for how much time per session, do you enjoy sex?
How often per week, for how much time per session, does your bf enjoy sex?
How often per week, for how much time per session, does your shared gf enjoy sex?
How many times per week is your bf hiring sex workers to come into your shared home to give him more sex than his two gfs are willing or able to do?
Can he afford to pay the sex workers, or is his desire exceeding his ability to pay for the professionals?
Is your bf practicing safer sex and birth control with you, the gf and the professionals?
Is he neglecting his adult responsibilities such as working, household care, quality non-sexual time with you, etc., to have sex instead?
Did you know at the beginning of your relationship that you and bf had an uncomfortably large difference in libido?
Would you rather be with someone who is satisfied with you, sexually and otherwise, and be willing to monoamorous instead of having an open relationship?

 

[LaminarFlow]

Hi Wildorchid, welcome!

Polyamory is about love, loyalty and commitment. This situation is no such thing.

I'm all for sex positivity, and people should do whatever they want without hurting others. But if YOU do not consent him having sex with escorts, make it known. If you want to keep it as you and the lover you already have, share your boundaries. Does your BF not agree, then you're not compatible and you should find a partner that wants the same things as you.

I know enough ENM/poly people who are consenting their partners going with escorts or sex workers. You are not one of them.

Edit: or do you prefer you keep it in the home with you and Lover, and BF should seek the additional sex elsewhere and outside, so you have your rest and peace?

 

[KND]

I'm not in a similar situation. The opposite really, but I can tell you how I look at things like this, whether it's about sex or anything else in a relationship, and maybe is what LaminarFlow is getting at.

IMO, without regard to kink:

We set out boundaries (which are not unchangeable but should be well considered), and discuss them with others. Through that discussion, the people in our lives make their choice of how they can respect our boundaries. If this works out, we end up in a strong place. If not, we end up in a strong place.

My suggestion is to really think through where you stand on the issue, then have a discussion, and make your choice out of that discussion. I take it, this may be why you are in the forum and seeking feedback. Good move.

Another way of looking at this is from the perspective of a roommate more than a lover. Even if we are in a deep loving relationship, when we live together, we are also roommates. Ask yourself if this is a relationship problem or a roommate problem. Is it the noise, inconsiderate behavior, invasion of your privacy, etc., as it would be if it he were only a roommate? Or, is it the feelings about your lover? Perhaps, it is a mix. But clarifying this may help you find a path forward.

 

[Wildorchid]

Polyamory is about love, loyalty and commitment. This situation is no such thing. I'm all for sex positivity, and people should do whatever they want without hurting others. But if YOU do not consent him having sex with escorts, make it known. If you want to keep it with you and the lover you already have, share your boundaries. Does your BF not agree, then you're not compatible and you should find a partner that wants the same things as you.

I know enough ENM/poly people who are consenting their partners going with escorts or sex workers. You are not one of them.

Thank you for your reply!

I just need to understand that there are people like that who consent to this, because I haven’t ever met anyone like that. And that makes me think I’m not right. Because no one does it.

Maybe I need to tell myself that it’s ok for him to do that and it will make everything easier. And I will get used to that. I’m somewhere in the middle between being against and for it.

Other than that issue, everything is good in the relationship. He is taking all his responsibilities. Fully covering all my financial needs. Calls my son his son. We have been together for two years now.

 

[Wildorchid]

I'm not in a similar situation. The opposite really, but I can tell you how I look at things like this whether it's about sex or anything else in a relationship and maybe is what LaminarFlow is getting at.

IMO, without regard to kink:

We set out boundaries (which are not unchangeable but should be well considered); discuss them with others. Through that discussion, the people in our lives make their choice of how they can respect our boundaries. If this works out, we end up in a strong place. If not, we end up in a strong place.

My suggestion is to really think through where you stand on the issue, then have a discussion, then make your choice out of that discussion. I take it, this may be why you are in the forum and seeking feedback. Good move.

Another way of looking at this is from the perspective of a roommate more than a lover. Even if we are in a deep loving relationship, when we live together, we are also roommates. Ask yourself if this is a relationship problem or a roommate problem. Is it the noise, inconsiderate behavior, invasion of your privacy, etc. as it would be if it he was only a roommate? Or, is it the feelings about your lover. Perhaps, it is a mix, but clarifying this may help find a path forward.

When I think about it with my head and logic and understanding, it’s ok with me, because he loves me and I feel his feelings, and whatever happens with others is just physical, like a massage for him. That’s how he takes it. Also he does it only when he is not sober. So after he gets sober he starts to tell me it wasn’t him, that it was his demon side just having fun.

So really I think I just want to find here some proof that there are actually couples that allow their partners this kind of fun. And to see how they take this in their head. Maybe that would become as a support for me to accept it.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Thank you for your reply!
I just need to understand that there are people like that who consent this. Because I haven’t ever met anyone like that. And that makes me think I’m not right. Because no one does it:..

Just because someone else does it and consents to it, doesn't mean you really have to. Especially not in your own home.

Maybe I need to tell myself that it’s ok for him to do that and it will make everything easier.

No, you don't have to. If you're not okay it, it should be end of.

And I will get used to that. I’m somewhere in the middle between being against and for it.

If you are really somewhere in the middle. You could have a DADT arrangement (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) on the sex with escorts.

You keep it open with your BF and Lover, and you request for BF to seek the sex outside the home and not tell you about it. Or just minimal information.
Could you be supportive of this arrangement or do you prefer BF doesn't meet escorts at all?

Otherwise than that issue everything is good in the relationship. He is taking all his responsibilities. Fully covering all my financial needs.

I'm glad everything is on par with your wants and needs in other aspects of your life. Hopefully you will reach a consensus about this with your partner soon.

Calls my son his son. We have been together for two years now.

How old is your son? What kind of drugs is your partner doing with these escorts in the presence of your kid? This doesn't sound like responsible parenting.

 

[Wildorchid]

I can't tell from you post if this is a "normal" situation or not. Here are some questions to break this down.

How long have you been with this bf?
How long have you been living together?
How often per week, for how much time per session, do you enjoy sex?
How often per week, for how much time per session, does your bf enjoy sex?
How often per week, for how much time per session, does your shared gf enjoy sex?
How many times per week is your bf hiring sex workers to come into your shared home to give him more sex than his two gfs are willing or able to do?
Can he afford to pay the sex workers, or is his desire exceeding his ability to pay for the professionals?
Is your bf practicing safer sex and birth control with you, the gf and the professionals?
Is he neglecting his adult responsibilities such as working, household care, quality non-sexual time with you, etc., to have sex instead?
Did you know at the beginning of your relationship that you and bf had an uncomfortably large difference in libido?
Would you rather be with someone who is satisfied with you, sexually and otherwise, and be willing to monoamorous instead of having an open relationship?

Thank you!

 

[Wildorchid]

Just because someone else does it and consents to it, doesn't mean you really have to. Especially not in your own home.


No, you don't have to. If you're not okay it, it should be end of.

If you are really somewhere in the middle. You could have a DADT arrangement on the sex with escorts.

You keep it open with your BF and Lover, and you request for BF to seek the sex outside the home and not tell you about it. Or just minimal information.

I'm glad everything is on par with your wants and needs in other aspects of your life. Hopefully you will reach a consensus about this with your partner soon.

From the very beginning I told him I want to know everything. I don’t want to find out from others that he sleeps with someone. I prefer to know the real situation.

 

[LaminarFlow]

From the very beginning I told him I want to know everything. I don’t want to find out from others that he sleeps with someone. I prefer to know the real situation.

Then you could request he doesn't bring them home and tell you about it.

I edited my message, and you might not have seen it. But how old is your son? And what kind of drugs is your partner doing in the presence of your kid with the escorts?

 

[KND]

When I think about it with my head and logic and understanding, it’s ok with me, because he loves me and I feel his feelings. And whatever happens with others is just physical, like a massage for him. That’s how he takes it. Also he does it only when he is not sober. So when he gets sober he starts to tell me it wasn’t him, that it was his demon side just having fun.

So really I think I just want to find here some proof that there are actually couples that allow their partners this kind of fun. And to see how they take this in their head. Maybe that would become as a support for me to accept it.

Ah. I can tell you are thinking through this. Feeling through too.

So, you are asking what others would do. I understand that.

In my life, I would not allow what he does, particularly only when not-sober, in my space (a roommate problem) as it is opening me up to many dangers and risks. From a relationship POV, I may not have an issue with a lover that needed more sex than I could give finding it elsewhere. I have thought about this before your question. I wouldn't have any problem with their sex drive. What I would need to figure out is if I was ok with them needing more than I could give. That would be a personal issue to resolve. I feel ultimately, I would be ok with it- if it was a clear discussion with boundaries for safety and such. If they then decided the boundaries were stifling their needs, and I still had the same boundaries, I would leave the situation.

 

[Wildorchid]

Then you could request he doesn't bring them home and tell you about it.

I edited my message, and you might not have seen it. But how old is your son? And what kind of drugs is your partner doing in the presence of your kid with the escorts?

My son is 7. My bf does weed, sometimes mdma or cocaine. He is one of those people who get really relaxed and kind while using drugs. So from this pov I’m not worried. Also we live in his huge house. And my kid doesn’t know about what’s going on as there are several floors and bedrooms in the house.

 

[LaminarFlow]

My son is 7. My bf does weed, sometimes mdma or cocaine. He is one of those people who get really relaxed and kind while using drugs. So from this pov I’m not worried. Also we live in his huge house. And my kid doesn’t know about what’s going on as there are several floors and bedrooms in the house.

Children most likely know.

I'm pro-recreational drugs (coming from a drug capital myself and experimented), but it gets very concerning having off spring walking around. What if he wakes up and walks to one of the rooms? One mistake or a bad batch and you don't have a kid anymore.

 

[Magdlyn]

When I think about it with my head and logic and understanding, it’s ok with me, because he loves me and I feel his feelings, and whatever happens with others is just physical, like a massage for him. That’s how he takes it. Also he does it only when he is not sober. So after he gets sober he starts to tell me it wasn’t him, that it was his demon side just having fun.

So really I think I just want to find here some proof that there are actually couples that allow their partners this kind of fun. And to see how they take this in their head. Maybe that would become as a support for me to accept it.

You might not find people with this kind of experience (casual drunken sex with sex workers) here, because this is a forum for polyamory, i.e., loving adult relationships including commitment, romance, etc. It's not a place to get much advice on casual sex, or possibly issues with substance abuse.

Of course, some polyamorous people do take part in casual sex and some do have substance abuse problems. I'd say I've seen few questions about buying sex from escorts here, though, over the years. Generally poly people want love with their sex, or at least friendly relationships, not just paid sex workers to bang when they're drunk.

If you feel like your home is being invaded by these "strangers," and you're disturbed by your bf's (over) use of alcohol, that's not a polyamory problem. I'd agree that if you feel uncomfortable, you could request your bf not bring these women home. However, this "excuse" of his that
it's not him doing it, it's his demons, sounds dysfunctional and lacking in responsibility, especially with a young child in the house, who could also see and hear these drunken goings-on. If bf has enough money to support you, and pay for prostitutes, he could probably go to a "no-tell motel" for his sex playtime, instead of bringing it home.

Edited: I just read there's molly, weed and coke involved, as well as alcohol. Hmm... That's quite the lifestyle.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Wildorchid,

I would suggest less comparison with what is "normal" in society, and more contemplation about what is or isn't okay with you personally. Technically there isn't anything wrong with him getting escort girls, that is, not as long as you consent to him doing that. Do you consent? Not does society approve, but how do you personally feel about it laying the rest of society aside? Is it unusual? probably not all that unusual, or escort girls wouldn't exist. Do you base your consent on normality? It's your right to make that call. I kind of get the impression you don't like it on a deep-down personal level, and that has nothing to do with how society feels or what society normally does. Perhaps you feel like his using escort girls takes away from his love for you?

Without society's norms, what standard is there for "not normal?" Is "abnormal" a better word? like it's a violation against nature? Is it something a normal human wouldn't do? and if that's the case, I still don't believe that that matters. Normal is overrated. Without outliers, we wouldn't have evolution, so in that sense abnormal is a natural part of the order of things. Maybe you don't so much mean abnormal as you do immoral. Like the use of escort girls hurts somebody against their consent. Well there you may have a point, as I get the idea it's hurting you against your consent. I'll assume he's telling the truth when he says it's "just sex," but I still think he should show more consideration for your feelings, and more respect for your consent. That's what's wrong with this.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.