Questions/rambling

[secondchance]

Hello All,

I just joined the forum tonight. I have been thinking about polyamory for a few years now, but as I am in a long-term, monogamous relationship with someone who definitely is NOT open to seeing other people, I have never looked into it. She is very unreceptive to the idea. But circumstances have changed, and I think it is finally time to explore these feelings.

I just have a few questions and would like some input on my opinions. I also am impressed with anyone who reads this through to the end.

I speak mostly from my opinions, having had very few experiences. I may be wrong. I have never been in a poly relationship. I've only fooled around casually. But I also think of polyamory the same way as how I know I am bisexual... You just know, even before you try.

I feel it is possible to be completely in love with one person while still being able to date another. I feel that I can separate love and casual dating/sex, and still maintain a relationship with this special person while exploring my feelings with others who may come along. I have done this on more than one occasion and already know I can handle that.

Who decided that humans are a monogamous species, anyway? It is socially the norm, obviously. But where did that come from? Just the jealousy and insecurities that most people have? With all the cheating going on in the world, maybe monogamy is just not meant to be.

I am not sure if I could be in love with two people at once, but am not ruling out the option. I have been reading about people having primaries and secondaries, and I am really relieved that I am not the only one who feels this might be acceptable for future relationships.

One of my main concerns is jealousy. I am very insecure and very jealous of non-sexual partners, so I am scared that will ruin any future sexual relationships. But no matter how scared I am of this, I think that people should work on their jealousy rather than keeping their partner all to themselves.

I think that honesty is one of the most important things that holds a relationship together. Lack of honesty and trust is a major part of what drove my current partner and me apart. I still love her as one of my best friends, and when we break up I am going to miss her like crazy.

I look forward to your input.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Whether you are wired to be monogamous or not is an individual thing. It's like being gay or straight. You simply are or aren't.

Acting monogamously is usually a social programming thing which makes people conform, like denying your true sexual identity and pretending to be straight.

It's best that you find someone who fits into your life, but keep an open mind towards others that don't have relationships the way you want to. Jealousy and insecurity are not the main reason mono-wired people aren't poly. It's merely a nature thing.

That would be like me saying selfishness and nymphomania are why people are poly. How insulting is that?

Good luck, my friend. I hope you find your way.

 

[secondchance]

Sorry, wasn't trying to be insulting at all. Of course I respect everyone's choices. I just kind of think that maybe some people haven't explored the option of poly because it doesn't cross their minds as something that would be possible. If everyone could feel secure, why not trust your partner to go on a date? Maybe more humans than we thought are wired this way? Just an idea...

But hey, maybe this is just me trying to have the mindset of, "The world would be so much easier if..." I remember bringing up a similar point ten years ago when I was first realizing that I was bi.

Again, sorry if this came off as rude. I am REALLY bad at explaining things sometimes.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

No worries, my friend. I get a bit touchy when discussing the motivation of why people live and act certain ways, without covering both the social and natural wiring aspect of each. Kind of like how two people could have totally different ideas of a utopian world. This is something I am working on. I will get better... I promise!

 

[secondchance]

I get a bit touchy when discussing the motivation of why people live and act certain ways without covering both the social and natural wiring aspect of each. Kind of like how two people could have totally different ideas of a utopian world. It's something I am working on...

Heh, it's good to discuss all aspects!

 

[vandalin]

Who decided that humans are a monogamous species, anyway? It is socially the norm, obviously. But where did that come from? Just the jealousy and insecurities that most people have? With all the cheating going on in the world, maybe monogamy is just not meant to be.

Well, take out the nature aspect and you could probably narrow this down to religion. But I'm one of those people who think most organized religions are about control, which is why I don't belong to one.

 

[redpepper]

There is a lot on this forum that has addressed the topics you have mentioned. Have a good look around. The threads are often very inspiring, informative and thought-provoking. If anything specific comes up in the way of questions unanswered, I look forward to the challenge of giving my opinion.