Quite new and could use some feedback
- Thread starter Whither
- Start date
Hi Whither,
My guess would be he is probably blaming you, as I know he didn't like you. But why put stock in his opinion? Lord knows he's not going to assign any blame to himself -- regardless of whether that's where the blame belongs. The bottom line is he chose to break up. You didn't choose that for him, you were trying to make things work (in a way that was fair to all three of you).
My guess is that he broke up because poly doesn't work for him. He did not like sharing your wife with you. To him, you were unwelcome competition. Which is why he was inclined to paint you in the worst possible light. You mentioned he was an older gentleman. Maybe for that reason he took a more traditional view of things, and somewhere in his subconscious, poly was wrong from the start.
Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
My guess would be he is probably blaming you, as I know he didn't like you. But why put stock in his opinion? Lord knows he's not going to assign any blame to himself -- regardless of whether that's where the blame belongs. The bottom line is he chose to break up. You didn't choose that for him, you were trying to make things work (in a way that was fair to all three of you).
My guess is that he broke up because poly doesn't work for him. He did not like sharing your wife with you. To him, you were unwelcome competition. Which is why he was inclined to paint you in the worst possible light. You mentioned he was an older gentleman. Maybe for that reason he took a more traditional view of things, and somewhere in his subconscious, poly was wrong from the start.
Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
Well, it seems he is not only angry with me and blaming me, but mostly at her for going along, ignoring his needs, etc. It seems he is furious to the point where she feels he despises her.
I've never actually seen a cycle of love-bombing, devaluation and discard. I know that I only have part of the picture, and that I am by no means neutral, maybe wishing for this to be true on a certain level, but this looks very much like that cycle to me. Only as a TikTok version.
The really bad thing is that, when I am hurt and feel discarded/unseen, I sometimes write angry messages, too. Regardless of the fact that I do not feel that way and repeatedly tried to communicate that, these messages sometimes give her the impression that I have a very bad image of her. This is a failure of mine, in some way exacerbated by some of her (for want of a better word) issues. Apparently, his tirades remind her of those messages. So instead of being angry, she now doubts herself, because "we" might be right.
Bloody hell.
Well, I think I found the thing I need to work on most urgently once I find a therapist.
I've never actually seen a cycle of love-bombing, devaluation and discard. I know that I only have part of the picture, and that I am by no means neutral, maybe wishing for this to be true on a certain level, but this looks very much like that cycle to me. Only as a TikTok version.
The really bad thing is that, when I am hurt and feel discarded/unseen, I sometimes write angry messages, too. Regardless of the fact that I do not feel that way and repeatedly tried to communicate that, these messages sometimes give her the impression that I have a very bad image of her. This is a failure of mine, in some way exacerbated by some of her (for want of a better word) issues. Apparently, his tirades remind her of those messages. So instead of being angry, she now doubts herself, because "we" might be right.
Bloody hell.
Well, I think I found the thing I need to work on most urgently once I find a therapist.
I suppose it's good to see what issues you do have, even if they're not directly related to this current situation. One thing that's becoming clear to me, is that this guy is not a good dating partner, he is surrounded by landmines and she stepped on a couple of them. She probably doesn't realize it, but I think she actually dodged the bullet by him breaking up with her. She needs to find someone a little more tolerant and forgiving than him. In the meantime, yes, work on your own issues as best you can. You're never going to be perfect, you can just work on things a little at a time.
I also think she dodged a bullet. Who needs a man who gets furious about "his needs being ignored" after three weeks of dating.
Anger may yet come as a normal part of grieving.
Btw., nothing wrong with play be play when it comes to your feelings (you're in control of the picture you paint about yourself on the internet), but now that the crisis hopefully slows down a little, you migh want to consider privacy of your wife and not share much about her reactions. The forum is sometimes not as anonymous as you'd like to, and your family's challenges are pretty unique, so someone from your local poly community could recognize you easily. (Guilty as charged for breaking my own advice on that.)
Anger may yet come as a normal part of grieving.
Btw., nothing wrong with play be play when it comes to your feelings (you're in control of the picture you paint about yourself on the internet), but now that the crisis hopefully slows down a little, you migh want to consider privacy of your wife and not share much about her reactions. The forum is sometimes not as anonymous as you'd like to, and your family's challenges are pretty unique, so someone from your local poly community could recognize you easily. (Guilty as charged for breaking my own advice on that.)
Thank you. I will definitely stop writing about her here, especially in this detailed way.
All of you and your perspectives have been really helpful and are much appreciated.
I need to be careful to not over-enthuse because of this positive experience.
I'm so glad it took MUCH less than 6 months for this relationship to blow up!
Give your wife some grace. I think her behavior has largely been the result of this guy being weird right from the beginning. She didn't know how to handle it and now she probably needs time to process everything.
Give your wife some grace. I think her behavior has largely been the result of this guy being weird right from the beginning. She didn't know how to handle it and now she probably needs time to process everything.
Of course. I love her and she is in a terrible place. My whole focus right now is on supporting her (all the focus that is left after caring for the kids, household, work). Cheers.
It looks like this has the best chances to be the winner in the category “prophetic words”.
They're not going to "get back together" for long, though, either.
Sorry about that, I know that's not what you wanted!
Take care of yourself, there may be more of these oscillations to come. "Madly in love" and "relationship shape unsuitable" can be a rollercoaster.
Sometimes people don't approve of a particular metamour, your not alone in that - but I can't think of any good advice about that now
