RA is maybe hinging badly?

N

Noyse

Member
I'm gonna call my oldest poly friend Hope. She is the textbook example of an RA practicing poly person; and as unconventional as our dynamic is we're very important people to each other.

Hope is very much a comet; she has this huge personality, and when she's focused on you, you feel like a million bucks. But she also has this habit of over scheduling herself, and burning out. This has lead to several frustrated people who think she's really into them, but can't get the time/energy they want.

A new person I'm calling Connie has entered our friend group. Me and Connie are seeing each other, and I recently learned that Connie and Hope have talked about starting a dynamic. Connie told me that Hope was very honest about how busy she is with several things at the moment--but I know from Hope that the info that she gave Connie is a month old, and not really relevant anymore.

So far I've been smiling and nodding, but I'm worried about accidentally saying something Connie doesn't know. I know it's not my place to meddle but given what I know, I doubt Hope has enough bandwidth for Connie, and I don't want Connie to get hurt from this.
 
re: Your friend Hope:

Some highly magnetic, "popular" people can be like that, often without even realising it. They just have the kind of personality that attracts people who gravitate toward them and all want "a piece of them". And oftentimes the Hopes of this world are so nice and open and giving that they don't have the heart of draw boundaries or enforce personal limits... leaving others in their social circle frustrated and disappointed. (Occasionally these people get off on knowing they're the centre of many peoples' worlds and that's another issue... )

Now, please don't take this the wrong way, because I'm sure you DO have the best interests of your other friend/new flame, Connie, at heart.

But if you're honest with yourself, Noyse, do you think it's possible that you fear Connie getting involved with Hope because it'll mean she will have less time and attention to devote to you?

Not only that, but it sounds as if you don't fully trust Hope to be 100% honest with Connie, and therefore there's a distinct possibility that any feelings of hurt on Connie's part will not only impact her negatively, but may well spill over into your relationship with her.

It is a difficult situation, granted, but probably not one you can or should try to unduly influence. (Not your monkeys, not your circus.) Then again, if you know for a FACT that Hope has told a blatant lie in order to hook up with Connie, there may be some way to correct that piece of misinformation without meddling or telling Connie what to do, per se.
 
I wonder if this is like...

"I don't want to date Connie if she also dates Hope, because I prefer keeping Hope in my outer ring of friends and not this close to me -- like actually IN my poly network as a meta.

I can put up with her "comet style" and bowing out on plans if she's in my outer ring of friends but not if she is this close to me. If she's outer ring -- her behaviors don't affect me much. As a Meta in my poly network? That is inner ring. At that degree? Her "comet" behaviors and canceling plans on Connie might affect ME a lot -- in making our own plans, in me having to comfort Connie, having to listen to more Hope stuff than I want to listen to etc. "
​

If that is where this is at?

You can either talk to Connie about this if having a "very separate V" is not enough separateness for you. You might enjoy and value Hope in your friend circle but not so much in your poly network.

Like "If you want to date Hope, that's ok. But then I have to bow out because I don't want Hope in my poly network. I can be friendly toward both of you as a dating couple, but I just don't want to be connected to Hope as metas."

Or not talk to Connie and just end it if they do start dating.

Either way Hope is not coming in closer to you. She stays "friend ring" and doesn't become "in my poly network."

Just because you are up for poly doesn't mean you have to be up for EVERYONE being in your poly network.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sceptical of much RA, because IME it has often seemed to be a dodge used to avoid taking responsibility.

It can be somewhat awesome to be "the center of the whirlwind" -- BTDT. ;) To make it last for any length of time, though, takes skills at coordination & scheduling & prioritizing & stuff like that, & the willingness to make it happen & happen well.

Noyse said:
So far I've been smiling and nodding, but I'm worried about accidentally saying something Connie doesn't know.
Click to expand...
If there's something you "can't talk about," then you likely NEED to talk about it -- that's polyamory. If Hope has no boundary there, then there is no boundary to respect.
 
Hi Noyse,

I am thinking that it is okay to warn Connie that Hope tends to overbook herself. Doesn't seem like sharing overly too much information. But once you've told her that, you kind of have to let her take her own risks.

Just my 2¢.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ya'll got several good points, but it's clear I didn't give enough detail:

Lunabunny: It's clear you've known a few Hopes in your life. Solid guess with the possible jealousy over split time, but I dealt with those feelings a few years ago; we've found our common ground, but for a lot of people it's not enough to count as a relationship.

A few years ago I met a BF through Hope, and during that relationship I moved in with Hope for a few months. BF was very excited to have both of us living in the same house, and would often get butt hurt when she was busy with other people or totally burned out and not up for company. He complained to me alot about how he'd invite Hope to spend a day with him, and she'd only have a few hours or wanted to invite other people along. At one point Hope told my BF (with me right there) that 'I realize you're doing your top love language, but when you do X it makes my skin crawl, please stop'. BF stopped for a month, and when he started up again I called him a idiot and limited when he could come over (if only I broke up with him then...).

In sum I think I'm worried of Connie hurting Hope more. Hope wouldn't lie to Connie, I 100% believe that they talked awhile ago, and Connie is giving Hope space because of old data, and Hope hasn't thought of update Connie.

GalaGirl: Funny story, you remember Mary? (It might be time to make one of those signatures.) I had that exact conversation with Connie because she entered our friend group in the middle of the Mary drama, and Mary was/is very taken with Connie. Hope and I are very close now (see me knowing info Connie doesn't). I think I'm mostly worried of old patterns starting up and both of them possibly getting hurt.

On one hand, not my circus even if I rent the monkeys on occasion. On the other hand, could encouraging the two of them chat be a bad thing?
 
I think I'm mostly worried of old patterns starting up and both of them possibly getting hurt.
Click to expand...

I'm gonna go with "caveat emptor." These people are all adults and presumably check things out enough before jumping in. If they don't... is it terrible that they get hurt and learn to? :confused:

If YOU don't want to be Hope's meta, that's one thing. Because then it IS your circus. You get to pick who you want to hang tight with or not. Your emotional management is your job to do.

If you are "pre-worrying" for other people when their emotional management their job to be doing? I think you could step back and let them deal with it/not deal with it. It isn't your circus -- their emotional management is on them.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I wonder if this is like...

"I don't want to date Connie if she also dates Hope, because I prefer keeping Hope in my outer ring of friends and not this close to me -- like actually IN my poly network as a meta.

I can put up with her "comet style" and bowing out on plans if she's in my outer ring of friends but not if she is this close to me. If she's outer ring -- her behaviors don't affect me much. As a Meta in my poly network? That is inner ring. At that degree? Her "comet" behaviors and canceling plans on Connie might affect ME a lot -- in making our own plans, in me having to comfort Connie, having to listen to more Hope stuff than I want to listen to etc. "
​

If that is where this is at?

You can either talk to Connie about this if having a "very separate V" is not enough separateness for you. You might enjoy and value Hope in your friend circle but not so much in your poly network.

Like "If you want to date Hope, that's ok. But then I have to bow out because I don't want Hope in my poly network. I can be friendly toward both of you as a dating couple, but I just don't want to be connected to Hope as metas."

Or not talk to Connie and just end it if they do start dating.

Either way Hope is not coming in closer to you. She stays "friend ring" and doesn't become "in my poly network."

Just because you are up for poly doesn't mean you have to be up for EVERYONE being in your poly network.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

For the record, Lotus said essentially this to Dude about Jane2 when they started dating (old history - in my blog). The poly community in any given area can be quite small so there is inevitable overlap of ex's/meta's at times.

When I accidentally introduced SLeW to MrClean I was concerned about what could happen re: my friendship with each of them if they hit it off and then it didn't work out. And that was WITHOUT having any particular concerns about their relating abilities!

I did speak with both of them about this and basically told them to be aware of what they were telling me - as I have zero interest in keeping secrets or worrying about crossing a line. They each have other friends that they can turn to besides me - I am too close to each of them to be the confidante. (This was an unusual situation for me - most of my friends/lovers/partners are all part of the same social circle already - and everyone "knows everything" already.)
 
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