Realising maybe I'm not poly when it comes to my current partner, but I thought I was at the start of our relationship

[micina]

We met when I was still married to my ex, with whom I had an open and eventually poly relationship, before deciding to separate, as we had grown apart in the 10 years we were together. I always felt compersion for my ex and all his experiences.

So when I met my current partner, he was very transparent about being poly. But we did close the relationship at the start to focus on us. After 2.5 years, he brought up re-opening the relationship and I fully freaked out. I feel like I don't get enough of his time (we only see each other once or twice a week). Now all I can see that I probably won't see him much at all, and togetherness is something that I value. Thinking about him sharing the same affection and emotional closeness that he gives me with someone else, makes me feel sick.

Is it possible to be ok with poly in one relationship and not another? I'm also thinking that my relationship with my ex wasn't the type of love that I needed (affection was one key thing) so I didn't feel that intensity of connection/love with him, hence why it felt "easier." But with my current partner, I've always envisioned him to be my person, the place I can come home to. The fear of being abandoned is just rearing its head so hard now that I feel sick.

I also feel immense guilt if I held him back from his need for connections, even though he has mentioned multiple times that he's ok for us to pause until I'm more ready and feel more secure in our relationship to do so. I just don't want him or me to waste each other's time, waiting for me to figure out if I end up just being mono.

I don't even know what I'm trying to ask at the moment, but any advice would be appreciated.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello micina,

I think maybe open/poly makes sense to you intellectually, but emotionally it isn't right for you. Which is okay, poly isn't for everyone. What you have to figure out is whether you and your current partner have come across an incompatibility that can't be resolved. I know this will be hard to hear, but sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.

I agree it is possible to be poly with one person, but mono with another. You're not doing anything wrong, your feelings are what they are. Or maybe you aren't really poly and you just were able to try it with your ex because that relationship wasn't so fulfilling to you. In any case you can see that you are mono with this partner now.

I hope you can work things out.
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

Your need for time together isn't being met. Maybe if you had more time together, it would feel easier. You could try that for a few months. Or maybe he's willing to find time for reopening elsewhere, allowing your two evenings a week stay intact. You have to talk deeply about your needs and vision now.

 

[Jimmmm]

Your need for time together isn't being met. Maybe if you had more time together, it would feel easier. You could try that for a few months.,Or maybe he's willing to find time for reopening elsewhere, allowing your two evenings a week stay intact. You have to talk deeply about your needs and vision now.

I agree completely, Tinwen.

It seems to me that the issue here for you is not polyamory vs. monoamory, but rather not having enough time with your partner. It makes complete sense to me for you to worry that if your partner were to have another partner, you would have even less time with him. A frank discussion with your partner about this issue would be wise, I think.

 

[GalaGirl]

I feel like I don't get enough of his time (we only see each other once or twice a week). Now all I can see that I probably won't see him much at all, and togetherness is something I value.

I guess you could talk to him. 1-2 dates a week is not enough for you when he isn't seeing other people. How much time will he give you when he is dating other people?

Thinking about him sharing the same affection and emotional closeness that he gives me with someone else makes me feel sick.

Was he dating other people when you were still married to the ex, and you were the hinge between the ex and the current partner? Or would this be the first time he'd actually be dating someone else while also dating you?

Is it that this time, you'd be doing it "on your own," dealing with the current BF dating other people, where before you "had someone back home" in the shape of the ex-husband, so whether the BF was dating other people or not, you had someone home with you? And this time nobody else is home-- it's just you?

But with my current partner, I always envision him to be my person, the place I can come home to. The fear of being abandoned is just rearing its head so hard now that I feel sick.

Where is this abandonment fear coming from?

When was the last time you were totally single and on your own?

I also feel immense guilt if I held him back from his need for connections, even though he has mentioned multiple times that he's ok for us to pause until I'm more ready, and feel more secure in our relationship to do so. I just don't want him or me to waste each other's time, waiting for me to figure out if I end up just being mono.

It would be easy enough to solve this by putting a timeframe around it. If you agree to open again, give it a "trial run" for 6-12 months, with the option to quit earlier if it's just not working out.

You could work with a poly-friendly couples counselor so you'd both have support in this new transition. And perhaps individual sessions for you, if you have abandonment fears.

Then, you make the final call at the end of the trial run, to keep going together with polyamory, go back to closed, or break up.

Or you could end things now, and figure yourself out, while he dates as he pleases. Then, if you two want to get back together and poly-date each other later, you could.

I know the feelings are hard. But there are straightforward actions you can take.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

And you make the final call at the end of the trial run to keep going together with polyamory, to go back to closed, or break up.

Are you really recommending this? Because at the end of 6-12 months "trial period", there's probably another several months old NRE-ish relationship, that would have to end, or that will cause the end of the original couple. We all know that trial runs in polyamory hurt secondaries.

 

[GalaGirl]

My point is to be decisive and not let it drag on and on.

Micina can adjust their time frame to whatever suits their situation. More than 6-12 days, but certainly not spending 6-12 years on it either.

The options that I can see are:

• Micina can go back to being poly with this partner like they used to be. Try that on for a while. Both can be up front with any potentials what the deal is here. The potential can choose to get involved or not.
• Micina can choose to end things, do their personal work on their own while the former partner goes back to poly dating, and then decide at some future point in time whether or not they want to get back together and poly-date again. Maybe the timeframe is about when to check back in again.
• Since their partner is willing to be closed and give Micina more time, if Micina chooses to "wait and see" some more, they can do that, but put a time limit on the "wait and see" period. It can't be forever.

There may be other options. But if it was me, I'd choose a direction and put a timeframe on it. I don't think dragging things out helps anyone. I think they have to talk together and figure out measurable, concrete next steps, with a timeframe.

GG

 

[Musso]

Have you considered dating someone else in addition to him to get more company time?

 

[Magdlyn]

Are you really recommending this? Because at the end of 6-12 months "trial period", there's probably another several-months-old NRE-ish relationship that would have to end, or that would cause the end of the original couple. We all know that trial runs in polyamory hurt secondaries.

There's also a chance that Micina's SO already has another person in mind that he's attracted to and wants to date. Poly people do get attracted to others, whether their current relationship is temporarily closed or not. (Heck, so do permanently fully monoamorous people.)