MrFarFromRight
Banned
Had trouble stopping laughing.
p.s. "Bluebird Scenario" shows 64 results on Google. Honest. but don't blame me for that.
Really could use advice (very promising new relationship)
- Thread starter Greg
- Start date
p.s. "Bluebird Scenario" shows 64 results on Google. Honest. but don't blame me for that.
MrFarFromRight: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, for such your thoughtful and informative posts. Your words help a lot!
yeah, I've been SO deep in this all week, heh. I met up with SUN 2x more times this week and it's been intense. Many more hours talking and some crying as well.
I'm definitely getting more weary about plying the friend role here. 2 days after she told me about BOBs sexual abuse we met up to hang out and she acted like nothing was wrong, casually talking about BOB again. I was really triggered by this and felt compelled to point out the information she shared with me. She immediately began making excuses for him, started to blame herself for his behavior, etc. etc. I felt like I ended up in the role a rape crisis counselor - holding her to her own words and shared experiences, recommending more support services other than me, and outright explaining that the relationship is abusive and toxic. This was the hardest day I had connecting with her yet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzr1Rfn-P4Y
I told her I can't be that guy anymore, that I have been the fall guy for abusive messy relationships too much in my life. And I clarified many times that these were her choices and I did not want to police her life or her relationships. She seemed to understand very well the line between my self care and controlling her life, and she said she respected me for it. She also said very insightful things like, "I've really got to figure my shit out right now" and "I wouldn't want to date me either right now!" - I think she's starting to see the self-care picture, if only a little slowly.
I also made it very clear to her that I would continue to be a friend in her life, even if some boundaries have to change a lot (specifically the touching + cuddling + holding hands we've been doing).
Well, after that talk SUN sent me a message that she and BOB had broken up last night (!!) She says she'll tell me more details about it later tonight.
So for all the heartache and mess this is, I think the silver lining is at least that in less than 2 weeks of knowing this person we have evolved enough of a relationship that she:
a) advocates for her Poly beliefs now in her relationships
b) is starting to stick to those beliefs and not back down
c) is recognizing abusive patterns in her life and
d) is disengaging with the 2 partners that have been abusing her / manipulating her
As messy as this is, I couldn't ask for more from any human being in such a short amount of time. We have built an incredible amount of trust and respect together and I think are navigating this thing pretty well overall.
This is an area I think I might be screwing up a lot in. The reason being, is she is feeling pretty abandoned right now by everyone, especially JIM because she said she wanted to date me so he dumped her. So it's felt wrong for me to pretend like I don't want to date her, or act as if that isn't something I'm thinking about for the future. But finding the line between "I like you and I support you" and "I am not the prize to gain by improving your life, you are" is difficult. and maybe this sounds really bad, but if me being the "prize" right now helps her make some super positive changes in her life and get away from nasty abusers, is that really such a terrible thing? I am focusing however on how this is for HER to improve HERSELF and trying to stay out of the picture as much as I can.
Strangely, in all of this mess we have still had wonderful moments together. We've sang songs together, exchanged flowers and gifts, and just enjoyed life. What a wacky scenario this all is.
Also, I don't know if I shared this already, but 2 things that have been very helpful so far:
1) this quote / definition of abuse (from: http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/what-is-abuse/)
“Actions or behaviors intended to control or gain power over another, especially within a close or intimate relationship.”
2) the first poem here (Every Man Is an Island):
http://jimmsfairytales.com/islands.htm
I think this forum would be a big asset to her healing, but I am very weary of her finding this thread. Maybe in the near future, after the storm has passed a little. Surprisingly, her 2 siblings are poly. Kind of wondering how they practice poly though and / or how they've helped her (or not) in these situations. But I really need this space for myself right now, and I hope I'm not being too selfish with that. It has really been helping a lot.
Another issue has been confronting BOB to address the concerns I have for the community. I spoke with SUN about this and checked in multiple times with her consent and how I would not share any details. BOB is very influential in the community and SUN feels it would be nice to have someone check him on his behavior. It puts me in a weird "knight in armor" role which I do NOT want, but at the same time there isn't anyone around that can do this work. With my close friend moving in with BOB soon and the very real possibility of more woman being hurt, I feel like I have to do something :/
BOB texted me saying he wants to meet up and talk, and I replied maybe next week.
also realizing how much of my life has gone towards this....and it's a lot. *sigh* I need a break.
P.S. sorry for the late reply. The forum stopped emailing me that people were replying to this thread, so I had assumed there weren't any more replies / interest in this thread.
yeah, I've been SO deep in this all week, heh. I met up with SUN 2x more times this week and it's been intense. Many more hours talking and some crying as well.
I'm definitely getting more weary about plying the friend role here. 2 days after she told me about BOBs sexual abuse we met up to hang out and she acted like nothing was wrong, casually talking about BOB again. I was really triggered by this and felt compelled to point out the information she shared with me. She immediately began making excuses for him, started to blame herself for his behavior, etc. etc.
I felt like I ended up in the role a rape crisis counselor - holding her to her own words and shared experiences, recommending more support services other than me, and outright explaining that the relationship is abusive and toxic. This was the hardest day I had connecting with her yet.I've made this very clear to her over, and over. She also seems to want to know *clearly* how I feel about these partners, and I ended up telling her outright that I think they are abusive and pointed out to her the behaviors she had been saying to me over the time we've known each other. She was surprisingly open to hearing this and very grateful. I told her I could not be in a relationship with her though, continuing to be the sounding board with these two abusers in her life. I actually played a song for her dear to my heart on this subject:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzr1Rfn-P4Y
I told her I can't be that guy anymore, that I have been the fall guy for abusive messy relationships too much in my life. And I clarified many times that these were her choices and I did not want to police her life or her relationships. She seemed to understand very well the line between my self care and controlling her life, and she said she respected me for it. She also said very insightful things like, "I've really got to figure my shit out right now" and "I wouldn't want to date me either right now!" - I think she's starting to see the self-care picture, if only a little slowly.
I also made it very clear to her that I would continue to be a friend in her life, even if some boundaries have to change a lot (specifically the touching + cuddling + holding hands we've been doing).
Well, after that talk SUN sent me a message that she and BOB had broken up last night (!!) She says she'll tell me more details about it later tonight.
So for all the heartache and mess this is, I think the silver lining is at least that in less than 2 weeks of knowing this person we have evolved enough of a relationship that she:
a) advocates for her Poly beliefs now in her relationships
b) is starting to stick to those beliefs and not back down
c) is recognizing abusive patterns in her life and
d) is disengaging with the 2 partners that have been abusing her / manipulating her
As messy as this is, I couldn't ask for more from any human being in such a short amount of time. We have built an incredible amount of trust and respect together and I think are navigating this thing pretty well overall.
This is an area I think I might be screwing up a lot in. The reason being, is she is feeling pretty abandoned right now by everyone, especially JIM because she said she wanted to date me so he dumped her. So it's felt wrong for me to pretend like I don't want to date her, or act as if that isn't something I'm thinking about for the future. But finding the line between "I like you and I support you" and "I am not the prize to gain by improving your life, you are" is difficult. and maybe this sounds really bad, but if me being the "prize" right now helps her make some super positive changes in her life and get away from nasty abusers, is that really such a terrible thing? I am focusing however on how this is for HER to improve HERSELF and trying to stay out of the picture as much as I can.
Strangely, in all of this mess we have still had wonderful moments together. We've sang songs together, exchanged flowers and gifts, and just enjoyed life. What a wacky scenario this all is.
Also, I don't know if I shared this already, but 2 things that have been very helpful so far:
1) this quote / definition of abuse (from: http://polyamoryonpurpose.com/what-is-abuse/)
“Actions or behaviors intended to control or gain power over another, especially within a close or intimate relationship.”
2) the first poem here (Every Man Is an Island):
http://jimmsfairytales.com/islands.htm
I think this forum would be a big asset to her healing, but I am very weary of her finding this thread. Maybe in the near future, after the storm has passed a little. Surprisingly, her 2 siblings are poly. Kind of wondering how they practice poly though and / or how they've helped her (or not) in these situations. But I really need this space for myself right now, and I hope I'm not being too selfish with that. It has really been helping a lot.
Another issue has been confronting BOB to address the concerns I have for the community. I spoke with SUN about this and checked in multiple times with her consent and how I would not share any details. BOB is very influential in the community and SUN feels it would be nice to have someone check him on his behavior. It puts me in a weird "knight in armor" role which I do NOT want, but at the same time there isn't anyone around that can do this work. With my close friend moving in with BOB soon and the very real possibility of more woman being hurt, I feel like I have to do something :/
BOB texted me saying he wants to meet up and talk, and I replied maybe next week.
also realizing how much of my life has gone towards this....and it's a lot. *sigh* I need a break.
P.S. sorry for the late reply. The forum stopped emailing me that people were replying to this thread, so I had assumed there weren't any more replies / interest in this thread.
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MrFarFromRight
Banned
a) Do not trust e-mails!
b) Do not trust modern technology!
c) Do not trust everything that people tell you on this site!
d) I LOVE that song! Trust me.
The 2 of us seem quite similar (love of that song, Emma Goldman [one of the women at the campfire has the book at her other home {she has recently married a neighbour of mine, still shuttles back and forth from old home to his, still has occasional work in the old city, quite far away}, has promised to bring it here on the 19th, so I'll have about a week to read it before I leave for Spain], feminism...). The similarity seems to include getting romantic about [female] friends who are having relationship troubles. I have been a catalyst in at least 3 break-ups of long-term relationships (4 if you include one just reported on this forum). I was the sympathetic ear that the boyfriend/husband got jealous about (though there wasn't anything sexual between me and the woman and - in at least one case - HE was cheating on her). In at least 2 of these cases, I fancied the woman. In both cases a sexual relationship with her would have been a bad idea. That song speaks to my heart because it DOES hurt me "when things go wrong", and I DO love them. But the song implies that the singer would be better for the woman than the other man.
Frankly, if I can take you at your word (and I tend to do that), I think that you'd make a helluva better partner for Sun than either Bob or Jim. And I'd like to hope that it'll happen some day. But now's not the time. She really does need to get her shit together, to sort out what she - at her core - wants and needs from a relationship. And what's GOOD for her. It would cloud the issue if you started a sexual relationship with her NOW.
Maybe I should put it like this: the sex might distract her from taking a close look at her life choices. The sex might get in the way of the emotions. And THAT's what she needs to work on.
If you stand there as the prize, there's a danger that she'll pretend (to herself, to you) that she's got it all sorted out long before she really has. "So now there's nothing stopping us from jumping into bed."
The Deary knows that I could be wrong, but that's my gut reaction. The Deary also knows that if I were in your shoes, the temptation to jump into bed with her NOW would be pretty strong.
I'm going to post this before I accidentally erase it, then look at your last comment again and see if I've got something to add.
Have a hug from me,
MFFR
b) Do not trust modern technology!
c) Do not trust everything that people tell you on this site!
d) I LOVE that song! Trust me.
The 2 of us seem quite similar (love of that song, Emma Goldman [one of the women at the campfire has the book at her other home {she has recently married a neighbour of mine, still shuttles back and forth from old home to his, still has occasional work in the old city, quite far away}, has promised to bring it here on the 19th, so I'll have about a week to read it before I leave for Spain], feminism...). The similarity seems to include getting romantic about [female] friends who are having relationship troubles. I have been a catalyst in at least 3 break-ups of long-term relationships (4 if you include one just reported on this forum). I was the sympathetic ear that the boyfriend/husband got jealous about (though there wasn't anything sexual between me and the woman and - in at least one case - HE was cheating on her). In at least 2 of these cases, I fancied the woman. In both cases a sexual relationship with her would have been a bad idea. That song speaks to my heart because it DOES hurt me "when things go wrong", and I DO love them. But the song implies that the singer would be better for the woman than the other man.
Frankly, if I can take you at your word (and I tend to do that), I think that you'd make a helluva better partner for Sun than either Bob or Jim. And I'd like to hope that it'll happen some day. But now's not the time. She really does need to get her shit together, to sort out what she - at her core - wants and needs from a relationship. And what's GOOD for her. It would cloud the issue if you started a sexual relationship with her NOW.
Maybe I should put it like this: the sex might distract her from taking a close look at her life choices. The sex might get in the way of the emotions. And THAT's what she needs to work on.
If you stand there as the prize, there's a danger that she'll pretend (to herself, to you) that she's got it all sorted out long before she really has. "So now there's nothing stopping us from jumping into bed."
The Deary knows that I could be wrong, but that's my gut reaction. The Deary also knows that if I were in your shoes, the temptation to jump into bed with her NOW would be pretty strong.
I'm going to post this before I accidentally erase it, then look at your last comment again and see if I've got something to add.
Have a hug from me,
MFFR
IndieSolo
Active member
Greg, tread carefully. Be her friend but be wary of your own motives. The way you talk about her has a flavor of... knowing what's best for her better than she does. You paint a picture of someone you really like and enjoy being with but there's an element of your view that, despite how much you admire her, she is fucked up or fucking up her life and only you can see it. It's not just about white knight syndrome, it's more like creating an atmosphere that sets you up as an authority on how she should do relationships, which if she is a very dependent needy sort of person, will be tricky to get out of. Don't go there.
Not sure if what I said makes sense. It's just a whiff of something very judgy I pick up whenever I read your posts about her. Like... you can't wait til the fucked-up woman gets her act together - which is a bit condescending, in my view.
If this is exhausting you, take a step back. And I wouldn't meet up with Bob if I were you. Steer clear.
Not sure if what I said makes sense. It's just a whiff of something very judgy I pick up whenever I read your posts about her. Like... you can't wait til the fucked-up woman gets her act together - which is a bit condescending, in my view.
If this is exhausting you, take a step back. And I wouldn't meet up with Bob if I were you. Steer clear.
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MrFarFromRight
Banned
Quick reply, before I even finish reading your last comment. I only now realised I hadn't done so before I started MY last comment.
lol. NO! Make that
Jimmy and I work together at a tiny "publishing hut" (see my "location", upper right). I now run the risk of revealing MY secret identity! So I'll shut up now, post this, and read the rest of your comment...
lol. NO! Make that
LAUGHS OUT LOUD!!!
Which is what I did (dangerous: it was 3:27am here in this quiet village in Germany, with 2 very young children sleeping next door) when I read
Of course, how could you know that Jimmy's a very good friend of mine? So good, that he showed me the e-mail you sent him. (It must have been you! Ha! Superman: your secret identity has been blown!) He was really chuffed about it! That link you give is the same one as the one in another poem's title, the one in my signature. But you know that, cause you made that jump.
Jimmy and I work together at a tiny "publishing hut" (see my "location", upper right). I now run the risk of revealing MY secret identity! So I'll shut up now, post this, and read the rest of your comment...
MrFarFromRight
Banned
This reminds me of a wonderful short story (and I wish I could find it again). Basically, the gallant, handsome knight saves the princess from the fire-breathing dragon (which he does by killing it), sets her on his horse, mounts behind her, and off they ride towards her father's palace (where the king is waiting to fulfill his promise to give her to him as his wife). Here's the knight with his arms around the princess (so he can hold the reins), telling her the story over and over again, and asking her to tell him how she felt when she first saw him, knowing that help was at hand. He waxes eloquent about the life that they will lead when they are married. His wish for her to repeat how he is her saviour gets more and more insistent. In fact, it begins to really bother her. At one point, she turns around to look at him...
And sees smoke coming out of his nostrils and scales taking shape on his snout.
Yeah, there's also that danger!
MrFarFromRight
Banned
4:30am and I'm going to bed. Will read the rest of your post tomorrow.
If Sun liked "Every Man Is an Island", suggest that she read "Ella Of The Cinders" and "The Hand Of The Princess" on that web-site. (pdf versions preferably)
If Sun liked "Every Man Is an Island", suggest that she read "Ella Of The Cinders" and "The Hand Of The Princess" on that web-site. (pdf versions preferably)
nycindie, thank you so much for your post. It was hard to read and while I don't think it was entirely what was happening, you did touch upon a big part of it. I think after hearing too much of SUN and BOB's relationship interaction I began going into a fight-or-flight PTSD mode when I was identifying with SUN as a younger Me, and wanting to be the support person I didn't have growing up. My genuine concern and support for her turned into something actually quite manipulative in many ways, and I was indeed judging her relationships for her.
In all fairness, I do think there is a lot of abuse there, and her response to it was being translated in my mind as gaslighting. I believe there is some denial around certain things or rather, her choice to approach them in a different way (which I see now is HER choice). There are some deep seated self-valuation and trauma response issues there (IMO), which is not my place to fix or work with. I think I outwore my welcome as a support person and have now slipped into putting my PTSD crap on her.
This became very clear to me tonight as we were saying our goodbyes (we decided to take a break from one another "for a while"). I am really ashamed of my behavior which became very bipolor towards the end of it (I ended up oscillating hot/cold back and forth with how I want her and cant be with her). This is very unhealthy of course and the last thing she needs in her life right now.
Ideally, I would have let go a little sooner. On the plus side, she said she felt happier today (after breaking up with BOB) than she has felt in a very long time. She was rejoicing in her newfound freedom in many ways, and it was very beautiful to see.
I think a friendship at this point is definitely going to be damaging to me, due to the triggers that it is bringing me. Which is very unfortunate, because I did grow to care for her so much (and visa versa). but, that's life sometimes.
lots of tears and a sad, sad heart here.
In all fairness, I do think there is a lot of abuse there, and her response to it was being translated in my mind as gaslighting. I believe there is some denial around certain things or rather, her choice to approach them in a different way (which I see now is HER choice). There are some deep seated self-valuation and trauma response issues there (IMO), which is not my place to fix or work with. I think I outwore my welcome as a support person and have now slipped into putting my PTSD crap on her.
This became very clear to me tonight as we were saying our goodbyes (we decided to take a break from one another "for a while"). I am really ashamed of my behavior which became very bipolor towards the end of it (I ended up oscillating hot/cold back and forth with how I want her and cant be with her). This is very unhealthy of course and the last thing she needs in her life right now.
Ideally, I would have let go a little sooner. On the plus side, she said she felt happier today (after breaking up with BOB) than she has felt in a very long time. She was rejoicing in her newfound freedom in many ways, and it was very beautiful to see.
I think a friendship at this point is definitely going to be damaging to me, due to the triggers that it is bringing me. Which is very unfortunate, because I did grow to care for her so much (and visa versa). but, that's life sometimes.
lots of tears and a sad, sad heart here.
MrFarFromRight:
sorry to hear about your stories and having to struggle with similar experiences. It's so hard, the way trauma and abuse cycles back and forth affecting everything it touches. The world needs so much healing right now and I think it's very good that you have the introspection and warm-heartedness to post so many replies here.
your friends poem I think I found here, LoL in your link - I forgot where I got it from! Yes, it helped SUN very very much
sorry to hear about your stories and having to struggle with similar experiences. It's so hard, the way trauma and abuse cycles back and forth affecting everything it touches. The world needs so much healing right now and I think it's very good that you have the introspection and warm-heartedness to post so many replies here.
your friends poem I think I found here, LoL in your link - I forgot where I got it from! Yes, it helped SUN very very much
MrFarFromRight
Banned
Yes, I think that you're being too selfish. Listen to yourself (with my accent): "I think this forum would be a big asset to her healing"; "It has really been helping a lot."
Now she could go and shell out money for professional counselling [see http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=333953#post333953 ] (and she might choose to do that anyway), while you're getting advice on here for free; or
she could struggle with this on her own; or
she could have this wonderful knight in shining armour (I wish that people wouldn't confuse him with the White Knight, [when capitalised] a character from Through The Looking Glass - and the very opposite of a knight in shining armour) who explains everything to her, lends a sympathetic ear to her troubles... and offers to be her healer.
Not that that's selfishness or anything...
I've dealt with this already:
"There's this forum that I think might be of some help to you. Certainly it's been a great help to me. Trouble is, there's some personal stuff of my own that I don't want you reading just now. Think of it as a 'confidentiality of the confessional/psychiatrist' thing that I need for myself at this time. I need to ask you to respect that confidentiality. Maybe in the future I can share this with you. But right now, I need this for me. I'm asking you not to open the thread entitled 'Really could use advice (very promising new relationship)'. In return, I'll promise to respect your privacy, your own 'confessional'. Is that OK with you?"
If she breaks your confidence, well, that's just another factor to take into consideration in your future dealings with her. It's not going to destroy your life if she reads this thread, is it? I repeat again: friends take risks.
If you're going to meet up with Bob, don't let it be at midnight at the crossroads.
And take a bodyguard/witness if possible. Doesn't have to be close enough to hear what you're saying, but within sight.I read THIS before I wrote "don't trust e-mails". (Which is why I thought that I'd read the whole comment. I'd just read the first half + the end bit.)
A hug to send you into the joust, brave Knight!
MrFarFromRight
Banned
Dear Greg,
I read your 2 last comments after I posted that last one. (They weren't there when I started typing). Can you break your break just long enough to pass her that message about this forum (with the link to poly-friendly counsellors lists and the story recommendations: they might help)? Good man!
Yours with a sincere hug,
MFFR (aka The White Knight)
p.s. If you ARE going to deal with Bob (your call), it might be better if you do it while your friendship with Sun is on "hold".
I read your 2 last comments after I posted that last one. (They weren't there when I started typing). Can you break your break just long enough to pass her that message about this forum (with the link to poly-friendly counsellors lists and the story recommendations: they might help)? Good man!
Yours with a sincere hug,
MFFR (aka The White Knight)
p.s. If you ARE going to deal with Bob (your call), it might be better if you do it while your friendship with Sun is on "hold".
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MrFarFromRight:
your post second from above was highly inappropriate. I understand that you feel I am being selfish and doing things incorrectly, but that could have been expressed in a more caring manner. Resulting to teasing and sarcasm is really, really not cool.
Your point makes sense, and I am happy to defer to her self-care, even if it is only my opinion that this forum could help her. Moderators, if you could please delete this thread in its entirety to protect my privacy, I would greatly appreciate it.
If there is another place I can request the deletion of this thread I am happy to do it. I have to see SUN again one last time I can recommend this forum to her then.
Thank you all to everyone for your help these past few days, it has meant a lot to me.
your post second from above was highly inappropriate. I understand that you feel I am being selfish and doing things incorrectly, but that could have been expressed in a more caring manner. Resulting to teasing and sarcasm is really, really not cool.
Your point makes sense, and I am happy to defer to her self-care, even if it is only my opinion that this forum could help her. Moderators, if you could please delete this thread in its entirety to protect my privacy, I would greatly appreciate it.
If there is another place I can request the deletion of this thread I am happy to do it. I have to see SUN again one last time I can recommend this forum to her then.
Thank you all to everyone for your help these past few days, it has meant a lot to me.
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Nycindie is so on spot
While it's very well possible that there is abuse going on and that you have indeed helped, the picture you've described here is extremely black and white. With flavours of painting her as the victim/child making oh so nice progress. I don't mean to say you did anything wrong, actually this situation must be extremely difficult (I have quite a few moral questions with no right answers around it) and imho you've handled it kind of mature. I'm rather saying there seems to be a power imbalance between you and her. Perhaps even to a similar amount you've feared between her and her other partners - that they could talk her out of a relationship. And you're unsure of how how to use/not use the power, though you seem very persuasive with her.I understand not wanting to maintain a friendship with your romantic interest though, if you don't want to get involved. Even if it wasn't for triggers.
I am sorry this is ending in tears for you
I hope it brings you some growth, and I hope she can handle this upheaval in her life.
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MrFarFromRight
Banned
I have sent a PM to Greg, explaining how to delete his own comments*, and asking him just what he found objectionable in mine. I am willing to edit it, but not to remove my opinion that he was being selfish. I pointed out that he had expressed this possibility himself.
If Greg so chooses, he may (and can) remove all of the comments that he made on this thread. But that would leave our replies, including those including quotes from him. I don't understand why he can't trust to the honour of Sun to keep her nose out. Even if she doesn't, I see nothing in this thread that he should feel so desperate about hiding from her.
Thank you for your next comment ("...and I don't see how the post you are referring to is inappropriate? It seems accurate to me.")
Sometimes true friends tell you uncomfortable truths.
* for those who may wish to know: You click on "edit"; then on "Go advanced". At the top of the new window, you are given the option to "delete".
You can only edit for 12 hours.
In the years I've spent here, I've only seen 3 or 4 threads deleted, and that was in very serious cases.
I disagree that Greg is being selfish if he doesn't want to tell the woman about this board. He doesn't owe her anything. He barely knows her. I personally would think it weird to invite a near stranger here and ask them not to read my posts.
And I don't think this woman is ready for poly anyway. She is in the cycle of abuse. Most abused women need to leave an abuser 7 times before it sticks. She just needs to manage to leave her abusers, and learn to look for red flags when she meets men, and to grow her self esteem so she knows she has value and deserves a decent man. And learn how to do relationships well. That can take a long time.
In the years I've spent here, I've only seen 3 or 4 threads deleted, and that was in very serious cases.
I disagree that Greg is being selfish if he doesn't want to tell the woman about this board. He doesn't owe her anything. He barely knows her. I personally would think it weird to invite a near stranger here and ask them not to read my posts.
And I don't think this woman is ready for poly anyway. She is in the cycle of abuse. Most abused women need to leave an abuser 7 times before it sticks. She just needs to manage to leave her abusers, and learn to look for red flags when she meets men, and to grow her self esteem so she knows she has value and deserves a decent man. And learn how to do relationships well. That can take a long time.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Why not just order it in English on the Internet?
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I agree with Mags. Greg has known this woman for a week or two and needs to get his own house in order. He is of no service to anyone, however well meaning, unless he is square with himself. If this forum helps him to figure out his personal life, he doesn't owe it to anyone (ever) to share.