I'll try to keep brief but this is a long one.
Background, if needed: I (36f) and my partner (42m) have been together technically since 2017. We broke up last year and had some time apart. When we started dating again, we were seeing other people and had both stumbled on poly relationships dynamics pretty organically, so when we started dating again, it didn't really feel like we were opening up a monogamous relationship, despite previously only dating monogamously and being new to polyamory.
This summer, he started dating a neighbor. A few weeks later, I met and her, and began dating her, as well. Though the three of us would spend time together and were dating all together, the emphasis has always been on each individual relationship.
Their relationship moved pretty quickly and chaotically. Mine and hers more slowly, but calmer.
An agreement between he and I (made at the beginning) was to be open about other relationships progressing (sexually/emotionally). It was never about policing or asking for permission, but to keep sexual health on the forefront and bring up escalations to the other proactively and with care.
Now to the issue:
The main gist of what I was told about their relationship was that it was chaotic, that her alcohol use was a huge issue between them. They were pretty consistently having blow-up fights and breaking up, enough so that our trio dating was stalled, due to instability between the other two.
So when I heard him say "I love you" on the phone to her while they were fighting (while she was on a date with me-- another dramatic story I won't get into) I was quite taken aback.
We had talked and planned to avoid this exact situation. I felt blindsided. And betrayed. 1 week earlier, I had asked him if he loved her, and he'd told me no. So I was very confused.
She became aware of the issue and was also upset at him for not telling me.
He says in hindsight he understand this was something we agreed on sharing upfront, but he felt he had overall been honest about things between them.
This was work-outable. Until this.
She told me that not only was he in love with her, but that he told her that he would marry her. That he wanted to have children with her and build a home with her. That his main issue with me was that I infringed on his ability to invest in her like he wanted to.
I went off the deep end at that point. I ended things with him. She watched and encouraged me to leave him.
When he and I finally talk, he says these are boldfaced lies, and he would never say that, and it's not true. He confronts her and she admits to him that she was hurt that he hadn't told me he loved her, and she told me those things to hurt me because she was hurt. And she was apparently drunk at the time.
I immediately asked her (pretty rudely, honestly) what the hell was going on. She doubled down and said that she'd never lied a day in her life, and she stands by what she said.
He told me that it would be a dealbreaker if she maintained that these things she said were true.
Yet here we are. A month later. In limbo.
Now, he says that she is mad at me and won't apologize, or take any of the "lies" back.
He is saying that me needing that to be able to move forward is manipulative and unnecessary, because she and I are no longer dating.
I'm stuck. I think her actions were intentionally malicious. I feel, at minimum, I need her to take accountability and tell me the truth, if he said those things or not.
Because honestly, I'm not sold that he didn't tell her those things. It would be surprising to find out that was true, considering they had been dating for about a month, maybe two, when he supposedly said those things to her.
He says it's on me if I don't trust him, and want to believe her over him. I WANT to believe him. But him accepting her in his life without requiring any repair for the damage she caused me, and his and my relationship directly... I can't do it. He says he'll "work on it". But he doesn't think she'll be receptive.
What do I do here? Are we just collateral damage? Is it unreasonable to need her to right this wrong (that she already apparently admitted to)?
I feel as though my need for repair to move forward is being made to be the problem AMD I'm just trying to find any way forward.
Background, if needed: I (36f) and my partner (42m) have been together technically since 2017. We broke up last year and had some time apart. When we started dating again, we were seeing other people and had both stumbled on poly relationships dynamics pretty organically, so when we started dating again, it didn't really feel like we were opening up a monogamous relationship, despite previously only dating monogamously and being new to polyamory.
This summer, he started dating a neighbor. A few weeks later, I met and her, and began dating her, as well. Though the three of us would spend time together and were dating all together, the emphasis has always been on each individual relationship.
Their relationship moved pretty quickly and chaotically. Mine and hers more slowly, but calmer.
An agreement between he and I (made at the beginning) was to be open about other relationships progressing (sexually/emotionally). It was never about policing or asking for permission, but to keep sexual health on the forefront and bring up escalations to the other proactively and with care.
Now to the issue:
The main gist of what I was told about their relationship was that it was chaotic, that her alcohol use was a huge issue between them. They were pretty consistently having blow-up fights and breaking up, enough so that our trio dating was stalled, due to instability between the other two.
So when I heard him say "I love you" on the phone to her while they were fighting (while she was on a date with me-- another dramatic story I won't get into) I was quite taken aback.
We had talked and planned to avoid this exact situation. I felt blindsided. And betrayed. 1 week earlier, I had asked him if he loved her, and he'd told me no. So I was very confused.
She became aware of the issue and was also upset at him for not telling me.
He says in hindsight he understand this was something we agreed on sharing upfront, but he felt he had overall been honest about things between them.
This was work-outable. Until this.
She told me that not only was he in love with her, but that he told her that he would marry her. That he wanted to have children with her and build a home with her. That his main issue with me was that I infringed on his ability to invest in her like he wanted to.
I went off the deep end at that point. I ended things with him. She watched and encouraged me to leave him.
When he and I finally talk, he says these are boldfaced lies, and he would never say that, and it's not true. He confronts her and she admits to him that she was hurt that he hadn't told me he loved her, and she told me those things to hurt me because she was hurt. And she was apparently drunk at the time.
I immediately asked her (pretty rudely, honestly) what the hell was going on. She doubled down and said that she'd never lied a day in her life, and she stands by what she said.
He told me that it would be a dealbreaker if she maintained that these things she said were true.
Yet here we are. A month later. In limbo.
Now, he says that she is mad at me and won't apologize, or take any of the "lies" back.
He is saying that me needing that to be able to move forward is manipulative and unnecessary, because she and I are no longer dating.
I'm stuck. I think her actions were intentionally malicious. I feel, at minimum, I need her to take accountability and tell me the truth, if he said those things or not.
Because honestly, I'm not sold that he didn't tell her those things. It would be surprising to find out that was true, considering they had been dating for about a month, maybe two, when he supposedly said those things to her.
He says it's on me if I don't trust him, and want to believe her over him. I WANT to believe him. But him accepting her in his life without requiring any repair for the damage she caused me, and his and my relationship directly... I can't do it. He says he'll "work on it". But he doesn't think she'll be receptive.
What do I do here? Are we just collateral damage? Is it unreasonable to need her to right this wrong (that she already apparently admitted to)?
I feel as though my need for repair to move forward is being made to be the problem AMD I'm just trying to find any way forward.
