Reassuring new partner who is usually mono

[MrsBrightside]

Hey all! First time poster.

I've been with my partner for over 11 years. We've always had an open relationship (my idea) in a lot of ways, I knew my partner wasn't really a monogamous person. I ID as asexual and, at the time, didn't know if I'd ever be interested in sex. It took a lot of patience and trust, but we have a very good sex life now, though I am largely still asexual to people other than my partner. I get crushes, that's it, so mostly aside from playing with others with my partner, I never took partners myself.

More recently I could tell that my partner was looking for a more emotional connection with his other partners than he used to, so I introduced him to the idea of Poly and told him to go for it if he found someone he connected with.

The first crashed and burned; she was mono and not keen on sharing with me and wanted him to leave me. She jerked him around quite a bit before he decided to start looking again for someone new.

He found K. She was initially super turned off by hearing he already had a partner and was poly. She nearly stopped talking to him. But she liked him a lot and was curious so she came back and asked a lot of questions. The sexual chemistry was pretty huge so they did a lot of naughty texting (she lives in another city that my partner travels to for work every few weeks). Eventually she started asking about me and revealed she also found me attractive. We started talking and I really like her, she is very nice and sweet. We all had a weekend together a few weeks ago and it was a lot of fun, although I don't feel a sexual connection to her the way she does me, but understands I am asexual and is happy just cuddling and kissing (which I am cool with!)

I have asked my partner to let us see what develops between she and I, but right now it feels a bit more like a V than a triad. She is falling hard for my partner and with that, it is apparently bringing her a lot of worry.

My partner and I are engaged, we have a new house we bought together; obviously the idea was that we would get married and have kids in the next couple years. K thinks she could maybe be okay with us getting married, but also feels she would feel 'secondary' if that happened. As for kids, she doesn't want them and told me she would have to distance herself if I ever got pregnant, because she couldn't see herself fitting into our lives if we had a child (we would be too busy, she wouldn't want to live with us, she doesn't want to have a role in raising the kid at all, etc.) She also VERY much wants a wedding for herself, it is very important to her, so I suspect us getting married bothers her more than she lets on.

She has expressed these feelings but also she "doesn't think she could walk away now even if she wanted to" due to the strength of feelings she has for my partner (and me). But I am a bit worried she is more worried than she lets on. She hasn't been sleeping lately and she has expressed that she is feeling very needy and clingy lately ever since my partner and I visited his family at camp.

We have only been seeing her for about a month at this point. We talk every day but I have only met her the one time. My partner has visited with her 4 or 5 times or so and also chats with her often. She has told me she gets a little jealous and insecure when we do things and she isn't with us (hard with the LDR being a thing) especially things like going to camp and visiting family. She once said she would never be able to have a 'normal life' with my partner where they get married like she wants, but also talks about feeling happy that we are letting her into our family.

So it seems she kind of goes back and forth between being really happy but also worrying? I am kind of sad also that it seems like she feels there is an expiry date to our relationship if things progress with my partner and I to things we want, like marriage or kids. I worry we will put them off to avoid hurting her, or that the worried and hurt will get worse the more she falls in love with my partner (and maybe even me eventually).

I know it's good to talk about these things, and I'm glad she is so open with me (she has talked a bit with my partner too, but I am more verbal so it's easier for us to talk more in depth about it). I'm wondering how I can help her to cope with a more poly lifestyle and such, even if it's temporary? Or is all this worrying a red flag that she is really not as comfortable as she maybe thinks she is with dating a couple? She does not, for the record, want us to put off any of our plans for her, and has said so.

I wonder also if dating both of us helps her to feel less jealous because she also 'has' both of us, rather than sharing a partner with someone else? I do feel like she feels more strongly for my partner than for me, which I am fine with, but I do wonder if it helps her cope better to date both of us.

Any insight or advice would be wonderful, as we are a bit new to poly as well. We didn't go looking for a triad either, it just kind of happened! K also only wants a closed triad.

 

[New2This3]

Kinda in the same boat

Just posting to follow... I'm also new to poly and am kind of in the same situation.....

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MrsBrightside,

I think you and your partner should go ahead with your plans to marry and have kids. K knows it's going to happen, so it is up to K to cut off the relationship if she doesn't want those plans to happen. You are worrying that K is worrying but really that's for K to worry about. If she wants you to know about it, she should tell you. You shouldn't have to try to read her mind.

Based on K's description of what she wants in the future, this relationship she's in (with you and your partner) doesn't sound like a good fit to me. But, K is also a grownup and should decide these things on her own. If you are happy with what the relationship with K brings into your life, then it makes sense to retain K as long as K is willing and wants to stay.

You said that you and K talk a lot, so, K has plenty of opportunity to let you know if she is worried. And you have opportunity to ask her if this is what she really wants. But I think that's as close as I'd come to breaking up with her at this time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

They have dated a month and she is worried because she wants to marry him? That could be s good or bad sign depending. Not wanting kids and feeling uncomfortable with you getting kids: potentionally huge problem.

 

[MightyMax]

There are several areas of incompatibility that you have highlighted. It's now for your partner and K to acknowledge these areas of discord and do what is right for everyone.

It's usually wiser to limit your search to people who aren't monogamous to avoid some of these hiccups.

 

[MrsBrightside]

Kevin: I feel like this is sort of where I am leaning too. We are fine where things are at right now, it's only been a month, so we really have to see where things go from here and, while it's good to talk about, they really are mostly things we will just have to deal with when they happen. I guess lately it's just been brought up almost every day (often just to apologize for worrying about it) and the frequency of her texting makes me feel like she is more insecure than she is letting on. The past week we often get multiple texts even after we've said goodnight; last night she drunk texted my partner multiple times, then called well past midnight while he was in bed, then texted more even after she left a voicemail and talked to him on the phone. I just wish I had a good way of helping her feel a little more secure! But I guess in the end she need to tell us what she needs right now (I have asked a few times but she doesn't know). But at this point if things were to end, it will probably be on her part I think unless something particularly bad happens that either he or I or both were no longer comfortable with.

Norwegianpoly: Yes I think she brought up marriage because a) it's a big goal for her and why she was on dating sites to begin with and b) she knows she is falling in love with my partner. The kids part is definitely the hugest barrier, and I want to start trying in the next 1-2 years. So the fact that she's already thinking of the end.. I am not sure if it is worrisome or she is just being realistic. It does sound as if ending things would be painful for her.

MightyMax: I worry about incompatibility with regards to life goals as well, as much as other things are very good in a lot of ways. I worry a bit as the new relationship energy fades somewhat that those concerns will be more pressing, especially as she has deeper feelings for us. But I feel like since we are okay with how things are and she may not be, it's up to her to either communicate it or decide what she can or can't handle.

Thanks for the wonderful replies everyone.

 

[MrsBrightside]

I feel really sad... she keeps saying things like how she's excited about spending time with us (in a few weeks) but adding in 'if [we're] not sick of her by then'. I asked her why she thought we would be and she said she didn't know. Then she vanished yesterday evening (very unusual) and didn't even respond to texts from my partner offering to call her before bed as he usually does when he's out of town.

It's hard reaching out and not getting much back.. I hope she's okay.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. Why does she want it a closed triad a month in?

I suggest you tread with caution. There's some stuff there that makes me go "huh?" I could be totally wrong too. But if it were me in those shoes a part of me would be wondering if she's healthy enough to date. I'd be inclined to end it.

She has expressed these feelings but also she "doesn't think she could walk away now even if she wanted to" due to the strength of feelings she has for my partner (and me).

After a month of dating? She feels unable to walk away even if she wanted to from a dating situation that is less then what she wants?What... she's under a spell? That's foolish.

Healthy people would go "We tried for month. We just want very different things. This is not a runner. I think it is best to end it in friendly terms now before we get in deeper." Instead she's going to sign up for worry, neediness, clingy, losing sleep, not being able to have the "normal life" she wants, or the wedding she wants. Then bring it up daily to you how she struggles with the choice she made? For what? So you will "owe" her?

That's an unhealthy sounding person to me. It is her responsibility to end dating things that don't match her goals. But if she's one of the people who love chaos/attention supply/being the eternal damsel in distress... she's not going to do what is healthy is she? She's going to latch on and make herself a little nest if you let her.

Why are you not breaking it off? You are not sounding comfortable here. Could decide to break it off now while it's early days and don't wait for it to become huge uncomfortable. You know it is not matching goals already. Isn't that enough to know it is not a likely runner? And you get out before it gets crazier sounding. Dodge a bullet. Because YOU are responsible for who YOU keep on choosing to date. (He has to make his own call.)

Or if you choose to keep on date her for a while more to see for sure what this is... define for yourself how much longer before you want the final assesment. And go in with eyes wide open and the BS radar turned on.

I am kind of sad also that it seems like she feels there is an expiry date to our relationship if things progress with my partner and I to things we want, like marriage or kids.

So break up. The "expiry" came and she no longer has to worry about "living under an axe." You set her free. You already know this situation is not compatible to her goals. Don't get enmeshed in her weird.

she keeps saying things like how she's excited about spending time with us (in a few weeks) but adding in 'if [we're] not sick of her by then'. I asked her why she thought we would be and she said she didn't know."

I smell shenanigans. Healthy people don't say that. "Fishing for attention supply" people sometimes do. To me she sounds like she's busy "learning" you to see what responses she gets.

Then she vanished yesterday evening (very unusual) and didn't even respond to texts from my partner offering to call her before bed as he usually does when he's out of town.

Take a few steps back.

• If she loves him SO much pulling that disappearing act is loving how?
  
• And this talking down about herself is self respecting how?

I cannot help but wonder if this is "testing" to see if you will be good supply or not. Learning what things push your buttons so you give the attention supply she wants. Why date unhealthy sounding people? What do you get out of it?

I just wish I had a good way of helping her feel a little more secure!

Not your job to do. Don't take it up as your job. It is draining and exhausting to be someone else's "prop me up" guy. If that's the job she's wanting to you do, decline. Again... tread carefully. She sounds weird to me. In these shoes I'd walk away. You haven't invested much -- just a month.

Date someone who is GLAD to be here, and not all "morose" about it. Because c'mon... a month in? The emotional volume on this is just not appropriate for the length of time. I smell something off about it all. Like drama brewing.

And you seem to smell it too.

Galagirl

 

[MrsBrightside]

Thank you GalaGirl...

I know my intuition is bugging me on some level, but was wondering if I am too close to it all emotionally to really see what is ringing warning bells. I want to think the best of her first, that is my nature, but I definitely have a feeling that she is Not Okay and using a bunch of things either to seek reassurance or test our reactions.

I know she has issues with self esteem; she has said often that she is not used to partners who don't constantly say negative things about her. Her past partners have often either not really prioritized her or been outright mean/nasty or borderline abusive (in one case), so she seems thrilled at how sweet my partner is, and how he has gone out of his way for her even long distance. She often seems to sound like she is underserving of this. I wonder if this is more prodding for assurances that she isn't?

I guess my biggest concern is that this will actually get worse the more attached she gets, rather than better. It is also starting to make me feel guilty sharing things about my relationship because I haven't wanted to make her feel badly.

I realize reassuring her is not my job, but I guess I did want to know if this was a) a normal level of worrying for a typically-mono person that I can help her with or b) something else was going on.

It is not just mine to end, otherwise I might. If my partner chooses to continue then I will be supportive. He feels it is her responsibility to be honest if she can't handle it. But he has moved a bit from 'it could work out' to 'well let's see what happens over the next few weeks'. She is supposed to meet our friends, as our girlfriend, later this month. I did want to see how she reacted to that and was with me and my partner in public with others. She did seem rather surprised we weren't keeping her a secret.

I definitely intend to keep going with eyes open for more of this worrying behaviour. I just wonder if there's a more head-on way I can deal with it... I am a straight-forward person so I kind of tend to try and take people at face value/what they say, even though I have a good sense for when things are not as they seem. So this is a bit challenging!

A month in I thought it would still be fun and relatively carefree, with maybe some nervousness!

It does concern me she doesn't think she can walk away if it was the healthy choice... she said she has in the past for other relationships which sounded very mature to me.. I don't know.

 

[MightyMax]

Thank you GalaGirl...


It is not just mine to end, otherwise I might. If my partner chooses to continue then I will be supportive. He feels it is her responsibility to be honest if she can't handle it. But he has moved a bit from 'it could work out' to 'well let's see what happens over the next few weeks'. She is supposed to meet our friends, as our girlfriend, later this month. I did want to see how she reacted to that and was with me and my partner in public with others. She did seem rather surprised we weren't keeping her a secret.

You could end your romantic relationship with her. Remember, you have a relationship with her that is separate from the relationship your partner has with her. You could withdraw your consent and participation in the romantic/sexual relationship between you and her without your partner having to do the same.

 

[MrsBrightside]

@MightyMax: This is true, although we don't really 100% have a romantic relationship as of yet, I've asked to just let things develop naturally if they are going to, but we have both said we would be happy as friends or cuddle partners. I could tell her that I think we may be best as friends for now?

 

[GalaGirl]

I want to think the best of her first, that is my nature, but I definitely have a feeling that she is Not Okay and using a bunch of things either to seek reassurance or test our reactions.

I suggest you listen to your own gut. I like to think the best of people too. But at the same time, she's a stranger. Only a month in. The intensity and emotional volume for so short a time is weird sounding to me. Why so desperate to stay? When it sounds incompatible from the start?

Her past partners have often either not really prioritized her or been outright mean/nasty or borderline abusive (in one case)

Keep in mind that's the story she tells.

1) If true...How long since she was in therapy for being abused? Is she well? How has her dating vetting process changed since then? Because if she keeps picking poorly, she could strengthen her ability to judge character and learn to walk away faster. I am not saying she deserves to be hurt. Nobody does. But after so many bad experiences in the past, why's she picking to be in a thing with you guys that is clearly not a runner instead of walking away faster? Doesn't she want to be in something that is good AND a runner?

2) If not true? Is she lying because she got dumped for drama? It's certainly a better story to get a new attention supplier/audience to cast herself as "poor lil ol' me" damsel in distress type than to say she got dumped because she's a drama queen and the other person got fed up.

Again... only a month in. You don't know her all that well.

It is not just mine to end, otherwise I might.

Yes it is. Your leg of the triangle is yours to end. He can make up his mind about his leg. And if he chooses to stay with her, you could make a new choice later on about whether or not you stay with him. You can always choose who you hang with or not and what you decide to participate in. Your willingness belongs to you. Your well being is your responsibility.

That is what is so off putting about this woman to me. It sounds like she is fobbing off her personal responsibility for her well being on to you and him. "I had a rotten past! I can't possibly walk away from this even if I wanted to! Even if it is not what I really want! Even if I dread the eventual expiry! Don't treat me bad! I want to come see you... if you are not sick of me...."

Daily calls and texting is super high maintenance for a thing that sounds dead in the water. Sounds draining and not all that fun for you.

Galagirl

 

[MrsBrightside]

Yes, that is true GalaGirl. I may step back and take more of a friend role myself soon if this persists or gets worse. I can already tell I'm holding back a bit because of it.

She does also have depression and anxiety issues (I also have anxiety). She is on medication for depression, I know that much. Not sure about therapy though. But so far my partner seems to think her depression may be a factor in her worrying so much, which may be true. I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt on that front too. But I can see your point about being a damsel as well. She also very much idealizes my partner.. which is typical for NRE so I haven't thought much of it, but maybe it is because she is hoping for rescue. I wonder, in that case, where I really fit into this ideal. I am happy being friends if she continues with my partner, but if she expects a white knight of some kind, that gets unfair fast and isn't healthy long term in my opinion...

I guess I'll have to wait somewhat and see, but I am definitely being cautious at this point..

 

[GalaGirl]

Depression + anxiety. The more you write, the less she sounds like a heathy person to be dating at this time to me. This is dating. This is not you (or him) taking on a case load.

She was initially super turned off by hearing he already had a partner and was poly. She nearly stopped talking to him.

She also very much idealizes my partner.. which is typical for NRE so I haven't thought much of it, but maybe it is because she is hoping for rescue.

First she's all cold. Now running desperately hot. Something in there doesn't sound right to me.

While I could be wrong in my guess? To me it sounds like maybe she had another fish on the string and when that one bailed she latched on to your dude right away for supply/new audience. That could make sense to me. Still not healthy, but explains the 180.

I may step back and take more of a friend role myself soon if this persists or gets worse.

I guess I'll have to wait somewhat and see, but I am definitely being cautious at this point..

Yup. If you choose to wait and see... go in with eyes wide open and BS radar turned on. You watch out for your own self. Hopefully your partner has the sense to do same.

Galagirl

 

[WhatHappened]

Thank you GalaGirl...
I want to think the best of her first, that is my nature, but I definitely have a feeling that she is Not Okay and using a bunch of things either to seek reassurance or test our reactions.

It sounds to me like she's being quite upfront in telling you that she doesn't see how this can work long term, given she wants things from life that he has no intention of offering her. So where does 'you want to think the best of her' come into it?

I don't know if sharing my experience will help. I, too, was 'mono,' had never even heard of poly when my poly XBF, a long time good friend, opened up to me, invited me into his world, romanced me. He told me repeatedly I could ask him or tell him anything, that he valued communication. When I told him my concerns--he got angry. When I bit my tongue because he kept getting agitated--he then got angry that I didn't tell him immediately how I really felt. (Um...yeah...)

She's telling you how she feels. He romanced her. She fell for him. She's having a hard time walking away from someone who romanced her, who she now loves being with. But she knows he's not going to offer her what she really wants from life. Why in the world is this an issue of trying to think the best of her? She hasn't done anything wrong. She wants exactly what you want out of life, exactly what most people want out of life.

I guess my biggest concern is that this will actually get worse the more attached she gets, rather than better. It is also starting to make me feel guilty sharing things about my relationship because I haven't wanted to make her feel badly.

Of course it will get worse, as she falls more and more in love with him, as they build a deeper relationship. Of course she'll want more. This is sort of how human nature and romance and relationships work for most people. Not all, but most. Yes, she likely will feel more and more secondary. Do you expect to be your boyfriend's/husband's priority when the two of you are married and have children? If you are his priority, then she is, by definition, secondary. I don't think most people like the feeling of being secondary, less than someone else, even to the very person with whom they're in a romantic, loving relationship. It's an incredibly painful thing to realize that even to your boyfriend, the one who loves you, you're still number two. That his wife is his priority and if need be, you are ultimately disposable. How can this not be painful?

And you know what? She IS going to feel badly--because she IS number two. Because she is NOT going to get marriage or a life long relationship, and be able to fully count on being his priority, ever. You two are expecting her to give up a lot to be with him, while he gives up...what?

I realize reassuring her is not my job, but I guess I did want to know if this was a) a normal level of worrying for a typically-mono person that I can help her with or b) something else was going on.

How are you going to help her? She's told the two of you both exactly what she wants for her life: marriage. Are you and he going to rearrange your lives so that he can marry her and you can be the one living on the outside, getting a two or three nights a week with him, and being secondary?

.... He feels it is her responsibility to be honest if she can't handle it....

I take VERY STRONG exception to the idea among many poly people that monos 'can't handle it.' This implies that somehow the mono is lacking, not strong enough, not smart enough, not something-enough, if they don't want to have their spouse sleep with and romance others, or if they aren't content to be a secondary to someone who's already married and only willing to give them a few nights a week.

My XBF used this term from the start: he thought I was 'smart enough' to 'handle it.' This doesn't have anything to do with intelligence...except that I came to the conclusion no intelligent person would put up with what he was offering, and what his wife was dishing out, after two years with him. My question to him should have been: why should I 'handle it?' A relationship ought to bring joy and peace, not be something we have to be able to 'handle.'

My question for him, even today is: could his wife 'handle it,' being the one to live on her own and work two jobs while I live with him? He told me marriage didn't mean anything to them, that he could have two equal relationships, and yet, funny how for something that 'meant nothing,' I was still expected to be the one on the outside, content with scraps.

So I ask you, why should she 'handle it?' She's telling you both clearly that she wants marriage. He's not offering her that. Be kind, both of you, and leave her alone to find someone who can give her the life she wants.

It does concern me she doesn't think she can walk away if it was the healthy choice... she said she has in the past for other relationships which sounded very mature to me.. I don't know.

I think we all know that it's hard to walk away from someone with whom we've fallen in love. Be kind to her and break it off, both of you. You both know you have no intention of giving her what she really wants out of life.

I'll be honest, this attitude of the one who gets the whole package--the marriage, the house, the children, the partner in life to share burdens and work together, all the things you dream of in life--being oh-so-concerned for the secondary who's expected to go through life with far less than what she really wants, with a part time relationship--well, it always comes across as quite patronizing.

 

[WhatHappened]

BEST I've EVER seen on the primary/secondary structure. Please, take this to heart. It's written by Shelly, partner of Franklin Veux.

From: https://www.morethantwo.com/blog/2014/01/guest-post-on-zero-sum-family-and-consent

"But primary/secondary structures tend to leave a special kind of emotional wreckage. While I freely admit that it is often a mutually beneficial model for all involved, there is a hidden trap. Because sometimes we walk into this structure, with heart in hand, and sometimes our partner meets us there. And then the structure becomes a maze of slamming doors and booby traps. When your partner meets you with real intimacy and love within an externally enforced and non-negotiable framework of limitations, the emotional experience of the relationship is of being simultaneously pulled in and violently shoved out. The cognitive dissonance is even worse. Self-advocacy is often interpreted as homewrecking, and disruptions to the status quo are seen as a hostile act. Remember, you signed up for this, you’re breaking the contract, you’re the bad guy. But don’t be cruel and break his heart, don’t be disruptive and speak for your own. just… just want something else, feel something else, BE SOMEONE ELSE.

So, there is a special place, at the bottom of all of that, where you realize that the only truly “right” thing you can do is just… find a way to disappear. But not with an explosion (you drama queen). Just find a way to disappear quietly so that no one notices. Do the right thing and just…go away."

My XBF very much prided himself and his wife on 15 years of open marriage, on being experienced, on no drama, on treating people wonderfully, on being poly experts, and on and on. But what Shelly writes here is exactly what I experienced. He wanted me to stay. Forever. Until he and his wife retired to a different state and he/they were through with me, I guess. He wanted me to communicate honestly--except never say anything that made him uncomfortable or wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted me to date so his conscience was clear that he wasn't keeping me from anything good--but he found fault with everyone I dated, always telling me they weren't good enough for me--another way of hanging on, with no intention of giving me a full and real relationship.

It was layers and layers of exactly what she describes, and when I read what other secondaries are writing, I think my experience is quite typical.

Again--you two have no intention of giving this girlfriend what she really wants out of life. She's telling you that upfront. Do her a favor and end it before she gets more emotionally involved than she already is.

Just a word--I tried repeatedly to break up with XBF, and he made it really hard, and of course, I was in love with him. Even when I broke up with him the fourth time, after two years together, he wouldn't leave me alone, kept writing to me, kept texting, kept finding excuses, kept drawing me back in bit by bit. He knew darn well he was never going to treat me like a priority in his life, but he has done everything in his power to hang onto me. He has made it very difficult for me to move on. I call this pure selfishness.

 

[MrsBrightside]

I apologize, I think I may have worded things a little badly? I am worried she is giving up what she really wants to be with my partner; and while that is her choice, I want to make it as easy as I can on her while she's with us and let her know she matters to us and we will help her fit into our lives as best we can. I like her a lot and we are growing closer all the time.

At the time I wrote this, although we had had a lot of conversations about her concerns, and neither of us had been dismissive of them like in your example, she seemed to still be acting worried but not voicing anything, so I wasn't sure if there was something more she was worried about that she wasn't yet saying, and maybe she was not as secure in the situation as she was trying to be. We have offered the possibility of a ceremonial marriage (since two legal marriages would be.. well illegal.) I've even asked if she would want to maybe keep dating outside of us, in case she finds someone she could be monogamous with and maybe marry, but that isn't what she would like, which is fine.

Yes, I'm aware it's going to be painful as things go on. Like I said, I am hoping to do my best to: a) honour her decision to stay and welcome her and b) be supportive and let her know that we are there for her if it becomes too painful. I do NOT think if she has to step away that she is 'not strong enough'. I am well aware that poly is not for everyone, but I do also have to trust that she will tell us that if it gets to that point.

I am also not opposed to the possibility of her becoming a primary. But much like any relationship, we've only known her for two months, and she lives in another city. I realize it's not going to be totally equal or fair, maybe not for a while, but I want to help make it easier and help her know that we adore and care about her and what we have with her. We won't know what it'll turn into yet, it's early on. But we are also new at this (poly, anyways, we have always been non-monogamous), so it's a process for everyone. We are already working out ways we can see each other more (my partner is up there every three weeks for work) and that seems to have helped her a lot.

I've heard a lot of talk about unicorn hunters being arrogant for trying to force a third person into their world, their way and not be concerned about the third person's feelings or desires. I am trying to take K's feelings and desires into account and proceed with caution and check in and make sure she's okay. It might hurt eventually anyways, but I don't think I am being patronizing. However, I am sure having gone through what you did, I can see how it might be construed as such. I'm sorry for being careless in my wording, it's not truly reflective of how I feel.

I'm in a bit better and less confused place now, plus I am slowly getting to know her better, to know her well enough if she is the type to let her feelings known or pretend she is okay when she isn't. I am building trust with her and she is with us too. We talk a lot about the future (since that is where most of her concerns lie.) I just was having a hard time reading the situation because she was acting really worried but brushing aside conversations about it for a time. I didn't know what to make of it and looked for advice on how I could maybe help her if she was worried but not actively voicing it.

I do not think she did anything wrong... We have been burned recently by a person who was not honest about what they wanted from the situation and it was almost very destructive, which is where the 'wanting to think the best of her' comment came from more than anything. I didn't want to assume it was a bad thing.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"I didn't know what to make of it and looked for advice on how I could maybe help her if she was worried but not actively voicing it."

Well I think it's often hard, even impossible, to read someone's mind. And yet, if she's worried but not actively voicing it, that's exactly the position she's putting you in. The best you can do is ask her if she's worried about this or that (whatever your best guess is as far as what you think she's worried about), then puzzle over possible solutions (and you can turn to this forum for specific help) if she confirms what you're guessing.

Do you have a guess as far as what you think she's specifically worried about? Do you want to share what that is here in this thread? We can suggest possible solutions. Although, perhaps you can see how it would make sense to find out from her if it's what she's really worried about?

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MrsBrightside]

Haha I know minds can't be read. But sometimes just hearing similar circumstances helps.

I think I mentioned the issues before; she thinks she can maybe handle us getting married and feel compersion over that, but she does not want kids, so if I got pregnant she would distance herself at that point for sure.

 

[kdt26417]

I wonder if she'll find a single guy who'll marry her and not expect to have kids with her?