Rebound or Real?

[BrianneGoddess]

After a painful, or any breakup... How can I tell if feelings of attraction for others is a rebound response, my latent curiosity going "no more waiting" or something real?
My attraction for Wonder Woman snuck up on me, I didn't see it coming.

I have no idea what I'm doing and if what I'm feeling for someone (okay a few someone's but one in particular) is real or rebound.

Any ideas or advice?

Or is it just still too soon?

 

[opalescent]

'Rebound' feelings are real. There aren't real feelings and rebound feelings. However bad timing or not enough time to heal are a real thing. Not wanting to be alone is a real thing. Wanting to be loved, to be desired are real things. All of these and more can make having feelings for someone new after a hard break up complicated. The question is not of if the feelings are real. You are feeling them - they exist. The question is if you are in 'good enough working order' to act on them ethically and compassionately (towards the other person and yourself) at this time in your life.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BrianneGoddess,

I agree with opalescent, your feelings are perfectly real, it's just a question of whether you are in working order yet so to speak. Perhaps the thing to do is proceed but proceed slowly. Baby steps. This way you have time to evaluate how things are going and if continuing is a good idea.

I sympathize with you concerning your breakup, I know you loved (and probably still love) WonderWoman a lot and are really broken up over that. You're a perfectly good person and you deserve some happiness. So I hope one of these new possibilities will work out!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[sdguitarguy]

Great post, opalescent.

The issue facing you, Brianne, is whether your feelings overwhelm your ability to make good decisions (assume Yes for now). Don't question your feelings but definitely question your judgement at this particular juncture. Usually the best path after a breakup is to address the thing you are most afraid of. Easy to say, hard to do.

 

[tenK]

One thing I'd try to be especially aware of in this situation is whether I looked to be falling into a similar pattern to the previous relationship. For instance, are these other relationships online and all consuming like the last one? This might be a potential red-flag - when we fail to recognise the patterns of our own behaviour we are sometimes destined to be trapped in similar cycles. Personally, while healing from any kind of disappointing experience, I'd be (at least temporarily) seeking out different kinds of interactions/experiences. The danger of online relationships is that it encourages an unrealistic amount of fantasising and expectation-generation. It's easy to whip yourself into a frenzy about someone and later find they are not all they, or your own brain, made them out to be. In your shoes I'd take a sabbatical from that kind of interaction for a long while, and only nurture connections with people I interact face to face with for now.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

'Rebound' feelings are real. There aren't real feelings and rebound feelings. However bad timing or not enough time to heal are a real thing. Not wanting to be alone is a real thing. Wanting to be loved, to be desired are real things. All of these and more can make having feelings for someone new after a hard break up complicated. The question is not of if the feelings are real. You are feeling them - they exist. The question is if you are in 'good enough working order' to act on them ethically and compassionately (towards the other person and yourself) at this time in your life.

Thank you for this fresh and beautiful take on feelings!! I'm thinking from entirely another angle now. Excellent reminder to treat the new person ethically and compassionately.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

Hi BrianneGoddess,

I agree with opalescent, your feelings are perfectly real, it's just a question of whether you are in working order yet so to speak. Perhaps the thing to do is proceed but proceed slowly. Baby steps. This way you have time to evaluate how things are going and if continuing is a good idea.

I sympathize with you concerning your breakup, I know you loved (and probably still love) WonderWoman a lot and are really broken up over that. You're a perfectly good person and you deserve some happiness. So I hope one of these new possibilities will work out!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you Kevin. I do still love her, enough that it's driving me still crazy daily. But I don't feel dead inside anymore. I don't feel a weight inside my chest anymore and the dreams and nightmares are happening less frequently. I'm slowly regaining my appetite and the ability to not associate everything around me with her.

It's slow progress. Baby steps. But at the Same time I do want to feel love, happiness etc. Feeling attraction for someone other than my husband is still new to me. Now feeling it and acknowledging it for a few other people is both exciting and a bit scary for me.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

Great post, opalescent.

The issue facing you, Brianne, is whether your feelings overwhelm your ability to make good decisions (assume Yes for now). Don't question your feelings but definitely question your judgement at this particular juncture. Usually the best path after a breakup is to address the thing you are most afraid of. Easy to say, hard to do.

Assessing judgement and decision making ability is hard. Not something I've actively thought Of yet beyond trying to make small decisions daily while on this path. Clearly I need to put aside some more thinking and processing time.

 

[BrianneGoddess]

One thing I'd try to be especially aware of in this situation is whether I looked to be falling into a similar pattern to the previous relationship. For instance, are these other relationships online and all consuming like the last one? This might be a potential red-flag - when we fail to recognise the patterns of our own behaviour we are sometimes destined to be trapped in similar cycles. Personally, while healing from any kind of disappointing experience, I'd be (at least temporarily) seeking out different kinds of interactions/experiences. The danger of online relationships is that it encourages an unrealistic amount of fantasising and expectation-generation. It's easy to whip yourself into a frenzy about someone and later find they are not all they, or your own brain, made them out to be. In your shoes I'd take a sabbatical from that kind of interaction for a long while, and only nurture connections with people I interact face to face with for now.

I agree totally and after reading this I realised that aside one of them, yes they are people I know in "real life".

I will be more aware now of the patterns. This too is excellent advice. Thanks TenK

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Brianne, I know this is an older thread from your journey, but I wanted to tell you of my similar experience.

I was married for about 25 years when the internet became so available and interesting. There was suddenly so much more opportunity to effortlessly connect with people.

I was on one board and there I "met" quite a few men with whom I connected. After feeling misunderstood, frustrated and disrespected in my marriage, the attention from others felt so great. They reminded me of my value and attractiveness, sense of humor and so many other things. It was enlightening. I'd been settling for less than I deserved with my husband for so long. We'd done lots of couples counseling but we kept hitting a brick wall. Even our therapist threw up her hands at his resistance.

So, online, one guy in particular, and I, really hit it off. He lived 1000 miles away in Colorado. I live in Massachusetts. I fell hard for him and couldn't get enough of our chat. And we had cybersex. After about 6 months of knowing him, and 3 months of a romantic cyber relationship, I was ready to go visit him. (My husband and I had opened and then reclosed our marriage some years prior, but I wanted to renegotiate things.)

However, when I proposed meeting, that is when my online bf bailed on me. He didn't want a real relationship, and in fact started dating a couple local women. He told me he was only attracted to thin women and I wasn't "his type" after all, since I am curvy. It broke my heart.

But I didn't regret having spent so much time talking to him (and to a lesser extent, a few other nice men). It opened my eyes to what I was missing out on in my marriage. I was not happy with my husband, but kept things going out of a sense of loyalty, stubbornness, duty and responsibility, house, kids. I figured that was just "what you do."

I tried many things for a couple more years to try and fix my marriage but it was just no use. I realised I was throwing good money after bad, so to speak. So we split. I am so glad! I am much happier now.

tl/dr version: An online relationship didn't work out for me the way I wished, but it opened my eyes to important things I was missing in my marriage, and would never get. This experience and the knowledge I gained ultimately led to a much happier life for me.