Rebuilding: Has taking a break from outside relationships worked for you?

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you hurt. :( I could be wrong but here's how it reads to me...

Could taking a break from outside relationships help?

Yes. Times of trouble is NOT the time to be adding new players to a polyship.​

Who are the current players?


You, DH, Shasti, her DH. These are the players of the current polyship. They are already HERE. (ie: not outside this polyship)​

What layer of the polymath is the problem on?

(You + DH)​

What seems to be the problem?


You seem to need time together -- since he works so much and is dating -- what time is for (you and him) alone?

You seem to need to feel safe and secure. You seem to be having poly hell things going on as he dates Shasti. You note when it is on the calendar ahead of time it is easier to adjust to. What other things do you need for beforecare/aftercare?

Is he willing and able to consider your struggle and take steps to minimize pain / do behaviors to help you find relief and acclimate to the "the new normal?"

You have had a lot of changes in a short time -- that can add to your stress scale.

1) Start exploring BDSM -- 36 mos ago
2) Opening Relationship - 16 mos ago
3) Marriage (last Oct) - 11 mos ago <-- you were "forced" to marry him? What's that all about?
4) College kid leaves -- now Empty Nest

Some things in life are not "plan-able" but the things that ARE... could plan them far enough apart so they are not right on top of each other causing you extra stress. What stresses you today?


What have you asked him to do to solve the problem?



You have already stepped back from the D/s that was clouding judgement. That's a start.

For him to stop seeing Shasti so you have time with him. He's not willing to stop seeing Shasti -- she's already IN the polymath. (I assume she's basically an ok person and not like a serial killer or other kind of nutjob.)

If so... you could apologize to him for asking him to dump his OTHER valued partner as a solution to fixing whatever time management problems (you + dh) have. Maybe that could be a first step to returning to right relationship with dh? If you want time with him, ask for TIME with him.

Could ask more specifically for the behaviors you want for him TO DO rather than the ones NOT TO DO instead. See if he's willing to do them or not at this time.
Could focus on what you want, not what you don't want.

What could you ask him to do (behaviors) more specifically?



Is DH willing/able to spend regular time working on (you + DH)? Could set a date to work on this each week and/or go see counselor to work on it there. Whatever you both decide the best approach to tackle this one thing at a time is. (I assume you both are willing/able to tackle it.)

Is DH willing/able to honor agreements between you and not break them again? (Which did he break? Are they reasonable/realistic as they stand? Do they need to be renegotiated adjusted for changed circumstances?)

Is DH willing/able to consider your feelings and make a plan with you to deal with with poly hell things and jealousy things as they pop up.(Not stated, I'm just guessing here that this is some of it. Maybe this article or this hub one could help also.)

Is DH willing/able to see that an "avoid" conflict resolution style can work sometimes, but in this situation that style isn't helping. Is he willing to work on a different conflict resolution method with you?


Could ask him if he's still in this with you. You seem to want that.

"I don't love this stuff we're going through. I still love you. Do you feel the same? That you don't live this stuff we're going through but you still love me?"​

Could ask other things...

  • "Are you willing/able to work on our problems and set a date to start dealing with them on the calendar? Do you need space to cool off first?"
  • "Am I meeting all YOUR needs right now? Any behaviors that I could DO or NOT DO at this time to help take away rather than add to the problems?"

[/indent]

That his feelings for me had changed. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore. That was on my birthday.

Well, he's reporting his own emotional weather to you. Ask him if he needs reassuring/support of his own. He's sounding overwhelmed too.

You've already been reporting your emotional weather to him. Now what?

You guys could take steps to weather it out well and see if things change in time and you return to right relationship.

What steps would you like to take? How do you see yourself getting through this? What's the desired outcome?

Could you elaborate on the "forcing" you to marry him? What's that all about and how does that play into today's problems?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

gorgeouskitten

New member
I didn't realize this was a D/s situation.

That method of relating to another human being couldn't be more antithetical to how I believe we should treat each other. It seems to breed this kind of obsessive dependency.

I'd agree with you Marcus, but im curious if she meant they have an actual master/slave dynamic, or do some d/s in the bedroom. I do some d/s with both my guys, but it never leaves the bedroom, so has no impact on our regular lives or other relationships. I wouldnt be ok with that
 

Marcus

Active member
I'd agree with you Marcus, but im curious if she meant they have an actual master/slave dynamic, or do some d/s in the bedroom. I do some d/s with both my guys, but it never leaves the bedroom, so has no impact on our regular lives or other relationships. I wouldnt be ok with that

The D/s impact on her life seems to be pretty serious...

I have been trying to separate the love from dependency. I have stepped back from the D/s as it has totally messed up my autonomy. I put myself through all sorts of hell learning to be less independent, more compliant, more accepting of someone else controlling my life, just to be cut loose with no interest in my well-being.
 

Mesa

New member
Hi Petunia,
I am so sorry that this is the response you got on this thread. I know the thread it old and you might not be on here anymore, but I can't help replying because I am horrified to see what people wrote to you. This is a heartbreaking situation and it sounds like what you experienced was NOT consensual polyamory. The people on this thread who are justifying your ex-husband's behavior, specifically Marcus, are probably accustomed to using the construct of polyamory to abuse their partners in relationships. You owned your emotions and made reasonable requests and your husband was not honest with you and ultimately betrayed you. Many men use "polyamory" as a way to avoid dealing with conflicts in their relationships or to leave someone in a way that is more painless for them. I had a partner emotionally abuse me by coercing me into a polyamorous relationship that I did not feel okay with because of his history of lying to me about his other partners. He then did not follow any of the agreements we had made and one night just screamed and me and left me for the other person because I would not agree to his demands. Good job pushing back against people telling you that the harm you experienced was your fault. Stay strong.
 

Petunia

Member
Hi Petunia,
I am so sorry that this is the response you got on this thread. I know the thread it old and you might not be on here anymore, but I can't help replying because I am horrified to see what people wrote to you. This is a heartbreaking situation and it sounds like what you experienced was NOT consensual polyamory. The people on this thread who are justifying your ex-husband's behavior, specifically Marcus, are probably accustomed to using the construct of polyamory to abuse their partners in relationships. You owned your emotions and made reasonable requests and your husband was not honest with you and ultimately betrayed you. Many men use "polyamory" as a way to avoid dealing with conflicts in their relationships or to leave someone in a way that is more painless for them. I had a partner emotionally abuse me by coercing me into a polyamorous relationship that I did not feel okay with because of his history of lying to me about his other partners. He then did not follow any of the agreements we had made and one night just screamed and me and left me for the other person because I would not agree to his demands. Good job pushing back against people telling you that the harm you experienced was your fault. Stay strong.
Thank you, Mesa. This is indeed an old thread, but it's still one that crosses my mind fairly often. Basically, Marcus is an ass of the biggest proportions.

Twitch saw a therapist three times. The first he went alone, the second time the therapist asked me to join him so he could get a good read on the situation, and the third session the therapist told him he needed to step up and do some work on himself. To which Twitch bowed out of doing any personal work on his issues and instead decided to end our relationship. To recap, two therapists separately concluded that Twitch was emotionally stunted and immature.

Our divorce was final in the spring. We kept the attorneys out of it and filed everything ourselves. When we got to court Twitch had modified our agreement to be even more in my favor. Because we were so amicable, the judge allowed us to leave our finances co-mingled, because of the house we owned together.

We hung out together during the summer and that fall he let me know shortly before the big event, that he and Shasti were expecting a baby. Surprise! He didn't think she could get pregnant (previously she went through in vitro attempts that failed), so he wasn't using protection, and she failed to tell him that she had a 33% chance of conception. So, that explained the extra generosity with the divorce settlement. Guilt is pretty powerful.

Seven years later, Twitch and I are friendly - we have always been friendly, so it's not something that resolved over time. For YEARS (~5ish years) he wanted to reverse the course he chose and repair our relationship, but I had no interest. I spent years telling him that he needed to move on, to enjoy fatherhood, and start living his life without guilt. I landed in a fabulous poly relationship (that became a triad) a number of months out from everything imploding. Overall, everything is tits/lovely. Emotionally mature adults for the win!

When I reread all of this (only skimming) I think people were harsh because of poor word choices on my end that they glommed onto and also because like I mentioned, I was already being brutally honest and hard on myself and actually may have been taking more blame that I really deserved, but they didn't have that perspective so they were generous with their harsh judgement of me. So, all I can say is many of the people who told me I was shitty, can simply go fuck themselves.

I totally agree that many men in poly use it as a free ticket to be selfish pricks and justify their shitty, immature behavior. I'm sorry you have experienced this first-hand. Just know that there are wonderful people out there that handle polyamory with grace and are great partners. With Bond and B, I feel heard and supported and loved. 💗
 

Petunia

Member
Do you still agree with this?
Yes, as long as the person is actively working on it. It's not fair to be a road block and just stay in that zone because you don't want to move forward.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Petunia,

Thanks for your update on this thread, I did not realize you went through such a terrible time in the beginning. I am glad that you have an awesome triad relationship with Bond and B. Namaste!

Kevin T.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Basically, Marcus is an ass of the biggest proportions.
Why is this comment allowed to stand? Does it not violate the terms of use here?

The OP might have perhaps gone through a "terrible time" in this thread but not because of any intent from community members here. As always, we discuss polyamory and offer our best assessment of situations, given our vast experience. We are not here for blanket "support" of everyone. Marcus is one of our valued community members of long standing for a reason. Everyone comes to this forum for experienced advice and is free to take or leave what he/she receives. If anyone has a "terrible time," it is almost always because that person isn't ready to hear and assess what members have to say.

I ask the moderators to remove the personal comment about one of our community members. It is the only comment in this thread that violates the forum terms of use.
 

Petunia

Member
Sorry I broke the TOS with my direct comment about Marcus. I can't edit my post so go ahead and delete it.

I will say that Marcus was callous and cruel in his advice. So much so that his comments have stayed with me for years.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I will say that Marcus was callous and cruel in his advice. So much so that his comments have stayed with me for years.
If his words have stayed with you for yeas, then perhaps they fell on fertile ground and have something of value to offer you. My guess is that if you could have (or still) ask Marcus for clarification, then you'd be able to hear them in a different way and maybe not completely agree, but reap the benefit of his perspective.
 

Petunia

Member
If his words have stayed with you for yeas, then perhaps they fell on fertile ground and have something of value to offer you. My guess is that if you could have (or still) ask Marcus for clarification, then you'd be able to hear them in a different way and maybe not completely agree, but reap the benefit of his perspective.
His words stayed with me because he was cruel. I don't need clarification. For the record, you're making assumptions that I didn't take his words to heart and use his advice. I've already stated several times in this thread that I always look to see what role I play in interactions, especially those that go sideways. I'm not easy on myself. But I'm also not a doormat.

As far as asking him to clarify, not happening. My life has moved on and I'm not in the same space anymore. The only reason I'm here commenting on this thread is because someone resurrected it.
 

Inaniel

Member
Hi Petunia,
I am so sorry that this is the response you got on this thread. I know the thread it old and you might not be on here anymore, but I can't help replying because I am horrified to see what people wrote to you. This is a heartbreaking situation and it sounds like what you experienced was NOT consensual polyamory. The people on this thread who are justifying your ex-husband's behavior, specifically Marcus, are probably accustomed to using the construct of polyamory to abuse their partners in relationships.

That is an inflammatory and unfounded allegation on Marcus. I am not writing in support of him or his word choices in this thread. But id like to point out the irony of the fact that name-calling is something that Marcus didn't reduce himself to in this thread...

I think the suggestion that Twitch used the construct of poly to abuse is misleading. It sounds like the Poly relationship referenced in the original post was conceived and maybe even incentivized by Petunia. If Petunia pushed a mono man to try poly and it all fell apart, that does not sound like abuse to me, that sounds more like inexperience and mistakes on both sides.

So, all I can say is many of the people who told me I was shitty, can simply go fuck themselves.

No one said that to you...

I totally agree that many men in poly use it as a free ticket to be selfish pricks and justify their shitty, immature behavior.

I understand you are hurt but please don't paint a majority of men in poly with a broad brush. It only serves to inflame and alienate a large group of people. Franky, its immature behavior.

This relatively tame thread devolved into inflammatory language and name calling; but not until 7yrs after it was authored... I'm tempted to think we are being trolled by old hurt feelings...
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Many men use "polyamory" as a way to avoid dealing with conflicts in their relationships or to leave someone in a way that is more painless for them.
Ugh, yes - and then there's this.

This thread was exhumed just to blame polyamory and just to blame men. How does any of this help anyone move forward toward a happier life?

Many men and many women use poly for a lot of crap reasons, but faaaaaaar more men and faaaaaaaar more women use *monogamy as a way of avoiding conflict or to leave someone. If we're going to start blaming relationship frameworks for relationship ills, then let's begin with monogamy which is the framework for 99% of all relationship violations, including gaslighting, betrayal, manipulation, lying and abuse. Blaming a relationship framework and blaming an entire gender for one's own relationship problems is a ridiculous copout. We all live and learn the hard way, so live, learn, take responsibility and do better next time.

* Since neither Mesa nor Petunia bother to stick around and actually participate in this community or get to know people here before they make snappy remarks about the members, I'll add that I identify as monogamous.
 
Last edited:

Petunia

Member
Unfounded? It was not unfounded, as I'm the only one whose judgement of his comments apply. If after 7 years the only lasting impression I have of this whole post is Marcus' cruelty, then it's not unfounded.

I've never given such an unvarnished response to anything online prior to my response yesterday which says a lot. And I'm prone to cussing, so pardon my language.

As far as me being in the wrong for broaching the idea of polyamory to Twitch, well that's ridiculous. Couples should be free to talk about their relationship and its structure. It's not like I did more than ask him to consider it.

I quit participating in this forum after this thread because of Marcus' treatment. Maybe he owes me an apology. I'm sorry for my lack of restraint in calling him out, but I feel it's justified.

It's laughable that you think you're being trolled. Please!
 

Petunia

Member
I'm not Mesa. I have no idea who this person is. This came out of the blue.

Quoting and replying to one person in a thread doesn't mean you aren't also addressing others. Sorry if I got confused by your replies.
 

Petunia

Member
I'm really tired of this thread and how icky it all feels. Please let's all walk away. It was a very negative experience (this post and the end of my marriage) and I'm moving on.
 

Marcus

Active member
The people on this thread who are justifying your ex-husband's behavior, specifically Marcus, are probably accustomed to using the construct of polyamory to abuse their partners in relationships.

This thread just turned into a troll dumpster fire didn't it? lol

This is an ancient thread and I honestly don't recall what I said that is agitating this person so greatly. I hope that the moderators will address this issue as I don't think that this kind of character assassination really lines up with the way I have seen this group behave in the past.
 
Top