Recovering from bumps in the road.

[BathedInSalt]

Dean and I had our first bump in the road (the road being our transition from a monogamous marriage to conscious polyamory).

We both knew these types of things were going to happen. We knew despite our best intentions of talking out every detail the one of us would do something that the other would cringe too and it would cause tension and weirdness, but we both know that we have the tools to get through these parts, the self-awareness and communication skills.

Even with all of that out there, something happened and it was my "fault". It was innocent, we'll cover BUT I don't actually know how.
I'll be honest with you, last night when Dean and I were feeling separated all I knew to do was provide physical intimacy. Sex as coping skill. Let's just say that feels like an inadequate tool for this job.

Dean is still processing, the reason we haven't talked it all out is because there are a lot of things unknown to him about the situation. The why's. Until he knows, we can't talk.

I am fighting this urge to fix it. I am a fixer, a peacemaker by natural predisposition.

I wouldn't call this situation a fight at all.

I made a choice, possibly pushed/crossed a boundary I didn't know existed.

Transition is definitely the place we are in right now, it's awkward, it's exciting, it has its growing pains.

My question is how did you handle this time? How are you handling your bumps in the road? I could really use some sage advice from the seniors here.

If I had to give myself advice right now I'd say: give Dean some time to process, try not to "fix" it, keep talking, be kind to yourself- you didn't do anything "wrong", and maybe do what Dean needs right now - even if that means taking a break from the way things are moving along. Ride out the weirdness, tomorrow it will be better.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BathedInSalt,

Re:

"Dean is still processing, the reason we haven't talked it all out is because there are a lot of things unknown to him about the situation. The why's. Until he knows, we can't talk."

But how can he know if you don't talk? That part confuses me. Is there something he'll find out on his own if you just wait it out?

Other than that, you seem to be doing the right things to recover from this bump.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Shaya]

Hey BathedinSalt,

I think you're doing well. Bumps will be had but you're doing well. You're going slow. You're reading resources. You're considerate of others. The only thing I see in you that you may want to take a closer look at is your NRE and its effect on Dean.

I know the NRE and the better communication has led to a better sex life with Dean. But speaking from someone recently in Dean's position, the better sex does not completely abolish the insecurity and jealousy. I don't want to project myself into his shoes, but I do wonder what Dean gets out of polyamory. Compared to what you get, it seems he gets very little. The extra sex he gets would be tiny in comparison to the extra sex and excitement you would have gotten with BlueEyes. The extra work he has to put in to manage his jealousy and insecurity is far more than the work you would have to put in to manage your NRE. I wonder if Dean was secretly relieved that the BlueEyes episode ended the way it did. I wonder if he was secretly anxious that you immediately started dating again. BlueEyes must have been a roller coaster of emotions for Dean - I can't see Dean being excited about starting on that roller coaster again so soon, but then I'm not Dean.

In short, if you find yourself having silly arguments with Dean, I would venture to guess that the bigger issue is the speed with which you are entering polyamory. You strike me as clever and cautious, but sometimes, I think NRE can be more blinding than we think. Just a tale of caution based on how I would feel in Dean's shoes, but Dean may be very different from me.

Best wishes as always,
Shaya.

 

[lunabunny]

You don't actually say what caused the sudden awkwardness and discomfort between you, and it is probably not necessary to divulge that here if it's too personal.

That said, knowledge of the circumstances surrounding your small "crime" may help this forum understand why simply using sex as a "bandaid" to soothe and comfort Dean in his distress might not be the best option, and may help us help YOU discover more effective ways of dealing with further similar bumps in the road.

Perhaps your husband feels he is being "paid off" with sex - i.e. feels you're using sex to "silence" any hurt, discomfort or jealousy he may express. Just a thought.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I am fighting this urge to fix it. I am a fixer, a peacemaker by natural predisposition.

I encourage you to keep stepping back from this urge to fix and would argue that the inclination to take a peacemaker role isn't innate, but a way you learned, likely very early on, to attempt to keep things safe and predictable in an environment that was not very safe and not very predictable. In another context, I'd call this kind of person a controller, but that's a judgy term and obviously your heart is in the right place. The thing about peacemakers is that they are usually not really making actual peace, they are acting out of fear and attempting to smooth things over so that all appears to be well. But things are not well until each person first knows how to take active responsibility for his/her part in the conflict. Sometimes, getting to that point takes quite a bit of uncertainty and giving each other space - things that tend to make peacemakers pretty uncomfortable. You're in that place right now and that's why I say that I encourage you to keep stepping back from your urge to fix. It's never about fault finding, it's about taking responsibility for how you two fit together in your conflict. A conflict can't happen unless two are participating.

How are you handling your bumps in the road? .....I'd say: give Dean some time to process, try not to "fix" it, keep talking, be kind to yourself- you didn't do anything "wrong", and maybe do what Dean needs right now - even if that means taking a break from the way things are moving along. Ride out the weirdness, tomorrow it will be better.

This is really good advice to yourself.

Something that works well in my 18 year marriage is our agreement for one of us say "I'm sorry" and the other to accept the apology by saying, "It's OK." Some people balk at "admitting wrong doing when it's not my fault," but our agreement is that admitting wrong doing is not the point. The point is not to win or lose or even to solve anything. The point is that sometimes the conflict is much too big to unpack right then and there. We need to have a script of sorts that allows us to genuinely make peace together and give each other the emotional breathing room to process individually. A partnership that relies on a peacemaker is a partnership in which both people are struggling with conflict resolution and real peace. And again, I'd say that a person who falls into a peacemaker role isn't doing it because it's an innate personality trait but because he/she has learned it as a coping mechanism around fear of conflict. In a healthy intimate relationship, the partners allow each other the emotional separation to work out their individual thoughts and feelings which involves some measure of temporary uncertainty.

So looking at your role as a peacemaker will not only improve your relationships, but will make you happier in general in the long run. Feeling compelled to fix relationships is exhausting and stressful.

 

[BathedInSalt]

Hey BathedinSalt,

I think you're doing well. Bumps will be had but you're doing well. You're going slow. You're reading resources. You're considerate of others. The only thing I see in you that you may want to take a closer look at is your NRE and its effect on Dean.

I know the NRE and the better communication has led to a better sex life with Dean. But speaking from someone recently in Dean's position, the better sex does not completely abolish the insecurity and jealousy. I don't want to project myself into his shoes, but I do wonder what Dean gets out of polyamory. Compared to what you get, it seems he gets very little. The extra sex he gets would be tiny in comparison to the extra sex and excitement you would have gotten with BlueEyes. The extra work he has to put in to manage his jealousy and insecurity is far more than the work you would have to put in to manage your NRE. I wonder if Dean was secretly relieved that the BlueEyes episode ended the way it did. I wonder if he was secretly anxious that you immediately started dating again. BlueEyes must have been a roller coaster of emotions for Dean - I can't see Dean being excited about starting on that roller coaster again so soon, but then I'm not Dean.

In short, if you find yourself having silly arguments with Dean, I would venture to guess that the bigger issue is the speed with which you are entering polyamory. You strike me as clever and cautious, but sometimes, I think NRE can be more blinding than we think. Just a tale of caution based on how I would feel in Dean's shoes, but Dean may be very different from me.

Best wishes as always,
Shaya.

I don't mean to be rude, but I can happily say you've got us all wrong here are some things:

NRE: I'm not feeling this at all outside of the renewed/walls blasted open relationship I currently have with Dean. I'm not in any new relationships. I'm dating (1 man so far if you don't count my not date/dates with /Blue Eyes) and I have plans to try a date with 3 other men that Dean knows about. I still have NRE to look forward to and I'm very skeptical about the BIG deal it's been portrayed to be in many threads.

Jealousy: Dean isn't the least bit jealous or possessive. Here's a direct quote "It's more like I treat you with respect and I acknowledge your power and control over your own life, offering my opinions, not seeking to control you." I've actually expressed my issues with the fact that he isn't jealous. It bothers me to a degree, although I'm accepting his loving and am more secure in our relationship for doing so.

Insecurity: This is part of the bump, it played on his insecurity. Something I didn't know was there, but probably because I hadn't seen it before.

What Does Dean get out of Polyamory: Great question for Dean, but he is seeking other partners as well. He is wanting this too, although I highly doubt he would've ever come to it on his own. We are both opening up to the idea of having FWB type play partners who are not committed relationships and that excites him to a degree I've not seen (insert blushing face icon).

Extra Sex: I don't downplay this. It's not just extra sex, it's extra great, trying new things improved quality sex I've never had with anyone else sex. (insert blushing face icon) Physical affection is a huge factor in me experiencing love and connection. This is deepening our love roots <3

Relief over Blue: Dean helped me lick my wounds, he still does as that episode is still drawing to a close. I asked Dean point blank if he was relieved over Blue not wanting what I was offering and Dean said no, all he's ever expressed was that he felt bad for me. Felt sad because I felt sad and that he hoped things would've gone better and that he hated seeing me hurt.

Secrets: You mention Dean secretly feeling some way. We don't have secrets. I feel secure in this. How could we do this with secrets?

Silly Arguments: This was not an argument or fight. It was something else. It was a situation we both saw coming at some point.

Pace of my poly: I am moving at a natural speed for me and trying to move slower for Dean.

I don't mean to be nit-picky, and thank you for replying with your thoughts because they definitely helps die clear mine up!

 

[BathedInSalt]

You don't actually say what caused the sudden awkwardness and discomfort between you, and it is probably not necessary to divulge that here if it's too personal.

That said, knowledge of the circumstances surrounding your small "crime" may help this forum understand why simply using sex as a "bandaid" to soothe and comfort Dean in his distress might not be the best option, and may help us help YOU discover more effective ways of dealing with further similar bumps in the road.

Perhaps your husband feels he is being "paid off" with sex - i.e. feels you're using sex to "silence" any hurt, discomfort or jealousy he may express. Just a thought.

Interesting thought.
I think I use sex as a bandaid to soothe myself more than Dean. Maybe it just reads as entirely selfish!
This behavior has been reinforced because it almost always works.
Not with Dean though and how awesome is that, because now I have to face this and figure it out.

I didn't share details, but it was basically things moved too fast with a man Dean hadn't heard of before. I have been talking to Dean about the people I'm talking too, letting them know who they are. This guy and all that came with him was totally out of the blue. I'm purposely not speaking for Dean, because he is a lurker here and if he wants to tell his story he should.

 

[BathedInSalt]

I encourage you to keep stepping back from this urge to fix and would argue that the inclination to take a peacemaker role isn't innate, but a way you learned, likely very early on, to attempt to keep things safe and predictable in an environment that was not very safe and not very predictable. In another context, I'd call this kind of person a controller, but that's a judgy term and obviously your heart is in the right place. The thing about peacemakers is that they are usually not really making actual peace, they are acting out of fear and attempting to smooth things over so that all appears to be well. But things are not well until each person first knows how to take active responsibility for his/her part in the conflict. Sometimes, getting to that point takes quite a bit of uncertainty and giving each other space - things that tend to make peacemakers pretty uncomfortable. You're in that place right now and that's why I say that I encourage you to keep stepping back from your urge to fix. It's never about fault finding, it's about taking responsibility for how you two fit together in your conflict. A conflict can't happen unless two are participating.


So looking at your role as a peacemaker will not only improve your relationships, but will make you happier in general in the long run. Feeling compelled to fix relationships is exhausting and stressful.

Nail on the head. I never thought if it as a learned behavior. I'm not even sure why? Maybe because I learned it as a toddler? Then it was a behavior praised by my Christian upbringing. I've dealt with many behaviors like that, good hearted qualities that um...don't serve me well at all. I'll add this to the list!

Thank you so much.

 

[BathedInSalt]

Dean and I have kissed and made up.

Here's what worked:

Space. It didn't take much space, but I imagine this might always work.
Dean taking time to look at this himself. He took a break from work by the water, bought himself a kombucha, sat, drank, thought, even wrote notes for when we would talk.

"how can he know if we don't talk?" well, he needed to figure out what was actually wrong before he could address it, first alone and then together. I think this is just another way people process. I could be wrong. It certainly seems to work for him. Like gathering your thoughts before speaking.

Asked him what he needed, he mentioned not speaking to the man that was part of the issue so I just didn't communicate with any of my potential suitors all day. It was easy to comply and I think the gesture was appreciated.

He came home, grabbed my face and deeply kissed me, excited to talk. (yes I'm a proud partner for this, impressed)
Distraction from the urge to "fix", including posting on here and talking to dear friends.
Riding out the weird feelings, not forcing Dean to deal with this "now" just to try to avoid any more discomfort for either if us, but I suppose mostly me.

Listening, not speaking as much. I'm a talker, you can tell by my average number of words per post

Asking if he wanted me to talk, to explain anything, to illuminate anything for him before speaking.

Here's a surprise, when I was given permission to help (fix?) I started with asking if there was anything I could do to help him with his insecurity, to provide him security. I asked questions that were picking at his psyche a bit, he stopped me and said "you're getting in my head" and I couldn't tell if that was good or bad so I said that. I think I asked if he wanted me there (in his head). At the end of our conversation he said he did want me in there and thanked me for driving him with questions to look deeper.

Crying: There weren't many tears, but enough to precipitate some relief. Ease the pressure.

He admittedly still felt weird, but by bedtime he was feeling better.
We capped the evening with physical intimacy, which now I see is him telling me he's ready for connection and not the act of connecting itself (like I see it).
I don't mean to sound like that's the only thing we see physical intimacy as, but that's definitely one way.