Recovering from coerced non-monogamy

[Icewraithonyx]

Origin story is pretty cliche: long time married, wife fell in love, decided she was polyamorous.

Despite tons of advice about slowing down and making sure everyone is on board, it seems to me that "surprise non-monogamy" is a fairly common occurrence and can cause a serious upheaval.

Right now, I'm struggling with overcoming some resentment from feeling that I was hijacked into this new relationship model. At the beginning, it was a pretty big violation.

FYI, Wife cringes at how things went down in the beginning, so I feel kind of like I'm kicking a puppy. I'm just trying to figure out how to get over things.

Thanks.

 

[Delphinius]

It was probably a surprise to you both

You could be my husband posting! He felt (& sometimes may still feel) the exact same way. So sorry to hear those feelings are still prevalent, because, of course, you're right. The relationship is not what you envisioned when you married and is now something that you never even entertained as a possibility.

Speaking as the "kicked puppy," she's feeling massive guilt for "hijacking" the marriage into a different type of relationship. She loves you, and feels awful for hurting you. She's also trying to be very true & honest to herself and you. Chances are it was a shock to her, as well, that she could so powerfully love more than one person. But she does, and she wants to express, feel and share that love, and she doesn't want anyone to hurt. She's so grateful right now that you feel it's worth the hardship & pain to stay in the marriage & make it work.

You must be an incredible man to fight for this, to feel the pain and do it anyway. It takes a real man to endure all this and love her through all the changes.

I wish there was a magic wand to help with your resentment. It's understandable. You are very entitled to feel that way. Perhaps focus on the love? In our case, and it seems others mentioned in this site, it does get easier & better with time & practice.

Oh, & get some hobbies, buddies, sex partners, something to help "distract" you during the tougher times. That's what seems to have worked best for my husband. He's not (yet?) found the same kind of connection as my bf & me, but he has found some really lovely ladies that have been wonderful FWB-type additions to his life. Also, he's turned his frustration & anger toward working out, which has been a great stress relief.

HUGS! Hang in there.

 

[GalaGirl]

So, are you willing to stay in the marriage?

Has your wife apologized, asked for your forgiveness? Is she willing to make amends? Are you willing to forgive, and to give her opportunity to make amends and put it behind you? Are you both willing to do the work to move past the resentment?

This time, you have another opportunity for both to get on board before moving it along. It could be healing to take the time to actually calibrate, coordinate, and do it that way this time -- the rebuilding of trust.

GG

 

[graviton]

Ice, I'm in the same situation. However, I'm a guy who caused the surprise non-monogamy.

I feel bad for my lover's husband, and feel selfish. But I think everything about love is selfish. It's just a matter of who is being selfish and in what capacity. When something like this happens, you need to make a tough decision and lie in the bed you made for yourself.

A) Deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation; give her the ultimatum and make her choose-- this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create, because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
B) Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you, but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.

Good luck.

 

[Marcus]

A) Deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation; give her the ultimatum and make her choose-- this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create, because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
B) Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.

good luck

C) Take responsibility for your own life and your own feelings. Stop trying to make this a discussion about "the relationship," and bring it into terms that you actually have any real input on-- your own feelings and actions. All you can do is figure out what is right for you and make decisions accordingly. If your spouse has told you that she wants to live a non-monogamous life, and this is antithetical to your worldview, make a rational decision based on the facts at hand.

 

[WhatHappened]

I'm in the same situation. However, I'm the guy who caused the surprise nonmonogamy. I feel bad for my lover's husband and feel selfish. But I think everything about love is selfish. It's just a matter of who is being selfish and in what capacity. When something like this happens, you need to make a tough decision and lie in the bed you made for yourself.

Except he didn't exactly make this bed. This bed was flipped over while he was sleeping and tossed him!

I personally think selfishness is the antithesis of love. I cannot fathom hurting the one I love, feeling guilt and selfishness over it, knowing the one I love hurts, and dismissing it, and justifying it with, "Oh, well, all love is selfish."

A) Deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation; give her the ultimatum and make her choose-- this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create, because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
B) Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.

These choices feel like a bit of "blame the victim" to me. Perhaps she could learn to lose her resentment, too. Perhaps she could forgo the lover for his happiness. Why would it be on the one who had the tables turned on him to agree to the mid-stream change in rules?

It is a perfectly legitimate choice to not accept a marriage that includes your spouse having lovers.

 

[graviton]

Except he didn't exactly make this bed. This bed was flipped over while he was sleeping and tossed him!

I personally think selfish is the antithesis of love. I cannot fathom hurting the one I love, feeling guilt and selfishness over it, knowing the one I love hurts, and dismissing it and justifying it with, "Oh, well, all love is selfish."

These choices feel like a bit of "blame the victim" to me. Perhaps she could learn to lose her resentment, too. Perhaps she could forgo the lover for his happiness. Why would it be on the one who had the tables turned on him to agree to the mid-stream change in rules?

It is a perfectly legitimate choice to not accept a marriage that includes your spouse having lovers.

In my analysis, I am assuming that she wants the lover enough, and has done enough soul-searching to decide that she is willing to fight for this new relationship. The bed I am referring to is the one made by choosing either A or B when responding to her desire. This scenario seems pretty typical for "coerced" non-monogamy.

 

[dingedheart]

Have you done any couples counseling?
At the beginning, it sounds like it started out as cheating, and/or lots of dishonesty. What motivated you at the time to stay?
How has that changed now?
What do you get out of this new dynamic?
Is/was the hijack worth it?
What's life like today?
What do you envision the future to look like?
Long-term planning?

 

[graviton]

Hmmm seems like there are some bitter hurt people on these forums looking to teach us all a lesson for the pain they have suffered.

 

[Icewraithonyx]

Delphinius:
Thanks for the reply. I believe she was somewhat surprised by this, as well. I've actually started going to the gym, and I'm trying to pick up some hobbies I had let slide when I was busy with school.

Galagirl:
My intention is to stay in the marriage. My hope is to reach a point where I'm not feeling as "strained." It already feel much less uncomfortable than at the beginning, so I'm hoping it continues to get easier. She has apologized and still cringes at a lot of her NRE behavior, and is trying to do things with everyone in mind.

WhatHappened:
Thank you. I liked the bed being flipped over analogy. You responded to graviton better than I probably would.

Marcus:
I'm not opposed to polyamory. Philosophically, I think it's a valid option. It's a little stickier in real life to practice, but we're working on it. And it's easier to say "Just up and leave" when it's not YOUR long-term relationship and family at stake.

Dingedheart:
Unfortunately, yes, it did start out as cheating. Both of us acknowledge this. However, the sticky part is what comes after. In affair recovery, there is a heavy emphasis (or mandate) to either dial the new relationship waaay down or end it completely. Most new "polys" are not willing to do either. In "normal" opening of the marriage, the advice is to discuss things well before a new relationship happens. Little late for that, so that doesn't apply much either.

Part of this was motivated by posts on a Poly-Mono mailing list, where I've seen over and over the story of "Partner was having an affair, now they want to just snap jump to polyamory with no transition, or we can just divorce," and the established partner is going insane! Wife and I went through this in a fashion, and we're trying to recover, but it's a little rough with no guidance.

I'm trying to find out how others have handled this, since "surprise" non-monogamy can't be that rare.

Thanks.

 

[Marcus]

Marcus:
I'm not opposed to polyamory. Philosophically, I think it's a valid option. It's a little stickier in real life to practice, but we're working on it. And it's easier to say "Just up and leave" when it's not YOUR long-term relationship and family at stake.

I haven't suggested you up and leave, I merely added a third option to the two grim options provided earlier. In my opinion, assuming that the relationship must continue is crippling to making a reasonable decision. I get that you don't want your relationship to end; if you did, then you would have just ended it, and you wouldn't be on here fielding for advice/input.

I simply wanted to remind everyone that looking at the information reasonably, and not arbitrarily throwing out possible outcomes because they are not attractive is the preferable approach. If you decide to stay together and work it out, I hope that it is because each of you, as adult individuals, made the same decision to do so, not because "the relationship" needed to soldier on.

 

[dingedheart]

Graviton, funny, that was one of my least bitter postings. I might be bitter, but I'm ethical.

 

[WhatHappened]

Hmmm seems like there are some bitter hurt people on these forums looking to teach us all a lesson for the pain they have suffered.

Character Assassination: a revered part of the Socratic method since 475 B.C.

On a more serious note, character and ideas are two different things. A woman who was married to a smoking, drinking, cheating, gambling abuser may indeed be bitter. Does that nullify her statement that cheating is wrong? And if she's also against gambling and you're not, doesn't it make more sense to discuss the idea of gambling rather than call her bitter?

Her character has no bearing whatsoever on the ideas of cheating and gambling.

ETA: just to be clear, my point is: let's stick to ideas.

 

[PhilosophicallyLost]

I am struggling with my husband somewhat on this note, too. I sprung the surprise on him May of last year.

I will voice something my oldest brother mentioned to me. Marriage should be treated as a partnership. As partners, you both are supposed to come to major changes in your life together. It should not be dictated by her or by you. If it did not start out this way, hopefully you two have taken steps since then in embarking on this journey together. If monogamy is not an option for her, I can see how it does make you feel coerced. You probably feel like your choice was either go along with it or face divorce. It seems you could benefit from discussing your feelings with her further, and emphasize the need for you both to discuss needs and wants. You are partners, after all. Then maybe negotiate from there how you both can find a happier place. The compromises will be tough, but hopefully they should serve both you and her, as well as the other person she cares for. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Marcus]

As partners, you both are supposed to come to major changes in your life together.

This concept is one of the fundamental issues I have with marriage specifically, and monogamy more broadly. The idea that two humans are sharing a life together is interesting in poetry, but if we step back and think about it even for a moment that idea is obviously bunk. Humans grow and change intellectually and emotionally according to their own genetic makeup and the prominent stimulus of their environment. Who they are in a relationship with only alters that in that they probably are prominent stimulus in the other's environment. Just because they are in a relationship, however, does not change the way human beings develop. There is no genetic relationship switch which somehow now joins the path of two (or more) people simply because they say they'd like it that way.

With the exception of Siamese twins who are literally sharing organs, we develop entirely as individuals. So, if there are major changes in a person's outlook, intellect, or emotional development, their partner is only going to share that change with them if they miraculously came to the same decision at the same time. It happens, but if these boards have a story to tell, it happens less frequently then people would like to think.

Since it has come up a couple of times, I think everyone should consider dumping the use of the word coerce in this discussion.

Coercion (pron.: /koʊˈɜrʃən/) is the practice of forcing another party to act in an involuntary manner (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats or intimidation or some other form of pressure or force.

If someone saying, "My autonomy is important to me. I need you to be ok with not having control over me when it comes to what I do with my time and body" is coercion, then that broadens the definition to the degree that it is a useless word.

 

[GalaGirl]

My intention is to stay in the marriage. My hope is to reach a point where I'm not feeling as "strained." It already feel much less uncomfortable than at the beginning so I'm hoping it continues to get easier. She has apologized and still cringes at a lot of her NRE behavior, and is trying to do things with everyone in mind.

Then it sounds like you are both in this still, and willing to do the work required. What about the missing voice, her Other Person? Is this person on board with moving the polyship forward to a healthier zone or not? There are more than just you two on the crew of this new polyship mission.

I see this as everyone at the square 1 place of "Your mission, should you choose to accept it..."

So, do all players accept the mission? Do all players agree on what the mission is? (I am assuming the mission is a harmonious V-shape configuration, where she is the "Shared Sweetie" hinge person.)

It sounds like you are choosing to take this like some turbulence in your life journey together, and are trying to make the repairs required and get back into flying straight up, not just with each other, but with a new crew member.

I do not know if it could help you, but I wrote my personal standard out --scroll to the bottom. That's how I want to be treated in relationship; that's what I'm willing to give in return, so DH and I can be in right relationship to each other. It makes it easy to hold him and myself accountable. Am I doing my responsibilities; is he giving me my rights; and vice versa?

Perhaps this could be opportunity to (re)articulate and (re)affirm what the standard will be in your own relationships. Not just (you and her) on that tier of your polymath, but in all your tiers of relationship, with her as the hinge person, and your metamour. Can you create your relationship-standard banner you all can agree to fly under and honor? A new person in the mix would be expected to review it and add their own things so it can become the thing to serve the needs of the new crew and all can be in agreement.

Could that help smooth the way? You still can't know how it will work out, or even if it does, on this new ship you are building. But you could come to agreement on how you want to be treating each other in relationship on board as you get to wherever it is this journey is going to next -- the harmonious V goal.

You are in the interesting position of having to build the ship while already flying it! This is your reality. It's good you see that and accept it for what it is. you could choose to remember that and try to forgive each other along the way if things get uncomfortable at first, as you try to find "the new normal." It's bound to feel weird at first.

Are you guys considering a poly-friendly counselor?

This is an older thread about a different three-person triad situation who face broken agreements, conflict resolution, forgiveness/making amends, and rebuilding trust.

You have a different three-person arrangement. But in the breaking down of the elephant in the room, and owning bits of it, the elephant is just the elephant. Maybe reading that thread could help give you guys some helpful nuggets that could be used in your process as you guys break down your own elephant problem.

What support might you need most from us, here this forum, as you sort yourselves out?

GG

 

[Icewraithonyx]

Marcus:
I think the main reason I still think of it as coercive is because, like PhilsophicallyLost said, I tend to view our marriage as a partner "ship," like a large boat, carrying me, my wife, and our children; whereas it seems your view is more akin to two or more individuals, each on their own jet ski. In "jet ski" view, if Wife wants to veer left, I can veer left, as well, or go my own way. In "ship" view, if she veers the ship left, my options are to continue with the ship, or jump overboard, losing not only the ship, but all the crew. Stopping the ship or veering back to the right didn't seem to be an option.

 

[BreatheDeeply]

It's hard not to view this as coercion, Ice. Because that's kinda what it is. She fell in love, and now wants you and her lover and her wonderful life with everyone. I'm not that far off from your wife. I had an affair, was caught, was/am very apologetic. (The difference is that I broke off the affair, and came to the realisation that I was poly several years afterwards.)

So maybe hearing some of what I think is the last thing you want to read, or maybe it will be useful, I don't know.

I felt horrible for what I did. So horrible that I told my wife (Aquarius) I would do anything to make amends. Breaking off all contact with the person I was having the affair with was an absolute requirement to keep my marriage from dissolving.

My wife sacrificed to stay with me. I could not also ask her to accept on ongoing affair, as well.

If your wife is sacrificing nothing, and you are sacrificing everything, it's an imbalance that has to be sorted somehow. I don't know if that is the case with you, but it is unfair and more so completely unreasonable for your wife to have her relationship needs satisfied while you are left to pick up the pieces and somehow make a go of this.

Someone earlier in this thread said something about you needing to be a "real" man in order to keep loving her and wanting to preserve your family. (I just love how some women are so quick to define what a "real" man is!) It's not up to a woman to decide what a man is. It's up to us men. Period.

So what sacrifice is she making to show her love for you? What is she willing to do for her family?

 

[Marcus]

Marcus:
I think the main reason I still think of it as coercive is because, like PhilsophicallyLost said, I tend to view our marriage as a partner "ship," like a large boat, carrying me, Wife, and our children, whereas it seems your view is more akin to two or more individuals, each on their own jet ski. In "jet ski view," if Wife wants to veer left, I can veer left as well, or go my own way. In "ship" view, if she veers the ship left, my options are to continue with the ship, or jump overboard, losing not only the ship, but all the crew. Stopping the ship or veering back to the right didn't seem to be an option.

No, it would be coercive if you were forced to stay on the ship. Since you've volunteered to stay on the ship, knowing that you will have to move as a unit, you have restricted YOUR OWN choices. You see the difference? You have freely decided to limit your options. If you are unhappy with this decision, then change it.

It sounds more to me like you are talking about being caught up in the inertia of the change and are not sure how you want to react. Inertia can be a powerful force in a relationship and it is understandable that someone can get carried away by it. There doesn't need to be a bad guy in this, which calling someone's actions "coercive" does, by default.

 

[WhatHappened]

Sort of reminds me of a scene in Walking Dead.

Governor: Take off your shirt.
Maggie: No.
Governor: Take off your shirt or I'll bring you Glen's (severed) hand.

Maggie immediately removes her shirt.

Of course she 'made a choice.' Of course she could have continued to refuse. But she was obviously coerced into it by the threat of something bad happening if she didn't.

To face the loss of marriage, income, home, time with children...these, to most parents and married people, are 'something bad happening.' Of course we CAN just hop off the ship and go. But we realize that our presence on the ship is important to us and very important to our children. If we're decent people, we consider the impact on everyone around us, and most parents will put up with an awful lot before they'll take a step (divorce, separation) they know will harm their children.

To claim that choosing Lousy Choice A over Lousier Choice B is not coercion is simply wrong.