relationship ended

[harmonizethis]

Hey all, I'm new. I just had a bad ending to a relationship, wondering if may have ignored any warning signs.

My husband Nick and I play together with other couples. We met a couple on a swinger's site and started out as friends. We took some time and met up, and after a solid base was established we moved on to more intimate levels. What we didn't know was that the other couple was more than swingers. They were actually in an open relationship.

As time moved on, I became (let's call him) Brett's secondary. We talked online for hours, and hung out as a group almost every weekend. We spent years like this, with the addition of a baby in my relationship, and the addition of others in Brett's repertoire. For my part, I had Nick, and one other couple we played with (rarely, like once a year). Maybe this should have been a warning to me that what we wanted was not the same, but I was in love.

Brett's wife (we'll call her Nova) was involved in a separate and intense relationship, but would still play with all of us, or with Nick. Well, this last year, the dynamic changed. With Nova's boyfriend moving, she moved on to a new relationship, but hadn't cut anyone out. She decided, despite the thousands of miles separating her and her boyfriend, she would continue with him (she loved him), and her new boyfriend. But lacking romantic feelings, she would no longer participate with Nick. This was handled was poorly, to say the least, and without an explanation, it ended. (That came MUCH later.)

I was given the news while Nick was away for the weekend. I couldn't handle it. Nick and I have always played together. It's a rule. But Brett saw this as my "weak" defense to end all relations. To be fair, I didn't think I could continue as just friends.

I was upset when he told me he'd had sex with Nova's new boyfriend's girl (2 weeks before I got this news). We tried to stay friends, but I was too upset and hurt at not having any reason why things had to change. Brett and Nova didn't give an actual reason for weeks, and they certainly never told Nick why he was let go. A lot of emotions got in the way and a lot of things were said. I cut off all ties over a month ago.

Should I have seen this coming?

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Hi and welcome!

I'm not familiar with the swinging scene, but is the problem that you don't want to have a relationship with Brett if Nova is not going to continue her relationship with your husband Nick?

Why is it imperative that you and Nick always share? You can't force connections. You can't have pity sex just to prevent someone feeling left out, like Nova probably discovered.

Why can't Nick have another relationship with another female independent of you, if he wants? Since people couple up for so many different reasons, it seems rather unlikely that two couples will form equally strong connections and attractions amongst them that will last equally long.

Should you have seen this coming? Um, the premises you started with seem rather unrealistic, so maybe it's more about how you should have considered that not everyone will want to play and love together, all the time, forever.

 

[IndieSolo]

Welcome!

The scenario you describe is why swinging makes no sense to me.

If you want to be polyamorous rather than only swing, why can't you continue your relationship with Brett? Why would Nova no longer wanting to be with Nick affect your connection with Brett? It's puzzling. I just don't get how you think that everyone all has to be involved equally with each other. Polyamory, as you can see from reading these boards, can manifest in numerous ways. Can you explain more?

 

[redpepper]

This is swinging turned polyamory, it sounds like. The thing is that no one seemed to know what the hell was going on when "love" came into it. It sounds like Nova found love with another, decided she'd had enough of swinging, and didn't want to be fucking with people she didn't love any more, a very frequent move for most people who go from swinging to poly.

Should you have seen it coming? Not necessarily. No one really knew anything about the "love" part, just the fucking part. It's my belief that sex is far more deeply rooted in connection and therefore, the possibility of love, than most people either stop to realize, or bother to investigate.

I can see that, as swingers, you would want to play together. In loving relationships, that is quite often a starting place, but then moves into individual sex together, sometimes with occasional threesomes and more. It sounds like they were trying to get you up to speed with more traditional polyamory, and you were still stuck in swinger land. It sounds like they got frustrated and a battle started, and ended with all of you saying forget it.

I suggest you educate yourself about polyamory, and see if it is a better situation for you to be in. Give it some time, then approach them again and see where you are at, with knowledge behind you.

There's no better place to start learning than here. Do a tag search for what interests you and get busy. Stay in touch if you want. We are all happy to answer questions.

 

[Tonberry]

I don't personally understand why you would break up with Brett because Nova broke up with Nick. However, I would also say that the breakup with Nick sounds like it was handled terribly. No reason given, and you were the one being told, not even him! You don't dump someone through his wife!

I'm not sure if you should have seen it coming or not. I guess if your relationship depends on other people's relationships, it's less stable by definition, since it might break up if something goes wrong in any of the relationships, rather than just in your own. It also makes it hard to fix the problem if it's a problem that's not even in your relationship.