Relationship hierarchy and ownership of emotions

[eoika1782]

Hello wise people...I'd like to get your views on something that happened this weekend. I am a bit stuck in how to frame it in my mind. other than the practicalities, this touches on relationship hierarchy (my boyfriend is my primary but i am not his primary) and owning one's own baggage, so there is a lot to unpack.

My boyfriend is D, his wife is N, his wife's girlfriend is K. D and N live together and have a child. D and I have been together for 8 months preceded by almost a year of a very intense friendship. Our relationship is great and works well. I get along well with N and their child. D and I live in two different countries so there are logistical issues with seeing each other.

the facts
i agreed to spend this weekend with D mid november 2022, together with all our other dates until july 2023.
it later transpired that my other boyfriend's girlfriend was coming from the US too this weekend,and we really wanted to meet,but i had already committed to D.
two weeks ago dan told me that N was going to be away the night between friday and saturday,which means babysitter's duty and not spending the night together.she would come back at 12 on saturday.
at 11am on saturday she says she'll be back at 4pm.
in order to avoid an amygdala hijack i go out for half an hour and cry.when im back D says 'i am sorry.i have made you feel like you are not my priority and this is not fair.my time with you is precious and i have not done enough to protect it this weekend'. i said nothing other than nodding.

the background (1): in october i came to see dan for ONE night, and N went out which meant i didnt get to spend any private time with him. i didnt complain at the time because we had agreed that date only 3 weeks before so it was short notice.

the background (2): another married boyfriend of mine broke up with me in december in a way that unleashed lots of insecurities and fears about my position in asymmetric relationships

what i feel
- just because i dont have a live in partner and a child, doesnt mean that my other commitments are less important. they are more flexible for sure,but i also make choices and prioritise what to do.seeing him means not doing something else.what happened made me feel like it just doesnt matter what else i gave up to be here (plus effort time and money travelling across europe - K lives in the same city)
- both D and N go back to each other after their dates, so the extent to which their time with their 'toys' is satisfying / nourishing / fulfilling is less important than it is for me. i go back to no one
- i am not sure about the extent to which i can complain about all this because i am the secondary,the nice to have. what happened is a stark reminder of that reality and it hurts
- i cannot believe that with 4 months' notice,N and K couldnt figure out another weekend.i might be the secondary but i see D once a month so when i am here i want him for me.

analysis
so: am i being a whining baby? which of these emotions are my baggage/my responsibility/my brunt to bear, and which am i entitled to bring a discussion to agree different boundaries for the future? i am going to be away for some time still and i really dont want this to happen again.

the reason why i am not sure how much i can be annoyed is the asymmetry of the relationship, which i knew and know will always be there and was always the foundation of our relationship.and we have talked about this in relation to how much i miss him: he told me very frankly that he is ok because he has got company.good if he can see me,but if not he is ok. the situation is completely different for me.

i will never be his priority or the most important part of his life.i am genuinely ok with this or i wouldnt have started a relationship with him,but i want my corner with him to be sacred. even if i get just a slice with him that slice has to be mine only.

how much can i be upset about what happened? how fair is it to bring some of this up with D?

thanks...

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I would guess that D and N have some conflict around your relationship or some aspect of your relationship (sleepovers maybe) and he's trying to do the good hinge thing of not letting issues spill over and owning his choices.

The only thing you can take from it is that he seems to repeatedly allowing it to occur. Although this time he seems to have acknowledged it. You can either wait and see if this means change or decide to cut your losses now.

It's not that you don't have the right to complain. It's just that it's probably a waste of effort for the most part. He knows the issue, in my opinion. This is him juggling.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello eoika1782,

Initially, it sounds like a large part of the problem is that N keeps making last-minute changes to plans that have been in place for a long time. Especially, she leaves the child with D when you are with D so that D has to babysit, and you get no private time with D. What happened this weekend is unacceptable. You canceled other plans so that you could keep your commitment with D, N torpedoed it, and D let that happen. I think it is fair for you to explain to N and D why that was rude, and to request realistic assurances that it won't happen again. Sure you are a secondary, but you are also a human being with basic rights.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

this touches on relationship hierarchy (my boyfriend is my primary but i am not his primary) and owning one's own baggage, so there is a lot to unpack.

My boyfriend is D, his wife is N, his wife's girlfriend is K.

I am going to give them names, OK? It makes your text more understandable.

Dave and Nelly live together and have a child. Dave and I have been together for 8 months, preceded by almost a year of a very intense friendship. Our relationship is great and works well. I get along well with Nelly and their child. Dave and I live in two different countries so there are logistical issues with seeing each other.

the facts
i agreed to spend this weekend with Dave, mid november 2022, together with all our other dates until july 2023.

You mean you've planned out dates through July of this year already? I am not sure what you mean by mid-November, 2022, since it's March, 2023 already. Maybe you posted this elsewhere and just copy/pasted.

it later transpired that my other boyfriend (Archie's) girlfriend (Cait) was coming from the US too this weekend, and we really wanted to meet, but i had already committed to Dave.

You wanted to meet your metamour, but priortized your bf. OK.

By the way, are you also Archie's secondary?

two weeks ago Dave told me that Nelly was going to be away the night between friday and saturday, which means he would be on babysitter duty and we would not spend the night together. Nelly would come back at 12 on saturday.

Unless this was an emergency (family illness perhaps, or a sudden work trip) it seems a bit fishy. By the way, dads aren't babysitters. The kids are their kids. The mom doesn't babysit her own kids and neither does the dad. They are just being parents. Kids' needs come first, of course.

Surely it's disappointing to imagine an adults-only weekend, only to have the kid join you. But that's what happens when you date a parent. I've had kids interrupt dates with former partners of mine and it made me leery to date people with kids, especially very young ones.

at 11am on saturday, she says she'll be back at 4pm. in order to avoid an amygdala hijack i go out for half an hour and cry. when i'm back Dave says 'i am sorry. i have made you feel like you are not my priority and this is not fair. my time with you is precious and i have not done enough to protect it this weekend.' i said nothing, just nodded.

It was nice of him to acknowledge that. And he sounded sincere. Of course, words are cheap. You need actions and behaviors.

the background (1): in october i came to see Dave for ONE night, and Nelly went out, which meant i didn't get to spend any private time with him. i didn't complain at the time because we had agreed on that date only 3 weeks before, so it was short notice.

If she went out, weren't you alone with him? Or do you mean she went out, leaving the kid with you guys? If you'd had 3 weeks notice, couldn't Dave have arranged a sitter?

the background (2): another married boyfriend of mine broke up with me in december in a way that unleashed lots of insecurities and fears about my position in asymmetric relationships

what i feel
- just because i dont have a live-in partner and a child doesnt mean that my other commitments are less important. they are more flexible for sure, but i also make choices and prioritise what to do. seeing him means not doing something else. what happened made me feel like it just doesn't matter what else i gave up to be here. (plus effort time and money travelling across europe. Kelly lives in the same city.)
- both Dave and Nelly go back to each other after their dates, so the extent to which their time with their 'toys' is satisfying/nourishing/fulfilling is less important than it is for me. i go back to no one.

Secondaries should not feel like they are mere toys. You are a human being with rights.

- i am not sure about the extent to which i can complain about all this because i am the secondary, the 'nice to have.' what happened is a stark reminder of that reality and it hurts.
- i cannot believe that with 4 month's notice, Nelly and Kelly couldnt figure out another weekend. i might be the secondary, but i see Dave once a month, so when i am here i want him for me.

analysis
so: am i being a whining baby? which of these emotions are my baggage/my responsibility/my brunt to bear, and which am i entitled to bring a discussion to agree different boundaries for the future? i am going to be away for some time still and i really dont want this to happen again.

the reason why i am not sure how much i can be annoyed is the asymmetry of the relationship, which i know will always be there. he told me very frankly that he is ok because he has got company-- good if he can see me, but if not he is ok. the situation is completely different for me.

Ouch, that's gotta hurt. I'd never say that to a secondary! And indeed, I see my secondary every weekend and I start missing him as soon as he leaves my side! (Even though my primary joins me in 36 hours. I still miss him even when I'm with her! And she misses her bf. it's hard to part from our guys to be with each other, and it's hard to part with each other to be with our guys. Poly problems!)

i will never be his priority or the most important part of his life. i am genuinely ok with this or i wouldn't have started a relationship with him, but i want my corner with him to be sacred. even if i get just a slice with him that slice has to be mine only.

how much can i be upset about what happened? how fair is it to bring some of this up with D?

Your feelings are valid. You have a right to have them. It's what you do with them that counts.

It seems most of the problems stem from last minute kid duties coming up. (Although Dave's comment that he doesn't miss you when you're not apart, as if you're nothing special, should be addressed too!)

Maybe you could refuse to go see Dave unless he has a firm commitment from a responsible babysitter to be there. I assume a sitter could take the kid out, or keep them in a room away from daddy, so you and Dave could have private time (especially for sex, of course, but other things, as well).

I am not sure if you've seen this, the secondary's bill of rights. Maybe it will help give you some more ideas about what you deserve and what to do.

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

You mean you've planned out dates through July of this year already? I am not sure what you mean by mid-November, 2022, since it's March, 2023 already. Maybe you posted this elsewhere and just copy/pasted.

I think OP means that in November, they planned what weekends they would spend together all the way through until July this year. Many LD couples do this so it didn't read strange to me.