Relationship in Crisis because I'm poly! Please help

[JaveAdeveni]

Before my boyfriend left to move to another state a few months ahead of me he sat me down and asked if we could not explore polyamory until we were both out there together and settled. I said "okay," thinking that it would be an easy thing to do because at that point I hadn't been apporached by any other guys. He'd "dated" one girl while we were together. He had my permission at first UNTIL he never told the girl that he and I were together. Later he did after they didn't work out. Yikes. Failed attempt at polyamory. She was monogamous.

Before the talk I went to my first festival and ended up cuddling with a guy and bf seemed ok with it. Then after the talk I went to another festival and cuddled (thinking it wasn't much different and not really polyamorous) and Dbf FLIPPED and even used drgus over it. I was obviously crushed. He then made it ultra clear that he wanted full monogamy. I still felt weird about it because now I knew that cuddling to me was helpful and fine...but to him it ended his world.
So finally I tried to see from his perspective and thought OK i love him so much I can do this..

And since he's moved out there it's been 2 weeks and I haven't even been to any more festivals but there is a bitter seed that's growing in me making me feel completely controlled and upset towards my bf.
I want to be polyamorous now because I'm realizing now more than ever that it's my nature. It wasn't my choice that the Universe put me into festivals at the same time he was leaving. It's not like I can turn back time. I know now for sure that's how I am...and I want to act on it when I feel to.

And "holding out" until I move to be with him is definitely possible and may even happen naturally, I just want to be given the freedom to follow my spirit (even into polyamory) and for him to trust me and know I love him the same.
So I guess- if this were you how would you be reacting / what are your honest thoughts?
I will add (since it's a big deal to him) that I FELT like having sex with the dude I cuddled at the second festival but did not. I have lots of self control and would need STD test first etc. But that's why he used. Later he apologized said it wasn't my fault he used.
I said I'm a sexual woman by nature you can't judge me for having feelings!

Sorry that was a bit of a rant but he is convinced I am being awful to him not holding out two months but festivals are full of such love I just want to be free to be me. It doesn't take away from my love for him AT ALL but he said it will crush him maybe beyond repair. I said he's threatening me he said no that's HIS nature. Sounds like dysfunction, insecurity, and codependence and jealousy to me.

Help!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

From what I understand the agreement with the LDR BF was "Open/exploring Poly." Then he asked to change it back to "Closed/Full monogamy." You consented... but with misgivings because you really prefer being open/poly but he was having such a cow over it you gave in. Initially you agreed, but are now finding that you cannot do that and feel good.

Is that more or less how it was?

If so? Could tell him "I tried it for 2 weeks and it doesn't feel good. I can no longer agree to be exclusive." And let the chips fall where they may.

If you do not want to be "Closed" or "Exclusive" to your BF? Say so. That is being up front and honest. I think you feel bitter because you were bending yourself into pretzels to assuage him rather than doing what YOU prefer.

he is convinced I am being awful to him not holding out two months

If he really thinks you are awful to him, why is he still dating you rather than ending it? Don't play the game where he calls you names like "awful" and then you rush in to overdo stuff for him to "prove" how not awful you are.

If you do not consent to be exclusive to him? That is not doing something TO him. That is exercising YOUR preferences.

Plus he's not asking you to (not see other people for two months.) He's asking you for (permanent full monogamy.) And you want polyamory. These things do not match. Be leery of him going "Closed just for now" and then when you move out there it becomes "permanent monogamy." If you move, you might want your own place, not living with him. Or maybe you decide not to move after all.

but festivals are full of such love I just want to be free to be me.

Then don't agree to do stuff that you don't really want to be doing. Keep it way simpler on you.

He might be disappointed that you don't want to do what he wants you to do. But he can choose to deal with his disappointment appropriately rather than having a tantrum or acting out about it. He cannot MAKE you do stuff you don't want to be doing.

It doesn't take away from my love for him AT ALL but he said it will crush him maybe beyond repair.

That is dramatic talk to me.

I get that it disappoints him that you don't want to do what he wants. But if he's SO fragile about it that hearing you say "Thank you, but no thanks. I don't want to do that" will "crush him beyond repair?" Then maybe he needs medical care or counseling or whatever. It is his job to work to become more emotionally resilient through appropriate means.

It is NOT your job to arrange the whole world so it is cushy for him so he remains "uncrushed" and never feels anything yucky.
You do not need to do stuff just to assuage or appease him or to prop him up to keep him from hurting himself or doing drugs. You do not exist to be his "life raft." That would not be appropriate behavior.

I said he's threatening me he said no that's HIS nature. Sounds like dysfunction, insecurity, and codependence and jealousy to me.

You are the one there experiencing this stuff. So I will guess that you probably call it right. But let's say he isn't being those things.

The bottom line is still that "your nature" wants to be polyamorous now. "His nature" wants full monogamy now. Those things don't match. So you two are not compatible any more.

If you feel threatened on top of that incompatibility? Not compatible PLUS too much drama.

Do not move to go be with him. End it instead. That is my suggestion.

I still felt weird about it because now I knew that cuddling to me was helpful and fine...but to him it ended his world. So finally I tried to see from his perspective and thought OK i love him so much I can do this..

I think next time you could NOT talk yourself into doing stuff you feel weird about because doing that is not loving YOU. Don't compromise yourself or your values like that. Love is "shared." It doesn't have to be "proven." Plus... You do not have to subsume yourself to a relationship.

You can love someone a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But the other 51% you leave for loving you and taking care of you. So you are able to say "No, thank you. I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or feels bad to me."

Here? You neglected to do that and look out for your own well being. You chose to put yourself in a box for his sake. And found out you don't like it. So don't do that any more.

Maybe you were caught by surprise by him having a cow and wanted him to feel better. Which is fine and kind... but not when it comes out of your own hide and ends up hurting you. YKWIM? Be kind to people without compromising yourself/your values.

Galagirl

 

[pseudoclever]

This seems like a situation where your boyfriend isn’t likely to compromise on poly. Reading between the lines, it seems like this far he’s tolerated your desire for the lifestyle, and has the idea that he can eventually talk you out of it. It’s possible you’ll be able to convince him to come around to your thinking at some point, but in the mean time there’s going to be a lot of jealousy, hurt feelings, and people who feel like they’re compromising what they want out of life. That’s a lot of bad juju to throw at a relationship.

Given how uncertain and rocky such a relationship is, I would suggest that, if you want to try to convince him to accept poly, you shouldn’t follow him out of state...in particular if that means leaving behind a life, friends, a support structure, etc.

Otherwise, if you two are really serious and you want the best chance for this relationship to work, I think you have a choice to make: your bf, or poly.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JaveAdeveni,

You seem to be saying that it will be two months before you move out of state to be with your boyfriend. I am thinking you can stand just about anything for two months. If you want to stay with your boyfriend, don't go to any festivals for the next two months. Wait until you are moved out to be with your boyfriend.

On the other hand, are you sure you want to move out of state to be with him? He seems to have something against polyamory. I am afraid that two months won't be enough for him. After you move out, he may decide that he wants you to be permanently monogamous. That would be a problem. Do you trust him to be honest with you about that right now? If not, you may want to think about breaking up with him. Moving out of state to be with him is a really big deal, don't do that if you are poly but he doesn't want you to be poly. And don't do it if you can't trust him.

If you do move, leave some of your options open so you can move back. Two months is not a big deal. The rest of your life is a very big deal.

With regards,
Kevin T.