Relationship in need of unbiased outsiders...

S

Sorrolyn

New member
I have been with my current boyfriend for around five years now. About two years ago, I told him I was interested in becoming poly. At the time he wasn't interested at all, so I mostly let the subject die and had the mindset that we were just going to be monogamous for the rest of our lives. I was fine with that. But a year later he said he was interested in trying polyamory. We touched on a few basic rules, like no sex without a condom, our relationship is our priority, and we are always open and honest about everything.

Neither of us were actively looking, but I happened to run across someone that was interested about a month ago. The guy I met, let's call him Stan, wasn't into polyamory, so we just stayed friends. However, the more he got to know me, the more he found that he wanted to be with me in any way he could. He caved. He decided he could deal with becoming my second boyfriend, basically.

A few weeks later, he came for a visit. From the time I started talking to him, to the time he came for a visit was about a month.

I suggested that we have the guy eventually live with us, if the visit went well, so I wouldn't have to split my time too much between them. My boyfriend, lets call him James, agreed. Visit time came, and we all got along well, but after Stan left, James found that he didn't want Stan to move in with us, because he didn't want to be financially responsible for a third person in case they lost their job. I agreed, but told him all of the pros and cons of another guy living with us, and not living with us, to make sure he knew what would happen if he didn't.

Fast forward to two weeks later-- it just didn't work out with Stan and me. It's been about a week since everything ended with Stan.

In the meantime, James and I have been discussing what the real problems are. One issue was he thought he could deal with me having another man while he looked for a woman, as long as I didn't bring the other man around and didn't discuss what went on when I was with the other. He has found that he was wrong, and wants to find a partner before me instead, since I don't have much of a problem finding someone. He said he didn't think it was fair (analogy time) that I got to enjoy a juicy burger while he didn't get anything.

I didn't like the idea of waiting for him to find a partner first, because it's possible he would never find someone, even though I think he is an exceptional man. However, I could see why he would feel that way, so I reluctantly agreed to not look for anyone until he found someone.

He felt like he was being the bad guy in asking me to wait, so very recently, he agreed that I could look for someone too. I found someone within a day of him offering me this option. But now he doesn't want me to meet this person in real life until he finds a lady that he can carry on a dialogue with, and has potential to be something more!

The question I have-- is this is normal in a polyamorous relationship? Do poly couples try to find partners at the same time so everything is fair?

Directly from James, here is what he has to say:

"Does the loneliness go away when one's partner is with another? If it doesn't, does talking to someone else (a potential second) help the situation, or is physical contact needed? How rare is it to find a "unicorn" (a female that would be interested in this arrangement)? Should I just expect to never find one and be OK with it? Am I doing this wrong? I understand this all varies from person to person, but I would just like to hear from people that may have experienced this."
 
Thank you very much for the link to that thread. I have been skimming the first page of this forum and didn't find something similar so I figured I'd ask. Much appreciated. :)
 
Sorrolyn said:
Is this normal in polyamorous relationships? Do poly couples try to find partners at the same time so everything is fair?
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I think you will find this common early on. Heck, most are pure unicorn hunters in the beginning, being both wanting to date the same person. So this is common enough.

You generally see this not work out. The guy inherently will almost always be slower to find someone new. So there could be resentment. This can be battled against as long as everyone is aware of the general patterns. This doesn't always apply, but it is part of the journey.

We see lots of couples come on here who have been been poly for years. The woman has had a number of relationships and the guy is still looking. If they had locked into that rule, there would be a lot of resentment created.

Just something to consider. :)
 
Even if you both do have someone at the same time, it doesn't mean that both of those other partners are going to be available the same amount of time. He doesn't have "nothing." He has you. Relationships need to be valued for what they are. If you start comparing what you have with what someone else has, a lot of the time you end up feeling like you're getting the short end of the stick. Very rarely in life are things exactly equal and fair.

ETA, I'm not good at this. I tend to compare too. I know how I'm supposed to think. It doesn't mean that it always works out well for me, though.
 
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Sorrolyn said:
Directly from James here is what he has to say:

"Does the loneliness go away when one partner is with another? If it doesn't, does talking to someone else (a potential second) help the situation, or is physical contact needed? How rare is it to find a "unicorn" (a female that would be interested in this arrangement)? Should I just expect to never find one and be OK with it? Am I doing this wrong? I understand this all varies from person to person, but I would just like to hear from people that may have experienced this. "
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I've found that the surest cure for loneliness is to go out and do things. When Breathes (my primary) is busy with someone else, I spend time with my kids, go out with friends, take a bubble bath with a candle and a book, enjoy some quiet time, work on a hobby I don't have much time for when he's around. When I'm with Possibility (my secondary), Breathes will go out with friends, write, enjoy alone time, whatever he feels he needs to do at that point in time.

We've been together 5 1/2 years, and non-monogamous the whole time. We would love it if we found that mythical and oh-so-sought-after unicorn, but the reality is that there aren't an awful lot of women (or men) who are bisexual and want to be locked into a relationship where they can't see others, as well. Keep your options open for MORE than just the elusive unicorn.

There are as many different ways of doing polyamory as there are people practicing it, so there is really no wrong way of doing it, as long as all participants (and their other partners) are consenting adults.
 
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