SlowPoly
Active member
It doesn't sound like husband's GF was trying to move in. In fact, it sounds very much like "If this setup [all my polycule in one house] is definitely *not* a possibility for you [husband and/or MBgirl] then I don't want to pursue a relationship with you."
If it's a hard limit for husband's GF, then it's a hard limit, and she's cool to state so up front, assuming she's not pushing the timeline. IMHO, it's a crazy limit to extend to metamours, but I suppose she will learn what mileage she gets out of it.
Meanwhile, MBgirl simply has to decide how she will approach that limit. Husband sounds pretty willing to say eventual cohabiting with the poly family is not off the table. MBgirl thinks it's probably off the table.
A) If it's a hard limit for MBgirl ("I will never cohabit with a/this poly family") then she could say so, process husband's response to that limit, and move on with her life.
B) If it's not a hard limit for MBgirl ("I can't imagine becoming comfortable with living with a/this whole poly family, but maybe my thoughts on that will change") then she could say so, and negotiate what kind of timeframe she and others would accept as far as her either coming around to seeing it as a desirable thing, or setting it as a hard limit.
If A, and husband remains committed to poly family, then divorce and find happiness elsewhere.
If A, and husband realizes he doesn't want to divorce and would rather leave gf ... well, it sounds unlikely, but I'm sure how to cross that bridge will become clear in the event.
If B, then communicate more about the roles metamours play in setting rules for the hinge dating (Is it a universal condition that husband can't date outside the intentional poly family and potential live-ins? Or is that special for MBgirl? For co-primaries?), experience and learn about dating her husband, and constantly process with husband and assess self for comfort and intention. IMHO, go ahead and walk together through complete divorce process, in case the agreed-to timeframe is reached without change in lack of desire to co-habit with poly family. If in time MBgirl becomes comfortable with poly and cohabiting with giant poly family, what is the cost of having divorced (sooner rather than later - unless somehow the poly family makes the husband-wife thing somehow *more* secure than average)?
If cohabiting as a big, happy poly family is *not* a hard limit for gf (or it is for her but she decides it's not important to her to extend it to metamours - that's the part I still don't get) then MBgirl has to figure out if she still wants to date hubby and not live with him.
I lose track of what "being married" means in all this...it starts to sound like the main thing holding two people together, who are *choosing all over again* how to be related to each other in the current context. Is the pressure of *keeping* the marriage a reasonable constraint?
If it's a hard limit for husband's GF, then it's a hard limit, and she's cool to state so up front, assuming she's not pushing the timeline. IMHO, it's a crazy limit to extend to metamours, but I suppose she will learn what mileage she gets out of it.
Meanwhile, MBgirl simply has to decide how she will approach that limit. Husband sounds pretty willing to say eventual cohabiting with the poly family is not off the table. MBgirl thinks it's probably off the table.
A) If it's a hard limit for MBgirl ("I will never cohabit with a/this poly family") then she could say so, process husband's response to that limit, and move on with her life.
B) If it's not a hard limit for MBgirl ("I can't imagine becoming comfortable with living with a/this whole poly family, but maybe my thoughts on that will change") then she could say so, and negotiate what kind of timeframe she and others would accept as far as her either coming around to seeing it as a desirable thing, or setting it as a hard limit.
If A, and husband remains committed to poly family, then divorce and find happiness elsewhere.
If A, and husband realizes he doesn't want to divorce and would rather leave gf ... well, it sounds unlikely, but I'm sure how to cross that bridge will become clear in the event.
If B, then communicate more about the roles metamours play in setting rules for the hinge dating (Is it a universal condition that husband can't date outside the intentional poly family and potential live-ins? Or is that special for MBgirl? For co-primaries?), experience and learn about dating her husband, and constantly process with husband and assess self for comfort and intention. IMHO, go ahead and walk together through complete divorce process, in case the agreed-to timeframe is reached without change in lack of desire to co-habit with poly family. If in time MBgirl becomes comfortable with poly and cohabiting with giant poly family, what is the cost of having divorced (sooner rather than later - unless somehow the poly family makes the husband-wife thing somehow *more* secure than average)?
If cohabiting as a big, happy poly family is *not* a hard limit for gf (or it is for her but she decides it's not important to her to extend it to metamours - that's the part I still don't get) then MBgirl has to figure out if she still wants to date hubby and not live with him.
I lose track of what "being married" means in all this...it starts to sound like the main thing holding two people together, who are *choosing all over again* how to be related to each other in the current context. Is the pressure of *keeping* the marriage a reasonable constraint?
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