Repairing Trust

J

jayblue122

Member
So last night something happened. My boyfriend Jason spontaneously went over to an old casual partners house without telling me about it and fucked her. Then proceed to lie to me about it.

As of yesterday morning he had not seen her in weeks. Has not been intimate with her in months. And had spoken about how she is not healthy for him and how he was not interested in seeing her again. He basically cut her out if his life and vice versa.

(She is in a bad place. She recently raped her ex, she has been stealing and breaking her roommates things and has been hostile and inappropriate to the people around her.)

Out of no where he decides to meet up with her. Did not tell me anything. When driving home I saw his car parked outside her house and contacted him. When I asked him what was going on he told me they were just hanging out. After telling me they just hung out, We continued talking and he admitted having oral sex with her. The fact that he lied to me about this really hurt.

He thought it was fine not to say anything till after because she was an "approved person". However when that was the case he had been seeing her regularly and she was in a much healthier place. The situation had drastically changed and conversations between the three of us, me and him, and me and her had established that she was not really a partner in the same way she had been previously. We have also previously established that he is to talk to me beforehand about sexual engagements with others.

Its also worth mentioning he has been in this situation before, in my role, with his ex in his role.

I feel really hurt that he did not tell me what was happening and that after he fucked her he proceeded to lie about it. I felt relly distant and did not want him to touch me at all. We talked and he apologize and said that he was in the wrong and something like this won't happen again.

I don't like that I dont want him to touch me. I don't like that I don't trust him. I care about him and see him potentially as a long term partner. Tomorrow is our one year anniversary. But I don't know how to make it better...... I still feel really negatively towards him.
 
I'm sorry he chose to do this.

I see that you caught him out in a lie. I see that he has apologized, but I don't see where he's listed what he will do to make amends. It might be too soon to figure out what his final toggles are. All you know right now is that he's apologized. Still don't know on the rest.

  • no apology | apology
  • no desire to make amends | wants to make amends
  • want to continue dating | no more dating, be friends | no more dating, do not be friends

At the same time, you don't sound like you fully know where you land yet on your toggles.

  • Do not forgive | forgive
  • not giving opportunity to make amends | give opportunity to make amends
  • wants to continue dating | no more dating, be friends | no more dating, do not be friends

This JUST happened. It might be too soon for you to figure out if you want to repair and keep going with him or you just want to terminate. It's been a shocker.

I think it's natural to feel negatively toward him right now and not trust in his Word. It's ok to not want him to touch you. The answer to the last toggle for you might also depend on HOW he does in making amends... if you even give opportunity to make amends.

Maybe just take some time to breathe, think, and do some soul searching before you two talk about this again and how to proceed? That gives both of you time and space to figure out the final toggles and if they even match up or not.

Again, I'm sorry you have to be dealing with this. It's not pleasant. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi Jay,

Jason definitely needs to make some kind of amends. Plus you need time to move past your hurt feelings. How do you know you can trust him? He needs to demonstrate some kind of answer to that question.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
Well, there's clearly an amends theme here. So if that's your thing, you need to consider what you would accept fully as amends. Fully. So that you don't bring it up as ammo somewhere in the future. Or continue to dwell on it now and withhold physical affection.

Making amends is very personal to the individuals involved. What do you need and can help give you that?

(Also kinda can't help but wonder if she didn't leave him a lot of choice considering she raped her ex).

But also, it is quite common, in my experience, to reach out to older flames during a time of introspection about current relationships as they escalate. It's not a threat to the current relationship, just a reminder as to why current is current and past is past.

You could also relax your want-to-know info so you don't put yourself in a place of angst when you find out something you weren't told.
 
@GalaGirl
We talked alot last night. I think we are on the same of forgiveness/apologies/desire to work through and continue our relationship.

He said he initiated things with her. So I don't think that was the case in this situation.

I still feel odd about sexual contact with him tho I no longer feel weird about all touching.

@Evie
I am not sure. But I think you are right. I need to figure out what will help me forgive him fully. I guess I just don't know what that is....

Alot of what happened had lots of tie ins into impulsive behavior and his depression. We talked about him clearly defining goals so that he can make decisions in line with those goals. I think seeing him make progress on this will help me. But I also know that will take a fair bit of time.

I also know in my heart I don't want him involved with her. I don't see her as a safe trustworthy person and she honestly scares me. I do not with to be involved with her even by association. Over the past few months I have watched her repeatedly hurt the people around and I don't want that in my life. I do not think she is a healthy person nor has she been healthy for Jason. Before that day he has had multiple hour long panic episodes about seeing her.

That said I don't feel I have the right to tell him he can't see her. He says he wants to asses weather or not she is a healthy choice and in line with his life goals himself. Which is important and I agree he should do. I just fear that he will come to a different conclusion.....

But what if that is the thing that will help me fully forgive him? Then am I stuck in a catch 22?
 
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Sounds like you would rather Jay not involve himself with this old casual partner.
 
Yeah.... I think that would be my preference.... I have sort of told him as much and he has sort of agreed with me. But I think a more explicit conversation about it is in order...

(Also I believe you mentioned Jason, I am Jay)
 
Ugh, sorry, yes I meant Jason ...
 
That said I don't feel I have the right to tell him he can't see her. He says he wants to asses weather or not she is a healthy choice and in line with his life goals himself. Which is important and I agree he should do. I just fear that he will come to a different conclusion.....
Click to expand...

I think you have there right to state where YOU stand.

"I don't want anything to do with her. Even by association. If you choose to date her, then I cannot date you. You seem to want to figure it out for yourself... so we cannot be dating right now."

But what if that is the thing that will help me fully forgive him? Then am I stuck in a catch 22?
Click to expand...

That's where you can pick "Forgive + no longer dating" and then decide if you are friends or not friends. I am guessing not friends since you don't want to be anything to her even by association.

Galagirl
 
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