Resenting the Wife

T

true2self

New member
First, thank god I found this site.

I had an affair that lasted 3 yrs, until the wife found out just over a yr ago. Wife had an affair 20 years ago and decided to tell me about it 5 yrs ago. I wish she didn't, I really do. But I understand it was what she needed to do to heal.

After the wife found out, I pulled away from the other lady, but it was killing me to not have her in my life. So I still talked to her, but not as much. And now and then we would get together intimately.

I hated the lying and sneaking, so after I found this site I came clean and told the wife I loved them both and wanted to make this work for all.

Side note, I'm black and so is my wife. The other lady is Latin. I shared that so you would understand the wife's reply.

She said I was crazy, and no real black women would ever do this. My take is they do, but they just don't know it. I gave the other lady less and less of my time this past yr, trying to do the right thing by my wife and her values. But that made me hate myself, and start to resent the wife.

The other lady said she had to move on, and if I could get where we could all talk and make it work, to contact her. The loss of her is killing me, to say the least. Home life is not the same and lacks energy on my part.

My wife said I have always had lady friends, but with no sex, and I must say she is right. I love the word compersion. I feel the only way for me at this point in my life is an open and honest relationship. Traditional mono marriage is all my wife can see. This is tearing us apart and I'm feeling like I'm just playing a role. I value your input and insight.
 
It sounds like you're at a crossroads where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You could stay and suck it up, you could go, or you could face this. All are hard work. which path would lead you to your joy and be better for everyone?

I suggest encouraging her to a path that is better for both of you at this point, and start learning and educating yourself about what kind of polyamory would work for you. What do you have to lose?

There are lots of posts to read here that could help in answering her and your questions so that both of you know what is possible and what isn't. Doing a term search will bring you to some really good stuff. I suggest reading the threads on "lessons" and "foundations" first.

There is a talk that I love about finding joy through becoming vulnerable, by Brene Brown. Maybe it will inspire. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html I have written about it in my blog also, pg 50, post 491.
 
Depending on your environment and history (your wife's in particular) that fact that mono is all she can "see" is a very real problem. Living life with blinders usually is, in general.

The only possible solution is education. Hopefully she's the type that can enjoy learning just for the knowledge's sake. It doesn't mean we change our views when we learn of others, but the understanding alone makes for more kindness and tolerance in the world.

Get reading! :) Get some exposure, where possible. Hope for the best and see what develops. Cultural conditioning can be a dangerous thing because it can blind us to changes happening around us.
 
thank you

I will start my reading, and point her in the direction. If she balks, I will follow my happiness. I can't stay like this.
 
I am basically in your shoes. I get the heartache from missing the other person who has a piece of your heart. It's been a month and a half since I was allowed to talk to mine. I haven't "come to my senses" or stopped loving him. I have stopped crying most days, though.

I would imagine that your wife is still reeling from the fact that you have been cheating and lying for 3 years. It would be really hard for her to turn around and say "Run along and be with her too" if she doesn't trust you, and right now, she most likely doesn't. But she didn't leave you, which, after knowing you had an ongoing affair, is a great start.

What about seeing a counselor? I hate to see someone throw away such a long marriage where it seems you both still love each other. It's not like you asked for a new pair of shoes and she flipped. You asked for a girlfriend, a completely foreign concept to her, something that seems like it would make her feel foolish if she accepted (from her comments about how no one would do it). Backing her into a corner probably won't work.

However, I am not saying it's okay to just be broken-hearted and feel like you are living a lie. Realizing you are a polyamorous person can be a life-changing thing. You may not be able to stay in a monogamous marriage and have self esteem left. But she may be able to come to a point of acceptance, with time and help.

I don't know. I'm rambling here. I know my life hasn't gotten fixed yet. There are many days I just want to call mine up and say, "I love you and miss you SO much!!!" But to do so would not work, because it would set back all progress we've made so far.

None of this has been easy, but I'm worth fighting for, and so is my husband, so I can't just walk away, I have to work until... no set timeline, just until it works, somehow, for both of us. Sadly, "until" seems a long way off. :(

Hope this doesn't sound preachy. I just wanted to remind you that I think you would mourn the loss of your wife if you were to walk away. It would likely be something you'd regret if you didn't try to work things out first. It may not work, but I can't imagine ever feeling "I wish I never tried to fix problems with my wife of 20+ years."
 
I hope hearing from me makes you feel as good as I do getting this update from you. You feel so alone during this battle. Everyone you talk to is so churchy and monogamous. How many times have your heard "You want to have your cake and eat it to"? Uuuuugh.

I read the The Seven Steps of Intimacy and I feel I'm just poly, a man that wants to be free to be me. Don't want to be controlled by anyone. I'm 51. Time is not promised. Tomorrow could be your last day, a day without your love ones. Shit is going to hurt either way I want to love who I love and let others make their choice if they want my love anymore. God bless you.
 
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