windysails
New member
Edited: Thank you for the advice.
Last edited:
Return to monogamy
- Thread starter windysails
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SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Why did you open your marriage six years in?
Hello windysails,
It sounds like you are going to have to deny your polyamorous feelings, you cannot split with your hubs, and he can't tolerate polyamory. I don't think you can just wash away your feelings, so you will have to feel one way, and do another. Just focus on the good things you are getting out of this arrangement: You have a husband that you love, you are able to orgasm with him, and you have stability in your life.
Hopefully this thread will help.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you are going to have to deny your polyamorous feelings, you cannot split with your hubs, and he can't tolerate polyamory. I don't think you can just wash away your feelings, so you will have to feel one way, and do another. Just focus on the good things you are getting out of this arrangement: You have a husband that you love, you are able to orgasm with him, and you have stability in your life.
Hopefully this thread will help.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Openbook23
Member
"Part time wife" sounds like an attachment issue, or if you don't like attachment theory (which is fine) entanglement and dependence. I mean, you go out with friends right? I can understand why someone might want to have some boundaries about amount of time spent together or apart or whatever (and this could be done without dependence as just sort of general needs/wants). But it mostly sounds like he doesn't want you to be with other men because you might catch feelings. That will make it nearly impossible for you to be poly while staying in this relationship. You already know that, but some people think of poly as a choice and some as an orientation of sorts. Do you think you'd be CHOOSING to be monogamous, or would you be acting monogamous while knowing you are actually poly? I ask because if the latter is the case, you will likely always feel unfufilled.
I have no idea what the odds are of you doing that in the long term without losing your sense of self or being unhappy in your marriage. If you think your spouse will not change on this (ever), you have to ask yourself whether you can deny your polyamory for the rest of your life. If you can, then great!
I have no idea what the odds are of you doing that in the long term without losing your sense of self or being unhappy in your marriage. If you think your spouse will not change on this (ever), you have to ask yourself whether you can deny your polyamory for the rest of your life. If you can, then great!
Openbook23
Member
I'm sorry. That's really hard. Emotional attachments happen. Love happens, especially when we have sex with someone (and spend any time with that person before/after).
I'm dealing with a bit of the time thing myself right now. My wife works regular hours. I don't, and in the summer I'm off work completely. My other partner often has large blocks during the day. So, this seems great, right? I can see her while my wife is working. And yes, that's mostly fine. But my wife does like having me home for when she gets lunch, and also just has a bit of FOMO I guess that we can get together while she is working. At the same time, she gets that she's working and thus shouldn't really complain. VERY minor problem compared to yours, but I think time is just one of those universal issues when seeing multiple people.
I'm dealing with a bit of the time thing myself right now. My wife works regular hours. I don't, and in the summer I'm off work completely. My other partner often has large blocks during the day. So, this seems great, right? I can see her while my wife is working. And yes, that's mostly fine. But my wife does like having me home for when she gets lunch, and also just has a bit of FOMO I guess that we can get together while she is working. At the same time, she gets that she's working and thus shouldn't really complain. VERY minor problem compared to yours, but I think time is just one of those universal issues when seeing multiple people.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Wow …was working on a reply and the main post disappeared …that’s never happened before but I’ll do it from memory.
WHATS the odds of your marriage staying intact ? I’d say low because 1) lifes too short be stuffing yourself in a box or configurations that don’t work for you or for him. 2) resentment is slow acid the eats away whatever good there was .
At some point he’s going to going to realize and more importantly FEEL that you settled and as you mentioned in you post he’ll want to set you free from that. And at the same time he’s got the same right not to settle for a part time wife Or whatever was his second point. RELUCTANTLY agreeing to poly is in IMO a settling . It’s not something you want. It’s not your ideal but it’s something you’re willing to do preserve / not take a complete loss.
I’d say with your high sex drive and very promiscuous history you‘ve always been wired in the poly direction And trying to put that back in the bottle NOW is going to be really hard for not just you either.
PEOPLE here say all the time every relationship has a shelf life. Better to see fundamental incompatibility than to try to compromise out of it.
WHATS the odds of your marriage staying intact ? I’d say low because 1) lifes too short be stuffing yourself in a box or configurations that don’t work for you or for him. 2) resentment is slow acid the eats away whatever good there was .
At some point he’s going to going to realize and more importantly FEEL that you settled and as you mentioned in you post he’ll want to set you free from that. And at the same time he’s got the same right not to settle for a part time wife Or whatever was his second point. RELUCTANTLY agreeing to poly is in IMO a settling . It’s not something you want. It’s not your ideal but it’s something you’re willing to do preserve / not take a complete loss.
I’d say with your high sex drive and very promiscuous history you‘ve always been wired in the poly direction And trying to put that back in the bottle NOW is going to be really hard for not just you either.
PEOPLE here say all the time every relationship has a shelf life. Better to see fundamental incompatibility than to try to compromise out of it.
I totally get what he means by "part time wife."
Sure, mono people have their own lives, go out with friends, have hobbies or may occasionally take separate trips, or have intense work schedules. But my poly exbf felt unavailable to me when he was with his secondary in a way he simply wasn't when he was doing anything else. It was a part of his life where I was not included, wanted or welcome, it was the one time I *had* to keep away. It was not at all like if he was just with friends or family or enjoying a hobby.
Plus, poly cuts right into relationship energy. For example, I personally prefer to spend every night possible with my partner (barring rare occasions,) not just 4 or 5 nights a week so they can be with someone else on the other nights. For me, that feels like half a r'ship. Romantic Getaways? You only have so much money and vacation time, so who you gonna take on that romantic getaway? Me every time, or me half the time?
It doesn't mean the guy is codependent if he doesn't want to share his partner with another partner. It does probably mean he's monogamous and won't feel satisfied in a poly r'ship.