Returning To The New Normal

S

sexyserb

Member
Well, I just need to get some of this stuff out, and have no where else to do it.
This will probably be very boring since I am bucking the trend here and am transitioning back to mono instead of on the journey the other way. My thread is here
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88156

August marked the beginning of this journey when it became apparent to me, much too slowly i will say, that i was about to lose my husband over my decision to be non monogamous. At this point I am still unsure how this will end but I know how I want it to.

No one knows, which makes it so hard. I struggle daily trying to make all the right moves. I think I am making progress but Hero still does not tell me how much he loves me, something I desperately want to hear. Basically, while our outwardly visible life looks more normal than ever, its in my own house that I internally and mentally suffer the most.

How did I get here. Married to a gorgeous, tremendously successful man, beautiful kids, huge house. I have it all. And I may have fucked it all up.

I hired an IC but she approached the thing more as infidelity gone wrong. Thats one thing Hero does not do. He accepts full responsibility for saying OK. But then he proceeded to detach emotionally to the point where I became just his one week a month sex outlet. My IC says I should sit him down, tell him EVERYTHING I did, with who, when, and how many times and everything I can remember. She says that because so far he has honored the DADT agreement but she says at some point he may ask and then I either LIE ( very bad), WITHHOLD ( also bad), or then tell the truth. Right now, all he knows is that I had multiple sex partners but not the debauchery I got myself involved in.

And on top of the rest of it, I am now the JEALOUS one. No, he has not shown any interest in any particular other woman, but now that he is home all the time I see all the attention he gets at the gym and everywhere else, something I did not feel threatened by when he was out of sight and I was spending most of my time getting laid.

I just need support. Im taking it one day at a time. And its really hard. I still love male attention, always have, and its so easy to get for me. So I have to resist that not knowing yet if my effort will pay off. Selfish I'd say,. no?????

If he would just hold me after sex for hours like he used to. If he would come in and lift me up in those gigantic arms like he used to, I would be so happy.
Like I said, I created a mess.
 
Just to try to give you some hope, we had a married forum member (female) who also had a steady girlfriend. It was almost a co-primary situation.

Things imploded rather spectacularly. The girlfriend was basically trying to sabotage the marriage, and the husband was DONE. All three individuals were well off and successful in their given fields. The husband could have had his pick of women.

Our forum member (fulloflove) decided to go mono with her husband. It wasn't a linear transition, and there were more than a few stumbles. The husband sporadically posted as well, and it wasn't clear for a number of months (maybe even a year?) that he could open his heart to her again.

Thankfully, fulloflove didn't give up. She knew she had to prove to herself and her husband that she wanted a mono life with him. If I recall correctly, she became completely transparent. She focused completely on her marriage and her family.

Eventually, a new "normal" set in. They already had two children. They adopted a third, and then she got pregnant again. According to her, she was happy with her choice and her new life.

Fulloflove hasn't posted in a long time. I would like to think they are still happy.

It CAN be done. I'm not saying your situation will work out (are you sure you can be happy being mono for instance?) but there is reason for hope.
 
sexyserb, I am glad to hear from you again! I am sorry you are struggling.

It sounds like your therapist (IC? I don't know what that stands for) doesn't really understand open marriages to the degree you would like.

But on the other hand, you seem to feel that your DADT with Hero was on the borderline of cheating on him. Not the fact you were having sex with men, but the degree of kink that happened. The debauchery, as you call it. That was a big deal for you, and you feel you can't share what you did.

And it seems Hero is very uneasy about whatever it was you did with other men, and has lost trust in you (even though he agreed to it in the first place). I am sorry he doesn't say I love you anymore, or show affection in the way you need. I have BTDT with my ex husband years ago, when we lost trust on our venture into polyamory. It cuts like a knife. It's soul and ego crushing. I won't go into detail here about how it all came down, unless you ask me to.

Continue to post here! Typing it out helps a lot. When I was going through something similar, I had a group of online friends I could pour my heart out to, and their advice, from their varied viewpoints, was invaluable.

The (former) member, FullofLove, that powerpuff mentioned, had a blog and I think if you search for it and read it, you may gain some insight and maybe even hope for your marriage.

I think it can be very confusing when you feel you should be grateful for "having it all," and yet be so unhappy. You're beautiful and attractive, your husband is too, you could both have other lovers at the snap of a finger. You're wealthy, have a great house, kids, etc. Yet something is missing. Wealth and power and unusual beauty can be a blessing, or a curse, it seems.
 
Read it too

I read every thread you wrote glad you came back for update. Hang in there. I think it may just take time babe! Just keep doing your best and forget the rest;)
 
It CAN be done. I'm not saying your situation will work out (are you sure you can be happy being mono for instance?) but there is reason for hope.


Powerpuff. Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. I am determined to win his love back and build a new marriage. I know the old one is a dead duck.

But on the other hand, you seem to feel that your DADT with Hero was on the borderline of cheating on him. Not the fact you were having sex with men, but the degree of kink that happened. The debauchery, as you call it. That was a big deal for you, and you feel you can't share what you did.


Mags. No neither of us think it was cheating. Hero never says that. What I meant was that the therapist approached it the same way she would have with an infidelity situation. I guess debauchery was not a great word. Just things that Hero would never do ( threesomes, group sex, and yes a gang bang).

And it seems Hero is very uneasy about whatever it was you did with other men, and has lost trust in you (even though he agreed to it in the first place).
Actually he has not asked for the gory details, and HAS accepted the fact that with my prodding he did agree. But instead of having what I guess you would call compersion he detached gradually when it becamse evident that it did not get out of my system in a few weeks or encounters.

I think it can be very confusing when you feel you should be grateful for "having it all," and yet be so unhappy. You're beautiful and attractive, your husband is too, you could both have other lovers at the snap of a finger. You're wealthy, have a great house, kids, etc. Yet something is missing. Wealth and power and unusual beauty can be a blessing, or a curse, it seems.

Mags, I am not totally unhappy. I have my husband still and I have my life. I just need to win his romantic love back. He loves me, has told me he would kill someone if they tried to hurt me, but its the true passionate love I miss and need. I don't provide the wealth and power. I just have been the beneficiary of his providing it. My contribution has been to raise our beautiful children and man the homefront, and he is grateful for that and always tells me that and recognizes that. He NEVER minimIzes what being a SAHM has meant to him and our family.

But thank you so much for your support

I read every thread you wrote glad you came back for update. Hang in there. I think it may just take time babe! Just keep doing your best and forget the rest

Val76. Thank you and I am going to do just that. I am determined to prove to him that I have moved on from the past and have no intentions of not trying everything humanely possible to be the wife I was in this new phase. It takes time I know.

This week end is a relaxing one. We are at the campus of our daughter, who like her Mom, has found herself madly in love with a gigantic college football player almost as big as Hero. Hero loves this and we will be among the over 90,000 at the game. I know he will want to retire some day to a college town. I wish I could bottle the atmosphere and time Hero and I are having. Last night, he held my hand everywhere we went, from the team hotel to the bar after. If I could have that at home I would love it.

Gotta go. Thank you for listening. Its tailgate time.
__________________
 
OMG. What a week end!!!! I feel so much more upbeat. It is so wonderful to spend time with Hero away from business parties, business conferences, friends and their families. It's like we were on a desert island with no worries in the world. He is like a different person when he just relaxes.

It was interesting meeting my daughters boyfriends parents. They're from a different world than we occupy. They are both high school teachers, very middle class, very nice people. I love how my husband does not throw our economic status around and acts so humble. Just says he is in sales for XYZ Corporation.
Just a great day. The right team won, daughter and boyfriend are like little love birds. He reminds me so much of my Hero when we were in college.

The best part was when we got back to hotel Saturday night. I wanted him so badly but was not sure if he wanted me, but that was quickly dispelled once the hotel door was shut. It was ALMOST like it used to be. He made love to me for a long time and he actually held me tight in his arms when we finished. It has been so long since I had that joy I am in tears writing this.

I'm almost afraid to ask what caused his sudden change. Now we are home, back to the corporate world we live in. That means more late dinners, more people demanding his time, and me wondering if this week end was an aberration. And next week end is another business conference I have to attend with him and be all smiley as we do the "ken and Barbie" routine.
I'm sorry . I am being stupid. I should be grateful. Many would kill to do what I'm doing.

The best part for me is last week end I had no thoughts of other men looking at me, no desire to even care, and was oblivious to it all. Thats a step forward for me. Getting out of "attention whore" mode is a big step.

Tonight I am going to make him something he likes to eat, put on a real sexy outfit and try for a repeat of Saturday night. I can't wait till he walks in the door.
 
sexyserb said:
Powerpuff. Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. I am determined to win his love back and build a new marriage. I know the old one is a dead duck.
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Last week or whenever it was when you and I commented on that other thread this was the exact point I was trying to make and for whatever reasons it kept getting lost. Maybe it didn't sound positive enough or something but at least you get it and see it. Clearly you're still married and neither of you are pressing for divorce yet things have changed and the old marriage is no more.


This week end is a relaxing one. We are at the campus of our daughter, who like her Mom, has found herself madly in love with a gigantic college football player almost as big as Hero. Hero loves this and we will be among the over 90,000 at the game. I know he will want to retire some day to a college town. I wish I could bottle the atmosphere and time Hero and I are having. Last night, he held my hand everywhere we went, from the team hotel to the bar after. If I could have that at home I would love it.

Gotta go. Thank you for listening. Its tailgate time.
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I know exactly what you're talking about ....some schools / towns just seem to really do it right and there's an energy. Notre Dame or Alabama ....schools with big alumni followings. Very fun. Awesome idea to retire in a town like that...( if you like the team/ program )
I had a chance to get together with my old football teammates a few weeks ago ...guys I haven't seen in 15 -20 yrs and it was sort of funny at the surgeries and replacements and aches and pains we all have but not one of us would go back and do it differently. How's hero holding up ? :D
 
Last week or whenever it was when you and I commented on that other thread this was the exact point I was trying to make and for whatever reasons it kept getting lost. Maybe it didn't sound positive enough or something but at least you get it and see it. Clearly you're still married and neither of you are pressing for divorce yet things have changed and the old marriage is no more.



Thanks Dinged. We were in agreement on the other thread we posted on and you are right it was lost. Once she told her husband she wanted to have sex with other men, things change. But some here think it is now his obligation to accept it since she was truthful.

You are also so correct and that the old marriage is dead. I did a lot of reading on both here and infidelity forums and a lot of women simply cannot understand that for men, or MOST men, their wives having sex with other men is a game changer, even if it does not end the marriage. Men react differently. my husband just moved me to sexual partner period for his gratification, and when he was gone I almost did not exist. Of course that was over time.

I honestly believe he thought if he followed the Dr. Hartley advice of letting it all go on and not interfering that i would tire of it. Didn't happen.

I am more optimistic now than I have been, But I have very little margin for error.

I know exactly what you're talking about ....some schools / towns just seem to really do it right and there's an energy. Notre Dame or Alabama ....schools with big alumni followings. Very fun. Awesome idea to retire in a town like that...( if you like the team/ program )
I had a chance to get together with my old football teammates a few weeks ago ...guys I haven't seen in 15 -20 yrs and it was sort of funny at the surgeries and replacements and aches and pains we all have but not one of us would go back and do it differently. How's hero holding up

Hero played for a major school like those you mentioned and he has stated he would love to someday retire on a college town. I think you understand why. It is refreshing to get away from all the big city rush and chaos. And he loves college sports, as all our kids have and are athletes in college. I was a good athlete too but I foolishly chose boys and beauty pageants over sports.

Hero always holds up well. He is an amazingly strong man both physically and emotionally. I am not that strong. I have to formulate my responses for when he does finally want to talk seriously about our future after Christmas. I know he is not going to do anything before than unless I fuck up because he wants to get through this Holiday before possibly having to say anything to the kids. And he will NEVER lie to them if it comes to that.

I still try to figure out what caused me to do what I did. I watched the Esther Perel speech or seminar on " Why Happily married Women Cheat?". No I did not technically cheat, we all know that, but I am and was deeply in love with my husband, still am, and yet I had this need to do what I did . If anyone has watched this talk she gave, she says that the pressures of your spouse in a monogamous marriage being expected to fill all of your needs make it a very difficult task for some.

I am also thinking of FOO issues. I had a great family and childhood. No abuse or neglect and I love all my siblings. If there is anything that maybe contributed to my emotional or mental development, the only thing I can think of is my Mom maybe should not have been so amused by all the boys chasing after me. It became so easy to manipulate boys and later men that that combined with giving up any future career left a void in me that men filled. But before the kids left the house I did amazingly well turning down all the advances from wherever they came even though I have always been a blatant flirt.

I also have my social circle that I now must deal with. A few of them noticed when I was not hanging out with them much although none know why. No one knows other than Hero, and he wants to keep it that way and so do I. Now I'm available and I have gotten a few comments ( in jest ) about now I must have broken up with my boyfriend. Little do they know. My friends all know Hero does not travel any more and all of a sudden I am available all the time to do stuff. Gossip travels with women who have nothing to do but spend their husbands money.

I did have a thought. I have read that men sometimes trigger if they see their wives in outfits that they wore when cheating. Yes, I know I technically was not cheating, but I do have a lot of clothes and lingerie i wore for other men . Of course with DADT, Hero has no idea but I sometimes wonder if he is wondering. It would cost a fortune to get rid of it all but I am more scared to ask if he wants me to. Maybe I'm paranoid for no reason.

Last night, he was not in the mood. I feel bad when he does not crave me. But enough of the pity party. I'm going tp buy a new outfit to wear this week end. I want to look great so Hero is so proud to have me on his arm.

I see the wine glass as half full not half empty. One day at a time.
 
I'm getting the impression that your kids are all out of the house?

If so, maybe you are already doing this, have you considered volunteering, or possibly taking on part-time employment with something you really WANT to do, so you have something tangible just for YOU? Since you don't need the money, you can afford to be picky about what you do.

Just a thought.
 
I'm getting the impression that your kids are all out of the house?

If so, maybe you are already doing this, have you considered volunteering, or possibly taking on part-time employment with something you really WANT to do, so you have something tangible just for YOU? Since you don't need the money, you can afford to be picky about what you do.

Just a thought

Powerpuff,

Yup, I started all this when last one went off to college. I do volunteer at an animal shelter. The job thing is tricky. Personally, with an MBA, I guess my pride makes me not want to do work that I am so overqualified for it is silly. And right now, if Hero calls and says we need to go to dinner or a social event from his work with someone I need to be available.
I know that may sound crappy, but for the lifestyle that his 80 hour weeks provide with no kids around its the least I can do.
I did so much running with school activities when the last one left I actually was looking forward to the "break". But i did not expect to become Mrs. Insatiable".
Thanks for your suggestions.
 
Believe me, I was NOT trying to be judgmental or anything. Your life is so different from mine that I just can't quite wrap my head around it!

It's good you are doing some volunteering. I don't think I could work in an animal shelter, unless it was a no-kill one. I'm a big baby.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Believe me, I was NOT trying to be judgmental or anything. Your life is so different from mine that I just can't quite wrap my head around it!

It's good you are doing some volunteering. I don't think I could work in an animal shelter, unless it was a no-kill one. I'm a big baby.
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Were on the same page on this one Power. I could NEVER work in a kill shelter. We have multiple big dogs of our own. Hero worries I'll bring the whole shelter home.

Your life is so different from mine that I just can't quite wrap my head around it!

Different than I ever expected too. Raised in comfortable middle class, nothing out of the ordinary. Sometimes I look around and ask myself "what planet am I on?"
 
Well, its Friday and Hero and I leave in a few hours for some fancy business get together about two hours from here. Really wish it was last week end and that we were headed to a football week end. I feel out of place with most of these other wives at these things. Most of them are at least ten years older than me, some look older than that, and because Hero is so young for this level I stand out like a sore thumb. I purposely try to "dress down" into what I call frumpy mode. When I interact with these women, I always wonder which ones were faithful and which ones cheated. just a game I play in my mind. I'm sure their hair would stand straight up if they knew my little background for the last bit of time. Heaven forbid that.

We are getting along great, but I still have to pinch myself because I know it is not the same. Can he live long term with that is the big question. But right now I feel on solid ground, which makes me very happy. So far, I am not having any relapses or second thoughts on my decision to return to monogamy, but I think what bothers Hero is that he is not sure he can count on that. Sometime soon we have to discuss this. I am debating whether or not to start or initiate the conversation.

I would be lying if I said I never had thoughts about the "fun" I had, but I certainly am not miserable and it has not been that long. I still get the attention, and still go looking for it sometimes discreetly, but just do not need to act on it.

I think I may find another therapist. It will be interesting to see if someone else has the same opinion and recommendations.

That's it for today. I am off to play "corporate wifey".
 
sexyserb said:
Well, its Friday and Hero and I leave in a few hours for some fancy business get together about two hours from here. .
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Right ....nice cover. Wink wink ...I saw the international headline of the royal wedding. How was the food ? :D. Which side of the church did you sit on ?
 
dingedheart said:
Right ....nice cover. Wink wink ...I saw the international headline of the royal wedding. How was the food ? :D. Which side of the church did you sit on ?
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Not sure why or what you are trying to do, but can't see how this is helpful so I'll just choose to ignore it.
 
So sorry ....saw the headline of the Serbian prince getting married, I didn't even know there was a royal family until reading the story. I thought it was a funny coincidence that all.
 
dingedheart said:
So sorry ....saw the headline of the Serbian prince getting married, I didn't even know there was a royal family until reading the story. I thought it was a funny coincidence that all.
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OK. LOL. My prince is not the Serbian half of this couple. He’s a good old fashioned WASP.

Now the bad news. Just when everything is going pretty good, my husband has just told me he has to travel all week next week. I thought this shit was over. Not that big a deal I guess. Just me being selfish. I want him here with me. All the time. I’m wondering if he is worried leaving or if that will trigger him once he leaves. I think I will have that conversation and ask. Not asking and talking almost got me headed big time to divorce so now I think communication needs to happen.

The good part of this is I will gage my thoughts and see how much progress I have really made on being what he needs. It’s easy to talk the talk but I need to walk the walk. That means finding stuff to do that does. Not involve putting myself in awkward situations and doing that because I want it that way.

I am going out one night with my girlfriends but that was planned before Hero told me he was leaving. He has not said a word. Do I go or cancel on them? I think I go to keep the gossip at a minimum. If I am a no show while he is gone that feeds into the crap that a few of them have noticed.

Tomorrow after work we are going to the gym. LOL. Ill be in a Zumba class with 99% women and he will be out there lifting weights with a bunch of 20 year olds ogling him and his workout buddies. But its good to do stuff together and we go home together and hopefully have some sexy times.

On a happy note, my youngest tells me how her guys parents thought we were great people and she is a happy girl. That makes me happy.
 
Well, I made an appointment with another therapist. JUst want to try to figure out how I got here for my own benefit. My instinct tells me “resentment” , FOO, and MLC, but for my own sanity I need to delve deeper into this. Or was it just plain selfish or as Ester Perel says how hard it is for one person to fill all your needs. My guess is selfish since I did not desire any other men until I guess I got bored with him gone all the time. Last therapist came down more on the side of selfish.

One of my good friends wants to have a “private” lunch with me next week. That is worrisome. I know her marriage is not the best and the last thing I need right now is to get drawn into the middle of who knows what, but I owe her the opportunity to talk. It’s the “private” thing, insuring I do not invite anyone else, that bothers me.

Quiet week end I guess. My husband will be glued to the TV watching football all day and night Saturday into the wee hours of the morning when the West Coast games end. Thank heavens this only goes on for a few months, LOL. I’m going shopping to try to make Sunday “fireworks” day in my bedroom. I’m craving affection from him.

One more dilemma. One of my previous FWB keeps trying to contact me. The burner that I had is discarded, but he has tried FB, even though I made it clear it was over. Now the question is do I tell my husband or just ignore it. ???? It really pisses me off. My gut says say nothing but I if this genius does something really stupid that Hero finds out about it will look like I have been hiding it. Does DADT apply if you are back to monogamy???
 
What kind of stupid thing might this genius do? Can you not block him from all social media? Are you afraid he will contact Hero or some of your friends and out you about all the things you did?
 
What kind of stupid thing might this genius do? Can you not block him from all social media? Are you afraid he will contact Hero or some of your friends and out you about all the things you did?

Mags, this was one guy who I liked and trusted. He just wants to have sex with me again. He was one of the few who knew my social media and one of the last I cut off and stopped seeing. He's a really cocky guy who actually was delusional enough to think he should meet my husband and that he could convince Hero to be friends. That idea went no where. And he was cheating on his wife with me so I do not think he would go the route of social media. Yes I have now blocked him. i did not think it was necessary on this guy.

I'm not responding and Hero does not check my social media. He stated right from the beginning he ain't going that route. I just do not know whether or not to say anything about it.
 
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