Rollercoaster of emotions

Princess.Ismay

New member
Hey all. My name is Ismay. I got into my first polycule back in March and for a while it was fantastic. I had joined into a couples relationship with a friend-A and her husband-R. I was told it was a healthy and stable relationship. I have been poly for years, but this was my first time getting to experience a relationship.

I had always made sure to ask questions and communicate, especially around intimate time between both or only 1 partner at a time. The answer I was given was it was acceptable that intimacy could happen between all 3 of us, or any 2 of us. A went on a vacation and I spent some time alone with R that was communicated before A left.[nothing sexual/intimate occured]. But after A came back she kept saying I overstepped boundaries and that R and I were cheating on A because she thought things had happened.

A never wanted to sit down and have a discussion about this no matter how much we begged, and A's assumptions kept getting worse no matter what we told her. A asked for space, and in the middle of the 3 of us spending time together, she'd leave to go see someone else, leaving R and I together...even though though A didn't like us alone together. We gave her space and started hanging out more, where we both started developing deeper feelings for each other.

Now A is blaming me for their separation, when clearly this relationship was not strong when I joined. The had separated before and when I first met A, she was engaged to someone else. It had been a few years and I didn't question her getting back with her ex-R.

Looking back I caught so many red flags, but it was my first poly relationship and I didn't see them at the time. A miscommunicated so much and R and I realised she had about 3 other partners, but it wasn't ok that R had a relationship with me. I had tried getting into a deeper relationship with A because I've liked her for years, but she said she was not good at committing to female relationships. I hate looking back and seeing all of the messed up things that happened in our relationship. But out of that R and I have developed such a strong bond and I've never felt safer and happier in a relationship. I wouldn't have met him without this experience and both of us couldn't be happier together. A finally started pushing for divorce (they had previously been heading toward legal separation but never finalized). R and I have conversations about all the hard stuff constantly and he's been emotionally detached from her for a while but I know things get sticky leagally when going through a divorce and dating someone else.

On top of that, they have a kid.. I don't want to damage what parental rights he may get awarded by just being in a relationship with him. Their daughter knows me very well and I used to spend lots of time with her, where she would even start calling me her second mom (she didn't know of our triad) just that I spent lots of time over there and I would take care of her too. I've always had such a soft spot for children. I'm afraid that A will manipulate situations in negotiations because she has called me mentally unstable and childish because of my disabilities. (I'm mildly autistic and have anxiety disorders) I've been told by R that their daughter still asks about me. R and I know that A can become very manipulative and say whatever she wants to turn a situation her way.

We've been secret about our relationship but he doesn't deny we're together if we are out in public.

I'm just trying to navigate all this and not burden R with all my emotions as he navigates this himself. I love him and I want to do what's best for him and his daughter. I know this was a lot and took a lot of turns. Any advice or information would be very inciteful.
 
I'm sorry this is happening.

FWIW, here is what pops out at me.

A miscommunicated so much and R and I realised she had about 3 other partners, but it wasn't ok that R had a relationship with me.

Are you saying that A. was not clear about having 3 other partners before you joined this poly network? And that husband R. didn't know about these people either?

So she was already cheating on R. when you joined? And basically also cheating on you too because she left out parts when you signed up? You though the situation was X but really it was Y?

A went on a vacation and I spent some time alone with R that was communicated before A left.[nothing sexual/intimate occured]. But after A came back she kept saying I overstepped boundaries and that R and I were cheating on A because she thought things had happened.

So basically because A. is a cheater, she expects everyone else to be cheating too?

And/or A. says stuff that she doesn't really mean and expects people to be mind readers? And gets mad if the people "guess wrong?"

I have been poly for years, but this was my first time getting to experience a relationship.

Looking back I caught so many red flags, but it was my first poly relationship and I didn't see them at the time.

I had tried getting into a deeper relationship with A because I've liked her for years, but she said she was not good at committing to female relationships.

Sound like you got excited at the idea about getting to be in a polyship in general that maybe you didn't vet it well. And maybe a little besotted at finally getting to date A. in particular.

We've been secret about our relationship but he doesn't deny we're together if we are out in public.

And now you and R. continue in secret because of A's blow ups? Or do you mean you are just not out to the child at this point?

I'm just trying to navigate all this and not burden R with all my emotions as he navigates this himself. I love him and I want to do what's best for him and his daughter. I know this was a lot and took a lot of turns. Any advice or information would be very inciteful.

How about doing what it best for YOU first, THEN what is best for him and child? Not like selfish or mean, but like put your own oxygen mask on first in the plane before trying to help other people.

Not sure where you all live, and you do not have to say. Every place has its own divorce laws. I think R. could get a lawyer to help guide R. through the process. It's also better to be the one to file at City Hall than be the recipient, so if nobody had gone to file yet? R could do it. Once you start the machine by filing the forms, you just do the steps. If it were R. posting, I'd say other stuff about divorce, but it's is YOU posting. You are not responsible for the divorce tasks on R's to do list.

What would I say to you?

You could quit dating R for a while so he can get through his divorce first.

If you want something you could tell R? Like one bit and then back off?

Could say that even if A's been a pain in the butt, R could choose to split things in half and ask for shared custody.

I think it is petty to be vindictive in a divorce. Esp when there's a child to finish raising. Plus on his side? What is A gonna complain about? That he tries to be fair? And not use divorce court as weapon? That he's thinking about the well being of child?

Don't stress too much. This experience might be a first time for you.... but divorce courts have seen it all. Most don't want to tangle with the couple's weirdo. They want to get on to sorting out debts and assets and child custody and that kind of stuff. The move it forward and get it done stuff.

Once the divorce is final, you and R can date again. I know the feelings might be hard, but it's not that different to me than dating a military person and them having to go away for a while on deployment. Just that R has to "go away for a while" to straighten out his divorce.

It also gives you a little space and time to think about how you want YOUR life to be. Because at some point? You and R. will probably have to talk about the future and what that all holds and if you will continue to poly or not. IF you even want to keep on dating him. That decision has to come first for you.

I mean this kindly ok? You just started dating in March. It's not a very long relationship. The triad broke up. They are divorcing. And the triad might still BE breaking up. Because sometimes it ends up in a V with two dyads, or just one dyad, or everyone single.

And to come crashing down from the NRE lala clouds a bit on the earlier side because of divorce? Not fun. Be careful you aren't still trying to hang on to those NRE lala clouds.

It sounds pretty fresh, and hopefully you and R. have some foundations to stand on. And not like just clinging together for now because of the stress. At the same time? It's only been 6 mos of dating. How much foundation can there be? So try to keep a level head and not let your soft feelings for R do all the driving. Head and heart together, right?

So maybe some time apart let's you do some soul searching? Because on top of all else, you are also losing A. as your long time friend, not just as your 6 mos GF. And if A. was doing lies of omission you might feel betrayed on both layers. Like... how could my friend/GF do that to me?

You might also have some anger to process -- anger at yourself and/or anger at the couple who presented themselves as stable when really they weren't. And your own feelings of ____ because it's never fun to be collateral damage. Like you were supposed to be the "bandaid person" if a rocky couple is trying to use poly for a bandaid to enable them to continue together / avoid addressing issues in the marriage / assuage whatever cheating guilt / fill in the blank stuff they are trying to skip or avoid.

You might consider a counselor. Because then you can have some support during that soul searching and get your own thoughts in order first. Before trying to process anything with R.

Maybe you also get individual counselor AND you and R go see a couples counselor for help if you choose to continue with him.

And maybe that can do two things.... provide support for the hurt feelings and give you and R. a structure in which to talk to each other during a difficult time and see if this relationships is a long haul runner. As well as provide some suggestions for how to navigate the divorce/childcare issues from each of your points of view.

I hope things sort out one way or another so your stress gets better. Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Are you saying that A. was not clear about having 3 other partners before you joined this poly network? And that husband R. didn't know about these people either?
So it had been told to me that A and R were both poly, but it came to be seen that A was allowed to have other partners where R apparently could not. A did not want to lose R to someone else.

And/or A. says stuff that she doesn't really mean and expects people to be mind readers? And gets mad if the people "guess wrong?"

That's exactly what A does. She says one thing but expected both R and I to mind read what she really meant.


And now you and R. continue in secret because of A's blow ups? Or do you mean you are just not out to the child at this point?

A bit of both. The child doesn't know yet about any of the relationships past R and A. I've been keeping it more on the DL because they are still married at this point and I don't want to get told off by anyone how I'm the problem and I'm the 'other woman' etc.

Plus on his side? What is A gonna complain about? That he tries to be fair? And not use divorce court as weapon? That he's thinking about the well being of child?

A will go to great lengths to manipulate anyone she can. She tried to get my mother involved when R moved out, making sure R wouldn't not have a place to stay at my house (I'm living with my parents) She would go so far as to lie and I was mentally unfit for her child to be around, or that I was crazy, or anything that would keep the child from me, and possibly R . [That's my fear, R and I have seen her manipulate things like this before]


And to come crashing down from the NRE lala clouds a bit on the earlier side because of divorce? Be careful you aren't still trying to hang on to those NRE lala clouds.

It sounds pretty fresh, and hopefully you and R. have some foundations to stand on. And not like just clinging together for now because of the stress. At the same time? It's only been 6 mos of dating. How much foundation can there be? So try to keep a level head and not let your soft feelings for R do all the driving. Head and heart together, right?
I completely understand what you mean. I don't trust many people to begin with, so the fact I felt so utterly comfortable with R from the start makes me feel more solid than just NRE. R and I have already talked about our future and I realise its still early, but it seems R and I are really determined for the long run. Since being with me and getting out of the abusive relationship he was in with A, R has rediscovered things he was passionate in life that A always shot down. It doesn't seem like a lot of foundation, but the about of communication R and I have had and just the way things have been moving with us, A aside, has been the strongest relationship I've ever had. But I will still proceed with caution and lead with my head as well.

Thank you.
 
A aside, has been the strongest relationship I've ever had. But I will still proceed with caution and lead with my head as well.

If THIS is best relationship you ever had? Dating some guy whose been emotionally and verbally abused for a long time? Maybe going super slow and extra careful is a good thing. Make sure you aren't white knighting. And be careful. If it turns out A is a nutter, you don't need her coming after you and your family. Esp since she's already trying to pay head games with your mother.

Are you aware that abused people sometimes "ping pong" leave before making the final break? Like try to leave, go back, try to leave, go back, etc?

You might end up deciding to stop being R's romantic partner and just be a supportive friend who encourages him to leave abuse for good.

I don't know if anything here helps. The articles mid list include what friends and family can do for the person depending on what stage they are at.

https://speakoutloud.net/articles

So it had been told to me that A and R were both poly, but it came to be seen that A was allowed to have other partners where R apparently could not. A did not want to lose R to someone else.

So were both A. and R. were complicit in not telling you what "the actual deal was" here before you signed up?

Or was A. telling R. one thing but really it's like a One Vagina Policy? It was not actually open for all. Just open for A.

A. doesn't want to lose him, but is going to push for divorce? Or does A. use the threat of divorce to make R do her bidding because he's afraid of breaking up?

If those two are not suited, best R. just go file and stop kicking the can down the road dragging it out.

If he is dragging out because he's not well? Or he's enmeshed or whatever? Well, you can't help R. still picking out wonky A. But you are broken up with A. And you CAN help picking out R to date.

You can finish breaking up with both of them if this is just too much for you. Because even if they divorce, they have to coparent the child. A's in his life somewhere at least until the child is 18 or 21. When this child is an adult, then R doesn't have to be so hands on with the kid or deal with his x as a coparent.

If you never want to deal with A. at all ever again? That's ok too.

Which is the main problem in my mind. Only YOU can tell what kind of a mess this is and how healthy R is as a partner because you are the one actually there. And only YOU can figure out how much you are willing to deal with as the price of admission to dating R.

I encourage you to do your soul searching. Cuz if he comes with too much baggage, it's just too much.

It doesn't seem like a lot of foundation, but the about of communication R and I have had and just the way things have been moving with us,

You could decide to rely on that. That you and R have a foundation based on clear communication. And keep on communicating PLAIN.

A will go to great lengths to manipulate anyone she can.

And for your own well being you clearly tell R. that you don't want to be in the crossfire. So for now you prefer not to date and wait til he is done with his divorce things before getting back together. Take a time out. And you wait until divorce is completely final and there's been some time/space between the triad break up before you try again with R.

You are not obligated to provide him with a place to stay during his divorce. He can ask among his friends, family, or just deal with living in the same place as his STBX like many others have had to do before him.

Is he at risk for domestic violence? If so, he might want to think about making a safety plan.

But again... YOU are not responsible for his divorce to do list. He is.

This can't be like you and R trauma bonding over whatever A is doing. That's not a healthy way to build a relationship.

It really sucks with this timing. If they had already been shaky? Better had A and R finished breaking up before doing polyamory with ANYONE.

Galagirl
 
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Or was A. telling R. one thing but really it's like a One Vagina Policy? It was not actually open for all. Just open for A.
Pretty much A seemed to dictate what was allowed with little to no input from what R wanted. A could go and be with whoever she wanted, but R was only allowed to be with A or A and I together. However, that is not what she initially told me about the dynamic. It was told to me that it was all open and all 3 of us could be with each other, and others outside the triad.

If THIS is best relationship you ever had? Dating some guy whose been emotionally and verbally abused for a long time?
By the best relationship, not coming from the abuse, R learned to deal with that a long time ago, but we just clicked, as friends, and more. We have similar interests, we are both extremely comfortable and open with each other, which I've never had before so strongly with someone. I feel R really deeply cares for me and it feels like we've been friends forever.

Both A and R want divorce, since their previous separation was never finalized and R doesn't want to be legally married to A anymore. A has told him to start the divorce "so she can get rid of his name". They would be going the mediation route as there isn't much for them to to go through court with. The only shared "collateral" is the child.. there are no shared houses, bills, accounts, or finances separate from the child. They just want to end their marriage and separate from each other to move on.

R even feels so bad that he agreed with A to add me into the dynamic they had and that I got used by A the way I did. But he seems to really care about me and wants to be finished with his marriage to A as soon as possible
 
Pretty much A seemed to dictate what was allowed with little to no input from what R wanted. A could go and be with whoever she wanted, but R was only allowed to be with A or A and I together.

So R agreed to let A be "Queen Bee." Whether or not it was actual consent, or R. saying whatever to keep her doing more verbal or emotional abuse at him, doesn't really matter.

Bottom line, is that if he know ahead of time it was NOT actually open for all? Just for A? He didn't give you that heads up.

R even feels so bad that he agreed with A to add me into the dynamic they had and that I got used by A the way I did. But he seems to really care about me and wants to be finished with his marriage to A as soon as possible

Well, hopefully he's apologized for his share of the situation making. If you are able to forgive R for that? Then maybe you can still try.

Both A and R want divorce, since their previous separation was never finalized and R doesn't want to be legally married to A anymore. A has told him to start the divorce "so she can get rid of his name". They would be going the mediation route as there isn't much for them to to go through court with. The only shared "collateral" is the child.. there are no shared houses, bills, accounts, or finances separate from the child. They just want to end their marriage and separate from each other to move on.

That makes it easier. R could do https://www.wevorce.com/ if usable where he lives. Friend of mine used it for his. He did traditional in his first divorce. So tried this in his second. He said it worked well for them.

Another friend went traditional even though she knew about alternatives like that one. She just downloaded and filled out the PDFs from City Hall and asked me to come with and drive her over to file them. It was easy enough. I took her to lunch after.

Like I said, the divorce court people have seen it all. They have other cases to process so the fact that they are business like about it actually helps. You start the machine rolling and just do the things down the checklist and get done.

You could hang back and expect R. to follow through with filing and getting his life in order.

Galagirl
 
So R agreed to let A be "Queen Bee." Whether or not it was actual consent
Well, hopefully he's apologized for his share of the situation making. If you are able to forgive R for that? Then maybe you can still try.

Yes. R let A take reigns just to appease her and regrets that he did. I never blamed him for what happened as R seemed to be as out of the loop and I was the closer we got and more we spoke to each other. A would tell us one thing, but actually felt or meant the opposite. It was always walking on eggshells around A.
 
Hello Ismay,

I am floored by the extremities of what you've been through. You've been treated awful by A, and great by R. You and R have an exceptional relationship: a strong relationship, a valuable relationship. The one good thing to come out of this mess. Well, that and your relationship with his daughter. I think you should hang on to those good things. A is basically unhinged, and will probably try to split you and R up. Don't let her do that. You stay with R no matter what, he is a good man. A will probably try to turn her daughter against you. You just be as strong as you can; let that daughter know that you care whenever you can. R may want to consult a lawyer when it comes to custody. A 50/50 split in visitation would be fair, but if R tries for more than that (no doubt using you as her reason), R should fight that in court. A is going to want to hurt you. You will have to be strong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello Ismay,

I am floored by the extremities of what you've been through. You've been treated awful by A, and great by R. You and R have an exceptional relationship: a strong relationship, a valuable relationship. The one good thing to come out of this mess. Well, that and your relationship with his daughter. I think you should hang on to those good things. A is basically unhinged, and will probably try to split you and R up. Don't let her do that. You stay with R no matter what, he is a good man. A will probably try to turn her daughter against you. You just be as strong as you can; let that daughter know that you care whenever you can. R may want to consult a lawyer when it comes to custody. A 50/50 split in visitation would be fair, but if R tries for more than that (no doubt using you as her reason), R should fight that in court. A is going to want to hurt you. You will have to be strong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you. I really appreciate this
 
No problem, glad if I could help.
 
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