I imagine you are going through first stages of grief like shock/denial. Maybe even some bargaining. I don't know.
I hope you feel better for airing out some here. I'm struggling to take it in, and I'm not even in it. You are in it.
So don't be in a rush to gloss it over. SLOW DOWN. Internet people might be able to help with 1 or 2 things, but you have a whole spaghetti tangle going on there. Please do try to see a counselor to help you sort out.
He knew what I meant when I said to get a girlfriend, it was very specific in getting someone when I’m not around. And quite frankly I find a woman who literally lied about everything she said and willing to bareback a stranger after 2 hours not girlfriend material. I would not allow that and he knows that.
Could you please be willing to clarify? What do you mean "allow?" Like you parent him and have to tell him what to do? You tell him what is allowed and what is not allowed?
Or like you would walk away if he started taking up with weirdo people? Like a personal boundary? Like... "I will not allow myself to be involved in hinky things."
He's the type to go all in feet first into any situation
And if that approach goes wrong... isn't it on him to learn from experience and then modify his behavior?
We travel at different times during parts of the years and I know his level of sexual need and didn’t want him to be lonely while I am away. While I’m away I’m not seeing anyone else but am ok with masturbating or not. I can survive without sex during our time apart but I know it’s harder for him.
You don't see other people?
Did you agree to open marriage like some kind of preemptive strike? "I don't trust him not to cheat. So I'm going to be ok with casual sex while traveling so long as he uses condoms and doesn't bring people home."
And now you struggle. Because even though super simple open agreements, he STILL cheated on them?
I've read the messages between them, I've seen it all. And as much pain as I'm in my heart can't help but hurt for him and his heart. Opening up to her, isn’t a problem. Because everything he said was true. It’s the lying, hiding and the actual act of thinking a stranger who lied and he saw the red flags, he admitted that. But he put it aside because he was thinking with his dick.
Casino Chick is no angel. But making her out to be the Big Baddie who mesmerized him somehow with her spell...
When he admits he knew he was taking up with wacky and was just thinking with his dick? He saw the red flags and chose to ignore them? That's not anything "heart" to me.
Why do you have to rescue him from everything?
- Rescue him from blue balls? Feeling lonely?
- Rescue him from feeling bad if he chooses to hook up bareback with weirdo sounding people?
- Rescue him from his behavior choices having natural consequences? He chose to cheat. Now he sees you cry and be upset that he cheated on his agreements. (But then YOU feel bad he has to see that?)
I get being worried where his actions might affect you and child. But where exactly do you draw the line and expect him to do some of his own work? Take personal responsibility for his behavior choices?
Rather than you doing all the work or being responsible for everything?
Thank God he listened to me when I brought up all the lying she did, thank goodness he was willing to see that and admit he saw the red flags instead of pushing those thoughts aside even longer. Hopefully this will bring us closer and make us stronger.
You have to do his thinking for him too?
Why do you have to work so hard for him to take personal responsibility for his actions rather than him just owning it himself?
If you do most of the work in this relationship, how's that "making us stronger?"
I’ve got to get over my negative thoughts and realize that it’s done.
I could be wrong. But you seem to be trying real hard to fast forward into "It's all better now" land.
The single episode with Casino Chick is done.
But the ripple effects are still playing out.
I’ve just got to move on myself and learn from this.
So... what are you learning?
Will you start using condoms with husband from this point forward if you are not trying to conceive? Since you both could have casual sex with others when traveling? To help mitigate transfer risks to each other? Let go of being fluid bonded?
Will you let go of trying to do his stuff for him? Expect him to do more of his own stuff himself?
Separate banking so even if he goes bananas, you aren't stuck paying for his weird?
Change your expectations on emotional management? Where you manage your feelings, and he manages his, and you stop trying to fix his feelings for him? Stop trying to make the whole world cushy so he never feels yucky? Stop hiding your own feelings so they don't bother him too much?
Are you going to define your personal limit? Because maybe you are willing to move past cheating on agreements once. But not twice? Will you become more willing and able to say "Even though I love you more than I love me? I'm putting my foot down. I will not put up with _____ behaviors. If that happens? Dealbreaker. I'm out. I have to do my own self respect."
What would that be in the blank space? What ARE the dealbreakers for you?
Because right now I'm hearing
- My DH treated me with disrespect.
- He cheated on his agreements.
- He insisted on having sex bareback with me, knowing he'd been with Casino Chick bareback and did not inform me. He took away my ability to give fully informed consent.
- Didn't tell me about it til the next day, when he already exposed me to whatever.
- Fought me on going to take initial STD panels.
- Now we have to wait for more tests.
- He will need to retest at end of June for igG antibodies.
- Took Casino Chick to where we got married and had our wedding pix taken.
- When he came home, he was texting her and lied to me about it when I asked what is going on.
- He was planning to fly Casino Chick here when I would be gone traveling for a week.
- Planning to break the "not at home" agreement.
- And planning on using our shared money in joint to fly her out rather than his own money from his personal checking.
- When I caught him out? He ended it with her by apologizing to her for getting her involved in this situation and stated I was tripping over the lack of a condom being used. So he never flew her down, but he was gonna.
- Says he saw the red flags but chose to ignore it. But only after I dragged the admission out of him.
- He states he’s moved on from this and so should I . Actually told me I should have been over this in 2-3 weeks.
- He says I should not have victim mindset over this because he says it's unattractive.
Like... where does your limit of tolerance STOP?
If you decide to work on healing from cheating and forgive this one time? Ok. But what will CHANGE?
I do put his needs and feelings before mine because I do love him that much. I know that I need to put myself and my needs and feelings before his. It’s a long road ahead of us and I’m praying that he can see that we both need to work on ourselves before ever thinking about him finding a fuck buddy again.
Did he agree to pause on the casual sex while traveling til this gets sorted? What happens if he cheats on that agreement? What is the consequence you will do? Walk away?
Or will it be a repeat of this? Like he does whatever poor behaviors, you will make some complain-y noise, but ultimately you will stay no matter how bad it was. Because you love him so much, more than you care about you. So he doesn't really
have to change anything.
I'm not trying to be mean to you or add to your burden by saying this.
It isn't fun to sit with "Someone I love a lot did less than loving, poor behaviors towards me. Now what?"
I hope you choose to SLOW DOWN. Don't be in such a hurry to "get past this and think positive thoughts" just because it feels uncomfortable to sit with this.
I hope you really reflect on what needs to change for you to be willing to continue here in a healthy way.
Please don't gloss it over.
Please do think about a counselor. You have a lot of spaghetti tangle going on.
He may or may not do his fair share of the work. But you could start to do yours.