Rules? Boundaries?

Innerpeace4me

New member
Below is the post I posted in intros:

I said boundaries, but I think I should have said rules. There should be rules, right? To help ensure comfort for all of us involved.

Magdlyn replied: Great question. Please start a thread in the Relationships section with this question. The differences between boundaries, rules, guidelines, preferences, negotiations and agreements take some work to explain!

I would like to hear what the more experienced polys (is that the right term?) have to say about the different things Magdlyn posted, the importance of them in this lifestyle specifically. The best way to make sure that we all feel comfortable and fair to each other's needs, wants.


Hello All,

So happy to have found this group and have learned a lot so far, and looking forward to learning more.

I am a 45 y/o male. I am new to this lifestyle and trying to learn the right way to manage and deal with feelings. I am separated from my wife (she is not a part of this lifestyle), basically divorced without it being legal. We coparent and are now amazing friends.

I am currently involved in a poly relationship (over a year) with an amazing woman who is with another man. He and I are friends (we all were before the relationship started). He and I do not share a sexual connection. We are straight. If I have the terms right, I think that makes me a metamour? He is her primary partner.

The bond between her and me is very strong, physically and emotionally. I am very much enjoying life and this situation, but sometimes feel myself a bit confused on how to feel about the "big picture." My life goals are very different from theirs, as there is a significant age gap between her and me, slightly shorter for him and me. Sometimes, trying to process those feelings, I struggle. We have had the "boundaries" chat (although some parts weren't crystal clear to me).

I have been married. I have a teenage son and we are at a happy place in life. Anyway, I am not sure how much I'm supposed to write here before the thread gets moved to the personal summaries portion, but wanted to dump this for you all to read. I look forward to learning more, feeling more and becoming more.
 
There should be rules, right? To help ensure comfort for all of us involved.
Rules are best used for health and safety. If you lived together, then maybe one or two more for respecting the home or private space would be needed, but rules aren't usually used to make people comfortable. Usually rules are designed around sexual health, such as the use of condoms, regular testing, stuff like that. I find that the less rules you have the better. There's nothing worse than making a bunch of rules that are just going to get broken. When that happens people feel betrayed, and inevitably, it will happen.

Boundaries, however, are something that you decide for yourself. You decide for yourself what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship. And if those things happen, then you take action to remedy the situation, usually by ending the relationship. Everything else can be negotiated.

As the hinge, she has to manage two relationships, the time she spends with each relationship, the amount of contact she has with each relationship through text messaging and other digital media, and she has to do it in a way that makes you both feel loved. You might not get all the time you want with her, and neither may her other partner, but it's up to you to deal with those feelings and figure out if not getting the time that you need is a deal breaker.

The best way to make sure that we all feel comfortable and fair to one each others needs, wants.
I'm not sure what the makeup is, or what type of polyamory she's practicing with you guys, regarding whether or not you're parallel, or more kitchen table... Basically how much time you spend with your metamour and what the expectations are around that, but it's not your responsibility to make sure that your metamour is happy, and it's not his responsibility to make sure that you are happy.

Your time is your time, and his time is his time, and if these two conflict in some way, then you have to ask yourself how giving or kind you want to be in this situation. Usually, if it's some kind of an emergency, it's natural for you to say "Yeah, no problem. Go take care of that." But sometimes when somebody's just feeling insecure it can really have a negative impact on your relationship, if she's giving him time during your time to try and coddle his fears and emotions. That is not your responsibility. That is the meta's responsibility.

The best way is to think of it is as two completely separate relationships. Your girlfriend has one relationship with you, and one relationship with your meta. Those relationships shouldn't blend into each other. It's really important for your girlfriend, the hinge, to make sure that they don't blend into each other and affect each other in any way.

Your job is to be a great partner by lovinh your partner, being generous to your partner, showing affection, and all those wonderful things, while learning how to manage your own insecurities and jealousies. She can give you support, but she is not responsible for your feelings. You're going to have them regardless of what she does, and you need to learn how to manage them.

As the hinge, she manages each relationship. She decides how much time she spends with each person. She decides how to handle conflict. And it's up to her to do the work of making sure her partners are happy. You just have to make sure that you are actually consenting to being in a polyamorous relationship and understanding that sometimes she's not going to be able to give you what you want. You're going to hear no. And so is her other partner. Accepting that no and not making demands for things that she's not willing to give you is how you respect the relationships. It's not about you and him working together. It's about you and her working together to ensure that you are both getting what you need. And if she is unable to give you what you need, then it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to be in the relationship.
 
Rules are best used for health and safety. If you lived together, then maybe one or two more for respecting the home or private space as needed but rules aren't usually used to make people comfortable. Usually rules are designed around sexual health. The use of condoms, regular testing, stuff like that. I find that the less rules you have the better. There's nothing worse than making a bunch of rules that are just going to get broken. When that happens people feel betrayed and inevitably it will happen...

Boundaries, however, are something that you decide for yourself. You decide for yourself what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship. And if those things happen, then you take action to remedy the situation, usually by ending the relationship. Everything else can be negotiated.

As the hinge, she has to manage two relationships, the time she spends with each relationship, the amount of contact she has with each relationship through text messaging and other digital media, and she has to do it in a way that makes you both feel loved. You might not get all the time you want with her, and neither may her other partner, but it's up to you to deal with those feelings and to figure out if not getting the time that you need is a deal breaker.

I'm not sure what the makeup is, or what type of polyamory she's practicing with you guys, regarding whether or not you're parallel or more kitchen table. Basically, how much time you spend with your metamour and what the expectations are around that, but it's not your responsibility to make sure that your metamour is happy, and it's not his responsibility to make sure that you are happy.

Your time is your time, and his time is his time, and if these two conflict in some way then you have to ask yourself how giving or kind do you want to be in this situation. Usually if it's some kind of an emergency it's natural for you to say, "Yeah, no problem. Go take care of that." But sometimes when somebody's just feeling insecure, it can really have a negative impact on your relationship, if she's giving him time during your time to try and coddle his fears and emotions. That is not your responsibility. That is meta's responsibility.

The best way is to think of it is as two completely separate relationships. Your girlfriend has one relationship with you, and one relationship with your meta. Those relationships shouldn't blend into each other. It's really important for your girlfriend, the hinge, to make sure that they don't blend into each other and affect each other in any way.

Your job is to be a great partner and love your partner by being generous, affectionate, while learning how to manage your own insecurities and jealousies. She can give you support, but she is not responsible for your feelings. You're going to have them regardless of what she does, and you need to learn how to manage them.

As the hinge, she manages each relationship. She decides how much time she spends with each person. She decides how to handle conflict. And it's up to her to do the work of making sure her partners are happy. You just have to make sure that you are actually consenting to being in a polyamorous relationship and understanding that sometimes she's not going to be able to give you what you want. You're going to hear no. And so is her other partner. Accepting that no and not making demands for things that she's not willing to give you is how you respect the relationships. It's not about you and him working together... It's about you and her working together to ensure that you are both getting what you need. And if she is unable to give you what you need then it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to be in the relationship.
Bobbi, that is the most informative bit of info that I've read/learned thus far. Thank you! I do think it gets a bit complicated at times.

As I mentioned, we are all friends, as well, so it is not uncommon for us to go out together with other friends who don't know of my relationship with her, but know of her and his. I am ok with that.

When we go out as a group, he is her "primary" and I am ok with that, as well. But she feels that when we are out together, she can not show PDA with him. Although I have told her countless times I expect it and am ok with it, for her it's not comfortable. That then makes me feel awkward. We are very good at communicating, so we discuss it. As of now, this seems to be the one of the prominent "things" that need some work or attention.

Aside from being friends socially, we work together, as well. The decision was made to keep this aspect of my life (exploring poly) not on display to the public, or even our group of friends. Although it is known that she and he are poly, my involvement as metamour is kept a secret from all but the 3 of us and a SMALL group of very close friends, per my wishes. I am not ashamed of this lifestyle, but also don't care to share my personal business or preferences with anyone. It's not their business.

I was chatting with a potential partner for me, but once I explained poly, she bailed, as she was not into it, and is a firm believer in monogamy. That's ok, too. I am not delusional. I know that this isn't for everyone. She even dropped an insult at me on the way out, :( told me to have fun sharing my friend's girlfriend. (Clearly she doesn't get it. I never felt like I was sharing.)
 
But she feels that when we are out together that she can not show PDA with him, although i have told her countless times i expect it and am ok with it, for her its not comfortable.
Then let her do what is comfortable for her. She may feel more comfortable with this in time, or she may not. Either way, it's her decision.

And poly dating can be a bit hard because you don't know until you say it whether someone will react like that other woman who insulted you. Just brush it off, she's simply not for you. You'll find someone who is if you keep your chin up and your eyes open.
 
Then let her do what is comfortable for her. She may feel more comfortable with this in time, or she may not. Either way, it's her decision.

Poly dating can be a bit hard because you don't know until you say it whether someone will react like that other woman who insulted you. Just brush it off. She's simply not for you. You'll find someone who is if you keep your chin up and your eyes open.
Thank you, Evie! Overall, I'm happy with my current situation. My needs are satisfied, physically and emotionally, for the moment.

But at some point, when her head is lying next to his, I may want one lying next to mine (if that makes sense). Who knows? I do know that she is ok with that, if that's what I need. We have discussed this, and knowing that makes me feel more comfortable with this whole endeavor, so far. I will absolutely 1000% say that communication is key, as it is in a monogamous relationship.
 
But she feels that when we are out together that she can not show PDA with him. Although I have told her countless times that I expect it and am ok with it, for her it's not comfortable.
That just takes time and experience. It's still part of monogamous programming. You have talked about it and given the green light for PDA, so it's not about respecting your feelings. It's about moving through some ingrained monogamous programming on her part. She will just have to do it to get over it. She can start small with little touches, work her way up to holding hands, etc. It takes doing it to break it.
Once I explained poly she bailed, as she was not into it and is a firm believer in monogamy. Even dropped an insult...
This is very common. That's why most poly people put it out there up front. My partners not only have it on their profiles, but also mention it first thing..."You read my profile, right?"

Let the insults roll off. They are ignorant and judging you based on that ignorance.
 
Hello Innerpeace4me,

I agree with Magdlyn (in your intro thread) that you need to be crystal clear on everything (rules, boundaries, needs, wants, etc.) when talking to your girlfriend and/or the other man. If there's something you're not clear on, revisit the topic with them. Never rely on assumptions, always get/give confirmation. In early years especially, it's a good idea to meet weekly or monthly to discuss "the state of the relationship," and what if anything needs to be adjusted. Most polycules have at least some rules -- things like condom use for starters. Instead of rules you could say agreements, as one person saying, "These are the rules," doesn't work unless everyone agrees to it. I should add that beginners in poly usually need more rules (agreements). As the years go by and trust and understanding grow, some (sometimes all!) rules can be watered down, changed into guidelines, or even eliminated.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
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