Rural complications!

K

katcin

New member
Hi everyone! I have just started on the poly journey. I think it is always what i wanted but didn't realise it was an option so to speak. It feels like my path, the only thing is i don't want to hurt anyone.
I have a long term partner of six years, we have a child and live together in a remote rural place. I recently met someone and we had a fling i guess and he is a travelling, rambling type and isn't based anywhere. Although we talked about poly a lot my partner really struggled with my new relationship. I totally understand it would be difficult for him and i have tried to be supportive but it is exhausting. He feels very insecure. So my dilemma is: do i end it with new man and hold off for a while for the sake of long term partner, or follow what i want, to maintain a relationship with new man, although it will be sporadic, long distance and a bit mad and upset my live in partner? The thing is i will not give up on polyamory because it feels like the right way of life for me. I would feel restricted and trapped in a monogamous relationship. I guess i just need to give my partner support and perhaps it will become easier for him.
(I think it is relevant that my partner is in love with someone else and has been for years, and perhaps feels guilt about this, although never consumated and she is with someone. I love to see him glow when she is around but dont think she wants to be with him.)
I feel like i am growing so much from it all but just want to treat everyone right and not sure where the line is between empowerment and selfishness!
 
While it's definitely important to be yourself and not try to change for someone else's sake (unless you really want to), I would say in your particular situation it might be best to back off from other guy for a while and focus on strengthening your relationship with your partner. At the very least, it might be best to keep your connection with other guy solely as whatever form of communication you use (emails, texts, whatever) and not see him in person until your partner is more comfortable with it, even if other guy is in your area.

But don't just let it all go. While you're in the holding pattern, communicate frequently with your partner. Ask him if there's a way to help him feel more comfortable. Assure him that you don't intend to leave him, but that you are polyamorous and can't be comfortable being with only him. Assure him that you care about his feelings and are willing to compromise in some ways to make this easier for him, but that you aren't willing to become someone else.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I am not clear on the order of events and some vocab. Could you please be willing to clarify?

  • When did you talk about poly a lot? Before or after the fling?
  • What is "fling" to you? Because to me a fling is a throw away -- like a one night stand. Yet you sound like you want to continue with the Traveling Guy.

Possible Situation 1: You had a fling, then talked lots about poly.

That sounds like a cheating start. Was it? I could see existing partner being upset/insecure after being cheated on. If there's cheating, and you still want to poly with existing partner, the price of admission might be to let go of the cheating partner, heal and repair trust with existing partner, and then Open again and date a new person and show that you can now "do poly" in ethical ways without cheating and hurt. http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Possible Situation 2: You talked lots about polyamory, then had a fling with this new person.

Now your partner is now wigging out because "it's a bit mad" ... you could slow down enough to talk and sort. Why is it a bit mad for him? (Are those his words or yours?)

  • Is it that you meant one kind of Open and he meant another? You guys were't clear on the open model you wanted to practice? And it did not come to light until the fling?
  • Is it he was willing to try, but not sure if able? Now having tried it on, he finds post fling that he's not able and no longer willing. He wants to end poly. He grew in self knowledge that way. But you grew the other way -- you find you are willing and are able and learned you want more poly rather than end poly?
  • Is it that partner would prefer you date someone who isn't "a travelling, rambling type and isn't based anywhere" because that type wigs him out? Too messy for him? Any other "messy people" he prefer you not see like his brother, his boss, roomies? What about you? Have you articulated your "messy people" list?
  • Is it that the guy is not local? The cost of dating LDR with trips to see him or hotel when he's in town with him... just too much for the family budget?
  • Is it that you get carried away with NRE and are neglecting things at home like kids, chores, or your relationship with existing partner? Poly hell stuff?
  • Something else?

I cannot tell from your post which kind of problem it is. More like a 1 thing or more like a 2 thing?

I feel like i am growing so much from it all but just want to treat everyone right and not sure where the line is between empowerment and selfishness!
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What behavior are you doing that you think is empowering and leads to personal growth for you?

What behavior are you doing that you think is selfish of you and lacks consideration?

What behavior are you doing that isn't treating who right?

What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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ok sorry gala girl, to clarify, we talked about poly BEFORE i met guy2 but it was obviously only theoretical at that time. Only a matter of weeks before i met guy2 though, so not much time for it to sink in for guy1 (who i live with and have been with for 6 years)
Sorry but i am afraid all your possible scenarios are not it!
He is struggling with jealousy (guy1) because we have been monogamous for 6 years and we have a daughter and he can be a bit anxious and worry about things. I reassure him i love him and am not going to replace him and want to be with him but perhaps he is mono and will not be ok with poly or perhaps he will feel better in time. I have been spending lots of time with him (as much as work allows) and with our daughter. Guy2 isnt based anywhere so its now or never.

Perhaps you are right KC43. It does seem the sensible thing. Thing is guy1 says he feels more upset seeing me text guy2 everyday than when i was spending time with guy2. So i try and message discretely and he says 'you dont have to hide that you are texting him...'

He is a very sensitive man my guy1
I love him and want to be with him but i need to feel free. But at the same time i don't want to hurt him.

To answer your questions:

What behavior are you doing that you think is empowering and leads to personal growth for you?

Dealing with my 'stuff' in many ways every day. Seeing life from a different perspective. Asking for what i need. Empathising. Gaining independence
.
What behavior are you doing that you think is selfish of you and lacks consideration? Starting a new relationship and rushing into things i suppose. Wanting to be with other people when it makes my partner sad.

What behavior are you doing that isn't treating who right?Guy1 finds it hard i want to see guy2 supports me in it. Guy2 doesnt see me much because i dont want to upset guy1 and when i do see him i am telling him about how worried i am about poor guy1.

What's your desired outcome? Open, free communication, love and acceptance. Getting to know guy2, guy1 being happy to be with poly me.

Oh and for me a fling means a short term romance. Not casual sex without a deeper connection.
 
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I always love to see more rural poly people! I love living in the country, but those drives...

Anyway, I hope you and your partner can get to a point where you're communicating clearly. It sounds to me like when he says texting bothers him, he might be saying "so I need reassurance" and you're hearing "so stop doing it" or something like that. It's hard to tell without specifics.

But I'd take it slow out of consideration for his feelings. For you, it's been "six years without" and you've had plenty of time to think and process. For him, he's had a much shorter time. I'm not saying don't, but I am saying that if you want to stay with him you might have to go more slowly than you'd like, and provide lots of reassurances.

Also, it may not really be "now or never" with your interest. Since he isn't based anywhere, I'd bet that if he'll be back. I'm sensing a lot of NRE from your post, but it's okay to take things slow even when NRE makes you want to do everything now. But if you rush things, you may end up doing damage to your relationship with your partner. Damage that will ultimately take longer to fix than if you go slow and provide the support he needs now while he's still processing.

I'm not saying quit poly, give in to his every wibble, or go back to monogamy, or anything like that I'm just saying it's something to think about. Good luck!
 
Thanks for the update/clarifying. I appreciate it. In case it helps, here's what pops out at me...

Is it the intrusion thing of poly hell? With the texting? Anything else from poly hell resonate with Guy 1? Maybe you can read it together. Along with pitfalls?

What behavior are you doing that you think is empowering and leads to personal growth for you?

Dealing with my 'stuff' in many ways every day. Seeing life from a different perspective. Asking for what i need. Empathising. Gaining independence
Click to expand...

Fair enough. Nothing there sounds terrible.

What behavior are you doing that you think is selfish of you and lacks consideration? Starting a new relationship and rushing into things i suppose. Wanting to be with other people when it makes my partner sad.
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Maybe rush less? As far as supporting Guy 1 you sound like you are trying.

Right now I assume he's being honest when he agrees to poly and he's just in transition. It can feel weird when the "old normal" is not here and the "new normal" hasn't settled in yet.

If you find out later that he's really mono and just saying ok to avoid a break up you might set him free because it's the kinder thing to do than allow him to continue in a model that causes him suffering.

Guy1 finds it hard i want to see guy2 but supports me in it.
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Could give him time/space to work out his feelings. Ask what you can do to help. If he's jealous could these help?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Guy2 doesnt see me much because i dont want to upset guy1 and when i do see him i am telling him about how worried i am about poor guy1.
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Does he like hearing so much about Guy 1? Could you tell someone outside the system? Comfort in, dump out? Then when you do get to see Guy2 it can be about you and Guy2 and not processing deep details of what's going on in your other dyad of (you + Guy1)?

Open, free communication, love and acceptance. Getting to know guy2, guy1 being happy to be with poly me.
Click to expand...

Is this a shared vision across the 3 of you? If so, you can do your 1/3 share toward that vision. And hopefully the guys do theirs.

Oh and for me a fling means a short term romance. Not casual sex without a deeper connection.
Click to expand...

What are the deal breakers? Have you two talked about those?

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for your advice guys. Yes Gala girl, it is the intrusion thing from poly hell. I emailed it to him earlier! Think you are right, take it slow, lots of talking and listening. I hope he can transition and be happy. If not who knows but I certainly wouldn't stay with him and continue being with others if it hurts him so much. Got to think about what is more important! But the thought of only being with one person for the rest of my life seems pretty depressing to me, though i realise to many people it is bliss. At the same time I love my partner and our relationship is solid.
And yes Autumnleaves, rural poly is hard work. I cycle and hitchhike as i can't and wouldn't drive. Keeps life interesting and keeps me fit!
 
Hi katcin,

I am thinking maybe if you take things slow with Guy2, that things will be easier for Guy1. Also, give Guy1 plenty of attention/reassurance, especially after texting Guy2.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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