Safe Sex question

B

BaconWrappedCupcakes

New member
I recently found out that my BF Jesse has not been using condoms with his other GF Blossom, and they hadn't for some time, long before he met me. I had asked him on a few occasions if he used them all the time, and he said yes. Obviously, he lied to me.

We are now at an impasse. I am struggling with the idea of ever being intimate with him again. I asked him to use condoms with her, and he refused, saying he wouldn't bring it up because she would be hurt.

He has taken the stance of, "I am the Dom and you are the sub and you will fall in line. She is just a vanilla girl and I can't control her."

I'm so hurt and depressed. I feel humiliated and used.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
 
This is your health that we're talking about! Although you can't control what Jesse does with anyone else, you have the right to say that unless he wears a condom with Blossom, he won't be having sex with you. This is one of those things that you really shouldn't give up control on. I would also go and get tested ASAP to make sure he hasn't passed anything on to you.
 
I would think a Dom would be more concerned for taking care of you, not less. But whether he is your Dom or not is irrelevant. He has completely and utterly disrespected you, lied to you, and risked your health in an unforgivably cavalier fashion. If I were you, my relationship with him would be over. Get tested immediately. End of story.
 
Jesse sounds kind of childish. Fluid bonding is serious stuff, and your health and safety even more so. If Blossom would be to hurt to consider safe sex, well then, she doesn't sound too mature. Having adult conversations about safer sex has nothing to do with being her Dom or not. He can't make her use protection, but he should be smart enough to refuse to have sex without, making sure it's safe for him and you first. Not only did he risk your health, he also lied about it. I'd have a hard time trusting him, too. I'm not sure I'd be able to trust some one after something like that. I would definitely reconsider his position in your life.
 
Break. Up. With. Him. Someone who's so shockingly ignorant of what a loving dom/sub relationship should look like that he would say "your health and comfort in this situation don't matter because you're the sub" is someone who should NEVER EVER EVER be in a position of power over someone else. Untrustworthy, gross, lying, manipulative, immature bastard. Not that this would be remotely okay if you two were vanilla. I'd still call him names and advise breaking up with him asap, but it makes me all the more upset because I wish people like him would stop giving D/s a bad name.
 
D/s arguments only count when both partners are consenting. You did not consent to this. If Jesse lied about it, you can bet he's lying about other things, too.

For the record, if he were to suddenly "agree" to use condoms with Blossom, I wouldn't believe him. He's clearly willing to lie and say whatever you want to hear.

Taking risks with your health is flat-out abusive.
 
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So... yeah. Everyone has said it for me. Thanks, all. :)

Its quite simple for me, really. "No condom. No sex. I will hang out with you and play footsies, but I will go and get laid elsewhere, thank you very much. If you want sex with me again, well, it likely won't happen. Damage done. That just isn't something I give second chances to."

I'm sorry he hurt you. I an imagine that is very hard to deal with. Still, it's not the end of the world. Go and find someone that treats you better and show this guy that you deserve better than what he is dishing out.
 
Thank you for all the replies. I did tell Jesse that we would no longer be having sex, and definitely no oral sex, unless he started using condoms with Blossom. He then responded by saying I was putting him in a bind by making him choose her or me, even though he would continue to use condoms with me (so I'm not sure how I'm making him choose).

He then asked if I would consider seeing him in just a D/s capacity without the sex. Of course, this broke my heart. It makes me feel like our sex life is nothing to him.

I've been with him for over a year now. It is hard to walk away from this. He said he knew she was clean and I was not at risk for anything.
 
BaconWrappedCupcakes said:
He said he knew she was clean and I was not at risk for anything.
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*You* get to decide how much risk you're willing to take on, not him. If he can't respect your right to make your own decisions how can you guys have any sort of trust-based relationship?

To me, it's all about the lying, and it's sad because it didn't have to be this way. He could have said to you "I'm thinking of opening up to fluid exchange with Blossom. Can we talk about it?" Maybe you two could have come to some compromise. But instead he makes the decision on his own, lies to you about it, and opens you up to risk you didn't sign on for. To top it off, when you call him on it, he accuses *you* of being manipulative!!! That's the real kicker, because if he can't accept the blame, he can't change.

I know it must be incredibly hard after a year together, but he's showing his true colors. I wouldn't allow him to be my partner OR my Dom. This is not a safe or respectful person.
 
After a year...

The worst part is walking away. But once you do, you will have so much more respect for yourself and feel more confident in what you believe is right for you.

His manipulative talk sounds incredibly familiar. I know it's confusing and hurtful, but you have to see through it. You are not making him choose anything. He is making YOU choose. And your options with him are terrible.

It's going to be up to you what to do. But just remember, sometimes a sub has to pick up the paddle and show them what she's made of.
 
I know. I've started the process of backing away from him. He is still pushing to see me. I know this is going to take some time to do. I love him very much, but trying to focus on the good we have isn't working anymore.

I'm tired and hurt. He continues to think and act like just ignoring it will make it go away. :(

The slight relationship I had with Blossom is now non-existent, so contacting her is out of the question. I don't think, though, that she would be as upset with this as he says she would be. She posted on another board that she offered it to him (partially because she wanted to fluid bond with her other BF) and he turned her down, saying, "He knows what he has with me."

Later, after I confronted him (that post was how I found out that they weren't using protection), he said that he meant he was happy with our sex life. I don't think that's what he meant, but it doesn't matter.
 
He's your dom and hers? Or he was? It seems like she is his dom here. She's calling the shots, if he agreed to this. A crap one at that. A good dom would not put their sub at risk, and certainly wouldn't allow their sub to call those kind of shots. He's a child, not a dominant, if you ask me.
 
She is a "bottom," but about 9 months into our relationship, they together chose to end the D/s type stuff in their relationship. I am his sub.

Redpepper, I feel like they both think I am their sub. Through the course of this, I have been forced, or at least asked very sternly, to do things to make her happy.

I don't think that she would be as upset with this compromise as he lets on, but then again, she hates me. (That is a whole other post. I did write one a while back about it on here, but nothing came of the topic.)

I am trying to keep my feelings regarding things she has said or done out of the equation, and focus on the condom issue with him. He continues to say I am forcing him to chose between us. I don't feel I am.

I am supposed to see him tomorrow, a platonic lunch. We haven't been intimate in weeks now, but he has seen her (on a day that was supposed to be mine, but I won't dwell on that) and been intimate.

If I choose to look past this and just sweep it under the rug, I know I will regret it, yet my heart is crying for him to hold me. Ugh, I'm such a wreck.
 
BaconWrappedCupcakes said:
She is a "bottom," but about 9 months into our relationship they together chose to end the D/s type stuff in their relationship. I am his sub. Redpepper, I feel like they both think I am their sub. Through the course of this, I have been forced, or asked very sternly, to do things to make her happy.

I don't think that she would be as upset with this compromise as he lets on, but then again, she hates me. (Thatis a whole other post. I did write one a while back about it on here, but nothing came of the topic.)

I am trying to keep my feelings regarding things she has said or done out of the equation, and focus on the condom issue with him. He continues to say I am forcing him to chose between us. I don't feel I am.

I am supposed to see him tomorrow, a platonic lunch. We haven't been intimate in weeks now, but he has seen her and been intimate.

If I choose to look past this, and just sweep it under the rug, I know I will regret it, yet my heart is crying for him to hold me. Ugh, I'm such a wreck.
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Some day there is going to be a guy who understands that control isn't about taking away a person's choice, but about loving someone enough to put them on a path that brings them immense pleasure and joy. He's going to respect the gift of your submission and treat you with such reverence. Kick this fucker to the curb so you can find Him.
 
Lol, thank you for making me smile and laugh. That is what I wanted and needed. He definitely got a few choice "unsubby words" thrown at him, as he says, when I found all this out tonight, FireChild. :)
 
FireChild said:
Some day there is going to be a guy who understands that control isn't about taking away a person's choice, but about loving someone enough to put them on a path that brings them immense pleasure and joy. He's going to respect the gift of your submission and treat you with reverence. Kick this fucker to the curb so you can find Him.
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Yes!! Well said. Free yourself and heal, and find someone who will bring you joy without laying this blatantly manipulative bullshit on you.
 
BaconWrappedCupcakes said:
I am supposed to see him tomorrow, a platonic lunch. We haven't been intimate in weeks now, but he has seen her and been intimate.
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If you read this before the lunch, I would suggest just telling him you're not forcing him to choose anything. You're making your own choice about your safety.

He's saying that to be manipulative and make you feel that you're to blame. You are not to blame. He is, 100%.
 
BaconWrappedCupcakes said:
He said he knew she was clean and I was not at risk for anything.
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Just to re-iterate what others have said, he's trying to cover his lies with rationalizations. This is, to me, an unforgivable lack of integrity. I'm sorry to hear about your pain. But if you live with integrity in your relationships, I can't imagine that it could be productive in any way to stick around someone who does not live with the same level of integrity. I would move on.
 
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